“Every morning you are handed twenty-four golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn’t buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure? Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once. Once wasted, you cannot get it back.”
~Source Unknown
“You will go where you look.”
~Jay Stockwell~
For those who are regular readers it will come as no surprise to you that central to my philosophy, is a belief that we are personally responsible for the quality of our lives. As a matter of fact, the more accountable we are for our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices and outcomes, the healthier and happier we generally are.
The beginning of every year offers us a natural period of time for assessing where we are and what we would like to be doing for the coming twelve months. Of course there are skeptics who reject making plans for change. That may be born of perfectionism: “In the past I “relapsed” into old patterns and gave up, so what’s the use of trying again?”
I get that. True change takes imagination, courage and persistence. Many don’t have the stomach for it, or the patience. It is easier to be on autopilot, going to work every day, putting up with however we find it, complaining about what we don’t like, going through the same routine every night, going to sleep, getting up and doing it all over again.
Often our relationships, social lives and leisure time are functioning in the same way. Taking for granted those we live with, complaining about and to them, and running through the same old conflicts. Meeting the same people for the same activities, zoning out in front of the television or surfing the web for hours on end.
I call it sleep walking through life. Killing time. It’s truly a deadly way to live.
I have heard from a number of people that they are bored, lacking energy and enthusiasm, maybe depressed. They may be doing things, but only because they are expected to do them or are supposed to or “have to” do them. If you find yourself in the same boat, I encourage you to ask yourself some pertinent questions.
Observe yourself if you would rather blame life circumstances or someone else for your funk. That’s the easy way out. Blaming your boss or the company, your spouse, kids or the weather may be comfortable because it gets you off the hook from having to take responsibility or action. So if you write a question such as “When is my boss going to recognize my work and give me the raise I deserve?” you are barking up the wrong tree! You have no control or say over what your boss does. And believe it or not, your discontent is not caused by him or her.
Also avoid asking “Why?” As in “Why am I afraid to change jobs?” That will take you down the path of explaining, telling yourself endless stories and justifying your unhappiness. Insight may be great but it doesn’t change anything in and of itself. You may come to see that you got lots of messages in your family about how important it is to play it safe, never change jobs or challenge authority. But what are you going to do about it?
Instead, ask yourself “What “and “How.” As in “What is going on with me feeling so fatigued and unhappy?” Or “How am I contributing to my dissatisfaction at work?” Or “What is my part in this conflict?” Or “What would bring more meaning to my life?” “How do I need to change so that I am enjoying my life (or work, or relationship)?” You notice also that these are “I” questions. They aren’t about how to get someone else to change so that you can finally be happy!
There are other great questions to ask yourself and to explore. “Who am I?” “What brings me to life?” “What am I truly grateful for?” “What do I truly value, and how can I express those values?”
These valuable questions bring you to some answers as to what you need. And they can point to action you can take. Notice though that this isn’t the end of the story because as you continue on through your life, the situation and your needs are going to change. I encourage you to continue to ask the questions and to listen to yourself and the answers that come up. As your experiences develop new awareness, skills and abilities, the questions will bring up different answers.
The process will serve you well, help keep you healthy and happy and involved in a meaningful and rewarding life.
Happy New Year! Yesterday I read a joke that went something like this. An optimist is someone who stays up late on New Year’s Eve to welcome in the New Year. A pessimist is someone who stays up late to make sure that the old year is gone.
Regardless of how the old year was for you, there is something about looking at the new one as a sort of clean slate, not yet written on or scuffed up by the whirl of world events. Just prior to the turn of the calendar I like to take some time to look back through my journal to see where I was and whether there are any patterns that I can observe.
Do you make resolutions for the year ahead? Or do you have goals that carry over? Do you think that resolutions and goals are the same thing? I think there is a difference in that resolutions are more often wishes for how our lives could be different, but there is often not a lot of thought for how that might be implemented. And as a result, resolutions often fall by the wayside. Before long the gym membership has come to naught or the home gym is serving as a clothing rack.
Goals, on the other hand, are intentions that have a plan that can be implemented, with support and accountability a part of it. Goals have action “baby steps” that will certainly take you to the desired outcome. Goals begin with imagining the outcome, move to how they can be implemented, and are characterized by action.
For a number of years my goals have been pretty much the same. One big goal I accomplished several months ago. For several others I can see some progress, and with one I haven’t even gotten out of the gate. It seems that willingness to change is a key ingredient, which means willingness to do something different! Maybe that’s another difference between a resolution and a goal. Most of us would like our lives to be different, but it’s rarer to be willing to get out of our comfortable grooves and actually BE different!
So here’s my approach to reaching my goals in the New Year. It boils down to two major components. 1) Take more action. 2) Take time more consistently (daily) to unplug, quiet myself, meditate, and open myself to inspiration. Taking action consistently is a challenge for me. I can “think and read and learn” about what I want to accomplish ad nauseam. I once thought my ideal job would be thinking up great ideas, (if only someone would pay me for that). While learning and thinking about things is important, without taking action, it can be paralyzing.
