Slaying the Perfection Dragon

Posted on October 21, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

There’s no doubt in my mind that the greatest enemy of good self esteem is perfectionism. And it’s also the greatest enemy of your peace of mind.

It doesn’t take much rational thought to see why this is true. What on earth can you see in your daily life that is perfect? Certainly human beings, as much as we may love them, are never perfect. And so neither are our relationships. And any undertaking we make may be excellent, but never perfect.

Elaine told me that her mother admired tall, thin, blonde girls. She was frequently pointing out one or another girl in Elaine’s class or on the streets of their town, telling Elaine how pretty that girl looked. It wasn’t lost on Elaine that she was athletic, short and stocky with dark brown hair and brown eyes. Quite different than the “perfect picture” that her mother lifted up as the ideal. Clearly, Elaine was never going to make that team!

We get these ideal images from our parents, and also are inundated with them every time we open a magazine, turn on the television or watch a movie. Our bodies, our clothing, our relationships, our jobs, cars and homes are all held up in comparison with perfection. Even our children “should” be in the right sports, schools and activities in order to reach some mythical perfect standards.

For quite a few years I was an ardent fan of a famous Domestic Diva, and bought her magazines, cook books, and watched her television program when I could catch it. I was smitten with the perfect pictures of food, crafts and rooms with their soothing, trademark colors. As her queendom grew, so did the number of her homes (how many homes can one person live in?), the elegant meals and complicated deserts. It occurred to me that these pictures of perfection were only made possible by the work of a gigantic cadre of minions who designed and executed the perfect gardens, recipes and craft projects.

A capable cook (if I do say so myself) I could slave over holiday meals or special deserts captured in the perfect pictures. But what about setting the perfect table with handmade decorations? Well, maybe if I started the month before (which I almost never did). And then what about the perfect room that my guests would eat that meal in? When it came down to it, I was pressed to have everything picked up and cleaned in time. Alas, I am a woman without even one minion to do my bidding.

As I was falling out of love with the Diva, I started to cringe when I heard her use the word, “Perfect!” on the episode I was watching. This was occurring at the same time I was becoming aware that I lived with the dragon Perfectionism myself. And what a misery it is!

You may notice that whatever picture you have in your mind about the perfect body, clothes, job, spouse, meal, etc., that it makes a moving target. There is nothing that escapes the beady eyes of your inner critic! Listen to your inner voice if you don’t believe me. Or listen to how you accept a compliment. You may sweat over finding the perfect dress for that dinner party; spend hours getting yourself put together. And when the first person compliments you, you say something like,

“Thanks but… (insert) I need to lose a few pounds, I was worried that it was too short or too long, I’m not sure it’s my color, or I’m afraid it makes my butt look too big.”

Picking out what doesn’t measure up to that picture of perfection is a great way to undermine self esteem. Struggling to reach some impossible standard is guaranteed to lower your self confidence!

Instead of being the Perfect Mom, could you be a Good Enough Mom? Meaning you can rear a child that is healthy, happy and grows up to be a contributing member of society. Yes, s/he will be another imperfect human. Instead of struggling to be the Perfect Cook/ Home Maker/ Professional What-ever/ Spouse, could you be Good Enough?

Knowing that you are a growing, developing, learning human who enjoys success and learns from failure (and yes, endures it because no one thinks it is fun!) you might loosen up enough to have fun, live in the moment, experiment (more fun), be curious and actually enjoy your life. The pictures may inspire us, but leave it at that. Use them for ideas, admire their beauty, and remember that that is all they do.

Most of all look for the beauty in your own rooms, or your own table in the meal that you serve. Enjoy the charm, warmth and uniqueness of the relationships that are a part of your life. And most of all, feel gratitude and appreciation for you…the lovable human being that you are.

Are You Playing A Role in Your Relationships?

Posted on August 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” e.e.cummings

It seems to me that one of the greatest challenges that we face in the process of adult growth and development is figuring out how to manage the roles that we play. And maybe more importantly, to recognize that we are MORE than the roles that we play and to grow beyond them.

Most of us play more than one role. We identify ourselves as son or daughter, mother or father, wife, husband, friend. And then we identify with the role of what we do: nurse, teacher, business owner, artist, carpenter, engineer or musician.

