Asking the Question

Posted on January 6, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

“You will go where you look.”
~Jay Stockwell~

For those who are regular readers it will come as no surprise to you that central to my philosophy, is a belief that we are personally responsible for the quality of our lives. As a matter of fact, the more accountable we are for our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices and outcomes, the healthier and happier we generally are.

The beginning of every year offers us a natural period of time for assessing where we are and what we would like to be doing for the coming twelve months. Of course there are skeptics who reject making plans for change. That may be born of perfectionism: “In the past I “relapsed” into old patterns and gave up, so what’s the use of trying again?”

I get that. True change takes imagination, courage and persistence. Many don’t have the stomach for it, or the patience. It is easier to be on autopilot, going to work every day, putting up with however we find it, complaining about what we don’t like, going through the same routine every night, going to sleep, getting up and doing it all over again.

Often our relationships, social lives and leisure time are functioning in the same way. Taking for granted those we live with, complaining about and to them, and running through the same old conflicts. Meeting the same people for the same activities, zoning out in front of the television or surfing the web for hours on end.

I call it sleep walking through life. Killing time. It’s truly a deadly way to live.

I have heard from a number of people that they are bored, lacking energy and enthusiasm, maybe depressed. They may be doing things, but only because they are expected to do them or are supposed to or “have to” do them. If you find yourself in the same boat, I encourage you to ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Observe yourself if you would rather blame life circumstances or someone else for your funk. That’s the easy way out. Blaming your boss or the company, your spouse, kids or the weather may be comfortable because it gets you off the hook from having to take responsibility or action. So if you write a question such as “When is my boss going to recognize my work and give me the raise I deserve?” you are barking up the wrong tree! You have no control or say over what your boss does. And believe it or not, your discontent is not caused by him or her.

Also avoid asking “Why?” As in “Why am I afraid to change jobs?” That will take you down the path of explaining, telling yourself endless stories and justifying your unhappiness. Insight may be great but it doesn’t change anything in and of itself. You may come to see that you got lots of messages in your family about how important it is to play it safe, never change jobs or challenge authority. But what are you going to do about it?

Instead, ask yourself “What “and “How.” As in “What is going on with me feeling so fatigued and unhappy?” Or “How am I contributing to my dissatisfaction at work?” Or “What is my part in this conflict?” Or “What would bring more meaning to my life?” “How do I need to change so that I am enjoying my life (or work, or relationship)?” You notice also that these are “I” questions. They aren’t about how to get someone else to change so that you can finally be happy!

There are other great questions to ask yourself and to explore. “Who am I?” “What brings me to life?” “What am I truly grateful for?” “What do I truly value, and how can I express those values?”

These valuable questions bring you to some answers as to what you need. And they can point to action you can take. Notice though that this isn’t the end of the story because as you continue on through your life, the situation and your needs are going to change. I encourage you to continue to ask the questions and to listen to yourself and the answers that come up. As your experiences develop new awareness, skills and abilities, the questions will bring up different answers.

The process will serve you well, help keep you healthy and happy and involved in a meaningful and rewarding life.

New Beginnings

Posted on January 2, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

Happy New Year! Yesterday I read a joke that went something like this. An optimist is someone who stays up late on New Year’s Eve to welcome in the New Year. A pessimist is someone who stays up late to make sure that the old year is gone.

Regardless of how the old year was for you, there is something about looking at the new one as a sort of clean slate, not yet written on or scuffed up by the whirl of world events. Just prior to the turn of the calendar I like to take some time to look back through my journal to see where I was and whether there are any patterns that I can observe.

Do you make resolutions for the year ahead? Or do you have goals that carry over? Do you think that resolutions and goals are the same thing? I think there is a difference in that resolutions are more often wishes for how our lives could be different, but there is often not a lot of thought for how that might be implemented. And as a result, resolutions often fall by the wayside. Before long the gym membership has come to naught or the home gym is serving as a clothing rack.

Goals, on the other hand, are intentions that have a plan that can be implemented, with support and accountability a part of it. Goals have action “baby steps” that will certainly take you to the desired outcome. Goals begin with imagining the outcome, move to how they can be implemented, and are characterized by action.

For a number of years my goals have been pretty much the same. One big goal I accomplished several months ago. For several others I can see some progress, and with one I haven’t even gotten out of the gate. It seems that willingness to change is a key ingredient, which means willingness to do something different! Maybe that’s another difference between a resolution and a goal. Most of us would like our lives to be different, but it’s rarer to be willing to get out of our comfortable grooves and actually BE different!

