Choose Life

Posted on October 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive,
and go do it. Because what the world needs is people
who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman~

Candace was in my office last week, talking about her job and whether she should apply for a new position that had been posted. She was unsure that she qualified and whether she had a chance since she was just promoted a year ago. She would like the pay increase and the title would look good on her resume, but wasn’t sure that she would actually enjoy the tasks of the new position or the people she would be working with.

Candace is a young woman with a strong work ethic who complains about her job a lot. But she does like most of her co-workers, the tasks she does in her present job, and the reliability of working for a large public agency. Some of her co-workers have been there for 30 years. She is comfortable there and knows what to expect.

After a bit of considering what she would have to lose by applying for the promotion (nothing really), I asked her what she imagines she might be doing in 5 years, or 10 years. Could she see herself there 25 years down the road? She was silent as she considered my question. Finally she replied that she really had no idea.

So I will ask you, the reader, the same question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 years? What are the chances that you will be loving your life and what you are doing with it?

If we think about this at all, we often see it within the framework of a career or job. That’s fine, but expand the frame a bit to consider all aspects of your life. And then ask a second question: what brings you to life? What is it that enlivens you? Do you see yourself doing more of what brings you to life in your future? This is important because the questions and answers will make all the difference in the quality of your life.

Happy people tend to be involved in doing what they feel passionate about. They spend a good bit of time pursuing something that matters to them or has meaning to them. And passionate people tend to live longer, healthier lives.

This does not always necessarily correlate to your job or career, but even better if it does. Wouldn’t it be great to be one of those people who say they are so lucky to be paid for what they love to do? Or to be so passionate about what you are doing that getting a paycheck is icing on the cake?

However some may express and explore their passions through a hobby or through education that may or may not lead to a career change. Perhaps learning more about what intrigues you and teaching or telling others about it expresses your passion. You may also volunteer in a position that allows you to express your passion.

If you don’t already know, how can you discover your passion? Here are some things to consider. Write down your observations of the following:

Focus on what you appreciate in yourself, in others and in life in general.
Recall a time or experience when you felt happy. Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your environment?
What are you doing when you feel energized?
When do you feel most alert, aware or engaged?
The last time you were telling someone something that you were enthusiastic about, what was it?
Complete this exercise in your journal: If you were to wake up some morning, and by some miracle, everything in your life was just as you would want it to be, how would it be? Describe everything in detail and don’t leave anything out. What are you feeling as you write this?
What are your core values? What is most important to you?

Because the questions are such important ones, I encourage you to dedicate some time and attention to exploring them. The quality of your life depends on it. If you choose to live intentionally, and I hope that you do, thinking about them and discussing your insights with others will be helpful and stimulating.

For further help, you may want to buy a book called The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. Interesting and fun to use, it is thought-provoking and will shed more light on your quest for self-understanding and a richer life.

Sorting Lead From Gold

Posted on September 16, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only
with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential
is invisible to the eye.”
~Antoine de Sainte-Exupery~

Fall is around the corner and wherever you live, you are probably aware of the changes that are underway. Most of us in the developed world, ever more engaged in technology, may live in ways that seem disconnected from nature. But of course we are not.

After all we are animals, and our lives are just as dependent and intertwined with the natural world as the migrating birds, butterflies and squirrels. The trees outside my window are beginning to drop their leaves, even though just a few of the outer branches have begun to change color. They have served their purpose for the growing season, and are no longer needed.

There’s a clue in that for us I think. Our lives have seasons of development and growth, as well as periods of rest and renewal. What is valuable, necessary and useful in one season is not in another. There are parallels in human life to those leaves which once were green, verdant and vital but then turn color and are dropped to the ground.

We may be tempted to hang onto them out of sentiment or not notice that they are no longer useful to us. Sometimes we are oblivious to what is going on right under our very noses! Or inside our minds and hearts, for that matter. Practicing mindfulness will tune you in to the immediacy of your state of mind and how your body feels as well as what is going on around you.