These roles provide a sort of behavioral structure in which we function, and also a kind of shorthand for our identity and a way of expressing a way in which others recognize us. What is the first question that people usually ask after meeting you? “What do you do?” A safe and easy way to open a conversation because most of us have our identity wrapped up in our occupations.

It wouldn’t occur to anyone to answer that question with, “Well, I meditated this morning, went fishing, played ball with my dog, shoveled the sidewalk, or weeded my garden, patched up a quarrel with my wife, comforted my sick neighbor, made the best soup of my life.” These are all “doing” activities after all. And they really may shed more light on our true identity than our occupation does.

In most family relationships we play roles that are more specialized than the general ones of father, mother, brother, sister. And we unconsciously continue to play out those roles in our adult relationships; even in the workplace. (Have you ever noticed how like a family a network of co-workers becomes?)

The most common role formations form a Victim Triangle of Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. It isn’t possible to have a Victim without the other two roles being a part of the equation. This pattern is all about struggling for power and control. Members of the relationship move around that triangle, creating drama and unhappiness.

The struggle of the Victim Triangle ranges from the subtle to the grossly obvious. Everyone will recognize the Triangle at work in cases of domestic violence or child abuse. It is obvious that someone is a Perpetrator (misusing power), that there is a Victim (one without power) and a Rescuer (one who saves the day, at least momentarily). What we often don’t recognize are the more subtle dramas that play out over and over again.
Here are some variations you may recognize and maybe even identify with. A boss or supervisor who micro-manages, criticizes and withholds praise or recognition, fails to offer incentives for success, has an attitude of “It’s my way or the highway!” and generally creates an atmosphere of fear and insecurity. An employee who hates his job but stays there year after year because he is convinced that there is nothing better out there and after all his pay and benefits are good. A parent of an adult child who keeps co-signing loans, offering bail-outs for a son who loses jobs or refuses to look for one because the “right one” hasn’t come along. And a husband who controls the money and a wife who silences herself and puts up with it even though she feels resentful and hurt. Notice that we don’t have to have broken bones, bruises or police intervention to live on the Victim Triangle!

Carl Jung taught that we develop personaes around the roles that we play, and that they come from an unmet need or trauma.
Webster defines personaes as the mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment and not representing the inner personality of the individual; the public personality. It is also a person’s perceived or evident personality, as that of a well-known official, actor, or celebrity; personal image; public role.

Often our awakening to the presence of this role playing or personaes comes in the wake of a personal or relationship crisis. Emotional pain, physical illness or a spiritual breakdown results after years of role playing, making it impossible to continue in the same old way. And when that happens, we have a choice to make: either stop, take a time out to explore our lives and ask what is going on; or plow ahead out of fear and continue to repeat the patterns over again.

It seems to me that we can get a repeated smack on the side of the head, play Victim and blame life circumstances in general, or other people specifically. To quote Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you?” Or we can choose to take courage in hand (because it DOES take courage to look in the mirror and not avert your gaze) and find help in asking and answering those vital questions that will unmask us and open up the possibilities of becoming more fully and richly human.

The choice is yours.

Good Relationships Have Good Boundaries

Posted on August 16, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Baby Boomers are known as the “sandwich generation” because they are increasingly dealing with responsibilities for caring for their aging parents as well as young adult children. Even as they plan for their own retirements, those plans may be taking on an unexpected shape, or being delayed because of being in the sandwich.

The job shortage has brought about a pattern of multiple generations living in the same household, a pattern that was common decades ago. Many college graduates are moving back into the family home while they hunt for jobs, rather than into their own apartments as they begin their careers.

The return to the childhood home may be an economic necessity, and many parents are willing to allow it out of a sense of obligation and concern for their children’s welfare. But the relationship between them is due for a change. Those “kids” are now adults, even though their financial independence may be delayed. It is important to think about the arrangements ahead of time and to negotiate some clear understandings before the contents of the dorm room are carried through the door.

