If you ask most people to make a list of what they desire in life, the top item on the list is better relationships. Or in some cases, just having a close relationship.
It seems that as a species, we make lousy hermits. In order to be healthy, we need connection with others. On a deep psychological and spiritual level we need to be seen, recognized and validated by the witness that only other human beings can provide.
I once heard a psychologist say that he thought the most important value of long term relationships was having someone else be witness to your life. Families provide that for each other, as do marriages and life-long friendships.
Perhaps we put too much pressure on ourselves and others to have top quality (whatever that means), conflict-free relationships. As a culture we certainly have idealized the romantic model as the yardstick of whether our marriages are good ones. And anyone who has kept a marriage together for over five years knows this is impossible.
We may also be disappointed when our family relationships bear little resemblance to the Walton’s. And when conflicts arise, as they inevitably will, we are distressed, angry and resentful. And perhaps feeling alienated.
I think the truth is that any family has a mixture of the dark and the light. Those qualities that we dislike and don’t want to acknowledge and those that we do. They also are a mix of strengths and weaknesses that play out in patterns that come down through the generations. Since we unconsciously choose our mates to meet our as yet unmet and unhealed needs, we then replicate the patterns despite our best intentions. And then are bewildered by it.
So here’s the gift if you can see it and are willing to “unwrap” it, look inside and make use of it. Those people, friends, spouses, siblings, parents, etc., who annoy and frustrate you the most are providing a mirror for you. Think about this. Those qualities that you can’t abide in another human, are qualities lying inside yourself that you are afraid to acknowledge or dislike the most.
If this weren’t so, you wouldn’t be feeling so judgmental and annoyed by them.
I know this sounds like bad news. So why would I call this a “gift”? Because it is an opportunity to learn more about who YOU really are, and to either make some changes or to accept yourself and come to peace.
As soon as you can recognize that your conflict is most essentially with yourself, you can figure out pretty quickly how to take the pressure off the other person. You can lower your expectations that s/he should change and perhaps just accept them for who they are.
Maybe you could even take stock of their strengths, and focus on what benefits they might bring to the relationship with you. There is something that you are supposed to learn from them, and you will lessen the conflict when you can see what that is.