When you do, you can ask yourself what is valuable to you right now and what is not. It is important to ask yourself questions about what you want in your life and what kind of human being you intend to be. After all we are always in the process of Becoming, as Carl Rogers, humanistic psychologist, put it. And what was gold in your life 10 or 20 years ago might have turned to lead today.

Be discerning. That is what the energy of fall is all about. Assessing and clearing out is essential to the seasons of growth ahead. And what we are shedding and discarding may take on new usefulness and form, just as it does in nature. The dropped leaves become fertilizer for the plants and the tree’s growth in seasons to come. The dropped acorns feed animals and become the seed of new generations of trees.

If the lead in your life is in the form of an old negative pattern of thought and behavior, it is possible to release and replace it. You may quit making excuses for it and enjoy the gold of new patterns that will move you ahead in the life you desire. If it takes the form of old clothing, papers, books or other possessions, you can donate or recycle them and others will benefit too.

As you proceed in your sorting, discarding and organizing, you will notice a renewed energy within you. You will open up some space for being, thinking and creating. New inspiration will come as well as new insight. It’s okay to miss what is missing, although I doubt that you will grieve long. You may feel the need for rest and renewal (just as nature does) while you appreciate the beauty and tune into the messages of what new gold your life requires.

Are You Playing A Role in Your Relationships?

Posted on August 23, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” e.e.cummings

It seems to me that one of the greatest challenges that we face in the process of adult growth and development is figuring out how to manage the roles that we play. And maybe more importantly, to recognize that we are MORE than the roles that we play and to grow beyond them.

Most of us play more than one role. We identify ourselves as son or daughter, mother or father, wife, husband, friend. And then we identify with the role of what we do: nurse, teacher, business owner, artist, carpenter, engineer or musician.

These roles provide a sort of behavioral structure in which we function, and also a kind of shorthand for our identity and a way of expressing a way in which others recognize us. What is the first question that people usually ask after meeting you? “What do you do?” A safe and easy way to open a conversation because most of us have our identity wrapped up in our occupations.

It wouldn’t occur to anyone to answer that question with, “Well, I meditated this morning, went fishing, played ball with my dog, shoveled the sidewalk, or weeded my garden, patched up a quarrel with my wife, comforted my sick neighbor, made the best soup of my life.” These are all “doing” activities after all. And they really may shed more light on our true identity than our occupation does.

In most family relationships we play roles that are more specialized than the general ones of father, mother, brother, sister. And we unconsciously continue to play out those roles in our adult relationships; even in the workplace. (Have you ever noticed how like a family a network of co-workers becomes?)

The most common role formations form a Victim Triangle of Victim, Perpetrator and Rescuer. It isn’t possible to have a Victim without the other two roles being a part of the equation. This pattern is all about struggling for power and control. Members of the relationship move around that triangle, creating drama and unhappiness.

The struggle of the Victim Triangle ranges from the subtle to the grossly obvious. Everyone will recognize the Triangle at work in cases of domestic violence or child abuse. It is obvious that someone is a Perpetrator (misusing power), that there is a Victim (one without power) and a Rescuer (one who saves the day, at least momentarily). What we often don’t recognize are the more subtle dramas that play out over and over again.
Here are some variations you may recognize and maybe even identify with. A boss or supervisor who micro-manages, criticizes and withholds praise or recognition, fails to offer incentives for success, has an attitude of “It’s my way or the highway!” and generally creates an atmosphere of fear and insecurity. An employee who hates his job but stays there year after year because he is convinced that there is nothing better out there and after all his pay and benefits are good. A parent of an adult child who keeps co-signing loans, offering bail-outs for a son who loses jobs or refuses to look for one because the “right one” hasn’t come along. And a husband who controls the money and a wife who silences herself and puts up with it even though she feels resentful and hurt. Notice that we don’t have to have broken bones, bruises or police intervention to live on the Victim Triangle!

Carl Jung taught that we develop personaes around the roles that we play, and that they come from an unmet need or trauma.
Webster defines personaes as the mask or façade presented to satisfy the demands of the situation or the environment and not representing the inner personality of the individual; the public personality. It is also a person’s perceived or evident personality, as that of a well-known official, actor, or celebrity; personal image; public role.

