Strange Teachers

Posted on January 18, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

” The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’.” ~Dan Rather~

Do you remember a favorite teacher? Or maybe you were fortunate enough to have several. Those gifted women and men who had a mission in life, and were able to connect with you in a way that gave you a mission too, at least for a little while. Even if you don’t remember the facts they taught (I was right when I said I would have no use for algebra!) your mind was expanded and perhaps most importantly because she or he cared about you and the kind of human being you could become.

Fortunately we don’t have to be in a formal education setting to find a teacher with a valuable lesson. They may come in the guise of a boss or a mentor. I have been surprised to find them in the children I have known. Sometimes the most poignant and yes, painful lessons, have come with the experience of being a parent.

The greatest gift of relationships in general is that they hold a mirror up to reflect our own image, and if we are willing students we learn a lot through them. Although we prefer our pleasant and close relationships, the conflicts that inevitably surface are true teaching moments. If we can get out of the angry blaming mode and take a good look in the mirror, we will catch a glimpse of truth about ourselves that we haven’t seen before.

There are patterns in those conflicts that are telling. And because the patterns tend to repeat over the years, we could look at our part in them and learn something valuable. Maybe the strangest teacher of all is that person that you really can’t stand. The one that gets on your last nerve. The one you find yourself ranting about to your friends or in your own head. They have qualities that you reject, even find repellant.

This is dark stuff. Dark in the way that Carl Jung called the shadow. Not necessarily evil, but rather “in the dark.” That stuff we can see readily in other people, but not in ourselves. As a matter of fact, Jung said that true evil was in not facing our own shadow. We tend to defend against looking at that uncomfortable dark stuff by projecting it onto others and getting self-righteous about how we are not like them.

The next time you are poked by this “sharp stick” try this: repeat the phrase “just like me.” For instance I have to confess to some self-righteousness about Hummer owners, and when I saw them on the road, I would mutter to myself about how they are a part-of- the-posterior-that-we-don’t-say-out-loud-in-polite-company, if you get my drift. I started adding “…just like me,” to the end of the name I was calling them, and immediately had to laugh.

The next time you are arguing or complaining, try this. “You are an idiot…just like me.” “You are lazy…just like me.” “Harry is irresponsible…just like me.” “Republicans (or Democrats or Christians or Jews or Europeans are _________ just like me.” The effect of this is immediate in that it releases anger, fear and judgment, at least for the moment. And in that moment a little light will shine into your own shadow. And if you are brave enough to look, you might see something about yourself that on the surface, may seem ugly. But when fully explored may hold the keys to your own emotional freedom.

The Healing Power of Ritual

Posted on November 20, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

With the winter season approaching and the holidays coming with it, there seem to be a lot of traditions that are filled with rituals that we return to year after year. Some of them we do out of obligation, and some we might like to dispense with altogether. Whether we participate with eager anticipation or with resignation, the function of rituals in life is important.

Rituals seem to somehow anchor us in life. There is a sort of shorthand to understanding who we are and where we fit into our family, religious or social group. And while the rituals may be unique or very generally recognized and practiced, we instantly respond emotionally and sometimes spiritually.

In a world that seems sometimes to be changing with lightning speed, there is something comforting in taking the time and effort to share a meal featuring “the usual” food with people we know and love, even when liking them may be a challenge. Every family has their way of celebrating, and when new members are added, they are oriented to the rituals, and may bring their own to share.

When family relationships are strained, it can be a challenge to gather and be civil to one another, yet the sharing of holiday customs can be healing in that they remind us of history, experiences and values that we still have in common. Usually we may discover that we have much more in common with each other than the differences that divide us.

Children benefit from rituals and ought to be included in preparations according to their abilities. Did you know that something as simple as sitting at his/her own place at the table is a ritual that has been shown to make a huge advantage in children’s development? The rituals that the family observes help to anchor a child in life and to help them feel more secure with a sense of belonging.

And in fact, they help to make us all feel secure. For those who are going through challenging times, we may feel some comfort in observing traditions that go back to our earlier years. And as we grow and develop, we may discover that we need to develop new rituals that express our faith, our self and our love for each other.

I hope that you will be intentional in how you decide to celebrate. Consider what would be most meaningful to you, and discuss these ideas with those close to you. Be mindful of your needs and feel free to express yourself. Where ever and however you choose to celebrate, I wish you love and joy.

Letting Go

Posted on November 8, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“There are things I can’t force. I must adjust.
There are times when the greatest change needed is
a change of my viewpoint.”
~Anonymous~

In my on-going attempt to curb the clutter in my life, I was cleaning out some files, pitching out some material that I used a long time ago but haven’t seen recently. I came across something that I once used when I facilitated a women’s group therapy.

I really have no idea where it came from. I’m guessing it came out of the 12 Step traditions in some form or fashion. Since I don’t know who to give credit to for it, I offer my apologies in advance. But I like it and find the concept of “letting go” a valuable tenant of a healthy and happy life, whether you consider yourself to be recovering, or a traveler on a heroes journey (as Joseph Campbell called it).

