“Loving people live in a loving world.  Hostile people
live in a hostile world.  Same world.”
~Wayne Dyer~

Remember that old adage “In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend?”  Well, like a lot of those old adages there is a level of truth in it that may not be obvious at first blush.

I was listening to someone telling me yesterday that she didn’t have anyone in her network that she could turn to for support and comfort.  She was in dire straits and really needed it too.

Seems that she had some superficial friendships at work, but she didn’t trust anyone enough to tell them what was really going on.  She had been burned in the past and wasn’t taking any chances.

Later another person was telling me that she didn’t have a life partner because there aren’t any good men out there.  Now I would love to have a dollar for every time I’ve been told that by both women and men!

How do you suppose it is that some people have a great network of friends?  And some have spouses with reasonably happy relationships?  Are they just lucky?  Is it because they are beautiful or handsome, have money or drive just the right car?

Ad companies would have us believe that.  But it just ain’t so.

No doubt it has something to do with where you go and who you see.  After all, no one is going to come knocking on your door and beg you to come out with them.

But I think it has more to do with who you are.  This is where attraction comes in.  For years the developments in the field of quantum physics has been revealing the principles of attraction that are naturally at work in everyday life.  Essentially it means that we are creating the lives we have by attracting the elements to us.

Think of it like a big old magnet inside of you.  You are magnetically drawing toward you what you need and desire in your life.  But the secret to it is that the magnet matches who you really are.  Our thoughts, beliefs and emotions vibrate at a particular frequency.  We “broadcast” or emit that frequency and receive at the same frequency.  If you have poor self esteem and pity yourself for all you lack, you can’t help but be receiving people into your life who vibrate at that same frequency.

So it does no good to wish for a mate who is reliable and honest if you are flighty and play loose with the truth.  Or if you want someone is who trustworthy if you are not.  Whatever you have on your list you need to BE.  If you want a friend or mate with certain values, you need to live those values yourself.

While opposites in temperament sometimes do attract, generally speaking, successful people are drawn to other successful people.  People who are kind and compassionate are generally drawn to similar people.

So after you make that list of qualities you desire in a relationship, check yourself out to see how you would fit the bill.  What will it feel like to BE that yourself?  When you can own that fully, and feel that fully, you will see that person you attracted coming your way.

“Every morning you are handed twenty-four golden hours.  They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge.  If you had all the money in the world, you couldn’t buy an extra hour.  What will you do with this priceless treasure?  Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once.  Once wasted, you cannot get it back.”

~Source Unknown

Several folks have told me this week that they woke up feeling awful or anxious or something else negative.  And that it was downhill from there for the rest of the day.  Not that unusual a conversation starter in my line of work.  And then I had a day like that myself…first time in a long time.

By 10AM I was well mired in doom and gloom, and then by 10:15 asked myself what was up with this?  Several things occurred to me.  Asking that question pushed me into Observer Mode rather than Reactor Mode.  One thing was for sure:  I was in the midst of doing some stinkin’ thinkin’ which was responsible for my glum mood and low energy.

This is how it works; it’s a big chain reaction in which one event gives rise to the next, and on and on, over and over again throughout the day.  Or a few minutes if we are paying attention and intercede.  Or a week, month, year or lifetime if we don’t.

• The Trigger Event is something that occurs outside of us; something that we generally have no control over.
• The Trigger Event in turn brings up a Thought.  There are times when an emotion is instantly triggered, but it’s usually a thought.
• Emotion is then shaped by the thought.  And these two factors, thought and emotion can go back and forth either strengthening the emotion or bringing up different emotions.
• Behavior comes next.  We choose a behavior and this is the point where we have all the choice in the world, as well as the responsibility for whatever we do.
• Consequence is the last link in the chain.  There is always some kind of consequence to the behavior that we do, and while we may predict it, the full consequence is out of our hands or control.

