Adding Value to Life

Posted on January 16, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about. After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared. So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it. And he’s complaining a lot.

Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story. Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.

It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago. It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food. What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude. Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned. His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed. He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.

Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted. It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job. I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times. I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.

Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs. After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist. She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning. She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet. She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.

Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time. She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along. She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them. On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.

She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them. I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers. I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.

When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends? I know I do. And I feel happy about sending them more business.

When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people? When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand? There are at least three good reasons to do that.

You will be of much greater service to others. Your employer or the organization is going to profit from your focus and positive work ethic. Even if it is not the ultimate goal of your lifetime, it will more likely lead to recognition, good networking and eventually a next step in the right direction for your life.
You are going to benefit because a positive attitude is energizing and promotes good mental and physical health. When you are going out of your way to learn new things, perform more efficiently and support and help others, you are much happier in general. Moving forward is so much easier in this way than when you are resentful or fearful that you aren’t doing what you hoped you would be.
We tend to attract the same qualities that we are “putting out there.” So if you are feeling negative, you convey that to everyone around you whether you try to cover it up or not. Your unconscious mind is communicating with every other unconscious mind around you, and the results or feedback (or paycheck or tip) that you get reflects it. If people are giving you wide berth, you might ask yourself why and listen for an honest answer.

When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have. No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in. Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams. If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now! No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place. I urge you to do so.

Optimism and Coping with Stress

Posted on January 12, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

My morning routine usually begins with “Morning Edition” on National Public Radio. The other morning an interview caught my ear, in particular because it dealt with psychology and a training program for soldiers to deal with stress and prevent PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The Army instituted the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness after they became concerned in 2006 about the increasing incidence of PTSD and suicide.

While the stories of returning soldiers have brought PTSD to the foreground in the public awareness, it is a psychological disorder that is common with trauma survivors whether they have been in combat, suffered from domestic abuse, sexual assault or even an automobile accident. The increasing incidence of it in returning vets and their stressed families have made finding effective treatments more urgent. Of course as Benjamin Franklin knew, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so if we can be trained to build resilience, decrease stress and avoid PTSD, so much the better.

Why does this pertain to you and to all of us? Because we are all affected to some degree or other by stress in our lives. Whether we are subjected to some life changing event or an ongoing, unresolved conflict or pressure, stress is detrimental to health and happiness. We know that it lowers the functioning of the immune system and thus plays hob with every kind of chronic physical and psychological disorder.

Of course most of the causes of stress, and the prevention and treatment of it, occur between our ears. When we are pessimistic or negative in our thinking, we are highly vulnerable to it. Most of the time it isn’t the outer circumstances that are the culprit, but the way we think about it, or what we are telling ourselves about it. If you hear yourself on a rant to someone else, or in your own head, realize that you are “awfulizing” and causing yourself stress.

Of course if you are in combat or a car accident, that is no doubt a negative circumstance! So let’s get to the prevention part. A part of the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program teaches soldiers to Hunt the Good Stuff. To quote Sergeant 1st Class Michael Ballard, one of the trainers in the program, “One of the things is what we call Hunt the Good Stuff. And it’s something that we can do every day and it helps to build our optimism. Research shows that if you’re an optimistic person you’re going to live longer, you’re going to be happier. I mean isn’t that what grandma always said? You know grandma used always said count your blessings and look at those things.”

Reminds me a lot of the gratitude list in which you can write down 10 things at the end (or beginning) of every day that you are grateful for. And while doing that to allow yourself to really FEEL grateful.

Another version of “Hunt the Good Stuff” is an assignment I like to give to folks who are struggling in relationships with spouses or children, which I call “Catch them doing something right.” The object is the same: notice the qualities or behaviors that you like in that person and express appreciation for it. It quickly begins to change your own attitude for the better, and soon you are reinforcing and increasing the positive behaviors in that other person that you want to see.

It is so easy to pick out what is wrong and to run with it! It’s a short trip from there to imagining the worst, getting into conversations with other people and playing a big old game of “Ain’t it Awful?” Even if you keep your pessimism to yourself, you are going to set off a severe round of “monkey mind” and scare yourself or put yourself in a deep funk. And of course the more we do that the more we can find that everything is just awful and stressful and difficult.

Looking for positive things in your life will help you recover more quickly when things do go wrong. Finding what you are grateful for builds optimism and strength. “What we are trying to do here is to allow soldiers to make sense of what is happening, focus on what they can control, and not catastrophize(ph) and go into a downward spiral,” said the program’s director, Brig. Gen. James Pasquarette.

What is important to remember is that optimism can be learned or practiced, and that in doing so, you will improve your health and happiness in every aspect of your life. You can build your resilience so that when bad things do happen, you will be better equipped to cope and to recover your balance and well-being.

