“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come
when life seems most challenging.”
~Joseph Campbell~

Being a fan of Positive Psychology, and by nature generally an optimist, there are times when hanging onto that frame of reference is a challenge.  Maybe you can relate.  No matter who you are or what your living circumstances may be, there are times when life is hard. 

Stressful events occur to everyone, and no one is exempt from emotional stresses that are caused by limiting beliefs that bring on our misery until we overcome them.  Although we plan for happy events and work on changing and rearranging and pursuing happiness, we still must deal with fears, loss, grief, disappointment and the anger that goes with it.

Since this is unavoidable, what on earth can you do about it?  It seems to me that there are a couple of alternatives.

One is to identify with what is wrong, get into feeling self-pity, seeing and presenting yourself as a Victim.  This may seem perfectly reasonable.  After all, a person whose house has been ripped away in a tornado suffers a loss and trauma that he could not have caused or avoided.  Or a person walking home from work who gets mugged did nothing to ask for it.

There is and should be a period of grief, complete with shock and the full range of emotions that go with it:  fear, hurt, anger and sadness to name a few.  It’s hard to function normally during that time and we need a lot of support and help to get through it.

The problem occurs when we don’t bounce back from it.  This can happen when the trauma has been repeated and severe, as in abusive relationships and on the battlefield.  It also happens when we have learned messages from our family that life is a trial and that we should expect that bad things are waiting around every corner.  Professional treatment is going to make all the difference.  Find a qualified therapist and don’t waste any time getting the help that you need.

The second alternative response to going through a hard time is two-fold.  Take full responsibility for what is going on in your life.  This is NOT the same thing as blaming yourself!  What I mean by accepting full responsibility is to recognize that this is the life you have been given and the life that you have helped create.  You are not a victim of fate.  Being human, you have a wide range of strengths and weaknesses which you can either face or utilize or not.

Without getting caught up in an intellectual debate, believe that every person, every experience that comes into your life is here to teach you something that you need to know in order to be a fully developed human being.  I have adopted Gary Zukav’s (Seat of the Soul) model that the purpose of all life experiences is to develop emotionally and spiritually.  And that here in “Earth School.” as he calls it, our job is to make use of everything that we do and that happens to us.

If you are stuck in a self-defeating pattern of behaviors or emotions, and if you dig a little, you will likely discover that seeing yourself as a Victim is at the bottom of it.  No wonder we get stuck!  A Victim Mentality, in energetic terms, is the lowest possible vibration level that there is! 

A key to escape this trap and to move into a framework that is much more energizing and productive is to ask yourself this question:  “What am I supposed to learn from this?”  Take time to explore what comes up.  This does take courage because as we accept responsibility we will look at what part we might be playing in what is going on.  Staying in Victimhood allows us to blame someone or something else. 

And as we ask that question and listen for the answers, we will begin to see what action we can take that will lead to lasting change and arm us with new skills and strength and resilience to face the next life challenge that comes our way.

http://tinyurl.com/yeh2fwj

“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight
of the shore for a very long time.”
~Andre Gide~

The recent anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic brought with it many interesting and heart-wrenching stories of that fateful night 100 years ago.  As I listened to some of them, I was trying to imagine the experiences of the passengers and crew.  Although the ship was commonly called “unsinkable,” that proved to be tragically untrue.  And even though it was widely believed to be, taking a sea voyage from the UK to New York took a fair amount of faith and courage.

Most of us do not make literal sea voyages.  However we sometimes do make vast life changes that have some things in common with leaving familiar surroundings and heading off into the unknown.  We usually have researched our options, asked and answered lots of questions, figured out the finances and packed our bags.  But actually making the move still comes down to a leap of faith.

There’s nothing comfortable about it.  Although there are some folks who seem to love the adrenaline rush of taking big risks, most would prefer the comfort of our routines and familiar landscapes.  Even if we are bored or unhappy, staying put is certainly safer, and the future seems more predictable.

Do you settle for less than what your heart desires?  If your family motto was Play It Safe or Don’t Expect Much or Color Inside the Lines, you may be inclined to do just that.  But think again.  It is our experiences, especially those associated with strong emotion, which develop our brains, instruct our lives and ultimately determine our development.

