Strange Teachers

Posted on January 18, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

” The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’.” ~Dan Rather~

Do you remember a favorite teacher? Or maybe you were fortunate enough to have several. Those gifted women and men who had a mission in life, and were able to connect with you in a way that gave you a mission too, at least for a little while. Even if you don’t remember the facts they taught (I was right when I said I would have no use for algebra!) your mind was expanded and perhaps most importantly because she or he cared about you and the kind of human being you could become.

Fortunately we don’t have to be in a formal education setting to find a teacher with a valuable lesson. They may come in the guise of a boss or a mentor. I have been surprised to find them in the children I have known. Sometimes the most poignant and yes, painful lessons, have come with the experience of being a parent.

The greatest gift of relationships in general is that they hold a mirror up to reflect our own image, and if we are willing students we learn a lot through them. Although we prefer our pleasant and close relationships, the conflicts that inevitably surface are true teaching moments. If we can get out of the angry blaming mode and take a good look in the mirror, we will catch a glimpse of truth about ourselves that we haven’t seen before.

There are patterns in those conflicts that are telling. And because the patterns tend to repeat over the years, we could look at our part in them and learn something valuable. Maybe the strangest teacher of all is that person that you really can’t stand. The one that gets on your last nerve. The one you find yourself ranting about to your friends or in your own head. They have qualities that you reject, even find repellant.

This is dark stuff. Dark in the way that Carl Jung called the shadow. Not necessarily evil, but rather “in the dark.” That stuff we can see readily in other people, but not in ourselves. As a matter of fact, Jung said that true evil was in not facing our own shadow. We tend to defend against looking at that uncomfortable dark stuff by projecting it onto others and getting self-righteous about how we are not like them.

The next time you are poked by this “sharp stick” try this: repeat the phrase “just like me.” For instance I have to confess to some self-righteousness about Hummer owners, and when I saw them on the road, I would mutter to myself about how they are a part-of- the-posterior-that-we-don’t-say-out-loud-in-polite-company, if you get my drift. I started adding “…just like me,” to the end of the name I was calling them, and immediately had to laugh.

The next time you are arguing or complaining, try this. “You are an idiot…just like me.” “You are lazy…just like me.” “Harry is irresponsible…just like me.” “Republicans (or Democrats or Christians or Jews or Europeans are _________ just like me.” The effect of this is immediate in that it releases anger, fear and judgment, at least for the moment. And in that moment a little light will shine into your own shadow. And if you are brave enough to look, you might see something about yourself that on the surface, may seem ugly. But when fully explored may hold the keys to your own emotional freedom.

Slaying the Perfection Dragon

Posted on October 21, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

There’s no doubt in my mind that the greatest enemy of good self esteem is perfectionism. And it’s also the greatest enemy of your peace of mind.

It doesn’t take much rational thought to see why this is true. What on earth can you see in your daily life that is perfect? Certainly human beings, as much as we may love them, are never perfect. And so neither are our relationships. And any undertaking we make may be excellent, but never perfect.

Elaine told me that her mother admired tall, thin, blonde girls. She was frequently pointing out one or another girl in Elaine’s class or on the streets of their town, telling Elaine how pretty that girl looked. It wasn’t lost on Elaine that she was athletic, short and stocky with dark brown hair and brown eyes. Quite different than the “perfect picture” that her mother lifted up as the ideal. Clearly, Elaine was never going to make that team!

We get these ideal images from our parents, and also are inundated with them every time we open a magazine, turn on the television or watch a movie. Our bodies, our clothing, our relationships, our jobs, cars and homes are all held up in comparison with perfection. Even our children “should” be in the right sports, schools and activities in order to reach some mythical perfect standards.

For quite a few years I was an ardent fan of a famous Domestic Diva, and bought her magazines, cook books, and watched her television program when I could catch it. I was smitten with the perfect pictures of food, crafts and rooms with their soothing, trademark colors. As her queendom grew, so did the number of her homes (how many homes can one person live in?), the elegant meals and complicated deserts. It occurred to me that these pictures of perfection were only made possible by the work of a gigantic cadre of minions who designed and executed the perfect gardens, recipes and craft projects.

A capable cook (if I do say so myself) I could slave over holiday meals or special deserts captured in the perfect pictures. But what about setting the perfect table with handmade decorations? Well, maybe if I started the month before (which I almost never did). And then what about the perfect room that my guests would eat that meal in? When it came down to it, I was pressed to have everything picked up and cleaned in time. Alas, I am a woman without even one minion to do my bidding.

