Failure, the Great Teacher

Posted on September 27, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when
life seems most challenging.” ~Joseph Campbell~

Success is the name of the game. Success is what we are all aiming for, isn’t it? However we define it, whatever we think it looks like, we all want it. And of course there is no universal definition of success because it runs the gamut from having basic needs comfortably and reliably met to mansions, houses on the beach and private jets. And many people define success as solid and loving relationships with a partner, family and friends. And others would say it is a deep and meaningful spiritual life.

Much of our focus and effort is aimed at achieving success. What we are not prepared for is failure. And failure is an inevitable and seemingly unavoidable part of human life. It’s an ugly word and a source of shame and embarrassment when we experience it. We don’t like to talk about it and because of that, we may miss the true value of experiencing failure.

What I mean is that failure is a terrific teacher if we have the courage to face it squarely and ask some questions. That may be a tall order because of the attitude of the culture that somehow we should be able to avoid failing, and if we don’t, something is seriously wrong with us. We want to run and hide instead of exploring the ins and outs of what led us to this outcome.

Because we feel ashamed and isolated, we are likely to start looking around for something or someone to blame for our failure. It’s a bad economy, or it’s our parents’ fault for not teaching us better, or a poor education, or our partner screwed up. That might momentarily give you some relief, but it is shallow and short-lived and won’t serve you well in the long run. Playing victim will just keep you stuck.

Suppose you were to take courage in hand and have an honest look? It seems to me that most of the failure we experience comes about because we were blind to something that was in front of us all the time. Perhaps it’s something that we didn’t want to see. Or maybe something that we weren’t emotionally ready to handle. Or maybe something that we were just ignorant of because we hadn’t had the life experience to learn that yet.

Give yourself a break! Have some compassion and curiosity! The question is, “How did I get here and what am I supposed to learn from this?”

When you ask the hard questions and take time to explore the answers, you will learn a lot. And when you are really brave and accept full responsibility for everything that happens to you, the energy that moves you forward will just amaze you! When you stop whining and arguing with yourself and everyone else about whose fault it was, you can finally focus on the missing pieces, put them in place and get on with building a life.

Dave Ramsey is a well-known financial teacher whose experience with failure changed the course of his life. He had built a real estate empire, which turned out to be a house of cards which left him in bankruptcy. Feeling horrible about letting his family down, he was no doubt mortified. But he was courageous and curious and began looking at how he had created the situation and took full responsibility for it. Eventually he recovered, and what he learned changed the entire direction of his life.

His mission became teaching others how to manage money responsibly, how to get out of debt and to be financially free. His first book, Total Money Makeover and his subsequent books led to courses that are offered all over the US. Thousands of people have benefited from his experience of failure and the work that came out of it.

Of course Dave Ramsey’s story is only one of many. For each human being there is a failure story. What is needed is the willingness and ability to use failure for transformation. Our faith is strengthened by the dark nights of the soul. Could Jonah have become the prophet without those days and nights in the belly of the whale? A new life awaits those who are willing to work through the fear and pain of a divorce. A vivid and meaningful life is possible for those who desire and work for freedom from addiction.

Your failure has much to teach you. And I would venture to say that without it, we cannot possibly reach the heights of success that we aspire to.

Sorting Lead From Gold

Posted on September 16, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only
with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential
is invisible to the eye.”
~Antoine de Sainte-Exupery~

Fall is around the corner and wherever you live, you are probably aware of the changes that are underway. Most of us in the developed world, ever more engaged in technology, may live in ways that seem disconnected from nature. But of course we are not.

After all we are animals, and our lives are just as dependent and intertwined with the natural world as the migrating birds, butterflies and squirrels. The trees outside my window are beginning to drop their leaves, even though just a few of the outer branches have begun to change color. They have served their purpose for the growing season, and are no longer needed.

There’s a clue in that for us I think. Our lives have seasons of development and growth, as well as periods of rest and renewal. What is valuable, necessary and useful in one season is not in another. There are parallels in human life to those leaves which once were green, verdant and vital but then turn color and are dropped to the ground.

We may be tempted to hang onto them out of sentiment or not notice that they are no longer useful to us. Sometimes we are oblivious to what is going on right under our very noses! Or inside our minds and hearts, for that matter. Practicing mindfulness will tune you in to the immediacy of your state of mind and how your body feels as well as what is going on around you.