Yes it’s true that there are risks involved.  You may feel scared at times, and there will probably be some bumps, bruises and failures along the way.  At the very least you will at some point wonder what on earth possessed you to leave your safe little nest.  And you will most likely have to endure being thought stupid or told that you are by some well-meaning person.  If the change you are making is truly adventurous, you are going to get some disapproval by your family or friends who would rather die than follow the path you are taking.

On the other hand, we often admire risk takers and those bold adventurers who conquer new worlds.  The travels of Lewis and Clark come to mind, for instance.  Can you imagine embarking on an expedition where you have no idea what you are going to find?  “Hubble,” the movie that documented the repairs made to the space telescope, was beautiful, gripping and inspiring.  It showed the efforts of the astronauts who risked everything.

If you are not one to push such limits, how can you in your own way move forward to new life experiences that will expand your mind and spirit and or strengthen your body?  Is there a way to increase your willingness to “lose sight of the shore” of what is familiar and well-worn?  Yes there are risks, but the benefits are far greater.

In Evolve Your Brain: The Science of Changing Your Mind by Joe Dispenza, D.C., he points out that new experiences are the way to a better brain and a better life.  Interestingly, this will benefit not only you, but your descendents and the human race as a whole.  So if something is calling to you, perhaps a new relationship, or a new adventure that you have been seeing only in your dreams, take heed.  Maybe it’s time to pack your bag.

Last evening I was listening to a friend who is feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted by the increasing demands on her time and attention in caring for her father.  He is still living in his home and is experiencing increasing problems due to a long-term chronic lung condition.  My friend is an only child and now that her step-mother is deceased, is really the only living relative to care for her dad.

She has a routine schedule for visiting him and doing the household tasks that he is no longer able to do.  Grocery shopping, cleaning, meal preparation and laundry are taking up more of her time, as well as driving him to medical appointments.  Recently she has noticed that he is bathing and changing his clothes less often because of his breathing problems.

Some friends have invited her to an annual trip to the beach, but she is doubtful that she should go out of concern for her dad.  Will he be safe on his own?  Would he be able to get help if he had an attack?  His mind is clear, but he has been unwilling to ask for help or accept help from anyone other than his daughter.  He has always been a proud, independent man and he has objected to her suggestions that he hire a housekeeper for instance.

After some brain storming with a group of friends, this is what we came up with:

• Contact the Area Agency on Aging, a federally funded program that serves the needs of the elderly, the disabled and their caregivers  assisting them to age in place, or stay in their own homes as long as possible.  With an intake, my friend and her father can get a list of services he qualifies for, information about approved agencies and what any costs may be.
• Since my friend has medical and legal power of attorney, and permission to speak with her dad’s physician, she will make an appointment to discuss her concerns about his increasing difficulties as he does activities of daily living, and see what the doctor recommends and might authorize as medical support through Medicare.
• Get an electronic alert device for her dad to wear so that he can press a button and get immediate help in case he falls or has a breathing crisis when he is alone.  The agency that provides service for the device will check to see if an ambulance needs to be called, and will also call his daughter.
• Talk with her dad and explain that getting help with the household will not only benefit him, but her as well.  If he is reluctant to have someone come in to clean and do laundry, he will likely accept it more readily in order to help her out.  She thinks that he may accept more help if it means that he can stay in his own house, which is very important to him.  She will need to be very assertive and direct about her own exhaustion and need for relief from the workload of maintaining her household as well as his, and maintain her work at her job.  Hopefully the doctor will support her in laying out the options for her dad.
• My friend needs to schedule regular time off for herself.  She agreed to take advantage of a yoga class that she can access with her gym membership.  Getting exercise, practicing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and meditation will give her some stress relief and help her maintain her own health.  After all, if she collapses and gets sick, both of them will be in trouble.  She also admitted that she is like her father in being the stalwart martyr and not asking for help and support when she needs it.  She made a pact with her circle of friends to call them when she wants company or needs to vent or have an afternoon doing something fun.  I have a feeling that they are going to hold her to it.

