“Every morning you are handed twenty-four golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn’t buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure? Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once. Once wasted, you cannot get it back.”
~Source Unknown
Several folks have told me this week that they woke up feeling awful or anxious or something else negative. And that it was downhill from there for the rest of the day. Not that unusual a conversation starter in my line of work. And then I had a day like that myself…first time in a long time.
By 10AM I was well mired in doom and gloom, and then by 10:15 asked myself what was up with this? Several things occurred to me. Asking that question pushed me into Observer Mode rather than Reactor Mode. One thing was for sure: I was in the midst of doing some stinkin’ thinkin’ which was responsible for my glum mood and low energy.
This is how it works; it’s a big chain reaction in which one event gives rise to the next, and on and on, over and over again throughout the day. Or a few minutes if we are paying attention and intercede. Or a week, month, year or lifetime if we don’t.
Here is an example of how this chain works. Robert is getting ready for work and half watching and listening to a morning television show while he dresses. He hears some bad news about the national economy (Trigger Event). His immediate thought is something like, “Things are just getting worse everywhere! What’s the use?” (Thought). This in turn evokes feelings of fear and helplessness (Emotion). He goes on for awhile thinking more along these lines until his emotions are amplified. By now he is taking this personally and wondering when his own job might be terminated, probably without notice. When his wife comes into the room to ask about when she should ask for time off the vacation they have planned, he curtly replies that she should forgot about a vacation this year; they can’t afford it! (Behavior). His bewildered wife asks why on earth he is saying this since they have saved for the vacation, and all their expenses are already covered. An argument ensues and as they both drive off to work, they both feel angry and frustrated. (Consequence).
If you were to ask Robert what was wrong, he would likely tell you about the news event, how it “made him feel” and go on a rant about how bad things are and how he wouldn’t be at all surprised if his employer would lay him off at any time. As he sees it the bad news is responsible for his bad mood and it doesn’t help that his wife “just doesn’t get it.” Her head is obviously stuck in the sand or she would be ready to cancel their vacation too because it is a frivolous waste of money, in light of how bad things are.
If Robert were aware of his own thought-emotion chain, he could see that he is reacting to the news story and that he has other options. There are no doubt many other people who saw the same news story and had very different reactions to it. It isn’t the trigger event itself that causes Robert’s misery; it is his thoughts about it that are responsible. If he becomes aware and challenges his thoughts, beliefs and assumptions, it is possible to have a perfectly fine day, be in a good mood and continue planning the vacation with his wife.
When you hear yourself make comments such as, “You make me really mad!” or “You make me really happy!” or “So-and-so is driving me crazy!” or “Such and such made me worry all day,” pay attention because you have just zipped down the Trigger Event-Thought-Emotion-Behavior-Consequence chain of events.
The truth is that no one and nothing can “make” you feel anything. Each of us is responsible for the emotions we feel and what we do with them. If the responsibility seems daunting, when you challenge yourself to pay attention and change them, you will feel much more empowered. And isn’t that what we are going for?
” The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’.” ~Dan Rather~
Do you remember a favorite teacher? Or maybe you were fortunate enough to have several. Those gifted women and men who had a mission in life, and were able to connect with you in a way that gave you a mission too, at least for a little while. Even if you don’t remember the facts they taught (I was right when I said I would have no use for algebra!) your mind was expanded and perhaps most importantly because she or he cared about you and the kind of human being you could become.
Fortunately we don’t have to be in a formal education setting to find a teacher with a valuable lesson. They may come in the guise of a boss or a mentor. I have been surprised to find them in the children I have known. Sometimes the most poignant and yes, painful lessons, have come with the experience of being a parent.
The greatest gift of relationships in general is that they hold a mirror up to reflect our own image, and if we are willing students we learn a lot through them. Although we prefer our pleasant and close relationships, the conflicts that inevitably surface are true teaching moments. If we can get out of the angry blaming mode and take a good look in the mirror, we will catch a glimpse of truth about ourselves that we haven’t seen before.
There are patterns in those conflicts that are telling. And because the patterns tend to repeat over the years, we could look at our part in them and learn something valuable. Maybe the strangest teacher of all is that person that you really can’t stand. The one that gets on your last nerve. The one you find yourself ranting about to your friends or in your own head. They have qualities that you reject, even find repellant.
