A Day of Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Posted on January 30, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

Several folks have told me this week that they woke up feeling awful or anxious or something else negative. And that it was downhill from there for the rest of the day. Not that unusual a conversation starter in my line of work. And then I had a day like that myself…first time in a long time.

By 10AM I was well mired in doom and gloom, and then by 10:15 asked myself what was up with this? Several things occurred to me. Asking that question pushed me into Observer Mode rather than Reactor Mode. One thing was for sure: I was in the midst of doing some stinkin’ thinkin’ which was responsible for my glum mood and low energy.

This is how it works; it’s a big chain reaction in which one event gives rise to the next, and on and on, over and over again throughout the day. Or a few minutes if we are paying attention and intercede. Or a week, month, year or lifetime if we don’t.

The Trigger Event is something that occurs outside of us; something that we generally have no control over.
The Trigger Event in turn brings up a Thought. There are times when an emotion is instantly triggered, but it’s usually a thought.
Emotion is then shaped by the thought. And these two factors, thought and emotion can go back and forth either strengthening the emotion or bringing up different emotions.
Behavior comes next. We choose a behavior and this is the point where we have all the choice in the world, as well as the responsibility for whatever we do.
Consequence is the last link in the chain. There is always some kind of consequence to the behavior that we do, and while we may predict it, the full consequence is out of our hands or control.

Here is an example of how this chain works. Robert is getting ready for work and half watching and listening to a morning television show while he dresses. He hears some bad news about the national economy (Trigger Event). His immediate thought is something like, “Things are just getting worse everywhere! What’s the use?” (Thought). This in turn evokes feelings of fear and helplessness (Emotion). He goes on for awhile thinking more along these lines until his emotions are amplified. By now he is taking this personally and wondering when his own job might be terminated, probably without notice. When his wife comes into the room to ask about when she should ask for time off the vacation they have planned, he curtly replies that she should forgot about a vacation this year; they can’t afford it! (Behavior). His bewildered wife asks why on earth he is saying this since they have saved for the vacation, and all their expenses are already covered. An argument ensues and as they both drive off to work, they both feel angry and frustrated. (Consequence).

If you were to ask Robert what was wrong, he would likely tell you about the news event, how it “made him feel” and go on a rant about how bad things are and how he wouldn’t be at all surprised if his employer would lay him off at any time. As he sees it the bad news is responsible for his bad mood and it doesn’t help that his wife “just doesn’t get it.” Her head is obviously stuck in the sand or she would be ready to cancel their vacation too because it is a frivolous waste of money, in light of how bad things are.

If Robert were aware of his own thought-emotion chain, he could see that he is reacting to the news story and that he has other options. There are no doubt many other people who saw the same news story and had very different reactions to it. It isn’t the trigger event itself that causes Robert’s misery; it is his thoughts about it that are responsible. If he becomes aware and challenges his thoughts, beliefs and assumptions, it is possible to have a perfectly fine day, be in a good mood and continue planning the vacation with his wife.

When you hear yourself make comments such as, “You make me really mad!” or “You make me really happy!” or “So-and-so is driving me crazy!” or “Such and such made me worry all day,” pay attention because you have just zipped down the Trigger Event-Thought-Emotion-Behavior-Consequence chain of events.

The truth is that no one and nothing can “make” you feel anything. Each of us is responsible for the emotions we feel and what we do with them. If the responsibility seems daunting, when you challenge yourself to pay attention and change them, you will feel much more empowered. And isn’t that what we are going for?

Strange Teachers

Posted on January 18, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

” The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’.” ~Dan Rather~

Do you remember a favorite teacher? Or maybe you were fortunate enough to have several. Those gifted women and men who had a mission in life, and were able to connect with you in a way that gave you a mission too, at least for a little while. Even if you don’t remember the facts they taught (I was right when I said I would have no use for algebra!) your mind was expanded and perhaps most importantly because she or he cared about you and the kind of human being you could become.

Fortunately we don’t have to be in a formal education setting to find a teacher with a valuable lesson. They may come in the guise of a boss or a mentor. I have been surprised to find them in the children I have known. Sometimes the most poignant and yes, painful lessons, have come with the experience of being a parent.

