Category Archives: Coping with Change

Optimism and Coping with Stress

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My morning routine usually begins with “Morning Edition” on National Public Radio.  The other morning an interview caught my ear, in particular because it dealt with psychology and a training program for soldiers to deal with stress and prevent PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  The Army instituted the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness after they became concerned in 2006 about the increasing incidence of PTSD and suicide.

While the stories of returning soldiers have brought PTSD to the foreground in the public awareness, it is a psychological disorder that is common with trauma survivors whether they have been in combat, suffered from domestic abuse, sexual assault or even an automobile accident.   The increasing incidence of it in returning vets and their stressed families have made finding effective treatments more urgent.  Of course as Benjamin Franklin knew, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, so if we can be trained to build resilience, decrease stress and avoid PTSD, so much the better.

Why does this pertain to you and to all of us?  Because we are all affected to some degree or other by stress in our lives.  Whether we are subjected to some life changing event or an ongoing, unresolved conflict or pressure, stress is detrimental to health and happiness.  We know that it lowers the functioning of the immune system and thus plays hob with every kind of chronic physical and psychological disorder.

Of course most of the causes of stress, and the prevention and treatment of it, occur between our ears.  When we are pessimistic or negative in our thinking, we are highly vulnerable to it.  Most of the time it isn’t the outer circumstances that are the culprit, but the way we think about it, or what we are telling ourselves about it.  If you hear yourself on a rant to someone else, or in your own head, realize that you are “awfulizing” and causing yourself stress.

Of course if you are in combat or a car accident, that is no doubt a negative circumstance!  So let’s get to the prevention part.  A part of the Comprehensive Soldier Fitness program teaches soldiers to Hunt the Good Stuff.  To quote Sergeant 1st Class Michael Ballard, one of the trainers in the program, “One of the things is what we call Hunt the Good Stuff. And it’s something that we can do every day and it helps to build our optimism. Research shows that if you’re an optimistic person you’re going to live longer, you’re going to be happier. I mean isn’t that what grandma always said? You know grandma used always said count your blessings and look at those things.”

Reminds me a lot of the gratitude list in which you can write down 10 things at the end (or beginning) of every day that you are grateful for.  And while doing that to allow yourself to really FEEL grateful.

Another version of “Hunt the Good Stuff” is an assignment I like to give to folks who are struggling in relationships with spouses or children, which I call “Catch them doing something right.”  The object is the same: notice the qualities or behaviors that you like in that person and express appreciation for it.  It quickly begins to change your own attitude for the better, and soon you are reinforcing and increasing the positive behaviors in that other person that you want to see.

It is so easy to pick out what is wrong and to run with it!  It’s a short trip from there to imagining the worst, getting into conversations with other people and playing a big old game of “Ain’t it Awful?”  Even if you keep your pessimism to yourself, you are going to set off a severe round of “monkey mind” and scare yourself or put yourself in a deep funk.  And of course the more we do that the more we can find that everything is just awful and stressful and difficult.

Looking for positive things in your life will help you recover more quickly when things do go wrong.  Finding what you are grateful for builds optimism and strength. “What we are trying to do here is to allow soldiers to make sense of what is happening, focus on what they can control, and not catastrophize(ph) and go into a downward spiral,” said the program’s director, Brig. Gen. James Pasquarette.

What is important to remember is that optimism can be learned or practiced, and that in doing so, you will improve your health and happiness in every aspect of your life.  You can build your resilience so that when bad things do happen, you will be better equipped to cope and to recover your balance and well-being.

If you would like to read or listen to the NPR interview, here is the link:

http://www.npr.org/2012/01/08/144862810/classes-teach-soldiers-to-be-army-strong

 

Creating New Rituals

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It seems that the holiday season brings up the opportunities and sometimes obligations to observe many personal, family and religious rituals.  As I wrote in the previous blog post, these rituals are important for anchoring us in our lives in meaningful ways, connecting us with our “tribes” and can be healing.

If you ask almost anyone where they will be on a big holiday, they will tell you how they celebrate, with whom they spend that day and what they like or dislike the most about it.  Some people feel bound to these traditions and rituals, even when they don’t fit any more.  They feel stressed or burdened by them, and sometimes find them empty of meaning even though at one time they didn’t.