If you would like to read or listen to the NPR interview, here is the link:

http://www.npr.org/2012/01/08/144862810/classes-teach-soldiers-to-be-army-strong

Creating New Rituals

Posted on December 1, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

It seems that the holiday season brings up the opportunities and sometimes obligations to observe many personal, family and religious rituals. As I wrote in the previous blog post, these rituals are important for anchoring us in our lives in meaningful ways, connecting us with our “tribes” and can be healing.

If you ask almost anyone where they will be on a big holiday, they will tell you how they celebrate, with whom they spend that day and what they like or dislike the most about it. Some people feel bound to these traditions and rituals, even when they don’t fit any more. They feel stressed or burdened by them, and sometimes find them empty of meaning even though at one time they didn’t.

Margie was telling me about the traditional ethnic dinner she made every year for her family. When she was a child her mother and aunt had made the same dinner, and her grandmother before them. It was customary to invite friends, relatives and neighbors to come. As the elders passed on, Margie took it upon herself to continue the tradition. She asked siblings to help her, but for one reason or another, they seldom did, and yet everyone wanted the usual dinner to be part of the holiday celebration. The preparation took several days, expense and extra effort because it needed to be done ahead of time and transported to the family home hours away from where Margie lives.

After expressing some dread and resentment for all her efforts, we discussed her need to continue something that she clearly wasn’t enjoying. What was she getting out of it? If she didn’t do it, how would she feel? What other options did she have? How can she replace resentment, stress and anxiety with joy?

Exploring these questions led to some thought about what really makes the holiday personally meaningful to Margie. Even though the old traditional dinner held wonderful memories for her, she was no longer experiencing joy and happiness from continuing it. Margie was able to identify several other things that made the season exciting and meaningful to her and realized that she was so concerned about what she “had to get done,” that she wasn’t doing any of them! No wonder she was irritated and tired! She also realized that trying to meet what she imagined other people expected of her was really making her miserable.

Can you relate to Margie’s situation? How can you honor your own needs as well as those of people you love by weeding out rituals or practices that no longer feed your soul? And what might you add that would really nurture your spirit, connect you with family and friends in a meaningful way?

You might ask other people what they do that they really love, if you need ideas. I invite you to change what no longer serves you and to experiment with new rituals and practices that fill your life with light and love.

The Healing Power of Ritual

Posted on November 20, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

With the winter season approaching and the holidays coming with it, there seem to be a lot of traditions that are filled with rituals that we return to year after year. Some of them we do out of obligation, and some we might like to dispense with altogether. Whether we participate with eager anticipation or with resignation, the function of rituals in life is important.

Rituals seem to somehow anchor us in life. There is a sort of shorthand to understanding who we are and where we fit into our family, religious or social group. And while the rituals may be unique or very generally recognized and practiced, we instantly respond emotionally and sometimes spiritually.

In a world that seems sometimes to be changing with lightning speed, there is something comforting in taking the time and effort to share a meal featuring “the usual” food with people we know and love, even when liking them may be a challenge. Every family has their way of celebrating, and when new members are added, they are oriented to the rituals, and may bring their own to share.

When family relationships are strained, it can be a challenge to gather and be civil to one another, yet the sharing of holiday customs can be healing in that they remind us of history, experiences and values that we still have in common. Usually we may discover that we have much more in common with each other than the differences that divide us.

Children benefit from rituals and ought to be included in preparations according to their abilities. Did you know that something as simple as sitting at his/her own place at the table is a ritual that has been shown to make a huge advantage in children’s development? The rituals that the family observes help to anchor a child in life and to help them feel more secure with a sense of belonging.

And in fact, they help to make us all feel secure. For those who are going through challenging times, we may feel some comfort in observing traditions that go back to our earlier years. And as we grow and develop, we may discover that we need to develop new rituals that express our faith, our self and our love for each other.

I hope that you will be intentional in how you decide to celebrate. Consider what would be most meaningful to you, and discuss these ideas with those close to you. Be mindful of your needs and feel free to express yourself. Where ever and however you choose to celebrate, I wish you love and joy.

In The News: A Riff on Penn State

Posted on November 14, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“May God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you really can make a difference in this world,
so that you are able, with God’s grace,
to do what others claim cannot be done.”
~The Fourth of a Four-Fold Franciscan Blessing~

As a citizen of PA I have been, like thousands of others, reeling in the wake of events that have occurred in our state over the past week. A child sexual assault scandal has rocked a hallowed institution, and ended the careers of a number of powerful men. Arrests have been made and further investigations are ongoing.

Besides being shocked and appalled by what has been happening under our very noses for many years, we hear expressions of outrage, disgust, fear and sorrow. Personally I have felt them too. Admittedly I am not a Penn State graduate, nor am I am fan of college football. I follow sports only at Olympics time and whatever commentary or news is covered by NPR. I have been known to go into a coma at the sound of football commentary on TV. So my concerns don’t really extend to those entities.