Here is an example of how this chain works.  Robert is getting ready for work and half watching and listening to a morning television show while he dresses.  He hears some bad news about the national economy (Trigger Event).  His immediate thought is something like, “Things are just getting worse everywhere!  What’s the use?” (Thought).  This in turn evokes feelings of fear and helplessness (Emotion).  He goes on for awhile thinking more along these lines until his emotions are amplified.  By now he is taking this personally and wondering when his own job might be terminated, probably without notice.  When his wife comes into the room to ask about when she should ask for time off the vacation they have planned, he curtly replies that she should forgot about a vacation this year; they can’t afford it!  (Behavior).  His bewildered wife asks why on earth he is saying this since they have saved for the vacation, and all their expenses are already covered.  An argument ensues and as they both drive off to work, they both feel angry and frustrated. (Consequence).

If you were to ask Robert what was wrong, he would likely tell you about the news event, how it “made him feel”  and go on a rant about how bad things are and how he wouldn’t be at all surprised if his employer would lay him off at any time.  As he sees it the bad news is responsible for his bad mood and it doesn’t help that his wife “just doesn’t get it.”  Her head is obviously stuck in the sand or she would be ready to cancel their vacation too because it is a frivolous waste of money, in light of how bad things are.

If Robert were aware of his own thought-emotion chain, he could see that he is reacting to the news story and that he has other options.  There are no doubt many other people who saw the same news story and had very different reactions to it.  It isn’t the trigger event itself that causes Robert’s misery; it is his thoughts about it that are responsible.  If he becomes aware and challenges his thoughts, beliefs and assumptions, it is possible to have a perfectly fine day, be in a good mood and continue planning the vacation with his wife.

When you hear yourself make comments such as, “You make me really mad!” or “You make me really happy!” or “So-and-so is driving me crazy!” or “Such and such made me worry all day,” pay attention because you have just zipped down the Trigger Event-Thought-Emotion-Behavior-Consequence chain of events.

The truth is that no one and nothing can “make” you feel anything.  Each of us is responsible for the emotions we feel and what we do with them.  If the responsibility seems daunting, when you challenge yourself to pay attention and change them, you will feel much more empowered.  And isn’t that what we are going for?

” The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’.”            ~Dan Rather~
                                                      
Do you remember a favorite teacher?  Or maybe you were fortunate enough to have several.  Those gifted women and men who had a mission in life, and were able to connect with you in a way that gave you a mission too, at least for a little while.  Even if you don’t remember the facts they taught (I was right when I said I would have no use for algebra!) your mind was expanded and perhaps most importantly because she or he cared about you and the kind of human being you could become.

Fortunately we don’t have to be in a formal education setting to find a teacher with a valuable lesson.  They may come in the guise of a boss or a mentor.  I have been surprised to find them in the children I have known.  Sometimes the most poignant and yes, painful lessons, have come with the experience of being a parent.

The greatest gift of relationships in general is that they hold a mirror up to reflect our own image, and if we are willing students we learn a lot through them.  Although we prefer our pleasant and close relationships, the conflicts that inevitably surface are true teaching moments.  If we can get out of the angry blaming mode and take a good look in the mirror, we will catch a glimpse of truth about ourselves that we haven’t seen before.

There are patterns in those conflicts that are telling.  And because the patterns tend to repeat over the years, we could look at our part in them and learn something valuable.  Maybe the strangest teacher of all is that person that you really can’t stand.  The one that gets on your last nerve.  The one you find yourself ranting about to your friends or in your own head.  They have qualities that you reject, even find repellant.

This is dark stuff.  Dark in the way that Carl Jung called the shadow.  Not necessarily evil, but rather “in the dark.”  That stuff we can see readily in other people, but not in ourselves.  As a matter of fact, Jung said that true evil was in not facing our own shadow.  We tend to defend against looking at that uncomfortable dark stuff by projecting it onto others and getting self-righteous about how we are not like them.

The next time you are poked by this “sharp stick” try this:  repeat the phrase “just like me.”  For instance I have to confess to some self-righteousness about Hummer owners, and when I saw them on the road, I would mutter to myself about how they are a part-of- the-posterior-that-we-don’t-say-out-loud-in-polite-company, if you get my drift.  I started adding “…just like me,” to the end of the name I was calling them, and immediately had to laugh.

