Asking the Question

Posted on January 6, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

“You will go where you look.”
~Jay Stockwell~

For those who are regular readers it will come as no surprise to you that central to my philosophy, is a belief that we are personally responsible for the quality of our lives. As a matter of fact, the more accountable we are for our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices and outcomes, the healthier and happier we generally are.

The beginning of every year offers us a natural period of time for assessing where we are and what we would like to be doing for the coming twelve months. Of course there are skeptics who reject making plans for change. That may be born of perfectionism: “In the past I “relapsed” into old patterns and gave up, so what’s the use of trying again?”

I get that. True change takes imagination, courage and persistence. Many don’t have the stomach for it, or the patience. It is easier to be on autopilot, going to work every day, putting up with however we find it, complaining about what we don’t like, going through the same routine every night, going to sleep, getting up and doing it all over again.

Often our relationships, social lives and leisure time are functioning in the same way. Taking for granted those we live with, complaining about and to them, and running through the same old conflicts. Meeting the same people for the same activities, zoning out in front of the television or surfing the web for hours on end.

I call it sleep walking through life. Killing time. It’s truly a deadly way to live.

I have heard from a number of people that they are bored, lacking energy and enthusiasm, maybe depressed. They may be doing things, but only because they are expected to do them or are supposed to or “have to” do them. If you find yourself in the same boat, I encourage you to ask yourself some pertinent questions.

Observe yourself if you would rather blame life circumstances or someone else for your funk. That’s the easy way out. Blaming your boss or the company, your spouse, kids or the weather may be comfortable because it gets you off the hook from having to take responsibility or action. So if you write a question such as “When is my boss going to recognize my work and give me the raise I deserve?” you are barking up the wrong tree! You have no control or say over what your boss does. And believe it or not, your discontent is not caused by him or her.

Also avoid asking “Why?” As in “Why am I afraid to change jobs?” That will take you down the path of explaining, telling yourself endless stories and justifying your unhappiness. Insight may be great but it doesn’t change anything in and of itself. You may come to see that you got lots of messages in your family about how important it is to play it safe, never change jobs or challenge authority. But what are you going to do about it?

Instead, ask yourself “What “and “How.” As in “What is going on with me feeling so fatigued and unhappy?” Or “How am I contributing to my dissatisfaction at work?” Or “What is my part in this conflict?” Or “What would bring more meaning to my life?” “How do I need to change so that I am enjoying my life (or work, or relationship)?” You notice also that these are “I” questions. They aren’t about how to get someone else to change so that you can finally be happy!

There are other great questions to ask yourself and to explore. “Who am I?” “What brings me to life?” “What am I truly grateful for?” “What do I truly value, and how can I express those values?”

These valuable questions bring you to some answers as to what you need. And they can point to action you can take. Notice though that this isn’t the end of the story because as you continue on through your life, the situation and your needs are going to change. I encourage you to continue to ask the questions and to listen to yourself and the answers that come up. As your experiences develop new awareness, skills and abilities, the questions will bring up different answers.

The process will serve you well, help keep you healthy and happy and involved in a meaningful and rewarding life.

New Beginnings

Posted on January 2, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

Happy New Year! Yesterday I read a joke that went something like this. An optimist is someone who stays up late on New Year’s Eve to welcome in the New Year. A pessimist is someone who stays up late to make sure that the old year is gone.

Regardless of how the old year was for you, there is something about looking at the new one as a sort of clean slate, not yet written on or scuffed up by the whirl of world events. Just prior to the turn of the calendar I like to take some time to look back through my journal to see where I was and whether there are any patterns that I can observe.

Do you make resolutions for the year ahead? Or do you have goals that carry over? Do you think that resolutions and goals are the same thing? I think there is a difference in that resolutions are more often wishes for how our lives could be different, but there is often not a lot of thought for how that might be implemented. And as a result, resolutions often fall by the wayside. Before long the gym membership has come to naught or the home gym is serving as a clothing rack.

Goals, on the other hand, are intentions that have a plan that can be implemented, with support and accountability a part of it. Goals have action “baby steps” that will certainly take you to the desired outcome. Goals begin with imagining the outcome, move to how they can be implemented, and are characterized by action.

For a number of years my goals have been pretty much the same. One big goal I accomplished several months ago. For several others I can see some progress, and with one I haven’t even gotten out of the gate. It seems that willingness to change is a key ingredient, which means willingness to do something different! Maybe that’s another difference between a resolution and a goal. Most of us would like our lives to be different, but it’s rarer to be willing to get out of our comfortable grooves and actually BE different!