What I think this is about is the assault on innocent children, and the abuse of power by people who apparently believe that sustaining institutional structures and the cash cow of college football (in this case) is more important than protecting those who are vulnerable, unprotected and have no power at all.

It isn’t even really about Penn State and college football; unfortunately this misuse of power and scandal has besmirched the Catholic Church, the Mormon Church, (probably every other church to some extent), other professional sports teams such as the Red Sox, and maybe even a local day care center in your community.

At the risk of sounding like an alarmist or shocking you, what I am saying is that no group or community is immune to it.

These acts are not perpetrated by monsters, although we like to call them that. They are not mentally ill people who have some “chemical imbalance” or brain dysfunction which keeps them unable to control their impulses. They are ordinary people who make awful choices. That they themselves were once similarly abused is likely the case. However, they have other options for dealing with pain, rather than inflicting it on others.

And what about the silent witnesses? They are ordinary people too. People who look and live an awful lot like you and me. And when you think about it, the witnesses by far out-number the monstrous perpetrators who inhabit so many nightmares. And the situations of abuse that seem to go on and on before they are finally (if ever) reported, are only made possible by people who turn a blind eye.

In one of many conversations I had last week, someone suggested that the witnesses at Penn State didn’t call the police because they feared for their jobs. As it turns out, their jobs would not be protected, at least in this state, because only certain occupational groups (teachers, counselors, doctors and nurses) have a duty to report. Ironically, coaches who deal with hundreds of minors, do not. Neither does John or Jill Q. Public. So protecting one’s career and financial interests can certainly outweigh doing the moral or ethical thing without legal consequences.

It would certainly be uncomfortable to buck the power of the institution, to risk disapproval and maybe even the ire of those who are at the top of the heap, wielding the most power. Lord knows it is uncomfortable standing up and opposing any existing order. Most of us are way too invested in pleasing other people…especially our “superiors” or those we see as authorities or deities (with a small “d”).

But what I want to remind you of is that there is tremendous power in the simple witnessing of anything you see or hear. There must be some sociological law that serves as the counterpart of nuclear physics which says that anything being observed is changed just by that process of being observed.

Can even one single individual change the world order? Yes, I have to believe that we can. The fate of one potential victim or one injured victim can be changed if we are willing to endure our own discomfort and stand up, dial a phone number and say, “I have seen this, or I have heard this, or I have reason to be concerned about this. “

Institutions of power can only abuse that power if the witnesses are all complicit in denying what they have seen and heard and been concerned about. One individual, especially when joined by others, can topple the biggest house of cards. You may think it is foolish to believe, but history is rife with examples of those who dared to speak up and of those who did not. The consequences are clear, and the children are still suffering.

Stop Trying to Fix It!

Posted on November 4, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Perhaps it’s a function of age, but I hear myself referring to “the human condition” a lot lately. It seems a little odd to be coming out of the mouth of a coach and therapist, who is after all, in the business of helping people make change in their lives. And who, speaking honestly, has been mighty occupied at times with trying to fix her own life.

What I mean when I refer to the human condition, is that most of what we experience in the way of turmoil, bewilderment and confusion, come as a result of a combination of normal development and events that seem to usher us through those stages. Suffering is optional.

We cannot avoid change, no matter how much we may hate it. We cannot avoid the losses that come with adult life: the death of those we love, jobs that we thought were secure, loves that we believed would be true forever, money and success that we worked hard for, our own strength, stamina and health, in short, our youth.

Even when we make choices which are motivated by improving our lives such as marrying, having children, relocating for a career or job improvement, or going to school to make a career change, we have adjustments to make that aren’t easy. Gaining in one area necessarily means losing something. Even if it’s a familiar place and routine.

I once had a mentor who moved his family from California to Georgia, his home state, because he and his wife thought their children would benefit from being close to family, and that it was a better place to rear them. What a lot of turmoil followed! To help them all voice their fears, frustrations, and longing for their familiar place, Don made up a game for dinner time called “What I miss about California.” The rules were that everyone had to participate and that no one could make fun of anyone.

The game evoked some laughing and some crying too. They had a forum to share their homesickness and that sharing normalized what they experienced. As time went on, and the family began to adjust, he added another part to the game called “What I don’t miss about California. “ In time, Don’s family did adjust.

So what can we do when the life adjustment or stage of development doesn’t seem to be moving along? What if we really find ourselves in an emotional crisis? What if we feel stuck in that crisis?

It seems to me that we can either identify with our symptoms of distress, or with our strengths. Or to put it more simply, with what is wrong with us, or with what is right. Somehow if we get hooked into identifying ourselves as Stupid or Weak or Victim, we will have a hard time mobilizing new ways of coping. Our thinking causes a very low vibration emotional state, and the labels imply there is no cure. We may struggle to “fix it” but since alas, there is no cure for Stupid. We are stuck in it.