I was thinking of the frequently used quote by Hillary Clinton, who said that it takes a village to raise a child.  Often it is also true that caring for the elderly takes a village, and that establishing that village is a life saver for the caregivers.

http://www.hypnosisnetwork.com/hypnosis/stress_anxiety.php

Black Eyed Susans

“Forgiveness is the great ‘yes.’  It is a decision in the sense that you have to
will it.  You have to choose life.  A person can choose death by not forgiving,
So there is a sense in which you can destroy yourself by not saying ‘yes’
to the reality that actually exists.  That’s the choice, ‘yes’ or ‘no’
to what truly exists.”
~Thomas Hopko

“The highest quality that a human being can reach is to be independent of the good opinion of others.”
~ Abraham Maslow, Self Actualization Psychology ~

Many of us, women in particular, have been trained throughout life to be pleasing to other people.  If these attempts to please others isn’t taken to an extreme, or done at the expense of oneself, it may not pose a problem.  Making efforts to be polite and kind is generally appreciated and in some quarters, seems to be a dying art.

However, people pleasing is often way out of bounds in terms of being good for everyone involved, and when it comes to designing and building your new life, it can be a big problem.  Consider Nichole who at 48 was hoping to begin a home based business of her own.  She knew that she had the technical skills to succeed because she had learned them on the job where she had been praised and promoted for her effectiveness.  She had met with a volunteer from a senior business advisory organization to go over her business plan, and she had discussed the setup of her bookkeeping system with her own CPA to make sure it was going to be effective. 

She was proceeding along nicely until she had a conversation with her mother about her dream.  She shouldn’t have been entirely surprised by her mother’s vehement protest.  Her parents had both worked at the same jobs for almost their entire working lives, and had long preached the importance of sticking to what was secure and saving money for a rainy day.  Her mother was genuinely alarmed and vehement in her response to Nichol’s news.  This was not the conservative, tried and true approach to financial stability that her parents understood.

Even her brother pointed out that maybe their concerns were well founded.  After all, a high percentage of new business start-ups fail in the first year.  What about the possible effects on her family’s security?  Weren’t her kids still going to college?  And didn’t she really like the job she had?  He hated to say it, but he thought that taking such a risk was kind of stupid. 

Nichol was disappointed in these reactions because she preferred that her family be behind her 100%.  She had put off talking about it with them because her mother was a strong personality and when she was unhappy with someone, there was no doubt about her opinions and feelings.  Nichol had spent most of her life pleasing her mother and father. She talked all this over with her business advisor, her best friend and with Mark, her husband.

 He pointed out to her that at one point in her life, she would have immediately scuttled her plans over her parent’s protests, even though she would have been unhappy about it.  Yes, there were some risks, but he was willing to support her in moving ahead according to the plans she had made.  The kids were old enough to pitch in to help more while her working hours were extended, and he would make sure that they did.

Nichol made what was a sometimes uncomfortable decision to move toward her dream as opposed to giving it up to please her parents.  It wasn’t that she was uncaring about how they felt; she was learning to live independent of the good opinion of others!

There is real emotional freedom in this.  I think of the process as “Good Girl Recovery.”  Maybe the masculine version for people pleasing would be “Atta Boy Recovery.”  Feeling dependent on having the love and approval of virtually everyone you know is truly crippling and is bound to make you miserable.  As Albert Ellis suggested, you would do well to choose a more rational alternative such as, “Having the approval of other people is not necessary for my happiness.”  Or to go even a step further, Wayne Dyer was fond of saying, “It is none of my business what other people think of me!”

“Pray and move your feet.”
~Quaker saying~

No doubt it’s a function of my age and the generation I am a part of, that I have been thinking a lot lately about a challenge that many Baby Boomers are facing.  We are called the “Sandwich Generation” because many of us are still supporting and launching our children into adult life while at the same time taking on responsibilities for supporting and caring for our aging parents.

Just as my siblings and I are more intensively involved in caring for our 93 year old mother, who has been able to remain living in her home, I am hearing from friends and clients that they are also occupied with the various tasks of care giving.  The practical day-to-day aspects of keeping an elderly person healthy and safe mean a lot of decision making.  And in addition, the emotional challenges of this huge task have to be handled too.

