A Secret to Attraction

Posted on February 6, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people
live in a hostile world. Same world.”
~Wayne Dyer~

Remember that old adage “In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend?” Well, like a lot of those old adages there is a level of truth in it that may not be obvious at first blush.

I was listening to someone telling me yesterday that she didn’t have anyone in her network that she could turn to for support and comfort. She was in dire straits and really needed it too.

Seems that she had some superficial friendships at work, but she didn’t trust anyone enough to tell them what was really going on. She had been burned in the past and wasn’t taking any chances.

Later another person was telling me that she didn’t have a life partner because there aren’t any good men out there. Now I would love to have a dollar for every time I’ve been told that by both women and men!

How do you suppose it is that some people have a great network of friends? And some have spouses with reasonably happy relationships? Are they just lucky? Is it because they are beautiful or handsome, have money or drive just the right car?

Ad companies would have us believe that. But it just ain’t so.

No doubt it has something to do with where you go and who you see. After all, no one is going to come knocking on your door and beg you to come out with them.

But I think it has more to do with who you are. This is where attraction comes in. For years the developments in the field of quantum physics has been revealing the principles of attraction that are naturally at work in everyday life. Essentially it means that we are creating the lives we have by attracting the elements to us.

Think of it like a big old magnet inside of you. You are magnetically drawing toward you what you need and desire in your life. But the secret to it is that the magnet matches who you really are. Our thoughts, beliefs and emotions vibrate at a particular frequency. We “broadcast” or emit that frequency and receive at the same frequency. If you have poor self esteem and pity yourself for all you lack, you can’t help but be receiving people into your life who vibrate at that same frequency.

So it does no good to wish for a mate who is reliable and honest if you are flighty and play loose with the truth. Or if you want someone is who trustworthy if you are not. Whatever you have on your list you need to BE. If you want a friend or mate with certain values, you need to live those values yourself.

While opposites in temperament sometimes do attract, generally speaking, successful people are drawn to other successful people. People who are kind and compassionate are generally drawn to similar people.

So after you make that list of qualities you desire in a relationship, check yourself out to see how you would fit the bill. What will it feel like to BE that yourself? When you can own that fully, and feel that fully, you will see that person you attracted coming your way.

Adding Value to Life

Posted on January 16, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about. After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared. So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it. And he’s complaining a lot.

Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story. Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.

It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago. It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food. What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude. Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned. His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed. He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.

Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted. It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job. I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times. I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.

Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs. After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist. She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning. She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet. She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.

Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time. She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along. She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them. On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.

She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them. I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers. I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.

When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends? I know I do. And I feel happy about sending them more business.

When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people? When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand? There are at least three good reasons to do that.

You will be of much greater service to others. Your employer or the organization is going to profit from your focus and positive work ethic. Even if it is not the ultimate goal of your lifetime, it will more likely lead to recognition, good networking and eventually a next step in the right direction for your life.
You are going to benefit because a positive attitude is energizing and promotes good mental and physical health. When you are going out of your way to learn new things, perform more efficiently and support and help others, you are much happier in general. Moving forward is so much easier in this way than when you are resentful or fearful that you aren’t doing what you hoped you would be.
We tend to attract the same qualities that we are “putting out there.” So if you are feeling negative, you convey that to everyone around you whether you try to cover it up or not. Your unconscious mind is communicating with every other unconscious mind around you, and the results or feedback (or paycheck or tip) that you get reflects it. If people are giving you wide berth, you might ask yourself why and listen for an honest answer.

When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have. No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in. Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams. If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now! No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place. I urge you to do so.

Quotes to Live By

Posted on December 26, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of
intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends; to
appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to
leave the world a bit better, whether by a
healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed
social condition; to know even one life has
breathed easier because you have lived. This is
to have succeeded.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose Life

Posted on October 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive,
and go do it. Because what the world needs is people
who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman~

Candace was in my office last week, talking about her job and whether she should apply for a new position that had been posted. She was unsure that she qualified and whether she had a chance since she was just promoted a year ago. She would like the pay increase and the title would look good on her resume, but wasn’t sure that she would actually enjoy the tasks of the new position or the people she would be working with.