So here’s my approach to reaching my goals in the New Year. It boils down to two major components. 1) Take more action. 2) Take time more consistently (daily) to unplug, quiet myself, meditate, and open myself to inspiration. Taking action consistently is a challenge for me. I can “think and read and learn” about what I want to accomplish ad nauseam. I once thought my ideal job would be thinking up great ideas, (if only someone would pay me for that). While learning and thinking about things is important, without taking action, it can be paralyzing.

Dr. Jeanette Cates recently wrote a post about the imbalance that results from continuing to collect more information without taking action to express yourself or move toward your goal. She advises to quit it and instead take some small action every day until you can gain momentum and see progress. I hear you, Jeanette.

This two step approach also is satisfying in psychological terms. Carl Jung taught that humans have both feminine energy and masculine energy. The feminine is taking in, conceiving, being receptive; the masculine is moving forward, taking action, implementing what has been conceived. The healthier we are the better balance between these energies we have. On the contrary, if we are all action, our results are going to be shallow, repetitive, lacking in meaning and poorly thought out. If we are all conception, then our poems or paintings will stay in the attic and the world will never see them.

So that’s my plan for the New Year. I will be reporting to my accountability partners and keeping notes so that I can keep track of where I am and take corrective action when I come off the rails (which I undoubtedly will, being human and all). I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, and invite you to leave a comment.

However you choose to proceed, I hope you remember that you are a unique and gifted human being with all the power you need to make a difference in the world. Despite the problems that confront us, there is great beauty all around you, and I hope that you know that you are a part of it.

Seasonal Light

Posted on December 19, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

December is the season of light in many ways. The Christmas star and “the coming of the Light” for Christians, and the Menorah for Jews who celebrate the Feast of Lights, are familiar parts of our celebrations. The winter solstice, the longest night, is just days away and will usher in winter.

I hear a lot of comments from folks who dislike getting up in the dark and driving home from work in the dark. Did you know that for some of us, this lack of light exposure has a real effect on our mental health? This goes beyond not liking snow and cold, or short days for that matter. The lack of light actually results in Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD for a significant part of the population.

It took years for me to figure out that I am one of those affected people. I knew I didn’t like winter, although I couldn’t say that it was snow or even the cold that bothered me. As it turns out, it really is a depression complete with symptoms that accompany a clinical depression that has been triggered by other causes such as long term stress.

Lack of energy, “brain fog” (my term for a sort of dull, slow cognitive function), sleep and appetite changes (carbohydrate craving anyone?), blue mood, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and lack of sex drive often are common. A high percentage of people with chronic insomnia are depressed.

These symptoms may appear as early as late September and last until sometime in March, when the days are long enough to give us adequate light exposure. SAD may be treated as any depression, with an increase in exercise and possibly even medication. But the easiest, most effective and least invasive way to solve the problem is with light therapy.

This requires full spectrum light, just as the sun has. Incandescent lighting that is typical for home use won’t work because they lack the full spectrum. Placing full spectrum bulbs on the ceiling in place of fluorescent lighting is also not effective because it it too far from the eyes to work.

The source of the light must be close enough to pass through the retina of the eye, which means your face should be about 12-18 inches from the source of the light. The best way to do this is with a light box which was made for just this purpose. There may be an advantage to having the light above the center of vision, at an angle, as a desk light might be. You may read or write while you use the light, preferably for 30 minutes in the morning.

Research has shown that light therapy is highly effective for folks suffering from SAD. Some will find an added benefit to taking Vitamin B-12. It is not recommended that you use the light late in the day or you may have trouble sleeping.

The best resource for high quality light boxes is http://www.sunbox.com/ which is recognized by the National Institutes of Health. They partnered with NIH in the research on the treatment of SAD, have been in business for 25 years. I have been using one of their light boxes for over 6 years, and have recommended them to many of my clients. If you contact them, you will find their customer service to be excellent, and they provide a money back guarantee on their products.

If you are feeling tired, glum and having trouble concentrating, using light therapy may be a solution. I highly recommend it, and am happy to read your comments or questions.

A Gift For Yourself

Posted on December 12, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

‘Tis the season, as they say, and most of us are preoccupied with family obligations, social engagements, decorating, cooking and gift giving. I certainly have more things written on my calendar this month than any other time, and I know I’m not alone. The “to do” list can get oppressive if we’re not careful. And doing those things on the list can also be exhausting and stressful.

You may be tempted to just accept that this is the way it is, and to think the stress is inevitable. But I don’t think it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say this is a choice. In the previous two posts I encouraged you to give some conscious thought to what gives meaning to the season to you. I understand the power of culture whispering in your ear, but it is possible to stop and challenge the thinking and resist the pressure to conform to perfectionistic images that you may think you “should” create.