As I was falling out of love with the Diva, I started to cringe when I heard her use the word, “Perfect!” on the episode I was watching. This was occurring at the same time I was becoming aware that I lived with the dragon Perfectionism myself. And what a misery it is!

You may notice that whatever picture you have in your mind about the perfect body, clothes, job, spouse, meal, etc., that it makes a moving target. There is nothing that escapes the beady eyes of your inner critic! Listen to your inner voice if you don’t believe me. Or listen to how you accept a compliment. You may sweat over finding the perfect dress for that dinner party; spend hours getting yourself put together. And when the first person compliments you, you say something like,

“Thanks but… (insert) I need to lose a few pounds, I was worried that it was too short or too long, I’m not sure it’s my color, or I’m afraid it makes my butt look too big.”

Picking out what doesn’t measure up to that picture of perfection is a great way to undermine self esteem. Struggling to reach some impossible standard is guaranteed to lower your self confidence!

Instead of being the Perfect Mom, could you be a Good Enough Mom? Meaning you can rear a child that is healthy, happy and grows up to be a contributing member of society. Yes, s/he will be another imperfect human. Instead of struggling to be the Perfect Cook/ Home Maker/ Professional What-ever/ Spouse, could you be Good Enough?

Knowing that you are a growing, developing, learning human who enjoys success and learns from failure (and yes, endures it because no one thinks it is fun!) you might loosen up enough to have fun, live in the moment, experiment (more fun), be curious and actually enjoy your life. The pictures may inspire us, but leave it at that. Use them for ideas, admire their beauty, and remember that that is all they do.

Most of all look for the beauty in your own rooms, or your own table in the meal that you serve. Enjoy the charm, warmth and uniqueness of the relationships that are a part of your life. And most of all, feel gratitude and appreciation for you…the lovable human being that you are.

Coyote Inspiration: A Story of Resilience

Posted on August 12, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

I was fascinated by a story I heard on NPR one morningabout coyotes in urban centers. We usually think about coyotes being wily creatures found in the Wild West or in a cartoon world chasing the roadrunner. But they are being found in increasing numbers in cities such as New York City, Chicago and downtown Phoenix. It is estimated that there are about 2,000 in downtown Chicago, many in the Loop.

While most people are unaware of the presence of the coyotes, they are thriving on a diet of rats, mice, feral cats and goose eggs. I had to wonder how many goose eggs could they find? Coyote pups have a better survival rate in the city than they do in their native habitat. It is the coyote’s ability to hide within feet of passersby that enables it to adapt to a world of concrete and macadam.

When I was a kid, my family lived on a farm in southwest Kansas. We heard coyotes howl at night very frequently, and I came to love the sound, although I admit it gave me the chills. For awhile we had a flock of ducks which came our way from the high school carnival where they were won as prizes by town kids whose parents didn’t want any part of trying to keep them. They gave them to my dad who was a high school biology teacher.The flock of ducks gradually moved farther from the house and barn to the sand hills beyond the corral where there was a little water in a low spot after a rain. This relocation turned out to be their undoing. My dad found them one morning massacred by coyotes, which horrified me.

Nevertheless, I have always had a fondness for the scrappy, elusive and resourceful coyote. Years later I was surprised to hear them one night near my home in central Pennsylvania. I thought I must be homesick and imaging things, but they have made their way. And now to learn about them in urban centers is really interesting.

Positive psychology might do well to adopt the coyote as its mascot. Resilience is a mainstay of positive psychology. Resilience is defined as 1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed or stretched; elasticity; and 2. the ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity or the like; buoyancy.

Human beings who do best in the aftermath of disaster or some stressful event, are those who, like the coyote, can adapt to present circumstances by making use of their strengths and skills. Your skills and strengths don’t likely include running in fast, short bursts of speed, or jumping and snapping or using your claws. But they may include an ability to talk or write effectively. Or possibly organizing and turning chaos into order. And it’s possible that your strengths include having great stamina, or self discipline, or an ability to inspire others to cooperate. Maybe you have leadership skills or are highly reliable at following through.

Make a list of your own strengths and abilities that might be used in new situations or in new ways. If you have a hard time thinking of them, write down a list of strengths and abilities that you see in your heroes. Often we recognize qualities in great people, but those same qualities are in us…just not yet noticed or claimed. Ask someone you trust and respect what strengths and abilities they see in you and add them to your list.

These qualities are precious because if you are aware of them and take opportunities to develop and expand them, they become a part of your resilience. Your ability to not only survive the traumas of life, but to thrive in the aftermath.