The next time you are arguing or complaining, try this. “You are an idiot…just like me.” “You are lazy…just like me.”  “Harry is irresponsible…just like me.” “Republicans (or Democrats or Christians or Jews or Europeans are _________ just like me.” The effect of this is immediate in that it releases anger, fear and judgment, at least for the moment. And in that moment a little light will shine into your own shadow.  And if you are brave enough to look, you might see something about yourself that on the surface, may seem ugly.  But when fully explored may hold the keys to your own emotional freedom.

The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about.  After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared.  So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it.  And he’s complaining a lot.

Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story.  Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.

It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call  Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago.  It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food.  What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude.  Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned.  His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed.  He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.

Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted.  It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job.  I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times.  I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.

Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs.  After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist.  She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning.  She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet.  She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.

Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time.  She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along.  She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them.  On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.

She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them.  I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers.  I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.

When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends?  I know I do.  And I feel happy about sending them more business.

When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people?  When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand?  There are at least three good reasons to do that.

• You will be of much greater service to others.  Your employer or the organization is going to profit from your focus and positive work ethic.  Even if it is not the ultimate goal of your lifetime, it will more likely lead to recognition, good networking and eventually a next step in the right direction for your life.
• You are going to benefit because a positive attitude is energizing and promotes good mental and physical health.  When you are going out of your way to learn new things, perform more efficiently and support and help others, you are much happier in general.  Moving forward is so much easier in this way than when you are resentful or fearful that you aren’t doing what you hoped you would be.
• We tend to attract the same qualities that we are “putting out there.”  So if you are feeling negative, you convey that to everyone around you whether you try to cover it up or not.  Your unconscious mind is communicating with every other unconscious mind around you, and the results or feedback (or paycheck or tip) that you get reflects it.  If people are giving you wide berth, you might ask yourself why and listen for an honest answer.

When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have.  No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in.  Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams.  If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now!  No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place.  I urge you to do so.

My morning routine usually begins with “Morning Edition” on National Public Radio.  The other morning an interview caught my ear, in particular because it dealt with psychology and a training program for soldiers to deal with stress and prevent PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  The Army instituted the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness after they became concerned in 2006 about the increasing incidence of PTSD and suicide.

While the stories of returning soldiers have brought PTSD to the foreground in the public awareness, it is a psychological disorder that is common with trauma survivors whether they have been in combat, suffered from domestic abuse, sexual assault or even an automobile accident.   The increasing incidence of it in returning vets and their stressed families have made finding effective treatments more urgent.  Of course as Benjamin Franklin knew, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so if we can be trained to build resilience, decrease stress and avoid PTSD, so much the better.

Why does this pertain to you and to all of us?  Because we are all affected to some degree or other by stress in our lives.  Whether we are subjected to some life changing event or an ongoing, unresolved conflict or pressure, stress is detrimental to health and happiness.  We know that it lowers the functioning of the immune system and thus plays hob with every kind of chronic physical and psychological disorder.

Of course most of the causes of stress, and the prevention and treatment of it, occur between our ears.  When we are pessimistic or negative in our thinking, we are highly vulnerable to it.  Most of the time it isn’t the outer circumstances that are the culprit, but the way we think about it, or what we are telling ourselves about it.  If you hear yourself on a rant to someone else, or in your own head, realize that you are “awfulizing” and causing yourself stress.

Of course if you are in combat or a car accident, that is no doubt a negative circumstance!  So let’s get to the prevention part.  A part of the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program teaches soldiers to Hunt the Good Stuff.  To quote Sergeant 1st Class Michael Ballard, one of the trainers in the program, “One of the things is what we call Hunt the Good Stuff. And it’s something that we can do every day and it helps to build our optimism. Research shows that if you’re an optimistic person you’re going to live longer, you’re going to be happier. I mean isn’t that what grandma always said? You know grandma used always said count your blessings and look at those things.”