Margie was telling me about the traditional ethnic dinner she made every year for her family.  When she was a child her mother and aunt had made the same dinner, and her grandmother before them.  It was customary to invite friends, relatives and neighbors to come.  As the elders passed on, Margie took it upon herself to continue the tradition.  She asked siblings to help her, but for one reason or another, they seldom did, and yet everyone wanted the usual dinner to be part of the holiday celebration.  The preparation took several days, expense and extra effort because it needed to be done ahead of time and transported to the family home hours away from where Margie lives.

After expressing some dread and resentment for all her efforts, we discussed her need to continue something that she clearly wasn’t enjoying.  What was she getting out of it?  If she didn’t do it, how would she feel?  What other options did she have?  How can she replace resentment, stress and anxiety with joy?

Exploring these questions led to some thought about what really makes the holiday personally meaningful to Margie.  Even though the old traditional dinner held wonderful memories for her, she was no longer experiencing joy and happiness from continuing it.  Margie was able to identify several other things that made the season exciting and meaningful to her and realized that she was so concerned about what she “had to get done,” that she wasn’t doing any of them!  No wonder she was irritated and tired!  She also realized that trying to meet what she imagined other people expected of her was really making her miserable.

Can you relate to Margie’s situation?  How can you honor your own needs as well as those of people you love by weeding out rituals or practices that no longer feed your soul?  And what might you add that would really nurture your spirit, connect you with family and friends in a meaningful way?

You might ask other people what they do that they really love, if you need ideas.  I invite you to change what no longer serves you and to experiment with new rituals and practices that fill your life with light and love.

Stop Trying to Fix It!

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Perhaps it’s a function of age, but I hear myself referring to “the human condition” a lot lately.  It seems a little odd to be coming out of the mouth of a coach and therapist, who is after all, in the business of helping people make change in their lives.  And who, speaking honestly, has been mighty occupied at times with trying to fix her own life.

What I mean when I refer to the human condition, is that most of what we experience in the way of turmoil, bewilderment and confusion, come as a result of a combination of normal development and events that seem to usher us through those stages.  Suffering is optional.

We cannot avoid change, no matter how much we may hate it.  We cannot avoid the losses that come with adult life:  the death of those we love, jobs that we thought were secure, loves that we believed would be true forever, money and success that we worked hard for, our own strength, stamina and health, in short, our youth.

Even when we make choices which are motivated by improving our lives such as marrying, having children, relocating for a career or job improvement, or going to school to make a career change, we have adjustments to make that aren’t easy.  Gaining in one area necessarily means losing something.  Even if it’s a familiar place and routine.

I once had a mentor who moved his family from California to Georgia, his home state, because he and his wife thought their children would benefit from being close to family, and that it was a better place to rear them.  What a lot of turmoil followed!  To help them all voice their fears, frustrations, and longing for their familiar place, Don made up a game for dinner time called “What I miss about California.”  The rules were that everyone had to participate and that no one could make fun of anyone.

The game evoked some laughing and some crying too.  They had a forum to share their homesickness and that sharing normalized what they experienced.  As time went on, and the family began to adjust, he added another part to the game called “What I don’t miss about California. “  In time, Don’s family did adjust.

So what can we do when the life adjustment or stage of development doesn’t seem to be moving along?  What if we really find ourselves in an emotional crisis?  What if we feel stuck in that crisis?

It seems to me that we can either identify with our symptoms of distress, or with our strengths.  Or to put it more simply, with what is wrong with us, or with what is right.  Somehow if we get hooked into identifying ourselves as Stupid or Weak or Victim, we will have a hard time mobilizing new ways of coping.  Our thinking causes a very low vibration emotional state, and the labels imply there is no cure.  We may struggle to “fix it” but since alas, there is no cure for Stupid. We are stuck in it.

Carolyn Myss points out in Anatomy of the Spirit that it is a spiritual mistake to make judgments.  I think this is because when we do, our thinking is fixed and not open to seeing that we are human, and always in a process of flux or change.  We are also closed off to inspiration, and creativity comes to a grinding halt.

Judgment comes with a nasty internal monologue of criticism, blame, anger, resentment, self pity and despair.  This is true if that judgment is directed toward others or inward to the self.  It is a mental lock box that keeps us spinning our wheels in endless analyzing (up in the garret of the head) instead of living in our body and experiencing and feeling.