Often our awakening to the presence of this role playing or personaes comes in the wake of a personal or relationship crisis. Emotional pain, physical illness or a spiritual breakdown results after years of role playing, making it impossible to continue in the same old way. And when that happens, we have a choice to make: either stop, take a time out to explore our lives and ask what is going on; or plow ahead out of fear and continue to repeat the patterns over again.

It seems to me that we can get a repeated smack on the side of the head, play Victim and blame life circumstances in general, or other people specifically. To quote Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you?” Or we can choose to take courage in hand (because it DOES take courage to look in the mirror and not avert your gaze) and find help in asking and answering those vital questions that will unmask us and open up the possibilities of becoming more fully and richly human.

The choice is yours.

A Map to Health And Success

Posted on August 5, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
~Carl Jung~

We live in a world where our attention is always in demand. My email program has ads running at the top, on the sides, some of them moving and some flashing. We are constantly checking our phones, looking to see who is calling or texting. Reading new email messages that come in, searching for directions or looking for bargains and making restaurant reservations. We are reading books or playing Angry Birds, listening to music or processing some kind of information nearly constantly.

The images that flash past us are a more rapid version of images that we are very familiar with from the movies, television and magazines. With them we begin to piece together the “ideal” life. Pictures of what we are supposed to look like, feel like, and what our lifestyles should be.

It may be the woman in the pencil skirt and jacket, holding a briefcase, hailing a cab on a busy city street. Or a man leading a business meeting in a corporate board room. Then an image of both of them, handsome and beautiful, with the requisite 2.5 children and the golden retriever, relaxing in their beautifully appointed home.

Most of us have a nagging sense of uneasiness when we look at them. Even though we have bought into the underlying message and are busily buying the products that ostensibly got them this ideal life.

The goals you have set for your life may be possibly heavily influenced by these messages and pictures. Your notion of success, in other words, may possibly be dictated by all those bits of information streaming through your day. Are you fully conscious of them? Do you stop to ask what values they express? Have you ever turned everything off and sat in the silence by yourself?

For some that is an outlandish and frightening idea. On those occasions when I suggest it, I often get a reply that “Someone may be trying to contact me!” Yes, Someone is. Mother Culture is whispering in your ear.

The problem is not that you want to be a success. After all, my work has been dedicated to helping people build happier lives by removing the impediments of beliefs and behaviors which are blocking them. I’m enthusiastically all for success! But you cannot find the answers to that from your Blackberry or Madison Avenue. It’s not possible to find the perfect man/ woman/ child/ career/ bank account/ social group/ Jimmy Choo shoes that will fix it for you.

What I would like to say is that what determines your success has to begin with a deep understanding of who you are. And this is an ongoing process that will continue throughout your life span. In other words, it is never completed. Until your life on earth is completed, and who knows? Maybe not even then.

As Carl Jung points out, we must look inward (search our hearts) to see enough to take the journey ahead. We must discover what matters most to us, what our passions are, what our strengths and our weaknesses are. How have we created the life we already have? And that means being brave enough to tolerate being in the shadows, feeling scared, vulnerable and uncertain.

The ego loves being certain, right and righteous! In some sense, it’s much easier to avoid the “abyss” and endlessly look to those people and things that “should” make us happy and feel safe. And when they don’t, criticizing and blaming them and going off to look for the “right” person or the next thing.

That is how many live their lives. And certainly they have a right to do that. Personally, I believe that while they avoid the “abyss” by avoiding the hard questions and the silence and space that is required to hear answers, the mysteries still await them. And they will bumble around, running into walls until they must stop because their energies or bodies are exhausted.

I would like to invite you to do the work that is at times daunting, but ultimately inspiring, energizing and meaningful. There are resources, people, tools and signs along the road that will point the way. And you can develop your innate intuition; learn to listen to that still, small, voice to design your own success and the life that you desire.

