The Widom to Know the Difference

Posted on February 22, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

There has been a lot of talk lately about the weather. It seems that no matter where you live, the winter weather this year has been just plain weird. In my neck of the woods, it has been very mild with little snow fall. In fact we had the most substantial snow at Halloween! And a couple of small snows that quickly melted.

There seem to be two schools of thought about this. One group is worried that this is the result of global warming, that the atmosphere is heating up from greenhouse gasses and that this mild weather bodes ill. That group is joined by those hearty souls who choose to live in a four season climate for good reason, and they love snow and are missing it because the skiing is lousy and ice skating or cross country skiing or snowshoeing is non-existent.

And then the other group is exclaiming over their good fortune because except for the Halloween snow, there has been little to no shoveling, and frankly they love the mild temperatures. Their lives have been without the usual winter disruptions and they hope this trend lasts. I never hear them mention the specter of polar bears swimming long distances.

This all reminds me that it’s a good thing that human kind has not figured out how to control the weather. And it also reminds me that other than practicing good stewardship of Mother Earth and our natural resources, we don’t have direct control of much at all.

Years ago I was attending a continuing education conference in psychology and addiction, and the presenter began by asking, “Has it occurred to you that you have very little control of anything in your life?” Well actually it had NOT occurred to me at that point, and I remember having an out of body experience, as if someone had hit a big gong right beside my head.

Since the idea was obviously resonating with me in a way that was impossible to ignore, there was no denying that to at least some extent, her statement was true. Very bad news for a young control freak who was in denial.

But in the intervening years, with the benefit of more life experience, therapy and education, I have come to accept the truth of it. We really control very little. Other people’s choices, beliefs and behaviors are outside our domain, regardless of our possibly strong judgments and attempts to gain control. This is why war doesn’t work very well for conflict resolution. The current global financial and political climates seem to follow cycles that are also not in anyone’s direct control. Although if you listen to the news in an election year, there is plenty of finger wagging and blaming going on.

We certainly don’t control our own emotions very well, although we are responsible for the behaviors that we choose to do when we act out on them. And we can learn to understand ourselves and how to manage better. Despite our best attempts to safeguard our health, we all are going to age and eventually die. And the losses that come with a long life span are inevitable and in fact necessary.

So how do we cope with this uncomfortable truth and still be responsible human beings? How do we maintain hope and optimism? How do we dream our dreams and set goals and move toward them if we can’t control what happens? This all seems quite paradoxical.

Personally I believe that we can cope when we take a spiritual perspective. The ego believes that resources are limited and that we are separate from each other and a higher power, and that we need more and more to “get ahead.” On the other hand when we see that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, then we can appreciate that we are all connected to each other, that we’re here to learn from our experiences, and that each one is valuable, even when painful or difficult.

Despite our lack of direct control, we are empowered when we accept responsibility for co-creating the life we lead, developing a vision of a life well lived, act as good stewards of the earth and of each other. We are empowered by careful observation followed by thoughtful and intentional action. We are empowered when our behaviors are aligned with our higher values and vision.

Do we do this perfectly? Not as long as we are human beings. It seems that our path is wobbly and uncertain at times, no matter how well intentioned we are. And every day we wake up, we get to choose all over again. And as we go, we are more accepting that there are lots of things we do not control, but instead we have the ongoing opportunity to choose well, and to do what we can for each other and for the higher quality of life.

Familiar from the 12 Step Traditions, “The Serenity Prayer”

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Adding Value to Life

Posted on January 16, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about. After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared. So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it. And he’s complaining a lot.

Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story. Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.

It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago. It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food. What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude. Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned. His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed. He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.

Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted. It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job. I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times. I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.

Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs. After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist. She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning. She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet. She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.

Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time. She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along. She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them. On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.

She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them. I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers. I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.

When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends? I know I do. And I feel happy about sending them more business.

When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people? When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand? There are at least three good reasons to do that.

You will be of much greater service to others. Your employer or the organization is going to profit from your focus and positive work ethic. Even if it is not the ultimate goal of your lifetime, it will more likely lead to recognition, good networking and eventually a next step in the right direction for your life.
You are going to benefit because a positive attitude is energizing and promotes good mental and physical health. When you are going out of your way to learn new things, perform more efficiently and support and help others, you are much happier in general. Moving forward is so much easier in this way than when you are resentful or fearful that you aren’t doing what you hoped you would be.
We tend to attract the same qualities that we are “putting out there.” So if you are feeling negative, you convey that to everyone around you whether you try to cover it up or not. Your unconscious mind is communicating with every other unconscious mind around you, and the results or feedback (or paycheck or tip) that you get reflects it. If people are giving you wide berth, you might ask yourself why and listen for an honest answer.