The parents are homeowners, and as such have the final say in what happens there. They really have no legal or moral obligation to shelter their children. If the grown children are returning, it should be understood that it is out of generosity, and that they are to function as adults. Their being there can’t be a prolonged childhood if the situation is going to be a happy one.

There are boundary issues to be considered. Emotional boundaries are important in that they clarify where everyone’s interests and responsibilities begin and end. Here are some factors to consider and negotiate:

Establish a time frame for the arrangement. Agree to meet and discuss how things are going, and to make adjustments as needed. The time frame can be extended if all is going well, and everyone agrees.
The primary focus of the adult children should be on getting a job, hopefully one that will lead to a career path. If that isn’t possible, then a job that will help support them and pay some household expenses such as phone bills, utilities and car insurance and gas. This is a great time for them to make a budget and practice using it. There are good resources available to help them if they don’t want that advice from the parents. Remember that the ultimate purpose of this time is to establish independence and eventually leave the nest!
Discuss how the household will run, with young adults taking on their fair share of cleaning, yard maintenance, cooking, etc. It is important for everyone’s well being that they not return to a child-like state where mom and dad are taking care of them. This will only lead to resentment, irritation and eventual hostility.
Come to an understanding about hours of quiet, entertaining guests, music volume, television watching and general use of the living space. Discuss your expectations regarding overnight visitors and alcohol use. College students often have a very different time schedule than their parents do. Adjusting to a work schedule and routine hours might be a stretch! And if those first jobs are shift work, with work scheduled for the 2^nd or 3^rd shift, then obviously accommodations need to be made.
Being a parent to an adult child requires some letting go. The adult child needs to be making an emotional separation that was begun while they were away at college. Returning home likely feels like they are losing some of the independence they felt while away at school. Living under the same roof offers some additional challenges because while you will have opinions about how your son or daughter is spending money, job hunting and choosing friends or dating partners, you need to keep them to yourself! Unless what they are doing directly impinges on your household, then you must mind your own business.

This time of living together can be harmonious if your communications are clear. Having an understanding that the young adult is to use this period of help and support as a time to prepare for their independence can ensure that it will be productive and healthy for everyone.

Relationship Re-Do

Posted on June 22, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Maxim for life: You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you.” ~Wayne Dyer~

It’s finally summer and with the closing of schools, families are going on vacation. Visits to extended family seem to be made more frequent with graduations and weddings and reunions. All blessings of the season; or like all things containing the opposite, a curse.

Madeline was telling me about her recent return from visiting her in-laws in upstate New York. The weather was perfect, as was the scenery. It had been quite awhile since the last visit, and the whole family had been looking forward to getting away. It sounded great, but why was she looking so exhausted? Her part of the vacation had not gone according to plan.

She said that the kids had fun playing with cousins, and her husband is always happy when he goes back home. But she was stressed and irritated the whole time because she was having to take care of all the details, listen to complaints and it seemed that her relatives were telling her their troubles and drama the whole time.

I observed that this sounds a whole lot like her everyday life at work and at home. And she admitted that it does. How does it happen that she ends her days feeling overwhelmed and worried about situations that she has no control over? How does she end up carrying everyone’s burdens when she really wants to relax and enjoy herself?

Do you get irritated about how other people treat you? Do you feel resentful of having to take care of things that really aren’t in your control? Are you playing a role over and over again that you really are tired of? Doesn’t it seem like a pain that this keeps occurring?

We all have recurring patterns of belief and behavior that form a paradigm for our life. Until we become aware of them and find ways to change them, we are really limited by them. In other words we have to change the paradigm in order to change our lives.

It is a temptation to stay locked in blaming and resenting everyone who takes advantage of us, or mistreats us, or insists on treating us in a way we don’t like. But have you asked yourself how you brought this about? After all, this is your paradigm that you live in. In other words, you have a set of beliefs and behaviors that have created the life you are living. Do you believe that you deserve the life you desire?

My guess is that you don’t or you would be living that life, wouldn’t you? Your relationships would be supporting you and vice versa, wouldn’t they? My suggestion is to uncover and dismantle that underlying belief, and then to observe HOW you have taught people to treat you. Ask someone you trust for feedback, if you are having trouble seeing it.