When you do, you can ask yourself what is valuable to you right now and what is not. It is important to ask yourself questions about what you want in your life and what kind of human being you intend to be. After all we are always in the process of Becoming, as Carl Rogers, humanistic psychologist, put it. And what was gold in your life 10 or 20 years ago might have turned to lead today.

Be discerning. That is what the energy of fall is all about. Assessing and clearing out is essential to the seasons of growth ahead. And what we are shedding and discarding may take on new usefulness and form, just as it does in nature. The dropped leaves become fertilizer for the plants and the tree’s growth in seasons to come. The dropped acorns feed animals and become the seed of new generations of trees.

If the lead in your life is in the form of an old negative pattern of thought and behavior, it is possible to release and replace it. You may quit making excuses for it and enjoy the gold of new patterns that will move you ahead in the life you desire. If it takes the form of old clothing, papers, books or other possessions, you can donate or recycle them and others will benefit too.

As you proceed in your sorting, discarding and organizing, you will notice a renewed energy within you. You will open up some space for being, thinking and creating. New inspiration will come as well as new insight. It’s okay to miss what is missing, although I doubt that you will grieve long. You may feel the need for rest and renewal (just as nature does) while you appreciate the beauty and tune into the messages of what new gold your life requires.

Remembering

Posted on September 11, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

In preparing a post for this weekend, I confess to feeling some ambivalence. In light of the 10^th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the attempt that was foiled on Washington DC, writing about goals, successful living and positive psychology seem amiss. But writing about the terrorist events and all the losses involved is daunting too.

There no doubt will be many wiser and more inspiring words said. But as I have been thinking about it for the past week, one point popped out at me. We all got a graphic and horrifying reminder that life is unpredictable and we have very little control over events that occur. We don’t like to recognize how vulnerable we are.

That being said, it is also true that each of us has untapped potential, as well as unclaimed personal power. I’m not talking about aggression, which unfortunately often is confused with personal power. But rather I am thinking of the abilities, gifts and resilience that is a part of each person. When we accept ourselves and our responsibility to make the most of what we have, we are empowered.

And it seems to me that one of the messages of September 11 is that sometimes life is short, and that time is precious.

I believe that we have the responsibility to make the most of it. One thing that we can resolve from the experiences of September 11 is to commit to our continued growth and to take action that will express ourselves as the kind of human beings we intend to be. Maybe most of all, the message is to pay attention to where we are every day. Not to think of ourselves as some never ending rehabilitation project, but to be fully present, accepting and grateful.

We can notice and celebrate the most simple and beautiful and commonplace things that are a part of everyday life. Beauty surrounds us; we can see it, breathe it in and love it and know that we are a part of it. Love your life and treat it with the reverence and celebration that it deserves. That is the best memorial for September 11 that could be.

The Hurricane’s Gift, Or Best Laid Plans

Posted on August 28, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

It was certainly not the day that I had expected. And it was not the day that I had planned. But the day that I was given, delivered by a rainy and gusty hurricane, turned out to be the perfect day after all.

Very early this morning I was awakened by the power going off. Not really a sound, but a sudden lack of sound. All the humming of the household appliances, electronics and gadgets suddenly stopping. Since it was barely light, I went back to sleep. Later when I got up and dressed, I was wondering what would happen to the day that I had been looking forward to so much. The torrents of rain, which had been falling all night, seemed to be letting up. But the wind was ferocious at times, whipping at the branches in the oak trees outside my window.

A phone call confirmed that the plans that I had made with friends were cancelled because of the power outage. And as fiercely as the wind was blowing, there was no telling when it would be operational again. As it turned out, not until early evening.

There was a strange feeling that ensued. All the morning routines seem to involve electricity somehow. Coffee? I can’t imagine starting my day without it, but there was no way to brew it. I almost always turn on the radio to NPR first thing in the morning, but that was out. No way to check TV news for word on the hurricane or the damage it had left in its wake. Our power grid was part of the damage.

I have to confess that getting coffee was a priority. Perhaps a nearby Starbucks had electricity, and I was willing to take a car ride to find out. Cars and trucks were driving by, so I knew that conditions on the streets were at least safe enough to be passable. And sure enough, my “Jonesing” after a cup of Joe was soon enough taken care of. One caffeine fix later, the day stretched out before me.

The wind was blowing, and the oppressive humidity before the hurricane was gone. I sat in the silence of the house, listening to the branches and leaves moving in the wind. The curtains fluttered and the cool air was soothing.