When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have. No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in. Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams. If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now! No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place. I urge you to do so.

Optimism and Coping with Stress

Posted on January 12, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

My morning routine usually begins with “Morning Edition” on National Public Radio. The other morning an interview caught my ear, in particular because it dealt with psychology and a training program for soldiers to deal with stress and prevent PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The Army instituted the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness after they became concerned in 2006 about the increasing incidence of PTSD and suicide.

While the stories of returning soldiers have brought PTSD to the foreground in the public awareness, it is a psychological disorder that is common with trauma survivors whether they have been in combat, suffered from domestic abuse, sexual assault or even an automobile accident. The increasing incidence of it in returning vets and their stressed families have made finding effective treatments more urgent. Of course as Benjamin Franklin knew, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so if we can be trained to build resilience, decrease stress and avoid PTSD, so much the better.

Why does this pertain to you and to all of us? Because we are all affected to some degree or other by stress in our lives. Whether we are subjected to some life changing event or an ongoing, unresolved conflict or pressure, stress is detrimental to health and happiness. We know that it lowers the functioning of the immune system and thus plays hob with every kind of chronic physical and psychological disorder.

Of course most of the causes of stress, and the prevention and treatment of it, occur between our ears. When we are pessimistic or negative in our thinking, we are highly vulnerable to it. Most of the time it isn’t the outer circumstances that are the culprit, but the way we think about it, or what we are telling ourselves about it. If you hear yourself on a rant to someone else, or in your own head, realize that you are “awfulizing” and causing yourself stress.

Of course if you are in combat or a car accident, that is no doubt a negative circumstance! So let’s get to the prevention part. A part of the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program teaches soldiers to Hunt the Good Stuff. To quote Sergeant 1st Class Michael Ballard, one of the trainers in the program, “One of the things is what we call Hunt the Good Stuff. And it’s something that we can do every day and it helps to build our optimism. Research shows that if you’re an optimistic person you’re going to live longer, you’re going to be happier. I mean isn’t that what grandma always said? You know grandma used always said count your blessings and look at those things.”

Reminds me a lot of the gratitude list in which you can write down 10 things at the end (or beginning) of every day that you are grateful for. And while doing that to allow yourself to really FEEL grateful.

Another version of “Hunt the Good Stuff” is an assignment I like to give to folks who are struggling in relationships with spouses or children, which I call “Catch them doing something right.” The object is the same: notice the qualities or behaviors that you like in that person and express appreciation for it. It quickly begins to change your own attitude for the better, and soon you are reinforcing and increasing the positive behaviors in that other person that you want to see.

It is so easy to pick out what is wrong and to run with it! It’s a short trip from there to imagining the worst, getting into conversations with other people and playing a big old game of “Ain’t it Awful?” Even if you keep your pessimism to yourself, you are going to set off a severe round of “monkey mind” and scare yourself or put yourself in a deep funk. And of course the more we do that the more we can find that everything is just awful and stressful and difficult.

Looking for positive things in your life will help you recover more quickly when things do go wrong. Finding what you are grateful for builds optimism and strength. “What we are trying to do here is to allow soldiers to make sense of what is happening, focus on what they can control, and not catastrophize(ph) and go into a downward spiral,” said the program’s director, Brig. Gen. James Pasquarette.

What is important to remember is that optimism can be learned or practiced, and that in doing so, you will improve your health and happiness in every aspect of your life. You can build your resilience so that when bad things do happen, you will be better equipped to cope and to recover your balance and well-being.

If you would like to read or listen to the NPR interview, here is the link:

http://www.npr.org/2012/01/08/144862810/classes-teach-soldiers-to-be-army-strong

A Gift For Yourself

Posted on December 12, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

‘Tis the season, as they say, and most of us are preoccupied with family obligations, social engagements, decorating, cooking and gift giving. I certainly have more things written on my calendar this month than any other time, and I know I’m not alone. The “to do” list can get oppressive if we’re not careful. And doing those things on the list can also be exhausting and stressful.

You may be tempted to just accept that this is the way it is, and to think the stress is inevitable. But I don’t think it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say this is a choice. In the previous two posts I encouraged you to give some conscious thought to what gives meaning to the season to you. I understand the power of culture whispering in your ear, but it is possible to stop and challenge the thinking and resist the pressure to conform to perfectionistic images that you may think you “should” create.

Anyone who has experienced remorse over credit card debt in January may find the motivation to rethink options for gifts. Putting yourself in financial straits is not a healthy or happy practice for you or the recipient of the gift. You have an opportunity to think creatively for pleasing the ones you love. You could offer them a certificate for your services, such as car detailing or babysitting or some other task that they would enjoy. Or it could be for a home made dinner and a game night.