Here it is; I hope it is useful to you:

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more.

Dealing with the Nitty-Gritty

Posted on September 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then,
is not an act, but a habit.” ~Aristotle~

The other day a woman was telling me about her husband, who surprised her by announcing that he was going to clean the house. Not something that he typically does…or ever does, according to her. She had errands to run, and when she returned to the “cleaned” house, she saw that he had pushed everything to the perimeter of the living room and vacuumed the middle of the floor. And he called the job done.

We chuckled about this novel approach to house cleaning, but it occurred to me that it serves as a metaphor for life. And that probably if we care to take a peek into our own dark corners, we will likely find something akin to the husband’s method.

This morning I was looking around the office that I occupy, and when hunting for a file I need, was amazed to find all sorts of things that I jammed into folders thinking I would use it someday. Needless to say, I haven’t. There is a pile of paper in my “in basket” as well as in my “out basket.” (Would someone please remind me of how this organizational tool is supposed to work?) And I have to admit that I am behind in posting financial information that I will need for tax time.

But the middle of the floor is clean!

We do this in the figurative sense as well as the literal. “The devil is in the details,” as the saying goes. Those things you are procrastinating about have a way of piling up. How long have you thought about increasing the vegetables in your diet? Or making an appointment with the dentist? Or taking courage in hand and joining a meeting or group that you think would be interesting? Or meeting with a financial planner? Or having a conversation with someone that you are afraid might be touchy?

You can go on about the daily round of your life (the middle of the floor, so to speak) and not think too much about what you are pushing to the perimeters of your life. But those nitty-gritty details seem to speak to us. Sometimes in dream time, and sometimes in vague mounting anxiety or dread. Or sometimes someone else will bring it up, or a deadline is looming and you know it’s time to pay the piper.

Know this: some sort of resistance is at work here. And we all have to contend with our resistance. Perhaps it is an outdated negative belief that you hold. Perhaps it may be some shame or embarrassment that you haven’t tended to it before this. Or maybe the energy required to overcome inertia seems too much.

When you face it squarely and ask yourself what is up with this? (and take the time to listen to the answers) you will discover the root of your resistance. And when you do that, you are on the way to rooting it out and overcoming it. Use your journal to clarify your insight. Use Meridian Tapping or EFT to resolve and release the emotion and limiting belief that is stopping you.

You really don’t have to limit your success or happiness by hanging onto the burdens of negative belief. Affirm the kind of human being you want to be; clarify your intentions and then with courage take the baby steps every day to love your life fully.

Need Clarity? Put Your Hands To Work

Posted on July 28, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect
has struggled with in vain.” ~Carl Jung~

A good friend of mine is known for what she calls “shoving furniture.” When she is feeling overwhelmed by a situation she can’t resolve, or angry, or trying to figure something out, she turns to cleaning house. Deep into the corners, as my mom would say. Complete with rearranging the furniture.

This can be an effective way to see something more clearly that sitting and thinking will not uncover. Maybe it is the movement of the body or focusing on a task at hand that quiets the mind chatter and calms the spirit. Weeding the garden, or stacking fire wood would do it for me.

After a bit, I would stop thinking about what I had been so concerned about. My irritation or anger or aungst would seem to dissipate, and often suddenly something would pop into mind that would be at least the beginning of a way to see what my next step could be. Maybe the work freed up the right side of my brain (the more creative side) to come up with a solution.

It’s easy to get caught up in the tangle of frustration and fear or anger, trying to think your way to an answer. Next time you find yourself there, find a physical task that needs to be done, and get to work. You may find some inspiration and clarity at the end of it.

To My Mother On Mothers Day

Posted on May 8, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Dear Mom, Since I have been thinking about you all day, I thought I would give you a call to tell you so. It was a short but pleasant conversation, but at 91 and with dementia, I know you won’t remember the call or anything else that set this day apart from any other. So I’m writing this for you to read later, and also to express some thoughts that other readers may relate with.

Visiting Amy, Anna Grace and Charlie has afforded a number of opportunities for reminiscing. We have shared childhood memories, laughing about most of them. Having been a mother myself, and now a grandmother, provides a perspective that only comes with time and experience. Seeing Amy and Charlie as parents stirs up the memories as well. Being grandmother to a two-year-old is way easier than being a mother to two was! And you were mother to seven of us who passed through toddler-hood as well as adolescence. Bless your heart. Just thinking about it makes me want to go take a nap!

All the cards and flowers express sweet sentiments about motherhood. And no doubt about it, there are sweet aspects of the job. But more than that is a lot of sheer grit and determination and hard work. This morning I remembered vowing to myself and no doubt to any siblings who happened to be within earshot, that “I will NEVER do (such and such…) when I am a parent!” I had to smile at my certainty and immature self-righteousness.

Last week I was reading Geneen Roth in her wonderfully written book, Women, Food and God in which she describes the child’s formation of identity or ego. It is the refracted views of many messages from parents and grandparents that really come from their own internalized wounds and beliefs about themselves, not you the child. In other words, images and internalized limiting beliefs are passed on from generation to generation and then acted out, unless we become conscious of them and work on changing them.

