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Play Your Way to Better Health

By JanetEisenbise on Saturday, September 4th, 2010 | No Comments

This is Labor Day weekend and I have taken several days to get out of town and spend it with family.  A change of scene and routine is good for the psyche and the soul.  And hanging out with people I love is the magic elixir.

When I was a child I used to ask my mother what we were going to do for Labor Day.  Her reply was always, “More labor I suppose.”  I remember feeling disappointed.  I knew that most people would be playing and I wanted to do that too.

Of course I had no perspective that for a woman who was a mother of five and a teacher as well, that there would be no end to the work involved.  And even though my life circumstances are different, nearly constant working is a hard habit to break.

Apparently I am not alone.  Many of the folks I work with describe a similar sort of thing.  Work in the workplace and more work at home.  Even the effort that it takes to get children to seemingly endless organized sports and lessons becomes a part of a work routine that “has to be done.”

When I asked Ellen what she does for fun, she looked startled, fell silent and eventually said, “I have no idea.”  For several weeks we revisited the question and when I last checked, she still had not discovered the answer.

For starters we could consider a definition of play:  an activity that exists solely for its own purposes and has rules that can be spontaneous and flexible.  Of course we could take an activity that COULD be fun and stiffen it up with rules and a big dose of perfectionism and turn it into more work.

So what is the big deal about play?  Well it’s good for your health for one thing.  I would venture to say that a good laugh, “lightening up” with some good humor and imaginative play will energize as it delights you.

This weekend I am playing with my granddaughter.  We are having a pretty hilarious time.  If you have forgotten how to play, hang out with a child.  Borrow one if you must.  They will remind you of how it’s done.

One way or the other, I hope that this weekend you will make it a priority to step out of work mode and spend some time playing.

Taking the Pressure Off

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, August 11th, 2010 | No Comments

You may assume that reaching for a life of your dreams involves setting and working on goals.  That is a frequent subject of the posts in this blog, as well as many books and seminars related to human development.

In studying and practicing the art of life change, I have frequently heard that being specific about what you desire, and establishing a deadline for when you intend to manifest it, are both essential to success.

The problem is that taken to an extreme, these steps can create a lot of pressure.  And the tension that we feel is actually counterproductive.  And they are especially so because they begin to create doubt in our belief that we could possibly succeed.
Here are a couple of things to consider:

1.  We are notoriously awful at accurately predicting what will bring us happiness.  And if, in being specific with descriptive details, we lock ourselves into the one possibility that we can imagine, we are limiting ourselves and eliminating a myriad of other possibilities that we can’t even imagine!

For instance, Joe is looking for a new job.  And a friend has told him of a position that has opened up.  Joe is excited because it is in his field, pays well and sounds just perfect.  He focuses on how much he wants THAT job, and prepares for the interview, hoping and praying that he will get it.  In the meantime, there are many other possibilities that he isn’t even aware of because they are “off his radar.”

As it turns out, he doesn’t get the job he hoped for, and he is angry, disappointed and discouraged.  After he recovers and is back to working on his goal, visualizing success, feeling positive,  he hears someone talking at a party about looking for a contractor to provide technical services.  It includes specialized knowledge and a skill set that Joe just acquired through a certification course that he took over a year ago.   It pays way more per hour than he has ever received and he has all the equipment he needs to work from home.

Joe is thrilled and amazed at how this opportunity just “fell in his lap.”  He’s really happy that he didn’t get that other job!

2.  While it is helpful to track the action steps that you take toward a goal, imposing a strict deadline (interesting word, isn’t it?  “Dead line”) will limit and inhibit your progress.  How?  Primarily by creating fear and doubt that you can possibly succeed, which means you are then wasting energy fighting with yourself.

Deciding ahead of time when you will reach that goal is just unrealistic if you have no basis of experience for the steps you are taking.  Noting the steps and appreciating yourself every day, and enjoying the process involved will make a big positive difference.


So take the pressure off.  Focus on how you feel about achieving the goal.  Keep those good vibrations up and keep moving!