Whatever your holiday tradition, ask yourself what do you enjoy about it the most? Or what might that be if you would really allow yourself to enjoy it? When I asked myself that question, music was the answer. And so I have made it a point to hear more music this year., and to make music myself. Attending live concerts is the best! And I also dug out CD’s that I have stashed away and haven’t heard in a long time.

A friend of mine has been making it a point to really pay attention to her activities and her level of energy. She has avoided over-scheduling activities, and takes plenty of time to eat well, drink plenty of water and to rest. Imagine that! Actually resting! This of course means being willing to prioritize, say no to some invitations and to be mindful of where she is expending her resources of money, time and energy.

Being in touch with friends and family is something else that my be meaningful and important, especially during this season. I know there are lots of jokes about the obnoxious annual Christmas letters in which mom brags about Muffy or Buffy getting into Harvard. But I must say that there are several letters that I look forward to receiving every year, and I really appreciate the time and effort it takes to compose and send them. Knowing that others feel the same way, I consider writing and sending my own to be a gift to some people on my list. If connection is important to you, consider sharing the events of your life over the past year or years, and giving that gift yourself.

Whatever it is that gives this end of the year holiday season special meaning to you, I hope that you will put yourself on your gift list and be generous. It will improve your mood, I promise, and no doubt your health will benefit as well.

Choose Life

Posted on October 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive,
and go do it. Because what the world needs is people
who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman~

Candace was in my office last week, talking about her job and whether she should apply for a new position that had been posted. She was unsure that she qualified and whether she had a chance since she was just promoted a year ago. She would like the pay increase and the title would look good on her resume, but wasn’t sure that she would actually enjoy the tasks of the new position or the people she would be working with.

Candace is a young woman with a strong work ethic who complains about her job a lot. But she does like most of her co-workers, the tasks she does in her present job, and the reliability of working for a large public agency. Some of her co-workers have been there for 30 years. She is comfortable there and knows what to expect.

After a bit of considering what she would have to lose by applying for the promotion (nothing really), I asked her what she imagines she might be doing in 5 years, or 10 years. Could she see herself there 25 years down the road? She was silent as she considered my question. Finally she replied that she really had no idea.

So I will ask you, the reader, the same question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 years? What are the chances that you will be loving your life and what you are doing with it?

If we think about this at all, we often see it within the framework of a career or job. That’s fine, but expand the frame a bit to consider all aspects of your life. And then ask a second question: what brings you to life? What is it that enlivens you? Do you see yourself doing more of what brings you to life in your future? This is important because the questions and answers will make all the difference in the quality of your life.

Happy people tend to be involved in doing what they feel passionate about. They spend a good bit of time pursuing something that matters to them or has meaning to them. And passionate people tend to live longer, healthier lives.

This does not always necessarily correlate to your job or career, but even better if it does. Wouldn’t it be great to be one of those people who say they are so lucky to be paid for what they love to do? Or to be so passionate about what you are doing that getting a paycheck is icing on the cake?

However some may express and explore their passions through a hobby or through education that may or may not lead to a career change. Perhaps learning more about what intrigues you and teaching or telling others about it expresses your passion. You may also volunteer in a position that allows you to express your passion.

If you don’t already know, how can you discover your passion? Here are some things to consider. Write down your observations of the following:

Focus on what you appreciate in yourself, in others and in life in general.
Recall a time or experience when you felt happy. Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your environment?
What are you doing when you feel energized?
When do you feel most alert, aware or engaged?
The last time you were telling someone something that you were enthusiastic about, what was it?
Complete this exercise in your journal: If you were to wake up some morning, and by some miracle, everything in your life was just as you would want it to be, how would it be? Describe everything in detail and don’t leave anything out. What are you feeling as you write this?
What are your core values? What is most important to you?

Because the questions are such important ones, I encourage you to dedicate some time and attention to exploring them. The quality of your life depends on it. If you choose to live intentionally, and I hope that you do, thinking about them and discussing your insights with others will be helpful and stimulating.

For further help, you may want to buy a book called The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. Interesting and fun to use, it is thought-provoking and will shed more light on your quest for self-understanding and a richer life.

Remembering

Posted on September 11, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

In preparing a post for this weekend, I confess to feeling some ambivalence. In light of the 10^th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the attempt that was foiled on Washington DC, writing about goals, successful living and positive psychology seem amiss. But writing about the terrorist events and all the losses involved is daunting too.