I know it’s a bit of a mind-bender to see that you play an active part in it. But it’s really liberating to discover it and to change it. And in case you are feeling selfish about the re-do of old relationship patterns, remember that changing it will recharge the whole thing and put it on healthier footing. Yes, there may be some confusion and conflict as you do this, but in the end everyone involved will be better off.

You can trust that the other person involved is capable of handling the change. You don’t really need to keep putting yourself in charge of other people’s stuff…either physically or emotionally. If you can be calm and consistent in seeing new boundaries and expectations for how you will be treated, trust me, in time they will adjust.

To My Mother On Mothers Day

Posted on May 8, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Dear Mom, Since I have been thinking about you all day, I thought I would give you a call to tell you so. It was a short but pleasant conversation, but at 91 and with dementia, I know you won’t remember the call or anything else that set this day apart from any other. So I’m writing this for you to read later, and also to express some thoughts that other readers may relate with.

Visiting Amy, Anna Grace and Charlie has afforded a number of opportunities for reminiscing. We have shared childhood memories, laughing about most of them. Having been a mother myself, and now a grandmother, provides a perspective that only comes with time and experience. Seeing Amy and Charlie as parents stirs up the memories as well. Being grandmother to a two-year-old is way easier than being a mother to two was! And you were mother to seven of us who passed through toddler-hood as well as adolescence. Bless your heart. Just thinking about it makes me want to go take a nap!

All the cards and flowers express sweet sentiments about motherhood. And no doubt about it, there are sweet aspects of the job. But more than that is a lot of sheer grit and determination and hard work. This morning I remembered vowing to myself and no doubt to any siblings who happened to be within earshot, that “I will NEVER do (such and such…) when I am a parent!” I had to smile at my certainty and immature self-righteousness.

Last week I was reading Geneen Roth in her wonderfully written book, Women, Food and God in which she describes the child’s formation of identity or ego. It is the refracted views of many messages from parents and grandparents that really come from their own internalized wounds and beliefs about themselves, not you the child. In other words, images and internalized limiting beliefs are passed on from generation to generation and then acted out, unless we become conscious of them and work on changing them.

Over the years I have come to recognize those internalized messages that have come down through the generations. Some of them are limiting and some are beneficial. And although I confess to squirming at the thought of unconsciously passing the limiting beliefs on, I also know that this is the human condition. I would have liked to do the motherhood thing perfectly myself, but that is not possible. We’ll have to settle for doing it “well enough.”

So here’s what I appreciate most about you, Mom. Your unfailing faith has been a beacon to me throughout my life. I could not have named or explained it in my youngest days, but I have always been aware that you had a strong and vital moral compass and a living faith that sustained you. There was never any doubt where you stood on ethical problems, and with your children you were crystal clear about what you expected.

I learned a lot of life skills from you that have held me in good stead, and which I in turn passed down to my kids. We know our way around the kitchen, and you would laugh at the notion that the “Slow Food Movement” is a new idea. Gardening, sewing, preserving and creating were all a part of your daily life. Amy and I were laughing at the irony that children who grow up eating well prepared, nutritious food probably have no appreciation of it until their adult years.

Although at times I wished that you would have had more play, light-heartedness and leisure in your life, I acknowledge and respect how hard you worked throughout your life. I understand from listening to your childhood stories and times in your married life that hard work was essential to the family’s survival. And although there were times when I sure couldn’t understand or appreciate it, (and no doubt complained bitterly about it), all of us were expected to do chores and to perform well in school and to have jobs as soon as we were old enough.

You know, I wanted to be one of those girls who got to go to Silver Slipper (dancing classes) and hang out for hours at the swimming pool (being cool) and after an all-night “slumber” party to come home and catch up on my sleep instead of having to get my chores done. I dreamed of trying out for cheer leading (certain that I would be chosen) but was bluntly told by you that no daughter of yours was going to be jumping around showing her fanny off to the crowd. (I was bitterly certain that you were ruining my life!) Instead I could take piano and cello lessons (no fanny showing in that!) and be a part of orchestra and chorus. You knew the limitations of the budget and you knew your values. And eventually I came to appreciate them too.