Releasing Pain

Posted on July 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

Do you have any physical pain in your body on a regular basis?
If so, how do you think it limits your enjoyment of life and what would it be
like if it were gone?
I want to share a great resource with you today, something that if you’re in
any kind of pain right now, can dramatically change the quality of your life for the
better.
It’s a video on how you can use EFT Tapping right now to eliminate physical
pain.
If you experience any kind of pain in your body whether if be long term chronic
pain, pain from a recurring sports injury, or just a pain that popped up yesterday
then you need to watch this video.
It can give you rapid results in a way that you likely don’t even think is
possible right now.
Check it out, tap along, and see how your pain improves. You’ll be glad
you did. http://tinyurl.com3jzv52n

I know that if you’re in pain you’re likely willing to do anything to get out
of it and gain your freedom back.
The good news about tapping is that it’s easy to do and you can do it yourself
and see immediate results.
The results you’ll get from tapping along with this video will speak for themselves.
Enjoy the video and let me know what results you get.

If you know of anybody that is in physical pain please pass this resource on.
Having to deal with physical pain on a daily basis can be absolutely debilitating.
Finding a solution that eliminates it can give a person back their freedom to live
their life the way they want.
Just by passing this email along you may be giving somebody that freedom.
http:/tinyurl.com/3jzv52n

How To Build Self Confidence

Posted on July 25, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Every adversity, every failure and every heart ache carries with it the seed
of an equivalent or a greater benefit.” ~Napoleon Hill~

A man we will call James was feeling really frustrated in getting a new business off the ground. His wife was frustrated too, and was applying some pressure for James to give up the notion of being his own boss and to get a job that would pay the bills. She had been listening to his dreams of his business and was about at the point of telling him his ideas were pie-in-the-sky and to get over it.

He knew what was required to succeed; he certainly had the expertise. Having worked in the same field for 15 years more than qualified him in terms of knowledge and experience. He had arranged for financing and had the money he had been saving for just this purpose. But now he was paying money out as overhead, and nothing was coming in.

The only job he had ever gotten fired from had been one of the first ones he had. When he was in college, he was hired by a home painting contractor to go door to door soliciting business. After an enthusiastic start, James very quickly felt deflated by the doors slammed in his face! After a couple of weeks of only one lead, the contractor told him he obviously wasn’t cut out for business and that he was fired.

Now here he was, all these years later and he still felt humiliated every time he thought of it. He told himself that now he would tell that guy a thing or two, but he was still afraid that what he had heard was true.

James knew that the first essential steps included getting some business owners to sign up for his services. Every night before going to bed he looked over the list of potential customers and planned to get out and introduce himself. And every morning something else of an “urgent” nature came up that he did instead. As the pressure mounted, the less likely he seemed to contact potential customers.

Let’s check in with James six months later. He is attending a luncheon meeting of Rotary and has introduced himself, telling the audience about himself and the business that he owns. He has practiced this brief but informative little speech, and notices that people are listening attentively and smiling as he makes eye contact.

By now he has a good number of customers who are happy with his services, and many of the referrals that he gets every week are from these pleased customers. He read some comments and reviews on his business website that are great testimonials that he can use in marketing his business.

Best of all, he is meeting his income goals every month, and is contributing again to the household account. His wife is relieved and is expressing support for James to continue growing his business. In the evenings, when James makes his work plans for the next day, he feels confident that he will achieve the steps he has outlined to reach his goals.

So you might well ask what happened. How did James achieve his goals? How did he build self confidence and succeed? And more to the point, how can you overcome your failures from the past and build self confidence yourself?

Begin by becoming aware of limiting beliefs that have come from past experiences or failures. This may take some uncovering because it is natural to defend against feeling or recognizing them. A journal can be a helpful tool.
How are those beliefs showing up in your life? What would be be, have or do if you weren’t encumbered with them? How are you stopping yourself from success?
If you have trouble getting clear about either of the above, ask for feedback from someone you trust. Sometimes others can see self defeating patterns in us more clearly than we do. If you don’t trust anyone with this, find a therapist or counselor who can help you.
Learn EFT or Meridian Tapping to work through the emotional beliefs that are stopping you. Hypnosis has also been proven to be a really effective approach to building self esteem and self confidence.
Set goals that will be a stretch, and yet are reasonably achievable. Make sure they are specific, measurable and have a time limit. Then plan small steps to do every day that will move you toward the goal. Self confidence comes from taking action, and appreciating yourself for that action. Don’t wait for others to see it; reward yourself!
Avoid being perfectionistic. You must allow for mistakes because they are valuable for correcting your course and learning what you need to learn. Yes, that is uncomfortable, yet inevitable. So make your peace with it and move on. If you can’t value and allow for mistakes, then you will become stuck and frozen again…getting nowhere.