There no doubt will be many wiser and more inspiring words said. But as I have been thinking about it for the past week, one point popped out at me. We all got a graphic and horrifying reminder that life is unpredictable and we have very little control over events that occur. We don’t like to recognize how vulnerable we are.

That being said, it is also true that each of us has untapped potential, as well as unclaimed personal power. I’m not talking about aggression, which unfortunately often is confused with personal power. But rather I am thinking of the abilities, gifts and resilience that is a part of each person. When we accept ourselves and our responsibility to make the most of what we have, we are empowered.

And it seems to me that one of the messages of September 11 is that sometimes life is short, and that time is precious.

I believe that we have the responsibility to make the most of it. One thing that we can resolve from the experiences of September 11 is to commit to our continued growth and to take action that will express ourselves as the kind of human beings we intend to be. Maybe most of all, the message is to pay attention to where we are every day. Not to think of ourselves as some never ending rehabilitation project, but to be fully present, accepting and grateful.

We can notice and celebrate the most simple and beautiful and commonplace things that are a part of everyday life. Beauty surrounds us; we can see it, breathe it in and love it and know that we are a part of it. Love your life and treat it with the reverence and celebration that it deserves. That is the best memorial for September 11 that could be.

Ending Procrastination: No Time like the Present

Posted on September 1, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“The secret to getting ahead is getting started.” ~Sally Berger~

Procrastination is the bane of existence for those who set goals for their lives. Productivity is an important factor for most of us. Your livelihood may depend on producing products or processing information or offering services to people who pay for them. We tend to feel better when we are doing something worthwhile. And we seem to be naturally designed to want to be “getting somewhere.”

If you have the opportunity to observe a growing baby or toddler, you can see this natural inclination in action. From morning to night they are in motion. Reaching, grasping, crawling, pulling themselves up on furniture, they are constantly developing skills which lead them to the next level of ability. They don’t need to be told to set goals or how to do that. Remove what might be harmful to them, and watch them go.

What happens to quell this enthusiasm and energy?

We absorb messages from the important adults in our lives. Being told to “be careful,” often translates to “be fearful.” We may be discouraged by criticism and other experiences that undermine our confidence. Sometimes they are collective family or cultural messages such as “We’re not good at math/managing money/music/school “etc. Or “Girls/Boys don’t ______.” You can fill in the blank. Feeling embarrassed by being placed in the Sparrows reading group as opposed to the Robins may imprint a powerful limiting belief. (No first grader is fooled by those names!)

As you go through life practicing those beliefs with the emotions that are triggered by them, and then the behaviors that go along with them, they become second nature to you. And you act accordingly. They become part of your unconscious beliefs and your personae.

When you are called upon to do something new that challenges these beliefs, fear will undoubtedly pop up. And even if the new project or goal is your idea and you felt very enthusiastic when you chose it, there is resistance to it. You really want to start exercising, but you find yourself dawdling. Maybe it’s too hot or too cold, or you could use a better pair of shoes. Or maybe you’ll start tomorrow.

What to do to help yourself? We know that self blame and criticism won’t help any more than it did in the first place. If your Inner Critic is harping at you, it just keeps reinforcing that limiting belief! So stop it! Really, tell yourself to stop it and change the subject. Practice a new thought or move onto an activity that is small and a step toward what you want to accomplish.

There are tools available to you to reprogram your unconscious mind. When you are in a relaxed state (and this will take practice) and you focus your mind on the positive change you wish to make, working on that goal becomes much easier and less stressful.

Hypnosis is one such tool. Hypnosis is simply allowing your body and mind to relax and focusing on your intended result. There is nothing dangerous about it. You probably go into trance many times throughout the day. Driving a car along a familiar route is one very common experience in which we experience trance. Have you arrived at your destination, but don’t really remember anything after you started out? You were focused on something else. We are in a trance state when first awakening from sleep. Or when doing any task that is so familiar that you don’t have to think about it.

Hypnosis simply directs your attention to something you want to believe or achieve. And when done by a skilled psychological practitioner, it can be highly effective. The hypnotist will suggest the changed thoughts, but you are always in charge. No one can be hypnotized against their will or convinced of something they don’t believe in. Movies and television have lots of dramatic suggestions that color our ideas about it, but those aren’t really factual.

The best resource that I have found and used and recommend is The Hypnosis Network. All of the products they offer are done by well-seasoned clinical practitioners. Whether your goal is to have greater self confidence, better resilience, suffer fewer headaches, lose weight, stop smoking or to end procrastination and be more productive, hypnosis is a great tool to use.

Removing the negative and limiting beliefs about you will go a long way to ending procrastination. Being productive and achieving what you want in your life, whatever that is, will lead to a happier, healthier and more fulfilling life.