Anyone who has experienced remorse over credit card debt in January may find the motivation to rethink options for gifts. Putting yourself in financial straits is not a healthy or happy practice for you or the recipient of the gift. You have an opportunity to think creatively for pleasing the ones you love. You could offer them a certificate for your services, such as car detailing or babysitting or some other task that they would enjoy. Or it could be for a home made dinner and a game night.

Whatever your holiday tradition, ask yourself what do you enjoy about it the most? Or what might that be if you would really allow yourself to enjoy it? When I asked myself that question, music was the answer. And so I have made it a point to hear more music this year., and to make music myself. Attending live concerts is the best! And I also dug out CD’s that I have stashed away and haven’t heard in a long time.

A friend of mine has been making it a point to really pay attention to her activities and her level of energy. She has avoided over-scheduling activities, and takes plenty of time to eat well, drink plenty of water and to rest. Imagine that! Actually resting! This of course means being willing to prioritize, say no to some invitations and to be mindful of where she is expending her resources of money, time and energy.

Being in touch with friends and family is something else that my be meaningful and important, especially during this season. I know there are lots of jokes about the obnoxious annual Christmas letters in which mom brags about Muffy or Buffy getting into Harvard. But I must say that there are several letters that I look forward to receiving every year, and I really appreciate the time and effort it takes to compose and send them. Knowing that others feel the same way, I consider writing and sending my own to be a gift to some people on my list. If connection is important to you, consider sharing the events of your life over the past year or years, and giving that gift yourself.

Whatever it is that gives this end of the year holiday season special meaning to you, I hope that you will put yourself on your gift list and be generous. It will improve your mood, I promise, and no doubt your health will benefit as well.

Creating New Rituals

Posted on December 1, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

It seems that the holiday season brings up the opportunities and sometimes obligations to observe many personal, family and religious rituals. As I wrote in the previous blog post, these rituals are important for anchoring us in our lives in meaningful ways, connecting us with our “tribes” and can be healing.

If you ask almost anyone where they will be on a big holiday, they will tell you how they celebrate, with whom they spend that day and what they like or dislike the most about it. Some people feel bound to these traditions and rituals, even when they don’t fit any more. They feel stressed or burdened by them, and sometimes find them empty of meaning even though at one time they didn’t.

Margie was telling me about the traditional ethnic dinner she made every year for her family. When she was a child her mother and aunt had made the same dinner, and her grandmother before them. It was customary to invite friends, relatives and neighbors to come. As the elders passed on, Margie took it upon herself to continue the tradition. She asked siblings to help her, but for one reason or another, they seldom did, and yet everyone wanted the usual dinner to be part of the holiday celebration. The preparation took several days, expense and extra effort because it needed to be done ahead of time and transported to the family home hours away from where Margie lives.

After expressing some dread and resentment for all her efforts, we discussed her need to continue something that she clearly wasn’t enjoying. What was she getting out of it? If she didn’t do it, how would she feel? What other options did she have? How can she replace resentment, stress and anxiety with joy?

Exploring these questions led to some thought about what really makes the holiday personally meaningful to Margie. Even though the old traditional dinner held wonderful memories for her, she was no longer experiencing joy and happiness from continuing it. Margie was able to identify several other things that made the season exciting and meaningful to her and realized that she was so concerned about what she “had to get done,” that she wasn’t doing any of them! No wonder she was irritated and tired! She also realized that trying to meet what she imagined other people expected of her was really making her miserable.

Can you relate to Margie’s situation? How can you honor your own needs as well as those of people you love by weeding out rituals or practices that no longer feed your soul? And what might you add that would really nurture your spirit, connect you with family and friends in a meaningful way?

You might ask other people what they do that they really love, if you need ideas. I invite you to change what no longer serves you and to experiment with new rituals and practices that fill your life with light and love.

Choose Life

Posted on October 29, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive,
and go do it. Because what the world needs is people
who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman~

Candace was in my office last week, talking about her job and whether she should apply for a new position that had been posted. She was unsure that she qualified and whether she had a chance since she was just promoted a year ago. She would like the pay increase and the title would look good on her resume, but wasn’t sure that she would actually enjoy the tasks of the new position or the people she would be working with.

Candace is a young woman with a strong work ethic who complains about her job a lot. But she does like most of her co-workers, the tasks she does in her present job, and the reliability of working for a large public agency. Some of her co-workers have been there for 30 years. She is comfortable there and knows what to expect.