The healthier, happier (eventual) alternative is to avoid the judgments, stay mindful of the moment we are in and to remember that even though you can’t think of how to fix it or see light at the end of the tunnel yet, that nothing in life stays the same.  Good, bad or ugly, whatever state you are in will surely pass.

Instead of struggling to fix yourself, affirm that you are a loveable, capable human being.  Collect evidence that this is the truth.  Yes, write it down!  Notice and take time to appreciate yourself for your stamina, strength and whatever other qualities become apparent when you decide to look.  (Come on…you are already collecting evidence of what a dire mess you are!  What do you think is making you so miserable?  Be willing to collect evidence of what works in your life and be truly grateful for those things or people).

It isn’t true that your life circumstances or other people are making you unhappy.  It’s what you are telling yourself about it, and the resulting mood state and behaviors that are resulting in misery.  Those patterns may be habitual.  And like all bad or destructive habits (cigarette, anyone?) they can be changed.

Nothing to FIX here; you are whole, capable and loveable.  Just be willing to release the tension, irritation or sadness.  Be willing to laugh at yourself and the situation.  New creative solutions will begin to occur to you as well as intuitive ideas for a new direction.  Listen to them and take heed.  There will be small signs pointing to your direction out of the deep woods.

Failure, the Great Teacher

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“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when
life seems most challenging.”   ~Joseph Campbell~

 Success is the name of the game.  Success is what we are all aiming for, isn’t it?  However we define it, whatever we think it looks like, we all want it.  And of course there is no universal definition of success because it runs the gamut from having basic needs comfortably and reliably met to mansions, houses on the beach and private jets.  And many people define success as solid and loving relationships with a partner, family and friends.  And others would say it is a deep and meaningful spiritual life.

Much of our focus and effort is aimed at achieving success.  What we are not prepared for is failure.  And failure is an inevitable and seemingly unavoidable part of human life.  It’s an ugly word and a source of shame and embarrassment when we experience it.  We don’t like to talk about it and because of that, we may miss the true value of experiencing failure.

What I mean is that failure is a terrific teacher if we have the courage to face it squarely and ask some questions.  That may be a tall order because of the attitude of the culture that somehow we should be able to avoid failing, and if we don’t, something is seriously wrong with us.  We want to run and hide instead of exploring the ins and outs of what led us to this outcome.

Because we feel ashamed and isolated, we are likely to start looking around for something or someone to blame for our failure.  It’s a bad economy, or it’s our parents’ fault for not teaching us better, or a poor education, or our partner screwed up.  That might momentarily give you some relief, but it is shallow and short-lived and won’t serve you well in the long run.  Playing victim will just keep you stuck.

Suppose you were to take courage in hand and have an honest look?  It seems to me that most of the failure we experience comes about because we were blind to something that was in front of us all the time.  Perhaps it’s something that we didn’t want to see.  Or maybe something that we weren’t emotionally ready to handle.  Or maybe something that we were just ignorant of because we hadn’t had the life experience to learn that yet.

Give yourself a break!  Have some compassion and curiosity!  The question is, “How did I get here and what am I supposed to learn from this?”

When you ask the hard questions and take time to explore the answers, you will learn a lot.  And when you are really brave and accept full responsibility for everything that happens to you, the energy that moves you forward will just amaze you!  When you stop whining and arguing with yourself and everyone else about whose fault it was, you can finally focus on the missing pieces, put them in place and get on with building a life.

Dave Ramsey is a well-known financial teacher whose experience with failure changed the course of his life.  He had built a real estate empire, which turned out to be a house of cards which left him in bankruptcy.   Feeling horrible about letting his family down, he was no doubt mortified.  But he was courageous and curious and began looking at how he had created the situation and took full responsibility for it.  Eventually he recovered, and what he learned changed the entire direction of his life.

His mission became teaching others how to manage money responsibly, how to get out of debt and to be financially free.  His first book, Total Money Makeover and his subsequent books led to courses that are offered all over the US.  Thousands of people have benefited from his experience of failure and the work that came out of it.