Imagination and Authentic Happiness

Posted on July 22, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination
is out of focus.” ~Mark Twain~

There’s a lot to be said for keen eyesight. One of my cohorts at breakfast this morning commented when her cell phone rang that she needed “a younger pair of eyes” to see the small digits on the caller ID. After passing a certain age (sooner than you think!) you may be reaching for those little reading glasses to read your cell phone or order from the menu.

As frustrating as that may be, we are more often plagued by a different type of focusing problem. And our happiness may well depend on sharpening it. Our imagination is sometimes called “the mind’s eye,” a term that I like for its descriptiveness.

Positive Psychology is known for identifying a person’s strengths and then building upon them. And in Positive Psychology circles, you will hear much mention of authentic happiness. Maybe best defined as your “inner state,” as opposed to fleeting moments of excitement or anticipation of some event, thing or person outside ourselves that pleases us.

We’re all familiar with that kind of happiness because it is what keeps us looking for the next best shiny object to buy or follow or seduce. As long as that person or object is pleasing us, we think we are happy. But it doesn’t last long, and then we’re off to find the next one. Some people never stop chasing and hoping for the next best thing. And of course are repeatedly disappointed or broke or both.

What’s wrong with this picture?

It doesn’t address the deeper needs of you as a human being. Authentic happiness, although elusive to define, has much more to do with how you feel about yourself (proud or ashamed), whether you feel that your life has purpose, how much you are engaged in your work and your life, whether you feel connected to other people or not, whether most of the time you consider yourself to be in a good mood or not. And also whether you deem yourself to be a success or not. Do you feel the world is better off for having you in it?

Another way to think about it is whether you are pleased with your general state of well being. Do you have enough energy to do what is important to you? Do you live in pain, or do you have relatively little pain? (I mean emotional as well as physical pain).

If in your estimation, you are generally lacking in one or more of these areas, you may well invest some time and resources in changing your life. And you are going to need your mind’s eye or imagination to do it. And whether you realize it or not, you are already using it…to either good effect or bad.

You may be wondering just what your inner vision or imagination has to do with this. When we’re unhappy we usually are much better at saying what we DON’T want instead of what we DO want. If that’s the case for you, then go with it. Write down what you DON’T want, and then write its opposite, and you will see more clearly what you DO want in your life. Or what kind of human being you DO want to be.

After seeing more clearly what you DO value or desire, then ask yourself “What will I be doing, feeling, being when I achieve __________?” Take some time with this step. Create the picture, or better yet, a mental movie. For instance, when you are having a closer relationship with your spouse, where will you be? What will you be doing? What emotions will you be feeling? Really allow yourself to fully feel those emotions, just as you would if you were watching your favorite movie.

Remember, your unconscious mind cannot tell that it is watching a movie, either in a theater or in your mental theater! And while your conscious mind knows that you are sitting in your living room with your eyes closed imagining this, the real powerhouse for driving your motivation and indeed your life, is your unconscious mind!

Just as with your physical eyes, your mind’s eye or imagination, will guide you on your path. If you want to have a happier life or be a healthier person, this inner vision must be clear. Know what you are shooting for by clarifying the target. And if you are imagining what you are afraid of and do not want, then STOP IT! Really, stop it and refocus on what you DO intend. Keep practicing until your vision is sharp and clear, and then keep practicing.

No News Is Good News

Posted on March 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

It was the news of the earthquake in Christchurch, New Zealand that started it. Learning of the disaster rang a personal note because I have some virtual friends there running a company that I am affiliated with. Thankfully they were safe, but the pictures they sent, as well as the ones in the news, told the story of their devastation and obvious distress.

After that came a string of stories from the uprisings in Africa and the Middle East, and the unimaginable disaster and losses in Japan. On my way to book group, I turned on the radio and heard that we were bombing Libya to enforce a no-fly zone. Capped off later with a story of young soldiers having a court-martial for killing civilians and posing with them as big game animals. Have we lost our collective minds?!

My own mind is the only one I can do anything about, and by this time I noticed that I was clearly feeling gloomy and pessimistic. Irritable and with low energy. I was having trouble being productive and keeping focused. No doubt about it, I was suffering from stress.

The meeting of the meditation circle couldn’t have been better timed. As I sat and began to quiet myself, I wondered what I needed to do. Later, it occurred to me that I needed to follow Dr. Andrew Weil’s sage advice and go on a news diet. In fact, I would go on a news fast.