Most of all, pay attention. Observe yourself and when you recognize a practice that works, then repeat it. As you are able to appreciate yourself you will see your self confidence soar.

Imagination and Authentic Happiness

Posted on July 22, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination
is out of focus.” ~Mark Twain~

There’s a lot to be said for keen eyesight. One of my cohorts at breakfast this morning commented when her cell phone rang that she needed “a younger pair of eyes” to see the small digits on the caller ID. After passing a certain age (sooner than you think!) you may be reaching for those little reading glasses to read your cell phone or order from the menu.

As frustrating as that may be, we are more often plagued by a different type of focusing problem. And our happiness may well depend on sharpening it. Our imagination is sometimes called “the mind’s eye,” a term that I like for its descriptiveness.

Positive Psychology is known for identifying a person’s strengths and then building upon them. And in Positive Psychology circles, you will hear much mention of authentic happiness. Maybe best defined as your “inner state,” as opposed to fleeting moments of excitement or anticipation of some event, thing or person outside ourselves that pleases us.

We’re all familiar with that kind of happiness because it is what keeps us looking for the next best shiny object to buy or follow or seduce. As long as that person or object is pleasing us, we think we are happy. But it doesn’t last long, and then we’re off to find the next one. Some people never stop chasing and hoping for the next best thing. And of course are repeatedly disappointed or broke or both.

What’s wrong with this picture?

It doesn’t address the deeper needs of you as a human being. Authentic happiness, although elusive to define, has much more to do with how you feel about yourself (proud or ashamed), whether you feel that your life has purpose, how much you are engaged in your work and your life, whether you feel connected to other people or not, whether most of the time you consider yourself to be in a good mood or not. And also whether you deem yourself to be a success or not. Do you feel the world is better off for having you in it?

Another way to think about it is whether you are pleased with your general state of well being. Do you have enough energy to do what is important to you? Do you live in pain, or do you have relatively little pain? (I mean emotional as well as physical pain).

If in your estimation, you are generally lacking in one or more of these areas, you may well invest some time and resources in changing your life. And you are going to need your mind’s eye or imagination to do it. And whether you realize it or not, you are already using it…to either good effect or bad.

You may be wondering just what your inner vision or imagination has to do with this. When we’re unhappy we usually are much better at saying what we DON’T want instead of what we DO want. If that’s the case for you, then go with it. Write down what you DON’T want, and then write its opposite, and you will see more clearly what you DO want in your life. Or what kind of human being you DO want to be.

After seeing more clearly what you DO value or desire, then ask yourself “What will I be doing, feeling, being when I achieve __________?” Take some time with this step. Create the picture, or better yet, a mental movie. For instance, when you are having a closer relationship with your spouse, where will you be? What will you be doing? What emotions will you be feeling? Really allow yourself to fully feel those emotions, just as you would if you were watching your favorite movie.

Remember, your unconscious mind cannot tell that it is watching a movie, either in a theater or in your mental theater! And while your conscious mind knows that you are sitting in your living room with your eyes closed imagining this, the real powerhouse for driving your motivation and indeed your life, is your unconscious mind!

Just as with your physical eyes, your mind’s eye or imagination, will guide you on your path. If you want to have a happier life or be a healthier person, this inner vision must be clear. Know what you are shooting for by clarifying the target. And if you are imagining what you are afraid of and do not want, then STOP IT! Really, stop it and refocus on what you DO intend. Keep practicing until your vision is sharp and clear, and then keep practicing.