Like planes flying into the Bermuda Triangle and disappearing forever, people in relationships sometimes seem to disappear into the Victim Triangle.  And it can seem just as overpowering and baffling to lose yourself in it.

Our personalities, beliefs and habits (something we could call the “habitual mind”) is formed in relationship to others.  When one person is taken advantage of by another, and this happens consistently, those two dynamics form two parts of the triangle.  So one is a Perpetrator and the other is the Victim.

The third angle in this relationship dynamic is the Rescuer. The person playing this role is essential too because someone is needed to perform rescue operations and to smooth out the aftermath of the conflict.

Two principles are in place here.  One is that all three parts are usually in play, and the other is that people playing these roles will move around the triangle.  In other words, the person who usually plays victim will at some point switch to being perpetrator or rescuer.

Here is an illustration of the Victim Triangle.  In the office is an authoritative boss who plays the perpetrator most of the time.  He is demanding, gruff and at times will fly off the handle, yelling and making scathing comments and accusations to the people who report to him.  Most of them are afraid of him and steer clear.

Martin has been working for the company for 5 years and although his work is adequate, he plays victim most of the time and is often the brunt of the boss’s rants. He is cautious, does just what is required of him and avoids taking any risks by presenting his ideas.  He is secretly very resentful.  He is often late meeting deadlines and late for meetings.

Lucille is Martin’s peer and has been in her job for 3 years.  She is bright, a quick study, energetic and has a sense of humor.  She is also a hard worker, and this quality along with her humor has given her an edge with the boss, who seems to spare her his tirades.

When Martin is late for a staff meeting, he calls Lucille, who makes an excuse for him.  She and Martin were assigned a project, and she was up really late last night rewriting it and getting the slides in order. She completed a section that Martin was responsible for and had left unfinished.  When they did the presentation, she let Martin take the lead.  The boss was unsmiling as usual, but he accepted the report without criticism.

At lunch Lucille is feeling resentful and angry at Martin, and after complaining to some coworkers about how hard she worked and how inept and lazy Martin is, she blew up at him.  She told him how sick she is of covering for him and threatens to let him sink the next time.  This isn’t the first time she has confronted him and then huffed off.  Later as she passes the boss in the hallway, he tells her good job with the report.  She smiles and thanks him.

When Martin arrives home he finds his son’s bicycle in the driveway for the umpteenth time.  He is furious, storms into the house, finds his son playing in his room and yells at the top of his lungs.  He tells him he is worthless and thoughtless and that he is going to just run over the bicycle the next time.  The boy is shaken and in tears as Martin storms off to pour himself a beer.

The boss has also arrived home to the news that his wealthy older brother has pulled his money out of a business deal that they had agreed to recently.  The boss was counting on this money to finance  an expansion project and now it seems impossible to proceed.  His brother has done this thing before, making arbitrary and callous decisions.  The boss had hated asking him, but was feeling desperate.  Business loans seem impossible to come by at this point, and if he doesn’t take some action soon, his whole company may go down the tubes.

And so it goes.  On and on.  The roles are habitual, the patterns are habitual as are the thoughts and emotions that go with them.  All are self defeating in that we really are not being our genuine selves when we play roles.  And playing the roles obviously causes relationship problems.

We can become aware of what we are doing and ask:

• What am I getting out of playing this role?  How am I avoiding responsibility?
  
• Who else is involved in the other roles in my triangles?
• What hidden beliefs are keeping me in my roles?
• What might happen if I stopped playing the roles?
• Am I willing to live without the drama that ensues?  Am I a drama junkie?

Remember all it takes to dissolve the triangle is for one person to stop playing.  We can’t do anything about other people’s choices, it’s true.  But like doing a familiar dance, when one person changes the steps they are taking, the dance itself has to change.

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