Carolyn Myss points out in Anatomy of the Spirit that it is a spiritual mistake to make judgments. I think this is because when we do, our thinking is fixed and not open to seeing that we are human, and always in a process of flux or change. We are also closed off to inspiration, and creativity comes to a grinding halt.

Judgment comes with a nasty internal monologue of criticism, blame, anger, resentment, self pity and despair. This is true if that judgment is directed toward others or inward to the self. It is a mental lock box that keeps us spinning our wheels in endless analyzing (up in the garret of the head) instead of living in our body and experiencing and feeling.

The healthier, happier (eventual) alternative is to avoid the judgments, stay mindful of the moment we are in and to remember that even though you can’t think of how to fix it or see light at the end of the tunnel yet, that nothing in life stays the same. Good, bad or ugly, whatever state you are in will surely pass.

Instead of struggling to fix yourself, affirm that you are a loveable, capable human being. Collect evidence that this is the truth. Yes, write it down! Notice and take time to appreciate yourself for your stamina, strength and whatever other qualities become apparent when you decide to look. (Come on…you are already collecting evidence of what a dire mess you are! What do you think is making you so miserable? Be willing to collect evidence of what works in your life and be truly grateful for those things or people).

It isn’t true that your life circumstances or other people are making you unhappy. It’s what you are telling yourself about it, and the resulting mood state and behaviors that are resulting in misery. Those patterns may be habitual. And like all bad or destructive habits (cigarette, anyone?) they can be changed.

Nothing to FIX here; you are whole, capable and loveable. Just be willing to release the tension, irritation or sadness. Be willing to laugh at yourself and the situation. New creative solutions will begin to occur to you as well as intuitive ideas for a new direction. Listen to them and take heed. There will be small signs pointing to your direction out of the deep woods.

Choose Life

Posted on October 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive,
and go do it. Because what the world needs is people
who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman~

Candace was in my office last week, talking about her job and whether she should apply for a new position that had been posted. She was unsure that she qualified and whether she had a chance since she was just promoted a year ago. She would like the pay increase and the title would look good on her resume, but wasn’t sure that she would actually enjoy the tasks of the new position or the people she would be working with.

Candace is a young woman with a strong work ethic who complains about her job a lot. But she does like most of her co-workers, the tasks she does in her present job, and the reliability of working for a large public agency. Some of her co-workers have been there for 30 years. She is comfortable there and knows what to expect.

After a bit of considering what she would have to lose by applying for the promotion (nothing really), I asked her what she imagines she might be doing in 5 years, or 10 years. Could she see herself there 25 years down the road? She was silent as she considered my question. Finally she replied that she really had no idea.

So I will ask you, the reader, the same question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 years? What are the chances that you will be loving your life and what you are doing with it?

If we think about this at all, we often see it within the framework of a career or job. That’s fine, but expand the frame a bit to consider all aspects of your life. And then ask a second question: what brings you to life? What is it that enlivens you? Do you see yourself doing more of what brings you to life in your future? This is important because the questions and answers will make all the difference in the quality of your life.

Happy people tend to be involved in doing what they feel passionate about. They spend a good bit of time pursuing something that matters to them or has meaning to them. And passionate people tend to live longer, healthier lives.

This does not always necessarily correlate to your job or career, but even better if it does. Wouldn’t it be great to be one of those people who say they are so lucky to be paid for what they love to do? Or to be so passionate about what you are doing that getting a paycheck is icing on the cake?

However some may express and explore their passions through a hobby or through education that may or may not lead to a career change. Perhaps learning more about what intrigues you and teaching or telling others about it expresses your passion. You may also volunteer in a position that allows you to express your passion.

If you don’t already know, how can you discover your passion? Here are some things to consider. Write down your observations of the following:

Focus on what you appreciate in yourself, in others and in life in general.
Recall a time or experience when you felt happy. Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your environment?
What are you doing when you feel energized?
When do you feel most alert, aware or engaged?
The last time you were telling someone something that you were enthusiastic about, what was it?
Complete this exercise in your journal: If you were to wake up some morning, and by some miracle, everything in your life was just as you would want it to be, how would it be? Describe everything in detail and don’t leave anything out. What are you feeling as you write this?
What are your core values? What is most important to you?

Because the questions are such important ones, I encourage you to dedicate some time and attention to exploring them. The quality of your life depends on it. If you choose to live intentionally, and I hope that you do, thinking about them and discussing your insights with others will be helpful and stimulating.

For further help, you may want to buy a book called The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. Interesting and fun to use, it is thought-provoking and will shed more light on your quest for self-understanding and a richer life.