As I thought about all this it occurred to me that it is a new category for the blog that I would like to address.  Care giving certainly constitutes a life change, although not necessarily one that we chose or even anticipated.  How we handle the challenges can be a learning experience in more ways than one.  And as in any other life stage, the choices we make will either contribute to our growth and maturity or if we choose to avoid and ignore it, we will deal with the consequences of that too.   

While I have not done a formal survey, here are some of the issues and questions that have come from my own experience as well as those of others:

• How do you handle the role reversal of now being the adult to an aging parent who is less capable and more vulnerable?
• What do you do about the legal and medical complexities of an elder’s care?
• What do you do about old sibling conflicts that arise during this process?
• How do you cope if your siblings refuse to help or get involved?
• How can you cope with the increased burden of care as your time, energy and financial resources may be impacted?
• How can you support your parent as they deal with this change when it means less independence and possibly worsening health conditions?  And how can you get support in coping with the stresses of change for yourself?
• Where can you find reliable and high quality help for everything from solid legal, financial and medical advice to home health aides or nursing care?
• Is it possible to keep care giving from taking over your entire life?
• How can I take care of my parent and still stay healthy myself?
• How can I set healthy boundaries for myself and not look like an unfeeling jerk?  My parent can be demanding or the situation is demanding in itself, and I’m afraid of being swallowed up.
• How do I deal with age-old conflicts that may come up as I care for my aging parent?  He or she wasn’t the ideal parent and I still have issues with some of the things that happened when I was growing up!
• This experience is making me think about my own aging and health and I’m feeling scared about my own vulnerabilities.   
• I’m feeling scared and sad about my parent’s condition and eventual death.

This is not an exhaustive list, but one that will give us lots to explore and ponder.  As with any category or topic of the blog, I hope to shed some light on the questions and provide some resources and tools for you to consider.  I would love to hear any additional questions or comments that you would like to have addressed.  And please leave your comments about your own experiences so that we may all benefit.

“Each day offers us the gift of being a special occasion if we can
simply learn that as well as giving, it is blessed to receive
with grace and a grateful heart.”
~Sarah Ban Breathnach~

This year spring has come early, and in my neck of the woods we have seen it in all its wild variability.  On St. Patrick’s Day I was startled to see people walking around in shorts and flip-flops, usual attire for June.    And then two weeks later it was feeling like March again, blustery and chilly with frost warnings at night.  By that time the warm days had prompted the fruit trees and early flowers to pop open, and the geese to fly north.

On the human front I notice that many of my therapy and coaching clients are expressing  distress at their life circumstances, feeling anxious and out of sorts.  There is some urgency for changing something and it seems that we feel it emotionally, spiritually and physically.  This makes some sense to me in that even though we forget this, we are living in the natural world and subject to nature’s seasonal changes.

In Eastern medicine, the element that represents spring is Wood.  It is a time of energetic growth, and just as the shoots push upward and outward from the ground and from the tree branches, it pushes through us.  The deep dormancy of winter has come to an end and ready or not, we are pushed out of the season of contemplation.

I was listening to a client I have known for a short time who is making some difficult decisions about her marriage which one way or the other will have a big impact on her life.  She has been having trouble sleeping and eating and concentrating because of the stress of her situation.

Her situation is unique to her.  And yet there are elements of it that are familiar to me and probably to you too.  Most of us have been faced with some emotional dilemma or loss, either our own or of someone we love. We have been at a crossroads in life where the decision we make will have life altering consequences.  And we probably lost sleep over it or felt anxious and nearly undone.

How do we get through?  Most of the time we do.  I am continually amazed at the resiliency of the human spirit.   I am privileged to hear stories from clients nearly every day that remind me of this.  Challenges and hardships that seem insurmountable are somehow overcome.  Wounds heal and new strength and new skills are gained.

I don’t know about you but I count this as grace.  In other words, we are given what we need to survive and eventually thrive again.  Not because we are so clever or are managing everything in tip top form.  And not because we necessarily deserve it, as in the world owes it to us because we have “paid our dues.”