Over the years I have come to recognize those internalized messages that have come down through the generations. Some of them are limiting and some are beneficial. And although I confess to squirming at the thought of unconsciously passing the limiting beliefs on, I also know that this is the human condition. I would have liked to do the motherhood thing perfectly myself, but that is not possible. We’ll have to settle for doing it “well enough.”

So here’s what I appreciate most about you, Mom. Your unfailing faith has been a beacon to me throughout my life. I could not have named or explained it in my youngest days, but I have always been aware that you had a strong and vital moral compass and a living faith that sustained you. There was never any doubt where you stood on ethical problems, and with your children you were crystal clear about what you expected.

I learned a lot of life skills from you that have held me in good stead, and which I in turn passed down to my kids. We know our way around the kitchen, and you would laugh at the notion that the “Slow Food Movement” is a new idea. Gardening, sewing, preserving and creating were all a part of your daily life. Amy and I were laughing at the irony that children who grow up eating well prepared, nutritious food probably have no appreciation of it until their adult years.

Although at times I wished that you would have had more play, light-heartedness and leisure in your life, I acknowledge and respect how hard you worked throughout your life. I understand from listening to your childhood stories and times in your married life that hard work was essential to the family’s survival. And although there were times when I sure couldn’t understand or appreciate it, (and no doubt complained bitterly about it), all of us were expected to do chores and to perform well in school and to have jobs as soon as we were old enough.

You know, I wanted to be one of those girls who got to go to Silver Slipper (dancing classes) and hang out for hours at the swimming pool (being cool) and after an all-night “slumber” party to come home and catch up on my sleep instead of having to get my chores done. I dreamed of trying out for cheer leading (certain that I would be chosen) but was bluntly told by you that no daughter of yours was going to be jumping around showing her fanny off to the crowd. (I was bitterly certain that you were ruining my life!) Instead I could take piano and cello lessons (no fanny showing in that!) and be a part of orchestra and chorus. You knew the limitations of the budget and you knew your values. And eventually I came to appreciate them too.

When I see you now it is often to assist you in some activity of daily living that you can no longer safely perform alone. I am sometimes amazed and humbled by your grace in accepting the loss of people you loved and also of your own physical and mental abilities. Our conversations are usually about the distant past and the early days of your childhood and sometimes of your college days. When we talk about the present you need a lot of reminders, but you are still interested in conversations about current topics. And your sense of humor, not at all tarnished with age, shines through, always making us all laugh.

As I finish my work with you, I am always touched by your appreciation and gratitude for my help. If you couldn’t or wouldn’t say these things, I know that (having internalized your values) I would support and help you anyway. This is really the least that I can do. Over my life time I have been buoyed by your support and encouragement. Some very difficult and painful passages have been warmed and lit by the expressions of your love and acceptance, even when I was sure that you didn’t necessarily understand or approve of how I had come to such a pass.

I guess this is the best example that I know of unconditional love. When I gave up wishing for the Perfect Mother and accepted my very human one, I recognized this. Isn’t it ironic that the Divine quality of Love (“with a capital L,” as my meditation teacher calls it) comes through human form of you as my mother? Words cannot really express my gratitude for you, the gift of my life and the Love that kindled it and shines through it. Thank you.

The Art of Pruning

Posted on March 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Spring has arrived, and in my neck of the woods one should not be confused and expect June weather. Instead it is raw, overcast and promising a day of rain. I heard sleet against the window during the night. The robins seem undaunted by it, although every year I wonder if they might be rushing things when they start staking out their territories on the lawn and begin fighting their fake wars.

In the 5 Element tradition of Chinese medicine, Spring is the season of wood energy. And it seems that nature is gathering her forces, waking up from the depths of winter and starting to push forward and upward with mighty power. If you look carefully you can see evidence of it everywhere. And you might even be able to feel it within yourself.

This also means that it is time to prune. Gardeners are sharpening their saws and shears in order to cut away the winter damaged branches, the dead and useless. Also the excess branches from last summer’s lush growth needs to be pruned back in order to make room for new growth.

The grape vines look very spare and suddenly naked. And the fruit trees are surrounded by a pile of brush that, once removed, leaves them looking like a lean and spare version of themselves. Until you learn the wisdom of it, pruning is a hard thing to do. It seems a little brutal. Will you cut too much and ruin the coming summer’s fruit? Will you kill the vine?

But if you don’t cut enough, the crop will be spotty and scant at best. Too much wood blocks out the sun from the leaves and crowds the fruit so that it doesn’t have room and light and air in order to develop and ripen. Your misplaced kindness and hesitation will stunt the growth.

And so it is with ourselves. As we prepare to enter the great season of growth, what do you need to prune away? What do you have or do that no longer serves your life purpose? You can likely see some branches that need to be cut away. What is diverting your attention? What is weighing you down? How are you wasting your precious time? What is tripping you up? Or dulling your senses?

Don’t be afraid. Take heart and know that your pruning will result in more vigorous growth and eventually your life will bear the fruit that you desire and are fully capable of having.