This is dark stuff. Dark in the way that Carl Jung called the shadow. Not necessarily evil, but rather “in the dark.” That stuff we can see readily in other people, but not in ourselves. As a matter of fact, Jung said that true evil was in not facing our own shadow. We tend to defend against looking at that uncomfortable dark stuff by projecting it onto others and getting self-righteous about how we are not like them.
The next time you are poked by this “sharp stick” try this: repeat the phrase “just like me.” For instance I have to confess to some self-righteousness about Hummer owners, and when I saw them on the road, I would mutter to myself about how they are a part-of- the-posterior-that-we-don’t-say-out-loud-in-polite-company, if you get my drift. I started adding “…just like me,” to the end of the name I was calling them, and immediately had to laugh.
The next time you are arguing or complaining, try this. “You are an idiot…just like me.” “You are lazy…just like me.” “Harry is irresponsible…just like me.” “Republicans (or Democrats or Christians or Jews or Europeans are _________ just like me.” The effect of this is immediate in that it releases anger, fear and judgment, at least for the moment. And in that moment a little light will shine into your own shadow. And if you are brave enough to look, you might see something about yourself that on the surface, may seem ugly. But when fully explored may hold the keys to your own emotional freedom.
The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about. After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared. So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it. And he’s complaining a lot.
Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story. Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.
It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago. It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food. What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude. Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned. His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed. He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.
Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted. It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job. I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times. I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.
Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs. After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist. She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning. She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet. She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.
Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time. She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along. She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them. On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.
She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them. I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers. I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.
When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends? I know I do. And I feel happy about sending them more business.
When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people? When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand? There are at least three good reasons to do that.
When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have. No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in. Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams. If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now! No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place. I urge you to do so.
My morning routine usually begins with “Morning Edition” on National Public Radio. The other morning an interview caught my ear, in particular because it dealt with psychology and a training program for soldiers to deal with stress and prevent PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The Army instituted the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness after they became concerned in 2006 about the increasing incidence of PTSD and suicide.
While the stories of returning soldiers have brought PTSD to the foreground in the public awareness, it is a psychological disorder that is common with trauma survivors whether they have been in combat, suffered from domestic abuse, sexual assault or even an automobile accident. The increasing incidence of it in returning vets and their stressed families have made finding effective treatments more urgent. Of course as Benjamin Franklin knew, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so if we can be trained to build resilience, decrease stress and avoid PTSD, so much the better.
Why does this pertain to you and to all of us? Because we are all affected to some degree or other by stress in our lives. Whether we are subjected to some life changing event or an ongoing, unresolved conflict or pressure, stress is detrimental to health and happiness. We know that it lowers the functioning of the immune system and thus plays hob with every kind of chronic physical and psychological disorder.
Of course most of the causes of stress, and the prevention and treatment of it, occur between our ears. When we are pessimistic or negative in our thinking, we are highly vulnerable to it. Most of the time it isn’t the outer circumstances that are the culprit, but the way we think about it, or what we are telling ourselves about it. If you hear yourself on a rant to someone else, or in your own head, realize that you are “awfulizing” and causing yourself stress.
Of course if you are in combat or a car accident, that is no doubt a negative circumstance! So let’s get to the prevention part. A part of the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program teaches soldiers to Hunt the Good Stuff. To quote Sergeant 1st Class Michael Ballard, one of the trainers in the program, “One of the things is what we call Hunt the Good Stuff. And it’s something that we can do every day and it helps to build our optimism. Research shows that if you’re an optimistic person you’re going to live longer, you’re going to be happier. I mean isn’t that what grandma always said? You know grandma used always said count your blessings and look at those things.”
Reminds me a lot of the gratitude list in which you can write down 10 things at the end (or beginning) of every day that you are grateful for. And while doing that to allow yourself to really FEEL grateful.
Another version of “Hunt the Good Stuff” is an assignment I like to give to folks who are struggling in relationships with spouses or children, which I call “Catch them doing something right.” The object is the same: notice the qualities or behaviors that you like in that person and express appreciation for it. It quickly begins to change your own attitude for the better, and soon you are reinforcing and increasing the positive behaviors in that other person that you want to see.
It is so easy to pick out what is wrong and to run with it! It’s a short trip from there to imagining the worst, getting into conversations with other people and playing a big old game of “Ain’t it Awful?” Even if you keep your pessimism to yourself, you are going to set off a severe round of “monkey mind” and scare yourself or put yourself in a deep funk. And of course the more we do that the more we can find that everything is just awful and stressful and difficult.