Candace is a young woman with a strong work ethic who complains about her job a lot. But she does like most of her co-workers, the tasks she does in her present job, and the reliability of working for a large public agency. Some of her co-workers have been there for 30 years. She is comfortable there and knows what to expect.

After a bit of considering what she would have to lose by applying for the promotion (nothing really), I asked her what she imagines she might be doing in 5 years, or 10 years. Could she see herself there 25 years down the road? She was silent as she considered my question. Finally she replied that she really had no idea.

So I will ask you, the reader, the same question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 years? What are the chances that you will be loving your life and what you are doing with it?

If we think about this at all, we often see it within the framework of a career or job. That’s fine, but expand the frame a bit to consider all aspects of your life. And then ask a second question: what brings you to life? What is it that enlivens you? Do you see yourself doing more of what brings you to life in your future? This is important because the questions and answers will make all the difference in the quality of your life.

Happy people tend to be involved in doing what they feel passionate about. They spend a good bit of time pursuing something that matters to them or has meaning to them. And passionate people tend to live longer, healthier lives.

This does not always necessarily correlate to your job or career, but even better if it does. Wouldn’t it be great to be one of those people who say they are so lucky to be paid for what they love to do? Or to be so passionate about what you are doing that getting a paycheck is icing on the cake?

However some may express and explore their passions through a hobby or through education that may or may not lead to a career change. Perhaps learning more about what intrigues you and teaching or telling others about it expresses your passion. You may also volunteer in a position that allows you to express your passion.

If you don’t already know, how can you discover your passion? Here are some things to consider. Write down your observations of the following:

Focus on what you appreciate in yourself, in others and in life in general.
Recall a time or experience when you felt happy. Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your environment?
What are you doing when you feel energized?
When do you feel most alert, aware or engaged?
The last time you were telling someone something that you were enthusiastic about, what was it?
Complete this exercise in your journal: If you were to wake up some morning, and by some miracle, everything in your life was just as you would want it to be, how would it be? Describe everything in detail and don’t leave anything out. What are you feeling as you write this?
What are your core values? What is most important to you?

Because the questions are such important ones, I encourage you to dedicate some time and attention to exploring them. The quality of your life depends on it. If you choose to live intentionally, and I hope that you do, thinking about them and discussing your insights with others will be helpful and stimulating.

For further help, you may want to buy a book called The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. Interesting and fun to use, it is thought-provoking and will shed more light on your quest for self-understanding and a richer life.

Clearing Out For Life Success

Posted on September 14, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Do you consider yourself to be a student of life success? Whether you have thought of yourself in exactly those terms, I suspect you are or you likely wouldn’t be reading this. And if you are not yet training for success, I suggest you get started right away.

In clearing out files and shelves in my office, I came across some coaching material that I used several years ago. As I read through it along with my notes, I felt some enthusiasm for an early step in developing life success strategies. And that is to clear out the obstacles that are in your path, as well as remnants of the past and those things that clutter both your living space and your mind.

Let’s suppose that you have done some preliminary work of determining for yourself exactly what success would look like, feel like, be like in your own life. That such a definition should fit you perfectly is vitally important. How you define success will not be the same for your father or mother, your best friend, People Magazine or Donald Trump. You need to come up with your own very clear picture or list.

Let’s further suppose that you have made an assessment of what you need in order to proceed. You need to pack your own parachute, to borrow a phrase from the 1970’s. Do you need to take a course in order to be prepared? Are you in need of some research? You need to know at least what your starting point will be and what you are going to need. You may even be able to see what the first few steps will be.

Very soon you will encounter some resistance within yourself that may come up in the form of excuses, or fear that you will fail (or succeed!) Or you may be puzzled or frustrated by your procrastination. Or you may discover that some old unfinished business really has to be completed before you can proceed.