My next thought was, “Can I do it?” After all, my radio comes on in the morning with Morning Edition on NPR. And sometimes before going to bed I turn on local weather and news to see what the next day might bring. My weekend mornings find me listening to Weekend Edition and if I’m not working in the evenings, to All Things Considered. While I spare myself the drama and stories told in soundbites on TV network news, I have to admit I am a news junkie.

And like any junkie, going cold turkey seemed tough and a tad unnerving. And so, copping more advice from the recovery movement, I decided that I would just focus on abstaining from the news one day at a time.

On the first morning the house seemed too quiet, and so I dug out my collection of music which I rarely hear, and began playing them one by one. That was enjoyable and since I like to listen while I write, very pleasant. I came across a couple of discs that will have to go, so weeding them out and organizing them as I go will also fulfill a double purpose of clearing out clutter.

At the end of the first day, I was feeling better. The next morning I decided to continue my news abstinence. Today marks a full week of my news recovery. My mood has improved, and my energy level and focus is much better. At some point I am sure that I will listen to the news again. But the experience of going on a news fast has made me more aware of how being inundated with bad news on a daily basis is stressful, and that stress certainly has a negative effect on body, mind and spirit. It’s good to find a way to cope.

The Art of Pruning

Posted on March 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Spring has arrived, and in my neck of the woods one should not be confused and expect June weather. Instead it is raw, overcast and promising a day of rain. I heard sleet against the window during the night. The robins seem undaunted by it, although every year I wonder if they might be rushing things when they start staking out their territories on the lawn and begin fighting their fake wars.

In the 5 Element tradition of Chinese medicine, Spring is the season of wood energy. And it seems that nature is gathering her forces, waking up from the depths of winter and starting to push forward and upward with mighty power. If you look carefully you can see evidence of it everywhere. And you might even be able to feel it within yourself.

This also means that it is time to prune. Gardeners are sharpening their saws and shears in order to cut away the winter damaged branches, the dead and useless. Also the excess branches from last summer’s lush growth needs to be pruned back in order to make room for new growth.

The grape vines look very spare and suddenly naked. And the fruit trees are surrounded by a pile of brush that, once removed, leaves them looking like a lean and spare version of themselves. Until you learn the wisdom of it, pruning is a hard thing to do. It seems a little brutal. Will you cut too much and ruin the coming summer’s fruit? Will you kill the vine?

But if you don’t cut enough, the crop will be spotty and scant at best. Too much wood blocks out the sun from the leaves and crowds the fruit so that it doesn’t have room and light and air in order to develop and ripen. Your misplaced kindness and hesitation will stunt the growth.

And so it is with ourselves. As we prepare to enter the great season of growth, what do you need to prune away? What do you have or do that no longer serves your life purpose? You can likely see some branches that need to be cut away. What is diverting your attention? What is weighing you down? How are you wasting your precious time? What is tripping you up? Or dulling your senses?

Don’t be afraid. Take heart and know that your pruning will result in more vigorous growth and eventually your life will bear the fruit that you desire and are fully capable of having.

Imagine The Path Ahead

Posted on January 6, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Live out of your imagination, not your history.” ~Stephen Covey~

There is something about the beginning of January that naturally encourages looking ahead. Whether you a a person who deliberately plans for the year or not, most likely you have had at least one conversation about it by now. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, you won’t be surprised to see that I have been asking my clients about this all week.

I admit it: I am a Goals Missionary. Or maybe a really annoying Think About Your Purpose in Life evangelist. Almost everyone is at least polite in their responses. I haven’t seen any actual eye rolling. A few have firmly denied that they even want to go there with me. Most will agree to spend part of our time talking about the possibilities for the year ahead and what they envision for themselves. Rarely has anyone written it down.

Have you? I want to suggest that there is a lot of power in the written word. And I don’t mean it in the usual English major sense of that phrase. I mean that the just the act of writing down what you want increases the ability to turn that desire into an intention. And it greatly increases the chance that you will bring it into being.

By the same token, writing down your gratitude or appreciation is more effective than just ticking off the list in your mind. And not surprisingly feeling grateful makes it much easier to manifest more positives in your life.

If you are willing to write down what you imagine to be your ideal life, and then to write down what elements you are noticing are already present and feel grateful for them, it becomes easier to stay tuned to those positives, rather than the dim disappointments of your past.

This certainly is not the full monty of goal setting. But it is the spirit that will motivate you, elevate your mood and your optimism and will certainly lead to inspired action. Try it and see if you don’t agree with me. As always, I love your comments and everyone else benefits from your thoughts and experiences.