Coping With Change | Coach4LifeChange

The Love of Comfort

By JanetEisenbise on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010 | No Comments

We all seek comfort, no doubt about it. And we certainly need it in this age of what I call normalized stress. We almost take for granted that we are going to be tense and exhausted and irritated in our daily lives. And when we are, we need to seek relief to avoid damage to health and quality of life.

But there are times when seeking comfort is a short road to broken dreams. A degree of discomfort comes with the territory of growth and development. Any adult going through a transition is going to experience discomfort. And big dreams really require us to stretch way out of our comfort zones.

We not only have to feel creative tension, we have to work with it or we will never experience the changes we desire. Your body mind may be interpreting this tension as unpleasant or even dangerous. And so at least unconsciously we are directed to make a big U-turn on the road to progress.

Can you think of a goal or project that you have abandoned mid-stream? Ever start a challenging class and drop out? Do you have unfinished projects that got the better of you and are languishing in your basement or attic or back in the closet? Did you take a nap and never get back to it?

We usually have lots of ways to rationalize this. The one I hear most often is “I’m too busy.” What we are usually too busy with are the daily routines that we complain about all the time.

Staying on the couch in front of the TV is certainly safe and comfortable. Hours can go by before you get up and go to bed. There is a reason that TV is called the “great hypnotic.” You can disappear inside it and never know you are gone. It’s hard to stay conscious in front of it.

I want to suggest that you learn to accept, acknowledge and work through the necessary discomfort that comes with the goals you have set. Instead of avoiding it, embrace it as a sign of progress. A sign that you are moving and that you are moving in the right direction.

Focus on the possibilities in your new endeavor, and open yourself up to the inspiration and help that comes when you do.

It’s All of a Piece

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, June 25th, 2010 | No Comments

In our human way of thinking we sometimes get fixated on one area of our life experiences or history. In doing that we may also get fixated on one particular aspect of life that we feel is in need of “fixing.” It is very common in Western culture to think that one thing in our life has nothing to do with the other.

Although the concepts of the body, mind and spirit being one is gaining ground in philosophical and healing circles, it is a surprise sometimes both to discover it and then to remember it. Because the mind often goes back to old paradigms that are more familiar and comfortable unless the new paradigm is reinforced and supported.

Research supports that our thought patterns affect our emotions which also affect the body. We know that if we are sick in spirit, that will be reflected in the body and mind. We know that some trauma or neglected aspect will show up somewhere else.

For instance, did you know that people who accumulate debt tend to have a history of victimization that they have not resolved? It’s true. And also true that if they face that, taking responsibility for discharging the debt, that they can heal the wounds of victimization.

Decisions and acts committed years ago come back to haunt us in very unexpected ways. Our lives are of one piece. When we avoid, deny or minimize damage we have done to ourselves or someone else, the effects of it are not lost. Even though we have pushed the memories of it way down beneath the conscious level.

On the other hand, if we face those decisions and the consequences, accept responsibility for them, seek forgiveness of ourselves and the others involved, we can heal those wounds. And then they will not morph into something else that we will have to contend with.

Are You Willing?

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 | 2 Comments

Ever have one of those days when you just don’t want to do what you know needs to be done? I expect that we all have. And sometimes that’s a signal that you have been stressed too much or worked too hard and you really need to take a break. Doing nothing can be a great way to take care of yourself.

And on the other hand feeling that way may just be your resistance to making a change. We all have it, resistance. It is a normal and unavoidable part of making changes. Your resistance may come up in the form of fear or anger or resentment. Or possibly distracting yourself with every blessed trivial thing that you can think of. (Watching TV anyone?)

Sometime our resistance shows up in the form of criticizing other people. A client asked me for a referral for someone to see her fiance. Not an unusual request really. Except that I have referred this man to at least 4 therapists, and on his own he has found his way to see a list as long as my arm. And there was something wrong with each and every one of them. One person he fired after one session because she took notes!

I doubted that there was any point in referring him again. Besides my friends are going to quit taking my referrals if I keep this up. The therapist may be a magician or genius and if the client isn’t open and willing, then it’s an exercise in futility.

You know what it’s like to have a conversation with someone who has sought your advice, and after every suggestion you make, they respond with, “Yes, but…..” And perhaps you have heard yourself do the yes, but…thing. You may hear it as criticism, but really it’s resistance.