Dr. Jeanette Cates recently wrote a post about the imbalance that results from continuing to collect more information without taking action to express yourself or move toward your goal. She advises to quit it and instead take some small action every day until you can gain momentum and see progress. I hear you, Jeanette.
This two step approach also is satisfying in psychological terms. Carl Jung taught that humans have both feminine energy and masculine energy. The feminine is taking in, conceiving, being receptive; the masculine is moving forward, taking action, implementing what has been conceived. The healthier we are the better balance between these energies we have. On the contrary, if we are all action, our results are going to be shallow, repetitive, lacking in meaning and poorly thought out. If we are all conception, then our poems or paintings will stay in the attic and the world will never see them.
So that’s my plan for the New Year. I will be reporting to my accountability partners and keeping notes so that I can keep track of where I am and take corrective action when I come off the rails (which I undoubtedly will, being human and all). I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, and invite you to leave a comment.
However you choose to proceed, I hope you remember that you are a unique and gifted human being with all the power you need to make a difference in the world. Despite the problems that confront us, there is great beauty all around you, and I hope that you know that you are a part of it.
One night I awoke from a strange dream in which I was supposed to be constructing clothing for a fashion show. Mady, an artist and close friend of my daughter’s, was with me. I kept trying different fabrics and trim, but never got anything finished. I was still mixing and matching fabric pieces when I became aware that other people had finished, and models were wearing their clothes on the runway.
Since fashion is pretty far afield from my daily work and routine, I was wondering what on earth that was all about!
Influenced by Jung and Jeremy Taylor (When People Fly and Water Runs Uphill) I have found that dreams are really useful in peeking beneath the conscious layer of our daily life to see what might be going on at a deeper level.
Of course we have all kinds of conscious thoughts about what we need and want. Attaining those things is often not so easy. And one of the big complicating factors is that those needs that we are aware of are often in conflict with our unconscious beliefs. Dreams often point the way to some clarity about that. And since our dreams arrive in “movie” form, images speak much more frequently than words.
Pay attention to the emotions that are most pronounced after you awaken from the dream. You may see some reference to the dream from your daily life. For example, you dream about training a dog and getting ready to pass a test in your dog training class, and in your waking life, you have been thinking about getting a dog. Look a little deeper, and ask what that image or person represents in you.
What is the “dog” part of you? What associations do you have with dogs that may reflect some aspect of you? What is the “trainer” part of you? How does the “training class” represent some part of you? Is there some conflict in your life that is reflected in the dream?
Everyone will have personal references to the images in their dreams. There are some useful books about universal symbols that can be helpful, but always go with what is most meaningful and resonates with you. Don’t ever allow anyone to tell you what your dream means. They may have their own projections, but they need to limit comments to what the dream would mean to them if it were theirs.
Taylor, as well as C. Jung, also state that dreams always come in the interest of our health and healing (even when they are scary or weird). We can look for messages regarding our physical bodies, our spirits, relationships and the social or cultural order in general. In this day of environmental concerns, there are no doubt messages about the earth itself.
As for my dream about the fashion designing, my preliminary thoughts are that it has a message about my creative life, which I must say has been lying fallow to some extent. It also says something about needing to finish something! (I shudder to think about numerous unfinished creative projects that literally are in pieces and stashed away out of sight in the closet as well as the computer files)!
In real life, Mady is a woman who is highly creative and productive! I am frequently impressed by her keen eye, imagination and the amount of projects she gets done. So my “inner Mady” is my Creative, who works hard and efficiently and gets projects finished. One of the messages of the dream appears to be that I need to get on the stick!
The dream reminds me that we are created to be creators. Conceiving the idea or being inspired is essential of course. But if we don’t take the little steps to implement them, our creations will never see the light of day, and the creative process that is so enlivening and enriching is stunted. The poems molder in the attic, and the half painted canvases collect dust. The world is the poorer for it, and so are we.
“Dreams are postcards from our subconscious inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back, unread: ‘return to sender, addressee unknown.’ That’s a shame because it’s a whole other world there – or in here depending on your point of view.”
~Dennis Koenig and Jordan Budde~
“You will go where you look.”
~Jay Stockwell~
What do you suppose that driving a car, playing golf or tennis and meeting goals have in common?
One of the lucky circumstances of my life was that I was just of driving age when my family was traveling from the East Coast to the Midwest. We made a number of trips to visit family and friends following a move from Kansas. I was just 16 and eager to drive any time I could get my hands on the wheel. My mother, being a tad anxious, was always happy to let my dad drive although she would relieve him on long trips.
So I was probably the happiest kid around when my dad asked if I wanted to drive. We traveled the PA Turnpike and interstates across the country, and those long open stretches of road offered great training opportunities as well as happy memories for me.
(I do have to wonder how on earth he was able to relax and take a nap while his teenage daughter was maneuvering the family station wagon down the interstate!)