The Second Half

By JanetEisenbise on Thursday, July 1st, 2010 | No Comments

With the arrival of summer a little while ago, plus the beginning of the second half of the year today, it seems an opportune time to kick back, take a break before moving ahead.  I am hearing clients and friends talk enthusiastically about plans for escaping their busy routines.

Are you going to take a break?  The long weekend coming up is a great time to do that.  And fortunately taking a break doesn’t have to be an expensive proposition.

What is your idea of getting away?  Are you going to unplug from the computer?  TV?  Cell phone (except for basic necessities)?  Say goodbye to worK?

I’m looking forward to a change of scene, a break from work and decision making.  The 4th of July is family time and picnic time.  Throw in some fireworks and smoors, and life is good!

I hope that yours is too.  And that when you come back you are refreshed and energized and maybe even inspired.

A Piece of Peace

By JanetEisenbise on Tuesday, June 29th, 2010 | No Comments

At the end of a very emotionally demanding day, I was more than happy to be headed for my weekly meditation circle.  It is facilitated very skillfully by Martha, and attended by a regular group of about 12-15 people.  I have been a member for the past couple of years, and the group has become one of those mainstays of my life.

Meditation is fascinating to me, and I have practiced on and off for years.  Reading about it, listening to various CD’s of guided imagery or some other approaches expanded my understanding and my experience.  Since joining the group, I practice much more often.  And I have found that like a lot of other things, being in the presence of a group of people takes meditation to a different level.

There are many interesting research studies of the effects of meditation on the brain.  Through meditation you can change the brain waves, or the frequency of them.  And when you do, of course the body relaxes and you definitely feel that changed state in your whole being.

After some months of regular practice, I noticed a marked change in my level of anxiety.  Not that I thought of myself as an anxious person before that, but it was certainly one of the benefits.

The stereotypical notion about meditation is that it is very difficult, complex and only for the very religious and exotic.  There are those to whom meditating is the center of life, and they dedicate their lives to it.  But at its most basic, it is simplicity itself.  You can begin by sitting comfortably, with your spine and head relatively straight.  Close your eyes, breathing several deep breaths, relax your body as you exhale.  Then simply follow your breathing with your attention. When it wanders into thinking about what you have to do next, just gently bring your attention back to your breathing.  Stay with it for 10 minutes or so.  And that’s it.  As you practice, you will extend the time easily.

For that time you will feel peaceful. And if you choose to practice routinely, it will be easier and easier to bring yourself to that state of peacefulness.

Photo by Amy O Rizzo
Copyright 2010  All Rights Reserved


Good Vibrations

By JanetEisenbise on Saturday, June 26th, 2010 | No Comments

Do you remember that psychedelic pop song by the Beach Boys called “Good Vibrations?”  It came out in 1966 and was of course a song about a girl.  But the words and tune came to me this morning when I was thinking about how to cope with low vibrations.

Good Vibrations

You know, low vibrations that occur when you are feeling sad or angry or frustrated for a period of time?  Or when you get bad news that affects someone you love and you can’t really do a thing about it except express your concerns and offer support?

It seems to me that helplessness has an especially low vibration. In addition to the song I was thinking of the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?!” and how we affect our bodies and indeed our reality by the vibration of what we think and feel and do.

Can you observe in your own life how you are affected by low vs. high vibrations?  And if you can (hopefully you can), how do you raise them?

Michael Masterson in his newsletter, The Michael Masterson Journal writes that everything we do, whether in playing, working or distracting ourselves, will do one of three things:

  • Improves us somehow
  • Leaves us more or less the same
  • Damages us in some way

He goes on to say that our choices of what we do will directly affect the quality of our lives.

Using your journal would be a good way to take notes of your observations and to help you keep them in the forefront of your mind.  Otherwise, being creatures of habit, we lapse into familiar ruts and aren’t aware of what we are causing until way down the road.