My journal is a frequent companion to my early hours, but I had not written in it for a full week. Unusual, but understandable since I had had a week of one demand after another. A full work schedule, a family crisis, plus two houseguests, accompanied by Mudslide, the greyhound, had filled it up. I was busy, stressed and preoccupied with the events of the week. My houseguests went on their way. And now that I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but be with myself, I realized that I was extremely tired.

And so, after listening to the silence, I began to listen to myself and to write. As the day went on, and thoughts and questions continued to occur to me, I came back to write. I held the cat and watched the wind blow the trees around. I decided to read a couple of magazines that I subscribe to but often don’t get around to reading. Found an interesting article on intuition, which I have been thinking about lately.

And then I took a nap. I can’t remember when I last did that. For some reason I seem to have lost the ability to nap during the day. I used to nap routinely when my children were at home, especially when they were small, but not in recent years. The phone rang, but I let it go to voicemail, and went back to sleep.

After getting up and writing some more and reading more of the magazine, I heard that small “thud” that signals the return of power. For awhile I was reluctant to turn anything on, but finally the light at my desk because the daylight was fading. I walked around the house, noticing the flashing digital clocks and the hum of the refrigerator. And then after awhile I turned the computer on in order to write this post. But I have decided not to check my email, or Facebook or Twitter. I don’t feel the need to call anyone. The radio and television are still quiet, and I think I’m going to leave them that way until tomorrow.

There is something about the silence that is deeply restful. And something about living without the distraction of electronic screens that renders a sense of peace. Being disconnected from the world is a good thing, at least in small doses. I wonder what an extended vacation from electronics might offer.

I do know this: sometimes when the plans that we make are scuttled, and Mother Nature has shown her power (and her complete indifference to those plans) it is a good thing. The Quakers may say that this day was an example of Divine Order. I believe that it is.

Are You Playing A Role in Your Relationships?

Posted on August 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” e.e.cummings

It seems to me that one of the greatest challenges that we face in the process of adult growth and development is figuring out how to manage the roles that we play. And maybe more importantly, to recognize that we are MORE than the roles that we play and to grow beyond them.

Most of us play more than one role. We identify ourselves as son or daughter, mother or father, wife, husband, friend. And then we identify with the role of what we do: nurse, teacher, business owner, artist, carpenter, engineer or musician.

These roles provide a sort of behavioral structure in which we function, and also a kind of shorthand for our identity and a way of expressing a way in which others recognize us. What is the first question that people usually ask after meeting you? “What do you do?” A safe and easy way to open a conversation because most of us have our identity wrapped up in our occupations.

It wouldn’t occur to anyone to answer that question with, “Well, I meditated this morning, went fishing, played ball with my dog, shoveled the sidewalk, or weeded my garden, patched up a quarrel with my wife, comforted my sick neighbor, made the best soup of my life.” These are all “doing” activities after all. And they really may shed more light on our true identity than our occupation does.

In most family relationships we play roles that are more specialized than the general ones of father, mother, brother, sister. And we unconsciously continue to play out those roles in our adult relationships; even in the workplace. (Have you ever noticed how like a family a network of co-workers becomes?)

The most common role formations form a Victim Triangle of Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. It isn’t possible to have a Victim without the other two roles being a part of the equation. This pattern is all about struggling for power and control. Members of the relationship move around that triangle, creating drama and unhappiness.

The struggle of the Victim Triangle ranges from the subtle to the grossly obvious. Everyone will recognize the Triangle at work in cases of domestic violence or child abuse. It is obvious that someone is a Perpetrator (misusing power), that there is a Victim (one without power) and a Rescuer (one who saves the day, at least momentarily). What we often don’t recognize are the more subtle dramas that play out over and over again.
Here are some variations you may recognize and maybe even identify with. A boss or supervisor who micro-manages, criticizes and withholds praise or recognition, fails to offer incentives for success, has an attitude of “It’s my way or the highway!” and generally creates an atmosphere of fear and insecurity. An employee who hates his job but stays there year after year because he is convinced that there is nothing better out there and after all his pay and benefits are good. A parent of an adult child who keeps co-signing loans, offering bail-outs for a son who loses jobs or refuses to look for one because the “right one” hasn’t come along. And a husband who controls the money and a wife who silences herself and puts up with it even though she feels resentful and hurt. Notice that we don’t have to have broken bones, bruises or police intervention to live on the Victim Triangle!