So sometimes the most simple remedy is the best. Don’t complicate it. Just ask yourself if there is any shred of willingness in you to take one step in doing what needs to be done. You may not like it. You may feel scared. You may think of a hundred other things to do instead. But if you can tap into willingness, it will be enough to take the first step. And then the second step. And soon you will be on your way.

Are You Open to Feedback?

By JanetEisenbise on Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 | 4 Comments

“Could I offer you some feedback?” The words gave me a little chill and yet I couldn’t help but be intrigued at the same time. I knew there was some element of criticism coming, although I trusted that it would be constructive. And of course I said yes.

I was on the verge of making a big change in my life. It had been a long time in coming, and was going to involve my work, my income and my family life. It was practically all I could think about.

After researching, looking at the facts and figures, making lists, bouncing ideas off trusted friends, and waking up in the wee small hours of more nights than I care to think about, I was still not sure.

It is true that even the best informed and well intentioned person still has blind spots. There are some things we cannot see about ourselves. And we need the eyes of someone else to see for us. And that usually comes in the form of criticism. And as such, usually doesn’t feel so good.

The ego would much prefer to be stroked and stoked. Tell me what a great idea or a great job I am having or doing, and my ego will be mighty pleased! And people who are invested in pleasing us will do just that. And we will thank them for it.

The problem is that even though it feels good, it doesn’t do us much good. Like eating lots of sugar, it may taste good on the tongue, but isn’t of much lasting value and in fact can lead to some serious problems down the road.

Better than that is the well reasoned critical feedback that my friend was offering to me. And she has unusual finesse I must say. More often criticism comes blazing in with a rusty sword and feels like it hacked your arm off or stabbed you through the gizzard. And after you mop up the blood and salve your wounds, you may discover something worthwhile in it.

I want to suggest that you really look for the gold in the criticism. It is natural for your ego to be reeling and screaming in protest over someone not adoring what you are or what you have done. Our first defense in reacting is to blame the one holding the blade. “Oh yeah? What makes you so smart? You are a real idiot!” Find some comfort and calm down. Your ego may be a third grader, but the rest of you isn’t.

What is the value in what you are hearing? There likely IS some truth to what you are hearing or you wouldn’t be reacting the way you are. If you look in the mirror that has been held up to you, what blind spots have been reflected? What have you been avoiding? What have you overlooked? What might be the value in considering or exploring what has been said to you?

As you make preparations for life transitions, be sure to take the critical feedback that has been offered to you. Some of it may be of no use to you. Some of it really may be the other person’s “stuff,” and better left alone. But there is likely some element of it that may serve you well to consider and to add to your plan for moving ahead.

Money Ahead

By JanetEisenbise on Monday, June 7th, 2010 | No Comments

“First health, then wealth, then pleasure, and do not owe anything to anybody.” ~Catherine the Great

One of the factors in making any life change is money. You may wonder why a life coach would bring up this topic that seems a domain of another kind of specialist. And yet you would be hard pressed to find any topic that is so ever-present in most people’s minds and is so emotionally laden.

A couple of years ago, Joe, my friend and mentor and I were discussing how often issues of money are underlying the stresses of clients we were seeing. Usually these people came for help with other problems in mind. But it doesn’t take long for the money concerns to start popping up.

And so we decided that we were going to make a point of asking during the first few sessions about how our clients were feeling about money and how that might play a part in what was going on. Are disagreements about money causing problems in the marriage? Could money be a factor in job dissatisfaction? Are fears about money making a life change even more difficult?

I began looking for tools to suggest to the people that I work with. Providing resources for learning how to manage money, books about finances and wealth building became a part of my services.

Recently I came across some information about a new website of financial literacy education,
www.MyMoney.gov which provides resources to Americans for making personal financial decisions. The site is available in both English and Spanish.

Users will find help in planning for life events that are going to have financial implications (and which ones don’t?). They can also find information relating to their professional or personal situation.

The site provides money management tools including a calculator for savings, household budget worksheets and a college preparation checklist.

Planning to Succeed

By JanetEisenbise on Saturday, June 5th, 2010 | 1 Comment

Tulips In a Glass

“Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.” ~Oprah Winfrey

Have you noticed that when you are open to it, you can find inspiration everywhere? In thinking about this post series on life transitions, I have noticed reminders of it popping up all around.

This morning on my way to market I stopped for coffee and was listening to an NPR piece about unemployment. Scott Simon was interviewing several people in Ohio who have been looking for work for 18 months.