This grace may come in the form of human kindness from someone you may have not expected to offer it.  Or maybe help before you even asked for it.  Or some seemingly serendipitous happening that seems logically not connected with your efforts.

Sometimes it may be in noticing after an exhausting day that your night’s sleep has been restorative and you wake up in the morning feeling better than you had hoped.  Or when your body begins to recover when you’ve been hurt or wretchedly sick.

Thomas Moore writes in Dark Nights of the Soul that these times are rich with possibility if we are willing to mine the depths and tolerate not knowing.  The common things of daily life, if we pay observant attention to them, can provide the nurturance and relief that we badly need.  Time for silence, a cup of tea, gazing at a flower or petting the cat and appreciating the healing power of grace will get you through.  It truly is amazing.

“Health, south wind, books, old trees, a boat, a friend.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

 Lately I’ve been thinking about what makes for a good life.  I like those tee shirts and bumper stickers that say “Life is good.”  Sometimes when I see them I am brought up short, sort of startled out of some preoccupation or other with what I need to get done or haven’t gotten done yet.  If you are like me, sometimes life seems like a never ending to do list.

Our time is consumed with little mundane tasks or small steps to big goals, and once in awhile a pedal-to-the-metal burst of hard work to meet a deadline.  Since I am in the business of helping people who generally need and want to change something essential, or to come to terms with some change in life that has changed them, goals and meeting them is ever present for me.  Or nearly so.

I guess what has brought this into focus is my mom.  At 93, she has dementia as well as a physical disability that has left her dependent on her children and a live-in caregiver for every day functions. Seeing her, caring for her and making decisions on her behalf has been touching, sad, funny and difficult and challenging by turns.

Some evenings as I leave her I feel distressed and upset at my helplessness to change the conditions of her life.  Other times I am more settled and philosophical about the mysteries of how we live our lives and come to the end as we do.  And inevitably, it has brought up an awareness of my own life choices, where I am at this point and the unknowns of my own future.

Most days I can accept that we humans have very little direct control of life.  We can plan, we can be active in doing what we think will prepare us for certain eventualities.  We can make a game plan after sorting out new directions at various junctures in life.  All of that is important.  And it makes a huge difference in the quality of life to be a conscious creator rather than a piece of driftwood being tossed along where ever the current takes us.

But what I became aware of is the importance of being mindful as we go along.  Deciding what it is that we value the most.  And then making sure that our schedule reflects what we say is most important.  You know that old adage about the man lying on his death bed is never wishing he had spent more time at the office?  If you would say that your relationships are the most important thing in your life, and then were to add up the hours in a week or month that you spend feeding those relationships, would your declaration be believable?  What you say is important should be congruent with your behavior, or you have a big disconnect going on.

And it’s important to be paying attention to life as you are living it.  What does that mean?  I think it means taking time every day and every week to stop, reflect, and really observe what is going on.  To be in nature and smell the flowers, feel your body as you walk along.  Do something with a friend that is outside your routine.  Go see something that is off your beaten path and open yourself to the wonder of life.  I never fail to be amazed at people’s creativity, and even more so, nature’s creations.  To be filled with awe is to be filled with spirit.  You know that you are alive.  This is living!

Take time for silence.  Invite inspiration to come and make it welcome by allowing space for it.  Rest and relax.  Soon you can return to working.  There is certainly an important place for that.  But at the end of the day, or the end of a life, be sure that you have remembered to live.

“Let the beauty of what we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
~Rumi~

When I was inspired to write this blog post, I have to confess to feeling a tad irritated.  It is a topic that has been popping up in my awareness with increasing frequency, so I must say that it has certainly gotten my attention and I am ready for it to quit taking up so much space in my head.

The other day in a restaurant I was seated across the aisle from a young mother and her daughter. From the time they sat down until they had finished their meal and left, the woman was talking on her cell phone. Her conversation with whoever was on the other end was only interrupted periodically by orders given to her daughter to eat or not to spill her food and to sit still.  I don’t know how she could have been aware of her own meal, and she certainly missed an opportunity to have a conversation with her daughter.  I wondered what unintentional messages that girl was getting from her mother regarding her own importance or lack of it.