So here’s my approach to reaching my goals in the New Year. It boils down to two major components. 1) Take more action. 2) Take time more consistently (daily) to unplug, quiet myself, meditate, and open myself to inspiration. Taking action consistently is a challenge for me. I can “think and read and learn” about what I want to accomplish ad nauseam. I once thought my ideal job would be thinking up great ideas, (if only someone would pay me for that). While learning and thinking about things is important, without taking action, it can be paralyzing.

Dr. Jeanette Cates recently wrote a post about the imbalance that results from continuing to collect more information without taking action to express yourself or move toward your goal. She advises to quit it and instead take some small action every day until you can gain momentum and see progress. I hear you, Jeanette.

This two step approach also is satisfying in psychological terms. Carl Jung taught that humans have both feminine energy and masculine energy. The feminine is taking in, conceiving, being receptive; the masculine is moving forward, taking action, implementing what has been conceived. The healthier we are the better balance between these energies we have. On the contrary, if we are all action, our results are going to be shallow, repetitive, lacking in meaning and poorly thought out. If we are all conception, then our poems or paintings will stay in the attic and the world will never see them.

So that’s my plan for the New Year. I will be reporting to my accountability partners and keeping notes so that I can keep track of where I am and take corrective action when I come off the rails (which I undoubtedly will, being human and all). I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, and invite you to leave a comment.

However you choose to proceed, I hope you remember that you are a unique and gifted human being with all the power you need to make a difference in the world. Despite the problems that confront us, there is great beauty all around you, and I hope that you know that you are a part of it.

Quotes to Live By

Posted on December 26, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of
intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and
endure the betrayal of false friends; to
appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to
leave the world a bit better, whether by a
healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed
social condition; to know even one life has
breathed easier because you have lived. This is
to have succeeded.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Seasonal Light

Posted on December 19, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

December is the season of light in many ways. The Christmas star and “the coming of the Light” for Christians, and the Menorah for Jews who celebrate the Feast of Lights, are familiar parts of our celebrations. The winter solstice, the longest night, is just days away and will usher in winter.

I hear a lot of comments from folks who dislike getting up in the dark and driving home from work in the dark. Did you know that for some of us, this lack of light exposure has a real effect on our mental health? This goes beyond not liking snow and cold, or short days for that matter. The lack of light actually results in Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD for a significant part of the population.

It took years for me to figure out that I am one of those affected people. I knew I didn’t like winter, although I couldn’t say that it was snow or even the cold that bothered me. As it turns out, it really is a depression complete with symptoms that accompany a clinical depression that has been triggered by other causes such as long term stress.

Lack of energy, “brain fog” (my term for a sort of dull, slow cognitive function), sleep and appetite changes (carbohydrate craving anyone?), blue mood, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and lack of sex drive often are common. A high percentage of people with chronic insomnia are depressed.

These symptoms may appear as early as late September and last until sometime in March, when the days are long enough to give us adequate light exposure. SAD may be treated as any depression, with an increase in exercise and possibly even medication. But the easiest, most effective and least invasive way to solve the problem is with light therapy.

This requires full spectrum light, just as the sun has. Incandescent lighting that is typical for home use won’t work because they lack the full spectrum. Placing full spectrum bulbs on the ceiling in place of fluorescent lighting is also not effective because it it too far from the eyes to work.

The source of the light must be close enough to pass through the retina of the eye, which means your face should be about 12-18 inches from the source of the light. The best way to do this is with a light box which was made for just this purpose. There may be an advantage to having the light above the center of vision, at an angle, as a desk light might be. You may read or write while you use the light, preferably for 30 minutes in the morning.

Research has shown that light therapy is highly effective for folks suffering from SAD. Some will find an added benefit to taking Vitamin B-12. It is not recommended that you use the light late in the day or you may have trouble sleeping.

The best resource for high quality light boxes is http://www.sunbox.com/ which is recognized by the National Institutes of Health. They partnered with NIH in the research on the treatment of SAD, have been in business for 25 years. I have been using one of their light boxes for over 6 years, and have recommended them to many of my clients. If you contact them, you will find their customer service to be excellent, and they provide a money back guarantee on their products.

If you are feeling tired, glum and having trouble concentrating, using light therapy may be a solution. I highly recommend it, and am happy to read your comments or questions.

A Gift For Yourself

Posted on December 12, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

‘Tis the season, as they say, and most of us are preoccupied with family obligations, social engagements, decorating, cooking and gift giving. I certainly have more things written on my calendar this month than any other time, and I know I’m not alone. The “to do” list can get oppressive if we’re not careful. And doing those things on the list can also be exhausting and stressful.