Carl Jung taught that we develop personaes around the roles that we play, and that they come from an unmet need or trauma.
Webster defines personaes as the mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment and not representing the inner personality of the individual; the public personality. It is also a person’s perceived or evident personality, as that of a well-known official, actor, or celebrity; personal image; public role.

Often our awakening to the presence of this role playing or personaes comes in the wake of a personal or relationship crisis. Emotional pain, physical illness or a spiritual breakdown results after years of role playing, making it impossible to continue in the same old way. And when that happens, we have a choice to make: either stop, take a time out to explore our lives and ask what is going on; or plow ahead out of fear and continue to repeat the patterns over again.

It seems to me that we can get a repeated smack on the side of the head, play Victim and blame life circumstances in general, or other people specifically. To quote Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you?” Or we can choose to take courage in hand (because it DOES take courage to look in the mirror and not avert your gaze) and find help in asking and answering those vital questions that will unmask us and open up the possibilities of becoming more fully and richly human.

The choice is yours.

Coyote Inspiration: A Story of Resilience

Posted on August 12, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

I was fascinated by a story I heard on NPR one morningabout coyotes in urban centers. We usually think about coyotes being wily creatures found in the Wild West or in a cartoon world chasing the roadrunner. But they are being found in increasing numbers in cities such as New York City, Chicago and downtown Phoenix. It is estimated that there are about 2,000 in downtown Chicago, many in the Loop.

While most people are unaware of the presence of the coyotes, they are thriving on a diet of rats, mice, feral cats and goose eggs. I had to wonder how many goose eggs could they find? Coyote pups have a better survival rate in the city than they do in their native habitat. It is the coyote’s ability to hide within feet of passersby that enables it to adapt to a world of concrete and macadam.

When I was a kid, my family lived on a farm in southwest Kansas. We heard coyotes howl at night very frequently, and I came to love the sound, although I admit it gave me the chills. For awhile we had a flock of ducks which came our way from the high school carnival where they were won as prizes by town kids whose parents didn’t want any part of trying to keep them. They gave them to my dad who was a high school biology teacher.The flock of ducks gradually moved farther from the house and barn to the sand hills beyond the corral where there was a little water in a low spot after a rain. This relocation turned out to be their undoing. My dad found them one morning massacred by coyotes, which horrified me.

Nevertheless, I have always had a fondness for the scrappy, elusive and resourceful coyote. Years later I was surprised to hear them one night near my home in central Pennsylvania. I thought I must be homesick and imaging things, but they have made their way. And now to learn about them in urban centers is really interesting.

Positive psychology might do well to adopt the coyote as its mascot. Resilience is a mainstay of positive psychology. Resilience is defined as 1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed or stretched; elasticity; and 2. the ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity or the like; buoyancy.

Human beings who do best in the aftermath of disaster or some stressful event, are those who, like the coyote, can adapt to present circumstances by making use of their strengths and skills. Your skills and strengths don’t likely include running in fast, short bursts of speed, or jumping and snapping or using your claws. But they may include an ability to talk or write effectively. Or possibly organizing and turning chaos into order. And it’s possible that your strengths include having great stamina, or self discipline, or an ability to inspire others to cooperate. Maybe you have leadership skills or are highly reliable at following through.

Make a list of your own strengths and abilities that might be used in new situations or in new ways. If you have a hard time thinking of them, write down a list of strengths and abilities that you see in your heroes. Often we recognize qualities in great people, but those same qualities are in us…just not yet noticed or claimed. Ask someone you trust and respect what strengths and abilities they see in you and add them to your list.

These qualities are precious because if you are aware of them and take opportunities to develop and expand them, they become a part of your resilience. Your ability to not only survive the traumas of life, but to thrive in the aftermath.

Change Is Constant

Posted on August 1, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

These words from Carolyn Myss, PH.D. caught my eye this morning while reading her book, Anatomy of the Spirit: The Seven Stages of Power and Healing. “Consciousness is the ability to release the old and embrace the new with the awareness that all things end at the appropriate time and that all things begin at the appropriate time. This truth is difficult to learn to live with because human beings seek stability – the absence of change. Therefore becoming conscious means living fully in the present moment, knowing that no situation or person will be exactly the same tomorrow. As change does occur, we work to interpret it as a natural part of life and strive to “flow with it,” as the Tao Te Ching counsels, and not against it. Trying to make things remain the same is useless as well as impossible.”
Wise words that point the way to something that is simple, but certainly not easy!