When I see you now it is often to assist you in some activity of daily living that you can no longer safely perform alone. I am sometimes amazed and humbled by your grace in accepting the loss of people you loved and also of your own physical and mental abilities. Our conversations are usually about the distant past and the early days of your childhood and sometimes of your college days. When we talk about the present you need a lot of reminders, but you are still interested in conversations about current topics. And your sense of humor, not at all tarnished with age, shines through, always making us all laugh.

As I finish my work with you, I am always touched by your appreciation and gratitude for my help. If you couldn’t or wouldn’t say these things, I know that (having internalized your values) I would support and help you anyway. This is really the least that I can do. Over my life time I have been buoyed by your support and encouragement. Some very difficult and painful passages have been warmed and lit by the expressions of your love and acceptance, even when I was sure that you didn’t necessarily understand or approve of how I had come to such a pass.

I guess this is the best example that I know of unconditional love. When I gave up wishing for the Perfect Mother and accepted my very human one, I recognized this. Isn’t it ironic that the Divine quality of Love (“with a capital L,” as my meditation teacher calls it) comes through human form of you as my mother? Words cannot really express my gratitude for you, the gift of my life and the Love that kindled it and shines through it. Thank you.

When Catastrophe Strikes

Posted on May 6, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Recent weather events across the globe and the United States have raised my awareness of how suddenly and completely life can turn on a dime. Most of us who have watched and listened to the news have to be sobered by the forces of nature that have ended many lives and upended the lives of bewildered survivors.

Our hearts go out to those who are in shock at the devastation and in such great need of help in just getting through another day. For many it will be a long time before life will seem ordinary again, and for some it will be forever changed.

On a smaller and more personal scale, life events bring about catastrophic changes that are just as shocking and life changing. It may be a death in the family, or of a spouse; announcement of a divorce that is unwanted and unexpected; job loss; the death of a beloved pet; or a frightening diagnosis.

You may have been the one who is experiencing the catastrophe, or one who knows someone else who is. Even though you empathize, you may find yourself feeling that you don’t know what to say or do.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter exactly WHAT you say; just say SOMETHING. There is no perfect thing to say that will change the shock and pain for someone else. However, you can provide something that is essential for solace and healing, and there’s no need to sound like a greeting card to do it.

Dr. Louis Cozolino is a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, and an adjunct clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. An expert in brain functioning and trauma, he states that when we are traumatized, the brain is both in a high state of arousal and at the same time our abilities to speak or verbalize are lowered.

“[When traumatized] We have a brain that’s similar to taking a very cheap and small economy car, and putting a race car engine in it,” he says.

The ancient survival instinct to stay frozen in silence, does not serve us well in the aftermath of trauma. As we see now, what happens with trauma is that one of the things that we need to do is stay conscious and aware, is to talk through what’s going on with us. And we need connection with other people in order to do that.

Dr. Cozolino emphasizes, “In the absence of language, people that are traumatized and dissociated really suffer, and that suffering can go on throughout their entire lives.” On the other hand, human beings can overcome almost anything if they have the opportunity to talk through and process what is happening to them.

So when catastrophe strikes, instead of feeling helpless and that there is nothing to do, remember that the most simple thing is also the most important thing. Speak to the person who is suffering the trauma, and stay in touch. Make a visit in person if possible, call on the phone and send cards, and do these things repeatedly. Give that friend, relative or acquaintance lots of opportunities to talk about what they are experiencing. The best gift you can give them is to listen attentively and to let them know that they are not alone or forgotten.

Yes, your own feelings are going to be aroused. You may feel afraid as you imagine yourself in their position. You may have suffered a similar loss. They may be experiencing a loss that you are most afraid of yourself. It may be appropriate to share some of those thoughts and feelings. But keep in mind, this is not primarily about you.

The most important thing is to stay in touch and allow them opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings. The most painful thing is for them to feel isolated and alone right now. Your attention and listening ear is a gift that will diminish their suffering better than anything.

Three Keys to Healing Relationships

Posted on March 16, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

The other day I was in session with Margaret (not her real name) and we were talking about her experiences with her family of origin. She had some long-standing conflicts with both siblings and parents and was feeling really frustrated about the re-occurrence of her negative feelings about them.