Of course Dave Ramsey’s story is only one of many.  For each human being there is a failure story.  What is needed is the willingness and ability to use failure for transformation.  Our faith is strengthened by the dark nights of the soul.  Could Jonah have become the prophet without those days and nights in the belly of the whale?  A new life awaits those who are willing to work through the fear and pain of a divorce.  A vivid and meaningful life is possible for those who desire and work for freedom from addiction.

Your failure has much to teach you.  And I would venture to say that without it, we cannot possibly reach the heights of success that we aspire to.

 

Remembering

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In preparing a post for this weekend, I confess to feeling some ambivalence.  In light of the 10th anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the attempt that was foiled on Washington DC, writing about goals, successful living and positive psychology seem amiss.  But writing about the terrorist events and all the losses involved is daunting too.

There no doubt will be many wiser and more inspiring words said.  But as I have been thinking about it for the past week, one point popped out at me.  We all got a graphic and horrifying reminder that life is unpredictable and we have very little control over events that occur.  We don’t like to recognize how vulnerable we are.

That being said, it is also true that each of us has untapped potential, as well as unclaimed personal power.  I’m not talking about aggression, which unfortunately often is confused with personal power.  But rather I am thinking of the abilities, gifts and resilience that is a part of each person.  When we accept ourselves and our responsibility to make the most of what we have, we are empowered.

And it seems to me that one of the messages of September 11 is that sometimes life is short, and that time is precious.

I believe that we have the responsibility to make the most of it.  One thing that we can resolve from the experiences of September 11 is to commit to our continued growth and to take action that will express ourselves as the kind of human beings we intend to be.  Maybe most of all, the message is to pay attention to where we are every day.  Not to think of ourselves as some never ending rehabilitation project, but to be fully present, accepting and grateful.

We can notice and celebrate the most simple and beautiful and commonplace things that are a part of everyday life.  Beauty surrounds us; we can see it, breathe it in and love it and know that we are a part of it.  Love your life and treat it with the reverence and celebration that it deserves.  That is the best memorial for September 11 that could be.

 

The Hurricane’s Gift, Or Best Laid Plans

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It was certainly not the day that I had expected.  And it was not the day that I had planned.  But the day that I was given, delivered by a rainy and gusty hurricane, turned out to be the perfect day after all.

Very early this morning I was awakened by the power going off.  Not really a sound, but a sudden lack of sound.  All the humming of the household appliances, electronics and gadgets suddenly stopping.  Since it was barely light, I went back to sleep.  Later when I got up and dressed, I was wondering what would happen to the day that I had been looking forward to so much.  The torrents of rain, which had been falling all night, seemed to be letting up.  But the wind was ferocious at times, whipping at the branches in the oak trees outside my window.

A phone call confirmed that the plans that I had made with friends were cancelled because of the power outage.  And as fiercely as the wind was blowing, there was no telling when it would be operational again.  As it turned out, not until early evening.

There was a strange feeling that ensued.  All the morning routines seem to involve electricity somehow.  Coffee?  I can’t imagine starting my day without it, but there was no way to brew it.  I almost always turn on the radio to NPR first thing in the morning, but that was out.  No way to check TV news for word on the hurricane or the damage it had left in its wake.  Our power grid was part of the damage.

I have to confess that getting coffee was a priority.  Perhaps a nearby Starbucks had electricity, and I was willing to take a car ride to find out.  Cars and trucks were driving by, so I knew that conditions on the streets were at least safe enough to be passable.  And sure enough, my “Jonesing” after a cup of Joe was soon enough taken care of.  One caffeine fix later, the day stretched out before me.

The wind was blowing, and the oppressive humidity before the hurricane was gone.  I sat in the silence of the house, listening to the branches and leaves moving in the wind.  The curtains fluttered and the cool air was soothing.

My journal is a frequent companion to my early hours, but I had not written in it for a full week.  Unusual, but understandable since I had had a week of one demand after another.  A full work schedule, a family crisis, plus two houseguests, accompanied by Mudslide, the greyhound, had filled it up.  I was busy, stressed and preoccupied with the events of the week.  My houseguests went on their way.  And now that I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but be with myself,  I realized that I was extremely tired.

And so, after listening to the silence, I began to listen to myself and to write.  As the day went on, and thoughts and questions continued to occur to me, I came back to write.  I held the cat and watched the wind blow the trees around.  I decided to read a couple of magazines that I subscribe to but often don’t get around to reading.  Found an interesting article on intuition, which I have been thinking about lately.