Here are some ways in which I raise my vibrational level:

  • Listening to music; a wide variety of music.  Rock and roll to energize me, jazz when I’m feeling reflective, folk and classical when I’m writing, classical most of the rest of the time.
  • Reading something informative or inspiring.  I’m taking a web page design class and the steep learning curve excites and satisfies me (and I must admit at times frustrates me).  Mary Oliver is my favorite poet and her writing is divinely inspired, I am certain.
  • Looking at art.  Going to a museum or more accessibly, to a local gallery can make my day.
  • There is a local farmers market that I love going to on the weekends.  It may be hard to explain how fresh produce can rev my engines, but it does.  The mix of stands selling fresh fish, meats, baked goods and flowers plus the diversity of the shoppers makes for a stimulating place.
  • Having a conversation with a friend about almost anything.  Just being with certain people has a positive and energizing effect.  No doubt you know what I mean.  Playing with my granddaughter does it every time.  In fact, thinking about her or looking at pictures of her does too.
  • Going for a walk outside and being in the midst of grass, trees and nature in general always lifts my spirits.
  • I am grateful that most of the time my work is positive, interesting and energizing.  Writing, coaching and doing therapy are all very engaging and rewarding to me.  Hopefully your work is too.  If not, maybe that’s a hint that you need to make a plan for a change.

What are those “golden” activities that rev you up or inspire you, or improve your mood?  Please leave them in the comments so that everyone can benefit.

Is Worry Essential to Getting Ahead?

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010 | 5 Comments

In a conversation over the weekend, Mark told me that he “had to worry” about meeting production goals and the budget in order to provide for his family.  I know this is a figure of speech, but it caught my ear with a dissonant note.

As he explained further what he meant, it occurred to me that his anxiety was part and parcel of his approach to fulfilling the role of breadwinner that is important to him.  Does it have to be that way?

What we’re really talking about here is fear. Certainly big goals induce a combination of excitement and a little terror too.  If they are moving us toward a chosen change, goals stretch our abilities and skills and even our concept of ourselves.

But I think that Mark was talking about something else.

Is there merit in fretting and obsessing and constantly checking to see if we are getting where we want to be?  Or is it a big waste of energy?  Is it possible or desirable to switch to a more positive, hopeful, visionary frame of mind?

It sure seems to me like a more pleasant way to live.  But some people attribute an almost magical quality to their worrying.  It goes something like this:  Some things in life are fearful and awful and if I don’t keep constant tabs on them, these dire things will happen to me.

Or more specifically, If I’m not constantly worrying about my production, money and the budget, I might fall short and something awful will happen.

Sometimes I meet people who label themselves as Worriers.  Like all labels it carries a burden that would best be laid down.  Worry usually becomes a substitute for taking action.  And as we know, taking action is essential to meeting goals.



Pace Yourself

By JanetEisenbise on Tuesday, May 25th, 2010 | 2 Comments

Over the weekend I got a reminder of something that is a fundamental part of reaching goals and also having a healthy life.  I had taken a couple of days to go with friends to see a play in a town about 90 minutes away from where I live.  It involved an overnight stay and a leisurely ride both ways.

The musical was a lot of fun, the company even more so.  The ride through the beautiful rural countryside was a pleasure, and the town which was new to me was a gem of German architecture.  In short, a great change of scene.

What I remembered was that while there is the press of “doing” that is necessary to reach our goals, it is also important to do the opposite.  And that is “being.”  If you think about it in terms of energetics, one (Doing) is masculine and the other (Being) is feminine.  Carl Jung believed that humans of both genders have both energies and needed to develop them over the lifespan.

Marion Woodman, Jungian analyst and author of wonderful books including Leaving My Father’s House, wrote that it is essential to the creative process that we utilize both Doing and Being energies.  We conceive or get the ideas and inspiration in the Being or feminine phase, and carry out the steps of expressing or Doing in the masculine.

If we stay only in the feminine we will have great ideas that never get carried to the world.  (You know…the collection of poems in the attic, or the half painted canvas in the back of the closet, or the business plan that always stays in the planning phase.)  Those stuck in the masculine keep cranking out products with no inspiration or quality or life in them.