The greatest gift of relationships in general is that they hold a mirror up to reflect our own image, and if we are willing students we learn a lot through them. Although we prefer our pleasant and close relationships, the conflicts that inevitably surface are true teaching moments. If we can get out of the angry blaming mode and take a good look in the mirror, we will catch a glimpse of truth about ourselves that we haven’t seen before.

There are patterns in those conflicts that are telling. And because the patterns tend to repeat over the years, we could look at our part in them and learn something valuable. Maybe the strangest teacher of all is that person that you really can’t stand. The one that gets on your last nerve. The one you find yourself ranting about to your friends or in your own head. They have qualities that you reject, even find repellant.

This is dark stuff. Dark in the way that Carl Jung called the shadow. Not necessarily evil, but rather “in the dark.” That stuff we can see readily in other people, but not in ourselves. As a matter of fact, Jung said that true evil was in not facing our own shadow. We tend to defend against looking at that uncomfortable dark stuff by projecting it onto others and getting self-righteous about how we are not like them.

The next time you are poked by this “sharp stick” try this: repeat the phrase “just like me.” For instance I have to confess to some self-righteousness about Hummer owners, and when I saw them on the road, I would mutter to myself about how they are a part-of- the-posterior-that-we-don’t-say-out-loud-in-polite-company, if you get my drift. I started adding “…just like me,” to the end of the name I was calling them, and immediately had to laugh.

The next time you are arguing or complaining, try this. “You are an idiot…just like me.” “You are lazy…just like me.” “Harry is irresponsible…just like me.” “Republicans (or Democrats or Christians or Jews or Europeans are _________ just like me.” The effect of this is immediate in that it releases anger, fear and judgment, at least for the moment. And in that moment a little light will shine into your own shadow. And if you are brave enough to look, you might see something about yourself that on the surface, may seem ugly. But when fully explored may hold the keys to your own emotional freedom.

Creating New Rituals

Posted on December 1, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

It seems that the holiday season brings up the opportunities and sometimes obligations to observe many personal, family and religious rituals. As I wrote in the previous blog post, these rituals are important for anchoring us in our lives in meaningful ways, connecting us with our “tribes” and can be healing.

If you ask almost anyone where they will be on a big holiday, they will tell you how they celebrate, with whom they spend that day and what they like or dislike the most about it. Some people feel bound to these traditions and rituals, even when they don’t fit any more. They feel stressed or burdened by them, and sometimes find them empty of meaning even though at one time they didn’t.

Margie was telling me about the traditional ethnic dinner she made every year for her family. When she was a child her mother and aunt had made the same dinner, and her grandmother before them. It was customary to invite friends, relatives and neighbors to come. As the elders passed on, Margie took it upon herself to continue the tradition. She asked siblings to help her, but for one reason or another, they seldom did, and yet everyone wanted the usual dinner to be part of the holiday celebration. The preparation took several days, expense and extra effort because it needed to be done ahead of time and transported to the family home hours away from where Margie lives.

After expressing some dread and resentment for all her efforts, we discussed her need to continue something that she clearly wasn’t enjoying. What was she getting out of it? If she didn’t do it, how would she feel? What other options did she have? How can she replace resentment, stress and anxiety with joy?

Exploring these questions led to some thought about what really makes the holiday personally meaningful to Margie. Even though the old traditional dinner held wonderful memories for her, she was no longer experiencing joy and happiness from continuing it. Margie was able to identify several other things that made the season exciting and meaningful to her and realized that she was so concerned about what she “had to get done,” that she wasn’t doing any of them! No wonder she was irritated and tired! She also realized that trying to meet what she imagined other people expected of her was really making her miserable.

Can you relate to Margie’s situation? How can you honor your own needs as well as those of people you love by weeding out rituals or practices that no longer feed your soul? And what might you add that would really nurture your spirit, connect you with family and friends in a meaningful way?

You might ask other people what they do that they really love, if you need ideas. I invite you to change what no longer serves you and to experiment with new rituals and practices that fill your life with light and love.

The Healing Power of Ritual

Posted on November 20, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

With the winter season approaching and the holidays coming with it, there seem to be a lot of traditions that are filled with rituals that we return to year after year. Some of them we do out of obligation, and some we might like to dispense with altogether. Whether we participate with eager anticipation or with resignation, the function of rituals in life is important.

Rituals seem to somehow anchor us in life. There is a sort of shorthand to understanding who we are and where we fit into our family, religious or social group. And while the rituals may be unique or very generally recognized and practiced, we instantly respond emotionally and sometimes spiritually.

