“Every morning you are handed twenty-four golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn’t buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure? Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once. Once wasted, you cannot get it back.”
~Source Unknown
Several folks have told me this week that they woke up feeling awful or anxious or something else negative. And that it was downhill from there for the rest of the day. Not that unusual a conversation starter in my line of work. And then I had a day like that myself…first time in a long time.
By 10AM I was well mired in doom and gloom, and then by 10:15 asked myself what was up with this? Several things occurred to me. Asking that question pushed me into Observer Mode rather than Reactor Mode. One thing was for sure: I was in the midst of doing some stinkin’ thinkin’ which was responsible for my glum mood and low energy.
This is how it works; it’s a big chain reaction in which one event gives rise to the next, and on and on, over and over again throughout the day. Or a few minutes if we are paying attention and intercede. Or a week, month, year or lifetime if we don’t.
Here is an example of how this chain works. Robert is getting ready for work and half watching and listening to a morning television show while he dresses. He hears some bad news about the national economy (Trigger Event). His immediate thought is something like, “Things are just getting worse everywhere! What’s the use?” (Thought). This in turn evokes feelings of fear and helplessness (Emotion). He goes on for awhile thinking more along these lines until his emotions are amplified. By now he is taking this personally and wondering when his own job might be terminated, probably without notice. When his wife comes into the room to ask about when she should ask for time off the vacation they have planned, he curtly replies that she should forgot about a vacation this year; they can’t afford it! (Behavior). His bewildered wife asks why on earth he is saying this since they have saved for the vacation, and all their expenses are already covered. An argument ensues and as they both drive off to work, they both feel angry and frustrated. (Consequence).
If you were to ask Robert what was wrong, he would likely tell you about the news event, how it “made him feel” and go on a rant about how bad things are and how he wouldn’t be at all surprised if his employer would lay him off at any time. As he sees it the bad news is responsible for his bad mood and it doesn’t help that his wife “just doesn’t get it.” Her head is obviously stuck in the sand or she would be ready to cancel their vacation too because it is a frivolous waste of money, in light of how bad things are.
If Robert were aware of his own thought-emotion chain, he could see that he is reacting to the news story and that he has other options. There are no doubt many other people who saw the same news story and had very different reactions to it. It isn’t the trigger event itself that causes Robert’s misery; it is his thoughts about it that are responsible. If he becomes aware and challenges his thoughts, beliefs and assumptions, it is possible to have a perfectly fine day, be in a good mood and continue planning the vacation with his wife.
When you hear yourself make comments such as, “You make me really mad!” or “You make me really happy!” or “So-and-so is driving me crazy!” or “Such and such made me worry all day,” pay attention because you have just zipped down the Trigger Event-Thought-Emotion-Behavior-Consequence chain of events.
The truth is that no one and nothing can “make” you feel anything. Each of us is responsible for the emotions we feel and what we do with them. If the responsibility seems daunting, when you challenge yourself to pay attention and change them, you will feel much more empowered. And isn’t that what we are going for?
The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about. After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared. So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it. And he’s complaining a lot.
Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story. Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.
It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago. It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food. What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude. Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned. His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed. He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.
Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted. It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job. I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times. I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.
Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs. After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist. She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning. She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet. She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.
Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time. She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along. She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them. On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.
She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them. I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers. I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.
When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends? I know I do. And I feel happy about sending them more business.
When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people? When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand? There are at least three good reasons to do that.
When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have. No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in. Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams. If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now! No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place. I urge you to do so.
“You will go where you look.”
~Jay Stockwell~
For those who are regular readers it will come as no surprise to you that central to my philosophy, is a belief that we are personally responsible for the quality of our lives. As a matter of fact, the more accountable we are for our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices and outcomes, the healthier and happier we generally are.
The beginning of every year offers us a natural period of time for assessing where we are and what we would like to be doing for the coming twelve months. Of course there are skeptics who reject making plans for change. That may be born of perfectionism: “In the past I “relapsed” into old patterns and gave up, so what’s the use of trying again?”
I get that. True change takes imagination, courage and persistence. Many don’t have the stomach for it, or the patience. It is easier to be on autopilot, going to work every day, putting up with however we find it, complaining about what we don’t like, going through the same routine every night, going to sleep, getting up and doing it all over again.
Often our relationships, social lives and leisure time are functioning in the same way. Taking for granted those we live with, complaining about and to them, and running through the same old conflicts. Meeting the same people for the same activities, zoning out in front of the television or surfing the web for hours on end.
I call it sleep walking through life. Killing time. It’s truly a deadly way to live.
I have heard from a number of people that they are bored, lacking energy and enthusiasm, maybe depressed. They may be doing things, but only because they are expected to do them or are supposed to or “have to” do them. If you find yourself in the same boat, I encourage you to ask yourself some pertinent questions.
Observe yourself if you would rather blame life circumstances or someone else for your funk. That’s the easy way out. Blaming your boss or the company, your spouse, kids or the weather may be comfortable because it gets you off the hook from having to take responsibility or action. So if you write a question such as “When is my boss going to recognize my work and give me the raise I deserve?” you are barking up the wrong tree! You have no control or say over what your boss does. And believe it or not, your discontent is not caused by him or her.
Also avoid asking “Why?” As in “Why am I afraid to change jobs?” That will take you down the path of explaining, telling yourself endless stories and justifying your unhappiness. Insight may be great but it doesn’t change anything in and of itself. You may come to see that you got lots of messages in your family about how important it is to play it safe, never change jobs or challenge authority. But what are you going to do about it?