We are so bombarded by stimulation from the myriad of our electronic devices that we are not fully aware of how distracted and stressed we become.  Our conversations are so frequently interrupted by the beeps of incoming calls or texts or tweets that it is rare to enjoy the full attention and interactions with others.  The constant interruptions bring on a sort of imposed ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) that disrupts continuity and harmony and function.

If you notice, there are television cell phone ads now making a joke of this.  If it weren’t so irritating it would be funny.  A man and woman are having a romantic dinner, while he keeps surreptitiously looking at his phone.  She asks if he is watching a game while she’s talking to him, which he denies.  Then he gives himself away by cheering when his team makes a goal.  The voiceover says something like “22 seconds faster.”  So much for that romance!

Worst of all, this so-called electronic “connection” keeps us from being truly connected with our own thoughts, emotions, and spirits.  All our endeavors become disjointed and ineffective as we lose more and more contact with our deeper self.  How can we possibly do purposeful work, be inspired or enjoy the presence of another human being with all interruptions that our electronic connections bring?

I am not naive in thinking that our devices are going anywhere.  They are amazing, entertaining, and useful in the blitz of zippy information they provide.  My life wouldn’t be the same without them.  As a culture we are addicted to them and will stand in line for hours to get the latest versions.  What I am suggesting is that we use them mindfully.  And that every day we turn them off and put them away for awhile.  (I can hear people hyperventilating.  Grab a paper bag to breathe into).

At a time when we are routinely stressed by bad news, too much to do and worries about whether we are meeting the demands of the day, it is very easy to get focused on what is wrong in life.  In order to stay sane, healthy or even to heal, we need a break.  What we are focused on gets bigger, no doubt about it.  You may have gotten used to talking and consuming the latest drama or bad news of the day.  It is essential to open yourself to wonder, which essentially means allowing for some silence and mindfulness.

Being quiet and observant opens a crack of daylight in your awareness.  Going for a walk without your ear buds will allow for hearing a crow cawing or the wind in the tree.  You may notice that one grass has a deeper color or different texture than its neighbor. There may be some wonder in the feather that lies on your path.

If you notice, you begin to experience wonder and joy.  It is a beautiful world we live in and a beautiful life when we care to pay attention.

“Don’t ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.
Because what the world need is people who have come alive.”
~Howard Thurman~

Do you know how many times in a day you say,” I have to…do such-and-such?”  Start paying attention to your choice of words, and you may be surprised to hear it coming out of your mouth.  For instance, I have to go to work; I have to go grocery shopping; I have to answer my email; I have to take the kids to the park or I have to get that project done.

There is an implicit stress and strain when you say “I have to.”  It implies that you have no choice in the matter and of course you do.  This has a lot of application in life.  From sun up to sun down we are engaged in either routine tasks that are a part of living, or we are hopefully intentionally working toward a goal of some kind that will enhance our life with enjoyment, making for better relationships, improving our health or abundance.

Even when you have undertaken a real challenge, your choice of words can help you.  Try changing your “I have to” into “I want to” or “I choose to.”  For instance if you are concerned about your fitness level, it is much less strained to say “I want to go for a walk this afternoon,” or “I’m choosing to go to the gym today.”

What you may notice is that you not only feel less stress, but you will lower your resistance as well.  We generally don’t like to be told what we have to do.  Even when the instructions are coming from ourselves.  As soon as we hear “I have to…” we immediately don’t want to.  So going for the walk becomes a contest of wills.

Take the softer approach and go with the desires of your heart.  There is a good reason you have chosen to do whatever the task is at hand.  Connect with your WHY and it will provide the natural fuel to carry you to your goal.  See the image of it completed, and notice the feelings of satisfaction, pride or peace that you experience.

What we pay attention to gets bigger.  This is a big secret that has been around forever, and one that you can make use of.  Being intentional about where we are going, and then paying regular attention to it makes all the difference between moving smoothly toward your destination, and having a big old fight with yourself that is fraught with stress and strain.  Start reminding yourself that you are choosing success and you will find the process much easier.