In a world that seems sometimes to be changing with lightning speed, there is something comforting in taking the time and effort to share a meal featuring “the usual” food with people we know and love, even when liking them may be a challenge. Every family has their way of celebrating, and when new members are added, they are oriented to the rituals, and may bring their own to share.

When family relationships are strained, it can be a challenge to gather and be civil to one another, yet the sharing of holiday customs can be healing in that they remind us of history, experiences and values that we still have in common. Usually we may discover that we have much more in common with each other than the differences that divide us.

Children benefit from rituals and ought to be included in preparations according to their abilities. Did you know that something as simple as sitting at his/her own place at the table is a ritual that has been shown to make a huge advantage in children’s development? The rituals that the family observes help to anchor a child in life and to help them feel more secure with a sense of belonging.

And in fact, they help to make us all feel secure. For those who are going through challenging times, we may feel some comfort in observing traditions that go back to our earlier years. And as we grow and develop, we may discover that we need to develop new rituals that express our faith, our self and our love for each other.

I hope that you will be intentional in how you decide to celebrate. Consider what would be most meaningful to you, and discuss these ideas with those close to you. Be mindful of your needs and feel free to express yourself. Where ever and however you choose to celebrate, I wish you love and joy.

Letting Go

Posted on November 8, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“There are things I can’t force. I must adjust.
There are times when the greatest change needed is
a change of my viewpoint.”
~Anonymous~

In my on-going attempt to curb the clutter in my life, I was cleaning out some files, pitching out some material that I used a long time ago but haven’t seen recently. I came across something that I once used when I facilitated a women’s group therapy.

I really have no idea where it came from. I’m guessing it came out of the 12 Step traditions in some form or fashion. Since I don’t know who to give credit to for it, I offer my apologies in advance. But I like it and find the concept of “letting go” a valuable tenant of a healthy and happy life, whether you consider yourself to be recovering, or a traveler on a heroes journey (as Joseph Campbell called it).

Here it is; I hope it is useful to you:

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more.

Are You Playing A Role in Your Relationships?

Posted on August 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” e.e.cummings

It seems to me that one of the greatest challenges that we face in the process of adult growth and development is figuring out how to manage the roles that we play. And maybe more importantly, to recognize that we are MORE than the roles that we play and to grow beyond them.

Most of us play more than one role. We identify ourselves as son or daughter, mother or father, wife, husband, friend. And then we identify with the role of what we do: nurse, teacher, business owner, artist, carpenter, engineer or musician.

These roles provide a sort of behavioral structure in which we function, and also a kind of shorthand for our identity and a way of expressing a way in which others recognize us. What is the first question that people usually ask after meeting you? “What do you do?” A safe and easy way to open a conversation because most of us have our identity wrapped up in our occupations.

It wouldn’t occur to anyone to answer that question with, “Well, I meditated this morning, went fishing, played ball with my dog, shoveled the sidewalk, or weeded my garden, patched up a quarrel with my wife, comforted my sick neighbor, made the best soup of my life.” These are all “doing” activities after all. And they really may shed more light on our true identity than our occupation does.

In most family relationships we play roles that are more specialized than the general ones of father, mother, brother, sister. And we unconsciously continue to play out those roles in our adult relationships; even in the workplace. (Have you ever noticed how like a family a network of co-workers becomes?)

The most common role formations form a Victim Triangle of Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. It isn’t possible to have a Victim without the other two roles being a part of the equation. This pattern is all about struggling for power and control. Members of the relationship move around that triangle, creating drama and unhappiness.

The struggle of the Victim Triangle ranges from the subtle to the grossly obvious. Everyone will recognize the Triangle at work in cases of domestic violence or child abuse. It is obvious that someone is a Perpetrator (misusing power), that there is a Victim (one without power) and a Rescuer (one who saves the day, at least momentarily). What we often don’t recognize are the more subtle dramas that play out over and over again.
Here are some variations you may recognize and maybe even identify with. A boss or supervisor who micro-manages, criticizes and withholds praise or recognition, fails to offer incentives for success, has an attitude of “It’s my way or the highway!” and generally creates an atmosphere of fear and insecurity. An employee who hates his job but stays there year after year because he is convinced that there is nothing better out there and after all his pay and benefits are good. A parent of an adult child who keeps co-signing loans, offering bail-outs for a son who loses jobs or refuses to look for one because the “right one” hasn’t come along. And a husband who controls the money and a wife who silences herself and puts up with it even though she feels resentful and hurt. Notice that we don’t have to have broken bones, bruises or police intervention to live on the Victim Triangle!