Instead, ask yourself “What “and “How.” As in “What is going on with me feeling so fatigued and unhappy?” Or “How am I contributing to my dissatisfaction at work?” Or “What is my part in this conflict?” Or “What would bring more meaning to my life?” “How do I need to change so that I am enjoying my life (or work, or relationship)?” You notice also that these are “I” questions. They aren’t about how to get someone else to change so that you can finally be happy!
There are other great questions to ask yourself and to explore. “Who am I?” “What brings me to life?” “What am I truly grateful for?” “What do I truly value, and how can I express those values?”
These valuable questions bring you to some answers as to what you need. And they can point to action you can take. Notice though that this isn’t the end of the story because as you continue on through your life, the situation and your needs are going to change. I encourage you to continue to ask the questions and to listen to yourself and the answers that come up. As your experiences develop new awareness, skills and abilities, the questions will bring up different answers.
The process will serve you well, help keep you healthy and happy and involved in a meaningful and rewarding life.
December is the season of light in many ways. The Christmas star and “the coming of the Light” for Christians, and the Menorah for Jews who celebrate the Feast of Lights, are familiar parts of our celebrations. The winter solstice, the longest night, is just days away and will usher in winter.
I hear a lot of comments from folks who dislike getting up in the dark and driving home from work in the dark. Did you know that for some of us, this lack of light exposure has a real effect on our mental health? This goes beyond not liking snow and cold, or short days for that matter. The lack of light actually results in Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD for a significant part of the population.
It took years for me to figure out that I am one of those affected people. I knew I didn’t like winter, although I couldn’t say that it was snow or even the cold that bothered me. As it turns out, it really is a depression complete with symptoms that accompany a clinical depression that has been triggered by other causes such as long term stress.
Lack of energy, “brain fog” (my term for a sort of dull, slow cognitive function), sleep and appetite changes (carbohydrate craving anyone?), blue mood, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and lack of sex drive often are common. A high percentage of people with chronic insomnia are depressed.
These symptoms may appear as early as late September and last until sometime in March, when the days are long enough to give us adequate light exposure. SAD may be treated as any depression, with an increase in exercise and possibly even medication. But the easiest, most effective and least invasive way to solve the problem is with light therapy.
This requires full spectrum light, just as the sun has. Incandescent lighting that is typical for home use won’t work because they lack the full spectrum. Placing full spectrum bulbs on the ceiling in place of fluorescent lighting is also not effective because it it too far from the eyes to work.
The source of the light must be close enough to pass through the retina of the eye, which means your face should be about 12-18 inches from the source of the light. The best way to do this is with a light box which was made for just this purpose. There may be an advantage to having the light above the center of vision, at an angle, as a desk light might be. You may read or write while you use the light, preferably for 30 minutes in the morning.
Research has shown that light therapy is highly effective for folks suffering from SAD. Some will find an added benefit to taking Vitamin B-12. It is not recommended that you use the light late in the day or you may have trouble sleeping.
The best resource for high quality light boxes is http://www.sunbox.com/ which is recognized by the National Institutes of Health. They partnered with NIH in the research on the treatment of SAD, have been in business for 25 years. I have been using one of their light boxes for over 6 years, and have recommended them to many of my clients. If you contact them, you will find their customer service to be excellent, and they provide a money back guarantee on their products.
If you are feeling tired, glum and having trouble concentrating, using light therapy may be a solution. I highly recommend it, and am happy to read your comments or questions.
‘Tis the season, as they say, and most of us are preoccupied with family obligations, social engagements, decorating, cooking and gift giving. I certainly have more things written on my calendar this month than any other time, and I know I’m not alone. The “to do” list can get oppressive if we’re not careful. And doing those things on the list can also be exhausting and stressful.
You may be tempted to just accept that this is the way it is, and to think the stress is inevitable. But I don’t think it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say this is a choice. In the previous two posts I encouraged you to give some conscious thought to what gives meaning to the season to you. I understand the power of culture whispering in your ear, but it is possible to stop and challenge the thinking and resist the pressure to conform to perfectionistic images that you may think you “should” create.
Anyone who has experienced remorse over credit card debt in January may find the motivation to rethink options for gifts. Putting yourself in financial straits is not a healthy or happy practice for you or the recipient of the gift. You have an opportunity to think creatively for pleasing the ones you love. You could offer them a certificate for your services, such as car detailing or babysitting or some other task that they would enjoy. Or it could be for a home made dinner and a game night.
Whatever your holiday tradition, ask yourself what do you enjoy about it the most? Or what might that be if you would really allow yourself to enjoy it? When I asked myself that question, music was the answer. And so I have made it a point to hear more music this year., and to make music myself. Attending live concerts is the best! And I also dug out CD’s that I have stashed away and haven’t heard in a long time.
A friend of mine has been making it a point to really pay attention to her activities and her level of energy. She has avoided over-scheduling activities, and takes plenty of time to eat well, drink plenty of water and to rest. Imagine that! Actually resting! This of course means being willing to prioritize, say no to some invitations and to be mindful of where she is expending her resources of money, time and energy.
Being in touch with friends and family is something else that my be meaningful and important, especially during this season. I know there are lots of jokes about the obnoxious annual Christmas letters in which mom brags about Muffy or Buffy getting into Harvard. But I must say that there are several letters that I look forward to receiving every year, and I really appreciate the time and effort it takes to compose and send them. Knowing that others feel the same way, I consider writing and sending my own to be a gift to some people on my list. If connection is important to you, consider sharing the events of your life over the past year or years, and giving that gift yourself.
Whatever it is that gives this end of the year holiday season special meaning to you, I hope that you will put yourself on your gift list and be generous. It will improve your mood, I promise, and no doubt your health will benefit as well.
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