After a bit of considering what she would have to lose by applying for the promotion (nothing really), I asked her what she imagines she might be doing in 5 years, or 10 years. Could she see herself there 25 years down the road? She was silent as she considered my question. Finally she replied that she really had no idea.

So I will ask you, the reader, the same question. Where do you see yourself in 5 years or 10 years? What are the chances that you will be loving your life and what you are doing with it?

If we think about this at all, we often see it within the framework of a career or job. That’s fine, but expand the frame a bit to consider all aspects of your life. And then ask a second question: what brings you to life? What is it that enlivens you? Do you see yourself doing more of what brings you to life in your future? This is important because the questions and answers will make all the difference in the quality of your life.

Happy people tend to be involved in doing what they feel passionate about. They spend a good bit of time pursuing something that matters to them or has meaning to them. And passionate people tend to live longer, healthier lives.

This does not always necessarily correlate to your job or career, but even better if it does. Wouldn’t it be great to be one of those people who say they are so lucky to be paid for what they love to do? Or to be so passionate about what you are doing that getting a paycheck is icing on the cake?

However some may express and explore their passions through a hobby or through education that may or may not lead to a career change. Perhaps learning more about what intrigues you and teaching or telling others about it expresses your passion. You may also volunteer in a position that allows you to express your passion.

If you don’t already know, how can you discover your passion? Here are some things to consider. Write down your observations of the following:

Focus on what you appreciate in yourself, in others and in life in general.
Recall a time or experience when you felt happy. Who were you with? Were you alone? What were you doing? What was your environment?
What are you doing when you feel energized?
When do you feel most alert, aware or engaged?
The last time you were telling someone something that you were enthusiastic about, what was it?
Complete this exercise in your journal: If you were to wake up some morning, and by some miracle, everything in your life was just as you would want it to be, how would it be? Describe everything in detail and don’t leave anything out. What are you feeling as you write this?
What are your core values? What is most important to you?

Because the questions are such important ones, I encourage you to dedicate some time and attention to exploring them. The quality of your life depends on it. If you choose to live intentionally, and I hope that you do, thinking about them and discussing your insights with others will be helpful and stimulating.

For further help, you may want to buy a book called The Passion Test by Janet and Chris Atwood. Interesting and fun to use, it is thought-provoking and will shed more light on your quest for self-understanding and a richer life.

Sorting Lead From Gold

Posted on September 16, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only
with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential
is invisible to the eye.”
~Antoine de Sainte-Exupery~

Fall is around the corner and wherever you live, you are probably aware of the changes that are underway. Most of us in the developed world, ever more engaged in technology, may live in ways that seem disconnected from nature. But of course we are not.

After all we are animals, and our lives are just as dependent and intertwined with the natural world as the migrating birds, butterflies and squirrels. The trees outside my window are beginning to drop their leaves, even though just a few of the outer branches have begun to change color. They have served their purpose for the growing season, and are no longer needed.

There’s a clue in that for us I think. Our lives have seasons of development and growth, as well as periods of rest and renewal. What is valuable, necessary and useful in one season is not in another. There are parallels in human life to those leaves which once were green, verdant and vital but then turn color and are dropped to the ground.

We may be tempted to hang onto them out of sentiment or not notice that they are no longer useful to us. Sometimes we are oblivious to what is going on right under our very noses! Or inside our minds and hearts, for that matter. Practicing mindfulness will tune you in to the immediacy of your state of mind and how your body feels as well as what is going on around you.

When you do, you can ask yourself what is valuable to you right now and what is not. It is important to ask yourself questions about what you want in your life and what kind of human being you intend to be. After all we are always in the process of Becoming, as Carl Rogers, humanistic psychologist, put it. And what was gold in your life 10 or 20 years ago might have turned to lead today.

Be discerning. That is what the energy of fall is all about. Assessing and clearing out is essential to the seasons of growth ahead. And what we are shedding and discarding may take on new usefulness and form, just as it does in nature. The dropped leaves become fertilizer for the plants and the tree’s growth in seasons to come. The dropped acorns feed animals and become the seed of new generations of trees.

If the lead in your life is in the form of an old negative pattern of thought and behavior, it is possible to release and replace it. You may quit making excuses for it and enjoy the gold of new patterns that will move you ahead in the life you desire. If it takes the form of old clothing, papers, books or other possessions, you can donate or recycle them and others will benefit too.

As you proceed in your sorting, discarding and organizing, you will notice a renewed energy within you. You will open up some space for being, thinking and creating. New inspiration will come as well as new insight. It’s okay to miss what is missing, although I doubt that you will grieve long. You may feel the need for rest and renewal (just as nature does) while you appreciate the beauty and tune into the messages of what new gold your life requires.