You may be tempted to just accept that this is the way it is, and to think the stress is inevitable. But I don’t think it is. In fact, I would go so far as to say this is a choice. In the previous two posts I encouraged you to give some conscious thought to what gives meaning to the season to you. I understand the power of culture whispering in your ear, but it is possible to stop and challenge the thinking and resist the pressure to conform to perfectionistic images that you may think you “should” create.

Anyone who has experienced remorse over credit card debt in January may find the motivation to rethink options for gifts. Putting yourself in financial straits is not a healthy or happy practice for you or the recipient of the gift. You have an opportunity to think creatively for pleasing the ones you love. You could offer them a certificate for your services, such as car detailing or babysitting or some other task that they would enjoy. Or it could be for a home made dinner and a game night.

Whatever your holiday tradition, ask yourself what do you enjoy about it the most? Or what might that be if you would really allow yourself to enjoy it? When I asked myself that question, music was the answer. And so I have made it a point to hear more music this year., and to make music myself. Attending live concerts is the best! And I also dug out CD’s that I have stashed away and haven’t heard in a long time.

A friend of mine has been making it a point to really pay attention to her activities and her level of energy. She has avoided over-scheduling activities, and takes plenty of time to eat well, drink plenty of water and to rest. Imagine that! Actually resting! This of course means being willing to prioritize, say no to some invitations and to be mindful of where she is expending her resources of money, time and energy.

Being in touch with friends and family is something else that my be meaningful and important, especially during this season. I know there are lots of jokes about the obnoxious annual Christmas letters in which mom brags about Muffy or Buffy getting into Harvard. But I must say that there are several letters that I look forward to receiving every year, and I really appreciate the time and effort it takes to compose and send them. Knowing that others feel the same way, I consider writing and sending my own to be a gift to some people on my list. If connection is important to you, consider sharing the events of your life over the past year or years, and giving that gift yourself.

Whatever it is that gives this end of the year holiday season special meaning to you, I hope that you will put yourself on your gift list and be generous. It will improve your mood, I promise, and no doubt your health will benefit as well.

The Healing Power of Ritual

Posted on November 20, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

With the winter season approaching and the holidays coming with it, there seem to be a lot of traditions that are filled with rituals that we return to year after year. Some of them we do out of obligation, and some we might like to dispense with altogether. Whether we participate with eager anticipation or with resignation, the function of rituals in life is important.

Rituals seem to somehow anchor us in life. There is a sort of shorthand to understanding who we are and where we fit into our family, religious or social group. And while the rituals may be unique or very generally recognized and practiced, we instantly respond emotionally and sometimes spiritually.

In a world that seems sometimes to be changing with lightning speed, there is something comforting in taking the time and effort to share a meal featuring “the usual” food with people we know and love, even when liking them may be a challenge. Every family has their way of celebrating, and when new members are added, they are oriented to the rituals, and may bring their own to share.

When family relationships are strained, it can be a challenge to gather and be civil to one another, yet the sharing of holiday customs can be healing in that they remind us of history, experiences and values that we still have in common. Usually we may discover that we have much more in common with each other than the differences that divide us.

Children benefit from rituals and ought to be included in preparations according to their abilities. Did you know that something as simple as sitting at his/her own place at the table is a ritual that has been shown to make a huge advantage in children’s development? The rituals that the family observes help to anchor a child in life and to help them feel more secure with a sense of belonging.

And in fact, they help to make us all feel secure. For those who are going through challenging times, we may feel some comfort in observing traditions that go back to our earlier years. And as we grow and develop, we may discover that we need to develop new rituals that express our faith, our self and our love for each other.

I hope that you will be intentional in how you decide to celebrate. Consider what would be most meaningful to you, and discuss these ideas with those close to you. Be mindful of your needs and feel free to express yourself. Where ever and however you choose to celebrate, I wish you love and joy.

Letting Go

Posted on November 8, 2011 by JanetEisenbise

“There are things I can’t force. I must adjust.
There are times when the greatest change needed is
a change of my viewpoint.”
~Anonymous~

In my on-going attempt to curb the clutter in my life, I was cleaning out some files, pitching out some material that I used a long time ago but haven’t seen recently. I came across something that I once used when I facilitated a women’s group therapy.

I really have no idea where it came from. I’m guessing it came out of the 12 Step traditions in some form or fashion. Since I don’t know who to give credit to for it, I offer my apologies in advance. But I like it and find the concept of “letting go” a valuable tenant of a healthy and happy life, whether you consider yourself to be recovering, or a traveler on a heroes journey (as Joseph Campbell called it).

Here it is; I hope it is useful to you:

To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become whatever dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and to love more.