She had moved away from them, visited infrequently, but still got very upset about her interactions with them despite her avoidance. She felt that she had been pegged with the role of the oldest daughter (bossy, controlling, know-it-all, etc.) and despite all the changes she had made in her life, kept getting labeled and blamed.

I asked her what she wanted when it came to her relationships with them. Her answer was “to be at peace.” This was a change in the way she used to think about it.

Over the years she had wanted them to apologize for the way they had treated her in the past. And she wanted them to “get her.” To like and approve of her. To express appreciation for her and all the things she had done for them over the years. And to acknowledge and recognize the person she is today.

This was a tall order, to say the least! And you’ll notice that all of these conditions depended on others acting the way she wanted them to act. A variation on the old, “I could be happy if YOU would only…be different.” Since we have absolutely no control over what anyone else thinks, says or does, we will be in deep do-do if we allow our happiness to depend on someone else’s actions.

It also assumes that it’s true that in order to be happy, we desperately need the love and approval of every significant person in our life. This is #1 on Albert Ellis’s list of 11 irrational beliefs that are guaranteed to make you miserable!

Is this belief true? Of course not. Would it be great if your family members all loved and approved of you and told you so every other day? Well yes, that would be great. But it’s not likely and fortunately not necessary either. It is quite a task to change your mind about this, but becoming independent of the good opinion of others will be worth its weight in gold to you! That is the first key.

Accept that you can function independent of the good opinion of others. Begin by defining who you really are…the authentic you. Not the roles that you play or the qualities that others have ascribed to you. Go on an inner search and list all of the character attributes you can see. Take a peek into the shadows and include those things that make you squirm a little. For example if other people say you are bossy, maybe there is more than an element of truth to it. Own it and you will soon see that being bossy has some positive attributes that have served your life.

Strengthen relationships with friends and family members who are accepting and supportive of you. And most importantly, accept and support yourself with positive self talk and efforts to continue to develop new skills and abilities.

Work on fully accepting those family members you are in conflict with. Lower your expectations that they should be different than whom they are. Allow them to be just themselves instead of struggling to make them behave the way you want them to. You will notice that their behaviors are consistent over time. Instead of judging them, observe, perceive and use some compassionate curiosity. Extend to them what you have wished to have from them: your acceptance.

Lowering your expectations is very powerful! When we release our need for others to behave differently, the pressure is off. You can allow them to have their own agenda, even if you don’t fully understand what it is. It’s no longer in your domain to affect or control them.

Stop taking it personally! This may be the most important key of all. As you are able to simply observe other people, and can see that their behaviors are pretty consistent over time, you can see more objectively that what they do is NOT personal to you. In fact, most of the time it has nothing to do with you. It isn’t really about you.

For instance Margaret’s sister is competitive and it drives Margaret nuts! If she spends time with mom, her sister has to horn in. If Margaret has a promotion at work, soon everyone is talking about how her sister landed a big sales contract at her job. If she buys a new car, in a month or so her sister will have a better one.

I asked Margaret to observe her sister in relationship to others in her life, and Margaret was able to see that her sister was a really competitive person, and it showed up in relationship to her husband and her friends and other siblings. If Margaret were out of the equation, her sister kept on doing things to stay ahead of the game. In other words, it was not personal to Margaret. And neither is anyone else’s behavior personal to you.

It occurs to me that at least for some people, there is a 4^th Key. And that is to give up taking care of others. Now I don’t mean to stop being helpful when they need help. I am talking about that emotional need some of us have to accommodate others and to try to meet their expectations (or what we believe to be their expectations) without them even having to ask. Sometimes this may be a continuation of an old role that we played in the family of origin.

Before jumping in, allow them to handle whatever they need to handle. They likely are not as helpless or as fragile as you make them out to be. Be sure that you are not meeting you own needs to be important or essential or the strong one by dashing in to save the day. If they do need your help, they can ask. Otherwise, keep out of it and allow for some healthy space between you

As you practice these keys, you will begin to experience much less pressure in your relationships. As Margaret is discovering, it really is possible to be at peace within yourself without waiting for your family members to be different than they are!