Reminds me a lot of the gratitude list in which you can write down 10 things at the end (or beginning) of every day that you are grateful for.  And while doing that to allow yourself to really FEEL grateful.

Another version of “Hunt the Good Stuff” is an assignment I like to give to folks who are struggling in relationships with spouses or children, which I call “Catch them doing something right.”  The object is the same: notice the qualities or behaviors that you like in that person and express appreciation for it.  It quickly begins to change your own attitude for the better, and soon you are reinforcing and increasing the positive behaviors in that other person that you want to see.

It is so easy to pick out what is wrong and to run with it!  It’s a short trip from there to imagining the worst, getting into conversations with other people and playing a big old game of “Ain’t it Awful?”  Even if you keep your pessimism to yourself, you are going to set off a severe round of “monkey mind” and scare yourself or put yourself in a deep funk.  And of course the more we do that the more we can find that everything is just awful and stressful and difficult.

Looking for positive things in your life will help you recover more quickly when things do go wrong.  Finding what you are grateful for builds optimism and strength. “What we are trying to do here is to allow soldiers to make sense of what is happening, focus on what they can control, and not catastrophize(ph) and go into a downward spiral,” said the program’s director, Brig. Gen. James Pasquarette.

What is important to remember is that optimism can be learned or practiced, and that in doing so, you will improve your health and happiness in every aspect of your life.  You can build your resilience so that when bad things do happen, you will be better equipped to cope and to recover your balance and well-being.

If you would like to read or listen to the NPR interview, here is the link:

http://www.npr.org/2012/01/08/144862810/classes-teach-soldiers-to-be-army-strong

“You will go where you look.”
~Jay Stockwell~ 

For those who are regular readers it will come as no surprise to you that central to my philosophy, is a belief that we are personally responsible for the quality of our lives.  As a matter of fact, the more accountable we are for our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices and outcomes, the healthier and happier we generally are.

The beginning of every year offers us a natural period of time for assessing where we are and what we would like to be doing for the coming twelve months.  Of course there are skeptics who reject making plans for change.  That may be born of perfectionism:  “In the past I “relapsed” into old patterns and gave up, so what’s the use of trying again?”

I get that.  True change takes imagination, courage and persistence.  Many don’t have the stomach for it, or the patience.  It is easier to be on autopilot, going to work every day, putting up with however we find it, complaining about what we don’t like, going through the same routine every night, going to sleep, getting up and doing it all over again.

Often our relationships, social lives and leisure time are functioning in the same way.  Taking for granted those we live with, complaining about and to them, and running through the same old conflicts.  Meeting the same people for the same activities, zoning out in front of the television or surfing the web for hours on end.

I call it sleep walking through life.  Killing time.  It’s truly a deadly way to live.

I have heard from a number of people that they are bored, lacking energy and enthusiasm, maybe depressed.    They may be doing things, but only because they are expected to do them or are supposed to or “have to” do them.  If you find yourself in the same boat, I encourage you to ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Observe yourself if you would rather blame life circumstances or someone else for your funk.  That’s the easy way out.  Blaming your boss or the company, your spouse, kids or the weather may be comfortable because it gets you off the hook from having to take responsibility or action.    So if you write a question such as “When is my boss going to recognize my work and give me the raise I deserve?”  you are barking up the wrong tree!  You have no control or say over what your boss does.  And believe it or not, your discontent is not caused by him or her.

Also avoid asking “Why?”  As in “Why am I afraid to change jobs?”  That will take you down the path of explaining, telling yourself endless stories and justifying your unhappiness.  Insight may be great but it doesn’t change anything in and of itself.  You may come to see that you got lots of messages in your family about how important it is to play it safe, never change jobs or challenge authority.  But what are you going to do about it?

Instead, ask yourself “What “and “How.”  As in “What is going on with me feeling so fatigued and unhappy?”  Or “How am I contributing to my dissatisfaction at work?”  Or “What is my part in this conflict?”  Or “What would bring more meaning to my life?”  “How do I need to change so that I am enjoying my life (or work, or relationship)?” You notice also that these are “I” questions.  They aren’t about how to get someone else to change so that you can finally be happy!    