Carl Jung taught that we develop personaes around the roles that we play, and that they come from an unmet need or trauma.
Webster defines personaes as the mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment and not representing the inner personality of the individual; the public personality. It is also a person’s perceived or evident personality, as that of a well-known official, actor, or celebrity; personal image; public role.

Often our awakening to the presence of this role playing or personaes comes in the wake of a personal or relationship crisis. Emotional pain, physical illness or a spiritual breakdown results after years of role playing, making it impossible to continue in the same old way. And when that happens, we have a choice to make: either stop, take a time out to explore our lives and ask what is going on; or plow ahead out of fear and continue to repeat the patterns over again.

It seems to me that we can get a repeated smack on the side of the head, play Victim and blame life circumstances in general, or other people specifically. To quote Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you?” Or we can choose to take courage in hand (because it DOES take courage to look in the mirror and not avert your gaze) and find help in asking and answering those vital questions that will unmask us and open up the possibilities of becoming more fully and richly human.

The choice is yours.

Good Relationships Have Good Boundaries

Posted on August 16, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Baby Boomers are known as the “sandwich generation” because they are increasingly dealing with responsibilities for caring for their aging parents as well as young adult children. Even as they plan for their own retirements, those plans may be taking on an unexpected shape, or being delayed because of being in the sandwich.

The job shortage has brought about a pattern of multiple generations living in the same household, a pattern that was common decades ago. Many college graduates are moving back into the family home while they hunt for jobs, rather than into their own apartments as they begin their careers.

The return to the childhood home may be an economic necessity, and many parents are willing to allow it out of a sense of obligation and concern for their children’s welfare. But the relationship between them is due for a change. Those “kids” are now adults, even though their financial independence may be delayed. It is important to think about the arrangements ahead of time and to negotiate some clear understandings before the contents of the dorm room are carried through the door.

The parents are homeowners, and as such have the final say in what happens there. They really have no legal or moral obligation to shelter their children. If the grown children are returning, it should be understood that it is out of generosity, and that they are to function as adults. Their being there can’t be a prolonged childhood if the situation is going to be a happy one.

There are boundary issues to be considered. Emotional boundaries are important in that they clarify where everyone’s interests and responsibilities begin and end. Here are some factors to consider and negotiate:

Establish a time frame for the arrangement. Agree to meet and discuss how things are going, and to make adjustments as needed. The time frame can be extended if all is going well, and everyone agrees.
The primary focus of the adult children should be on getting a job, hopefully one that will lead to a career path. If that isn’t possible, then a job that will help support them and pay some household expenses such as phone bills, utilities and car insurance and gas. This is a great time for them to make a budget and practice using it. There are good resources available to help them if they don’t want that advice from the parents. Remember that the ultimate purpose of this time is to establish independence and eventually leave the nest!
Discuss how the household will run, with young adults taking on their fair share of cleaning, yard maintenance, cooking, etc. It is important for everyone’s well being that they not return to a child-like state where mom and dad are taking care of them. This will only lead to resentment, irritation and eventual hostility.
Come to an understanding about hours of quiet, entertaining guests, music volume, television watching and general use of the living space. Discuss your expectations regarding overnight visitors and alcohol use. College students often have a very different time schedule than their parents do. Adjusting to a work schedule and routine hours might be a stretch! And if those first jobs are shift work, with work scheduled for the 2^nd or 3^rd shift, then obviously accommodations need to be made.
Being a parent to an adult child requires some letting go. The adult child needs to be making an emotional separation that was begun while they were away at college. Returning home likely feels like they are losing some of the independence they felt while away at school. Living under the same roof offers some additional challenges because while you will have opinions about how your son or daughter is spending money, job hunting and choosing friends or dating partners, you need to keep them to yourself! Unless what they are doing directly impinges on your household, then you must mind your own business.

This time of living together can be harmonious if your communications are clear. Having an understanding that the young adult is to use this period of help and support as a time to prepare for their independence can ensure that it will be productive and healthy for everyone.