If you are in the Doing mode, taking steps consistently to reach your goal, good for you.  However you might take stock of how you are really feeling.  Assess your energy level. Are you feeling some strain?  Are you feeling irritable or having trouble concentrating?  Has your inspiration evaporated?  Do you remember WHY you are doing all this work?

If so here are some ideas for you.

  • Take a break.  Get away from your office or computer for awhile.  Have some fun.  Play with your kid or grandkid.  If you don’t have one, borrow one.  Blow bubbles, go wading or do some finger painting.
  • Connect with nature.  Go for a walk in the country or preferably by a river, lake or beach.  There is something healing about water.  Plant some vegetables or flowers; use pots if your don’t have a patch of dirt of your own.  Sit on a log or rock in the woods and close your eyes and listen.
  • Schedule several days away and go with your spouse or friends to a place you have never visited.  Unless you are responsible for someone else’s life or have been personally  appointed to be in charge of the universe, turn off your phone.  You can check messages at the end of the day.
  • Take 20 minutes to meditate.  You can afford the time to do this everyday, and you will be amazed how something so easy and simple will change your life for the better.  Sit comfortably, close your eyes, breathe in deeply and exhale fully while you relax your body.  Then just continue breathing normally and focus your attention on the breath coming into and out of your body.

Before you return to your responsibilities and your work, check out how you are feeling. And as you resume your Doing Mode, it will be with new vigor and inspiration.


A Little Perspective

By JanetEisenbise on Thursday, April 29th, 2010 | No Comments

Chicago

“All human beings are interconnected, one with all
other elements in creation.”
~Henry Reed~

If you made a list of what problems you are having in life, you will most likely note that your difficulty involves another person.  A boss or co-worker is not pulling his share of the load.  Or your sister is driving you crazy.  Or you can’t get your child to do his homework.  Or your spouse is being surly and won’t talk about it.

Sometimes the people who mean the most to you make decisions that you just don’t agree with.  Those decisions might seem really stupid.  Or wrong.  Or self defeating.  Or at the least, misguided.

And you find yourself with a strong emotional reaction and then criticizing, griping and complaining.  Maybe even preaching and pointing out the error of their ways.

Feeling alarmed and upset about what could possibly result from their stupidity.

Feeling preoccupied with someone else’s choice and the emotional upset that usually goes with it is the worst part.  Too bad you can’t collect rent for the space they are taking up in your head!

The thing is, it’s not really their fault that they are in your head to begin with.  What is going on and how do you decide what to do with it?  Do you really want to spend your time and energy this way?

And what is the effect that your frustration and judgment is having on the relationship?

Albert Ellis had a list of 9 beliefs that we use to cause our own misery.  One of them is a belief that it is awful when people don’t behave as we believe they should.  (Read yesterday’s post about “awfulizing.”)

The rational alternative to that belief is that we may feel uncomfortable about someone else’s choices or behavior, but it very rarely is awful.  And most of the time it really doesn’t have anything to do with us.

I choose to believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.  And that the point of it is to learn from our experiences and to develop into better, more conscious human beings.

Some people figure this out, invest in their growth and learn from experience.  Some get this earlier on, some later.  Some may not get it at all.  However we do it, no experiences and consequences are lost.  We all have the option to wake up and smell the coffee.  But that’s not the same for everyone as it is for you.

What IS in your domain to care for, are the relationships you have.  When you get some perspective and set aside your judgments and calm yourself, you can remember that it is the caring for that other person that matters most.

Don’t allow your irritation or fear to get in the way of continuing to relate to your friend or family member.  Don’t complain about them to others, especially if there are children involved who are affected.  If there are divisions in the family, don’t abandon members who may be on the outs with the majority.

They are fallible and vulnerable human beings with the same range of light and dark possibilities that you have.  You are as capable of making errors in judgment.  You have blind spots just as they do. Allow them their choices and their consequences, giving feedback if you are asked.