Looking for positive things in your life will help you recover more quickly when things do go wrong. Finding what you are grateful for builds optimism and strength. “What we are trying to do here is to allow soldiers to make sense of what is happening, focus on what they can control, and not catastrophize(ph) and go into a downward spiral,” said the program’s director, Brig. Gen. James Pasquarette.
What is important to remember is that optimism can be learned or practiced, and that in doing so, you will improve your health and happiness in every aspect of your life. You can build your resilience so that when bad things do happen, you will be better equipped to cope and to recover your balance and well-being.
If you would like to read or listen to the NPR interview, here is the link:
http://www.npr.org/2012/01/08/144862810/classes-teach-soldiers-to-be-army-strong
It seems that the holiday season brings up the opportunities and sometimes obligations to observe many personal, family and religious rituals. As I wrote in the previous blog post, these rituals are important for anchoring us in our lives in meaningful ways, connecting us with our “tribes” and can be healing.
If you ask almost anyone where they will be on a big holiday, they will tell you how they celebrate, with whom they spend that day and what they like or dislike the most about it. Some people feel bound to these traditions and rituals, even when they don’t fit any more. They feel stressed or burdened by them, and sometimes find them empty of meaning even though at one time they didn’t.
Margie was telling me about the traditional ethnic dinner she made every year for her family. When she was a child her mother and aunt had made the same dinner, and her grandmother before them. It was customary to invite friends, relatives and neighbors to come. As the elders passed on, Margie took it upon herself to continue the tradition. She asked siblings to help her, but for one reason or another, they seldom did, and yet everyone wanted the usual dinner to be part of the holiday celebration. The preparation took several days, expense and extra effort because it needed to be done ahead of time and transported to the family home hours away from where Margie lives.
After expressing some dread and resentment for all her efforts, we discussed her need to continue something that she clearly wasn’t enjoying. What was she getting out of it? If she didn’t do it, how would she feel? What other options did she have? How can she replace resentment, stress and anxiety with joy?
Exploring these questions led to some thought about what really makes the holiday personally meaningful to Margie. Even though the old traditional dinner held wonderful memories for her, she was no longer experiencing joy and happiness from continuing it. Margie was able to identify several other things that made the season exciting and meaningful to her and realized that she was so concerned about what she “had to get done,” that she wasn’t doing any of them! No wonder she was irritated and tired! She also realized that trying to meet what she imagined other people expected of her was really making her miserable.
Can you relate to Margie’s situation? How can you honor your own needs as well as those of people you love by weeding out rituals or practices that no longer feed your soul? And what might you add that would really nurture your spirit, connect you with family and friends in a meaningful way?
You might ask other people what they do that they really love, if you need ideas. I invite you to change what no longer serves you and to experiment with new rituals and practices that fill your life with light and love.
With the winter season approaching and the holidays coming with it, there seem to be a lot of traditions that are filled with rituals that we return to year after year. Some of them we do out of obligation, and some we might like to dispense with altogether. Whether we participate with eager anticipation or with resignation, the function of rituals in life is important.
Rituals seem to somehow anchor us in life. There is a sort of shorthand to understanding who we are and where we fit into our family, religious or social group. And while the rituals may be unique or very generally recognized and practiced, we instantly respond emotionally and sometimes spiritually.
In a world that seems sometimes to be changing with lightning speed, there is something comforting in taking the time and effort to share a meal featuring “the usual” food with people we know and love, even when liking them may be a challenge. Every family has their way of celebrating, and when new members are added, they are oriented to the rituals, and may bring their own to share.
When family relationships are strained, it can be a challenge to gather and be civil to one another, yet the sharing of holiday customs can be healing in that they remind us of history, experiences and values that we still have in common. Usually we may discover that we have much more in common with each other than the differences that divide us.
Children benefit from rituals and ought to be included in preparations according to their abilities. Did you know that something as simple as sitting at his/her own place at the table is a ritual that has been shown to make a huge advantage in children’s development? The rituals that the family observes help to anchor a child in life and to help them feel more secure with a sense of belonging.
And in fact, they help to make us all feel secure. For those who are going through challenging times, we may feel some comfort in observing traditions that go back to our earlier years. And as we grow and develop, we may discover that we need to develop new rituals that express our faith, our self and our love for each other.
I hope that you will be intentional in how you decide to celebrate. Consider what would be most meaningful to you, and discuss these ideas with those close to you. Be mindful of your needs and feel free to express yourself. Where ever and however you choose to celebrate, I wish you love and joy.
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