And then I took a nap.  I can’t remember when I last did that.  For some reason I seem to have lost the ability to nap during the day.  I used to nap routinely when my children were at home, especially when they were small,  but not in recent years.  The phone rang, but I let it go to voicemail, and went back to sleep.

After getting up and writing some more and reading more of the magazine, I heard that small “thud” that signals the return of power.  For awhile I was reluctant to turn anything on, but finally the light at my desk because the daylight was fading.  I walked around the house, noticing the flashing digital clocks and the hum of the refrigerator.  And then after awhile I turned the computer on in order to write this post.  But I have decided not to check my email, or Facebook or Twitter.  I don’t feel the need to call anyone.  The radio and television are still quiet, and I think I’m going to leave them that way until tomorrow.

There is something about the silence that is deeply restful.  And something about living without the distraction of electronic screens that renders a sense of peace.  Being disconnected from the world is a good thing, at least in small doses.  I wonder what an extended vacation from electronics might offer.

I do know this:  sometimes when the plans that we make are scuttled, and Mother Nature has shown her power (and her complete indifference to those plans) it is a good thing.  The Quakers may say that this day was an example of Divine Order.   I believe that it is.

 

Good Relationships Have Good Boundaries

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Baby Boomers are known as the “sandwich generation” because they are increasingly dealing with responsibilities for caring for their aging parents as well as young adult children.  Even as they plan for their own retirements, those plans may be taking on an unexpected shape, or being delayed because of being in the sandwich.

The job shortage has brought about a pattern of multiple generations living in the same household, a pattern that was common decades ago.  Many college graduates are moving back into the family home while they hunt for jobs, rather than into their own apartments as they begin their careers.

The return to the childhood home may be an economic necessity, and many parents are willing to allow it out of a sense of obligation and concern for their children’s welfare.  But the relationship between them is due for a change.  Those “kids” are now adults, even though their financial independence may be delayed.  It is important to think about the arrangements ahead of time and to negotiate some clear understandings before the contents of the dorm room are carried through the door.

The parents are homeowners, and as such have the final say in what happens there.  They really have no legal or moral obligation to shelter their children.  If the grown children are returning, it should be understood that it is out of generosity, and that they are to function as adults.  Their being there can’t be a prolonged childhood if the situation is going to be a happy one.

There are boundary issues to be considered.  Emotional boundaries are important in that they clarify where everyone’s interests and responsibilities begin and end.  Here are some factors to consider and negotiate:

  • Establish a time frame for the arrangement.  Agree to meet and discuss how things are going, and to make adjustments as needed.  The time frame can be extended if all is going well, and everyone agrees.
  • The primary focus of the adult children should be on getting a job, hopefully one that will lead to a career path.  If that isn’t possible, then a job that will help support them and pay some household expenses such as phone bills, utilities and car insurance and gas.  This is a great time for them to make a budget and practice using it.  There are good resources available to help them if they don’t want that advice from the parents.  Remember that the ultimate purpose of this time is to establish independence and eventually leave the nest!
  • Discuss how the household will run, with young adults taking on their fair share of cleaning, yard maintenance, cooking, etc.  It is important for everyone’s well being that they not return to a child-like state where mom and dad are taking care of them.  This will only lead to resentment, irritation and eventual hostility.
  • Come to an understanding about hours of quiet, entertaining guests, music volume, television watching and general use of the living space.  Discuss your expectations regarding overnight visitors and alcohol use.  College students often have a very different time schedule than their parents do.  Adjusting to a work schedule and routine hours might be a stretch!  And if those first jobs are shift work, with work scheduled for the 2nd or 3rd shift, then obviously accommodations need to be made.
  • Being a parent to an adult child requires some letting go.  The adult child needs to be making an emotional separation that was begun while they were away at college.  Returning home likely feels like they are losing some of the independence they felt while away at school.  Living under the same roof offers some additional challenges because while you will have opinions about how your son or daughter is spending money, job hunting and choosing friends or dating partners, you need to keep them to yourself!  Unless what they are doing directly impinges on your household, then you must mind your own business.

This time of living together can be harmonious if your communications are clear.   Having an understanding that the young adult is to use this period of help and support as a time to prepare for their independence can ensure that it will be productive and healthy for everyone.