Then you might look to yourself and tend to your own emotional needs and the mysteries of your own growth and choices.

Ain’t It Awful

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 | No Comments

Rocky Maine Shoreline

One of the first self help psychology books that I ever read was Games People Play by Eric Berne, Ph.D.  He describes something called Transactional Analysis, which is a description of scripts we learn and live by.

Berne describes “games” that we play that become a sort of shorthand of interaction.  There are games that we use within our own self talk and games that we use to relate to others.

While I don’t think that T.A. is the last word, or the only word in psychological theory, I do think it is useful in understanding and changing what is going on.  If you are finding yourself stuck in repeating problems in your life, it’s worth a look.
http://tinyurl.com/23ctyb6

I’ll bet that you can recognize these games and have no doubt played them yourself.  One of the most popular is “Ain’t It Awful?”

You might hear versions about how bad the economy is; about young people today; politics; something in the news; the latest office memo; how dumb (or insensitive, or short-sighted or misguided) management is; how your spouse is on your last nerve; how some family member just doesn’t get it, etc. etc.

So what is the pay-off in playing?  It is a way of relating to other people in a kind of code that everyone understands.  People playing this game also get to feel Right and Righteous, a step above those being “awfulized.”  There is also the drama and attention that comes to the one who begins the game or knows one thing more awful than the next player.

What is the cost of playing Ain’t It Awful?  For one thing it is stressful.  Pay attention to yourself when you are playing, and notice that your blood pressure goes up, your adrenalin is pumping, your stomach gets in a knot, and you get either angry or scared and preoccupied about the topic at hand

The other cost is that while there may be a short-lived pay-off, when we play games, we are lacking in authenticity.  There is no real intimacy or genuine connecting going on.

If you want to build relationships, be yourself and avoid the drama of playing Ain’t It Awful.  You will find yourself less reactive, and therefore less stressed to boot.

Don’t Take It Personally

By JanetEisenbise on Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 | No Comments

Do you find yourself reacting strongly to someone’s comments or behavior?  Do you have a family member who keeps doing something that just drives you crazy?  Is there a co-worker who says and does the same thing over and over again that you just can’t stand?

You might spend quite a lot of time complaining to other people about this behavior, and you might use up a lot of time and energy steaming inside your own mind about it.

The other day a client, Robert, was telling me about a situation at work when his boss seemed to ignore his suggestion for solving a problem that had occurred repeatedly in his department.

He tried presenting his idea in a small staff meeting, and again in a one-to-one meeting.  He carefully outlined the problem, his idea for the solution and how it would solve the problem.

Despite his carefully thought out presentation, his boss seemed to not even hear his idea.  And to make matters worse, the boss kept on talking about the need for solving the problem as if to prove that the idea was worthless.

Needless to say, Robert felt frustrated and angry.  And looking a little deeper admitted that his feelings were hurt.  As a matter of fact, he was really offended and swore that he wouldn’t contribute another thing to the company.  He was just going to put in his 8 hours and go home.  That was it!

I expect most of us could relate to his feelings.

But we would be well advised to not take it personally.  I don’t know what is going on with the company or the boss.  But I do know that his behavior didn’t really have anything to do with Robert or the merits of his ideas.  No doubt Robert isn’t the only employee in the company who is treated like this.

The thing is that the boss likely treats almost everyone in his life like this.  And we don’t have to take a survey or analyze him to figure it out.  Just know this:  people do what they do for their own reasons.  Likely acting out some old story of their own which they may or may not even be aware of.  It really has nothing to do with you.

You won’t have to look far to see that lots of people complain about the same behavior.  It isn’t personal to you, so don’t take it personally.

Observe your own reactions, beliefs and behavior.  Do some relaxation and release your tension about it.  Allow others to be who they are and trust that they are human and are responsible for themselves.  You don’t have to straighten them out.

Refocus on your own life direction.  Who are you and who do you want to be?  How are you treating others?  How can you practice this principle of not taking it personally?  If you do you will notice that you will feel less stressed, more happy and that your relationships will improve.

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