This clearing out can take many forms. So consider how to declutter the following:

Unfinished projects, both large and small. If there is something laying around (or stuffed into a closet) that is your last great idea, either finish it now, delegate it to someone else who will enjoy doing it and be good at it, or pitch it out. Even if it was a great idea, it has no value and will hamper your progress laying there as a reminder of what you didn’t get done.
Items that you have not used during the past 6 months. If these things have value to someone else you can sell them or donate them or give them to someone you know will appreciate them. If not, pitch them out.
Is there some physical checkup that you have not had done? Is there a follow-up that you didn’t tend to? Have you been to the dentist lately? Were you intending to make some dietary change that you have avoided? Do you need to make an appointment with a trainer in order to meet an old fitness goal? Or is it time to finally call the acupuncturist for help with your back pain? Now is the time to put those routines or checks in place.
Do you have some untended relationship to care for? How about that person you have said “Let’s get together for dinner sometime?” Now is the time. What about the thank you note you haven’t written? Don’t worry…there is no statute of limitation on gratitude. Is there some conflict that you walked away from that really needs to be addressed? Do you need to make amends for something you said or did or neglected?
Is there someone that you need to forgive? Perhaps even yourself? Have you wasted time and energy looking into the rear view mirror feeling resentful and victimized? Unresolved grief, anger and resentment form the heaviest rocks that you carry in your backpack. For your own health, you must unload them! Forgiveness is something that we do for our own sake, and if you don’t do this work, you really won’t get very far with your new life intentions. Get help if you need it.
A financial inventory will tell you if there is anything that needs to be cleared up here. Those who practice abundance principles say, “Money is energy.” Really in quantum terms, everything is energy in some form or other. Is your money/energy in short supply? Do you owe anyone money? Have you accumulated debt? Do you know where your money is going every month (aka budget)? Do you have a plan for your money (aka budget)? Do you contribute money to causes you care about? Are you saving money? Are you investing it?

Does your self image match up with your picture of a successful life? A quick inventory of beliefs that you learned from your “tribe,” especially as it pertains to your goals, may reveal some conflicts. The person, whose life success strategies include starting his own business in mid-life, will have some contrary beliefs if he grew up in a family that valued “security” by working for the same company for 30 years.

As you can see, there are many types of unused or unfinished things that clutter our lives. From the physical objects that are collecting dust in your rooms, to unfinished or outdated emotional business that distracts and preoccupies you, we must tend to clearing them away as we proceed. You would be correct in thinking that this work is not once and done. You will come back to it repeatedly just as surely as your kitchen or bathroom needs to be cleaned periodically. The important thing is to assess what needs to be tended to, and to begin at once. Don’t delay. Your successful life depends on it!

maine coastline

The Mysteries of Manifesting

Posted on June 15, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“You’ll see it when you believe it.” ~Wayne Dyer~

Those who know me well know that I am a big fan of Wayne Dyer. His books have been an important part of my personal growth and development, and I frequently recommend them to clients and friends as well. If you look down at the Amazon widget, you will find one of my favorites, The Power of Intention.

From the days of his earliest writing he was a proponent of assertive behavior; of standing up for yourself, accepting responsibility for your own emotional reactions and action. Dyer is all about living from a position of personal power and responsibility rather than slipping into victimization and powerlessness.

In time his writing addressed clarifying intentions and how to manifest those intentions. In other words, bringing an idea or desire into concrete reality. There are 9 Steps to Manifestation:

Live from your highest self. “I have a divine ability to manifest and attract all that I need and desire.”
Learn to trust your divine inner wisdom. “I trust in myself and in the wisdom that created me.”
Honor your worthiness to receive. “I deserve to experience divine abundance, for I am a part of God.”
Realize that you are not separate from your environment. “I am one with my surroundings, aware of the connective energy between me and my world.”
Attract to yourself what you desire. “The divine creative power within me brings to me all that I want with happiness, love, and peace.”
Connect to your divinity with Unconditional Love. “I express the energy of unconditional love to all people and all things in my life.”
Detach from the Outcome. “I trust in the universal intelligence that created me to bring my desires to me in just the right way at the perfect time.”
Acknowledge your results with gratitude and generosity. “I am deeply thankful for all that I’ve received, and I enjoy giving to others in the spirit of love and service.”
Meditate to the sound of creation. “I meditate each day to increase my awareness of the divine power within me. Through meditation, I am able to realize the beauty, grace and love that direct my life and fulfill my deepest desires.”

You may agree with me that this is all good stuff. And on some days, especially, a very tall order. I really like the concept of living from power and responsibility. And it makes sense to me that whatever results we experience we have brought into being (or manifested). Working with these principles in an intentional and thoughtful way often runs counter to the prevalent culture, and is usually NOT how most of us were taught to operate.