Passing tractor trailers was unnerving at first. Not wanting to either hit the truck or overcompensate by straying from my lane, my white knuckles on the steering wheel were a dead giveaway for my anxiety. He told me to stop looking at the truck. Instead I should look way down the road in my lane, just where I wanted to go.
The car will go wherever your eyes are looking.
Later when I was learning to play tennis, softball, and taking golf (well, golf was really taking me, but that’s another story) I heard the same message. Keep your eyes trained on the place that you want the ball to go. Not that undesired place you are afraid it might go!
And this is what the driving and ball playing have in common with meeting the goals that you have set. Keep your eyes (attention) focused on what you intend to accomplish. Do not look at the obstacles that are in your way! If you focus on the obstacles, you sure as heck will run into them! It’s tempting and scary to get focused on what might go wrong, especially when the messages you or others are telling you are old messages that you have “inherited” and engrained from family or early school experiences.
You might make a visual reminder of your intended destination by finding a picture that represents it and posting that picture where you will see it often. Use it as background on your computer or a picture that pops up when your phone rings. Tape it up beside the bathroom mirror and smile at yourself when you look at it. (Come on…who else is watching you? Smiling is proven to help you feel better and is encouraging!) Write the affirmation then read it aloud to yourself, or put it on a scrolling marquee on your desktop.
Then collect evidence that you are succeeding. Give yourself credit for taking baby steps, because that is really the only way we get anywhere. No leaping over tall buildings in a single bound is required. For example if your goal is to be a good guitar player, the evidence you would write down at the end of the day would be that you practiced playing for 30 minutes.
Acknowledging your progress and keeping your eye on your goal will move you steadily forward, building your self confidence as well as your self esteem.
“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when
life seems most challenging.” ~Joseph Campbell~
Success is the name of the game. Success is what we are all aiming for, isn’t it? However we define it, whatever we think it looks like, we all want it. And of course there is no universal definition of success because it runs the gamut from having basic needs comfortably and reliably met to mansions, houses on the beach and private jets. And many people define success as solid and loving relationships with a partner, family and friends. And others would say it is a deep and meaningful spiritual life.
Much of our focus and effort is aimed at achieving success. What we are not prepared for is failure. And failure is an inevitable and seemingly unavoidable part of human life. It’s an ugly word and a source of shame and embarrassment when we experience it. We don’t like to talk about it and because of that, we may miss the true value of experiencing failure.
What I mean is that failure is a terrific teacher if we have the courage to face it squarely and ask some questions. That may be a tall order because of the attitude of the culture that somehow we should be able to avoid failing, and if we don’t, something is seriously wrong with us. We want to run and hide instead of exploring the ins and outs of what led us to this outcome.
Because we feel ashamed and isolated, we are likely to start looking around for something or someone to blame for our failure. It’s a bad economy, or it’s our parents’ fault for not teaching us better, or a poor education, or our partner screwed up. That might momentarily give you some relief, but it is shallow and short-lived and won’t serve you well in the long run. Playing victim will just keep you stuck.
Suppose you were to take courage in hand and have an honest look? It seems to me that most of the failure we experience comes about because we were blind to something that was in front of us all the time. Perhaps it’s something that we didn’t want to see. Or maybe something that we weren’t emotionally ready to handle. Or maybe something that we were just ignorant of because we hadn’t had the life experience to learn that yet.
Give yourself a break! Have some compassion and curiosity! The question is, “How did I get here and what am I supposed to learn from this?”
When you ask the hard questions and take time to explore the answers, you will learn a lot. And when you are really brave and accept full responsibility for everything that happens to you, the energy that moves you forward will just amaze you! When you stop whining and arguing with yourself and everyone else about whose fault it was, you can finally focus on the missing pieces, put them in place and get on with building a life.
Dave Ramsey is a well-known financial teacher whose experience with failure changed the course of his life. He had built a real estate empire, which turned out to be a house of cards which left him in bankruptcy. Feeling horrible about letting his family down, he was no doubt mortified. But he was courageous and curious and began looking at how he had created the situation and took full responsibility for it. Eventually he recovered, and what he learned changed the entire direction of his life.
His mission became teaching others how to manage money responsibly, how to get out of debt and to be financially free. His first book, Total Money Makeover and his subsequent books led to courses that are offered all over the US. Thousands of people have benefited from his experience of failure and the work that came out of it.
Of course Dave Ramsey’s story is only one of many. For each human being there is a failure story. What is needed is the willingness and ability to use failure for transformation. Our faith is strengthened by the dark nights of the soul. Could Jonah have become the prophet without those days and nights in the belly of the whale? A new life awaits those who are willing to work through the fear and pain of a divorce. A vivid and meaningful life is possible for those who desire and work for freedom from addiction.
Your failure has much to teach you. And I would venture to say that without it, we cannot possibly reach the heights of success that we aspire to.
follow: RSS