There are other great questions to ask yourself and to explore.  “Who am I?”  “What brings me to life?”  “What am I truly grateful for?”  “What do I truly value, and how can I express those values?”

These valuable questions bring you to some answers as to what you need.  And they can point to action you can take.  Notice though that this isn’t the end of the story because as you continue on through your life, the situation and your needs are going to change.  I encourage you to continue to ask the questions and to listen to yourself and the answers that come up.  As your experiences develop new awareness, skills and abilities, the questions will bring up different answers.

The process will serve you well, help keep you healthy and happy and involved in a meaningful and rewarding life.

“Every morning you are handed twenty-four golden hours.
They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge.  If you had all the money in the world, you couldn’t buy an extra hour.  What will you do with this priceless treasure?  Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once.  Once wasted you cannot get it back.”

~Source Unknown~

Happy New Year!  Yesterday I read a joke that went something like this.  An optimist is someone who stays up late on New Year’s Eve to welcome in the New Year.  A pessimist is someone who stays up late to make sure that the old year is gone.

Regardless of how the old year was for you, there is something about looking at the new one as a sort of clean slate, not yet written on or scuffed up by the whirl of world events.  Just prior to the turn of the calendar I like to take some time to look back through my journal to see where I was and whether there are any patterns that I can observe.

Do you make resolutions for the year ahead?  Or do you have goals that carry over?  Do you think that resolutions and goals are the same thing?  I think there is a difference in that resolutions are more often wishes for how our lives could be different, but there is often not a lot of thought for how that might be implemented.  And as a result, resolutions often fall by the wayside.  Before long the gym membership has come to naught or the home gym is serving as a clothing rack.

Goals, on the other hand, are intentions that have a plan that can be implemented, with support and accountability a part of it.  Goals have action “baby steps” that will certainly take you to the desired outcome.  Goals begin with imagining the outcome, move to how they can be implemented, and are characterized by action.

For a number of years my goals have been pretty much the same.  One big goal I accomplished several months ago.  For several others I can see some progress, and with one I haven’t even gotten out of the gate.  It seems that willingness to change is a key ingredient, which means willingness to do something different!  Maybe that’s another difference between a resolution and a goal.  Most of us would like our lives to be different, but it’s rarer to be willing to get out of our comfortable grooves and actually BE different!

So here’s my approach to reaching my goals in the New Year.  It boils down to two major components.  1)  Take more action.  2)  Take time more consistently (daily) to unplug, quiet myself, meditate, and open myself to inspiration.  Taking action consistently is a challenge for me.  I can “think and read and learn” about what I want to accomplish ad nauseam.  I once thought my ideal job would be thinking up great ideas, (if only someone would pay me for that).  While learning and thinking about things is important, without taking action, it can be paralyzing.

Dr. Jeanette Cates recently wrote a post about the imbalance that results from continuing to collect more information without taking action to express yourself or move toward your goal.  She advises to quit it and instead take some small action every day until you can gain momentum and see progress.  I hear you, Jeanette.

This two step approach also is satisfying in psychological terms.  Carl Jung taught that humans have both feminine energy and masculine energy.  The feminine is taking in, conceiving, being receptive; the masculine is moving forward, taking action, implementing what has been conceived.  The healthier we are the better balance between these energies we have.  On the contrary, if we are all action, our results are going to be shallow, repetitive, lacking in meaning and poorly thought out.  If we are all conception, then our poems or paintings will stay in the attic and the world will never see them.

So that’s my plan for the New Year.  I will be reporting to my accountability partners and keeping notes so that I can keep track of where I am and take corrective action when I come off the rails (which I undoubtedly will, being human and all).  I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, and invite you to leave a comment.

However you choose to proceed, I hope you remember that you are a unique and gifted human being with all the power you need to make a difference in the world.  Despite the problems that confront us, there is great beauty all around you, and I hope that you know that you are a part of it.