It is much easier to play small. To hide our lights under the bushel, so to speak. To resort to old patterns of conditioning, to be fearful and negative and to blame whoever is handy for our lot in life. All of which is bound to manifest results that are opposite of our desires for a full, bountiful, lovely life.

This week I was fantasizing about having a conversation with Wayne. You know, walking on the beach in Hawaii as the warm breezes waft over us and the ocean waves provide a soothing backdrop to our talking. I would ask him how to cope, or what to do on those seemingly long stretches between strengthening our intentions and realizing our manifestations. Sometimes he makes this sound easy, and I think it is more like a hike in the desert (okay, so I’m whining a little).

I have been noticing (much to my consternation) that the space between letting go of something from the “old order” and manifesting the “new order,” is really nerve wracking! If you have gone through a big life transition, you know what I am talking about. For instance, deciding that you are going to follow your dreams and relocate across the country (or to a new one). Or that your years of preparation to be a dentist were a big mistake and you want to open a micro brewery instead.

He is fond of saying that we need to release our hold on old fears and negative thoughts that limit our possibilities. I must say from my own experience that just the intention to release something, while not magical, seems to be so in that it is a very powerful catalyst for changing something that seems to be absolutely stuck in you.

Since I am not likely to manifest my fantasy of the walk on the beach with Wayne, this is my take-away from our imaginary talk. I can choose to keep the faith. After all I don’t have a better idea. And to practice the steps; to be resolute in putting one foot in front of the other. To quote him again, “Our intentions create our reality.” And our actions, in alignment with those intentions, are the glue that holds it all together. You can quote me on that.

Photo from www.freefoto.com

Where Are You Going?

Posted on June 13, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are,
but in what direction we are moving.”
~Oliver Wendell Holmes~

Are you familiar with the concept of “Becoming?” It is a term which was brought to the world by Carl Rogers, a pioneer of the Humanistic psychology movement. I have always liked it because it implies a truth that seems evident, and that is that as human beings we never really arrive at some great destination. Instead we always seem to be on a continuing pattern of growth.

That’s not to say that we don’t have mountain top experiences. And by that I mean the moments when some important goal is realized. Or we are in the right place at the right time with the right mind set to experience something life altering. I don’t believe these events are accidental. But rather the result of preparation meeting opportunity.

There is some alchemy involved; the mysterious and seemingly magical process of turning lead into gold and finding an elixir of life. You probably can recall such moments in your own life when it seemed that things just came together and you were able to recognize that something you were wishing for and working toward finally came together.

In order to reach these benchmarks in our process of Becoming, these are the elements which we need to have in play:

A clear sense of direction. We must know what our values and priorities are. And we must have an idea of what we desire in our life, and in what direction we need to move in order to get there.
A willingness to dream and to invest some time and attention to understand your deeper yearnings and to treat them with respect. This often unconscious part of you is where your powerhouse of ideas and energy reside. You need to harness it in order to succeed. To ignore it is like trying to swim upstream through molasses.
A commitment to take small and regular steps toward those dreams. And when life intervenes (as it will!) and you get distracted and sometimes totally derailed from where you were going (and you will!), to assess the situation, get a new reading on your compass and then get moving again.
Do what I call “Caring for your base camp.” Which means to take care of your basic needs in a holistic way; body, mind and spirit. This includes getting proper sleep, nutrition, daily order of your living space, tending to your finances, taking care of the relationships with the people you love, doing whatever feeds your spiritual needs. You can’t possibly have the energy you need to do the necessary work unless your base camp is well established and tended every day.
Find a mentor or teacher or coach who can offer guidance, support and an example to live by. Choose this person well. You can set your direction much more easily, as well as learn by observing and discussing the particulars of what you are undertaking. There is no substitute for learning from the successes and failures of others who can encourage and teach you.
Be open to feedback and willing to change your plans when you need to. Your own experiences are valid, and even when things seem to be going terribly wrong, there is great benefit in paying attention, asking yourself what you can learn from this. Yes, you will have to deal with your emotions and reactions. But don’t make the mistake of getting stuck in blaming anyone else and resenting them. Winners take full responsibility for everything that happens to them. And this is the key to the secret of being able to move forward.

Photo by Dave Hamilton