One of them was a union electrician who was talking about his family life and his experiences of looking for work. He said that he was “luckily” prepared for this because he had saved money for a contingency fund, had lived within his means (I took that to mean he wasn’t living on credit) and had resisted his realtor’s urging to buy more house than he could afford.

True, he was getting nervous as time went on. Day after day he calls in to see if there is work available. He is still #35 on the list, and he hopes work comes available before his contingency fund runs out.

But this is obviously more than luck. It is the flip side of that adage, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” This man had planned and prepared for a possible change in his work situation. And as a result has been able to support his family while he rides out the storm.

The Short View

By JanetEisenbise on Saturday, June 5th, 2010 | No Comments

Life transitions can arrive without warning and in the blink of an eye. And sometimes you see them coming and can only brace yourself for the arrival of an event that will change your life forever.

I was in the hair salon last week and overhearing a conversation between a customer and stylist beside me. They were talking about a daughter who is going on her first trip abroad with her high school language class. The lady in the chair was her mother and she was saying that she was “trying not to think about” the upcoming trip because she couldn’t stand the anxiety of having her daughter so far away from home.

When the stylist asked how much longer it would be before the daughter left for college, they both agreed that she really wouldn’t think about that!

I can understand that impulse to avoid thinking about major life changes. After all who doesn’t have nightmares at some point over imagining the death of someone dear? Or dreading rumors over job layoffs or stories of catastrophic illness affecting a friend or acquaintance?

My friend Mike, a psychologist, says, “Avoidance isn’t all bad!” And while I’m sure he’s right, it can also increase anxiety while you’re doing it. And you may be missing an opportunity to make some preparations that could make a difference later.

The thing is that even if you do think about these possible events, and even if you have a grand scheme of being prepared as best you can for them, thinking about it isn’t the same as actually experiencing it.

You still will be gobsmacked when they occur. And as you deal with the emotional turmoil (hopefully with a lot of support and help) and regain your senses, you will need to take the short view of your life circumstances and make some changes.

Here are some things to consider and to do:

Take some time to cope with any shock, sadness, anger or other emotion that you are experiencing. Take time from work and your usual schedule. The world will not stop spinning; I don’t care how essential you are to your company or business.

Take stock of your basic needs for food, shelter, health. This is the time to ask for help, and to trust that those who know and love you will be eager to do something but won’t know what until you open your mouth and tell them. Do you need meals? the laundry done? groceries bought? cleaning? company? appointments made or canceled?

Take stock of your financial and legal affairs. You may want the help and support of a trusted friend as you do this. A second pair of eyes and a clear mind are invaluable. Make an appointment with your financial adviser and lawyer to make sure that all the documents you need are taken care of and signed. Is it time to update your will?

Lighten your schedule, eliminating things for awhile that are energetically taxing. Your sense of what is important and what isn’t will be radically altered, at least for awhile. Give yourself permission to make yourself and family the priority. Again, the earth will not stop spinning. You will know when it’s time to begin a return to those activities that you want to do.

The common wisdom of delaying important decision making for a full year after a big life change, particularly in the case of a death, may make sense. But the important thing is to take the time to recover, assess your own situation and then listen to yourself. And get some help in sorting things out. Call a coach or therapist to listen and ask the questions that may not occur to you.

Small Picture Big Picture

By JanetEisenbise on Thursday, June 3rd, 2010 | No Comments

Ostrich ferns

Life transitions have a way of making you take stock. In either one or two ways:

The short view involves seeing where you were, what you might be losing or gaining, and figuring out what in the heck to do next.
The long view takes into account who you think you are, what you intend your life to be about, and (in ten years, say) where you intend to be.

It seems to me both from assisting clients through life transitions (launching an adult life, marriage, becoming a parent, divorce, career change, the empty nest, caregiving,) and in dealing with my own, that both have their uses.

When the transition is not one we choose, such as the death of a spouse, the emotional turmoil and the concrete matters must be taken care of first. Or the highly charged change of divorce, even if you have chosen it, means taking care of the immediate essentials.

When the grieving process has progressed and life is stable again, then it will be time to take the long view.

Or consider the case of Marie, whose daughter will begin high school next year. She is beginning to develop a five year plan to prepare for the next phase of her life when her nest will be empty.
This is the perfect use of the long view to look at the big picture of her life.

Life transitions or changes are unavoidable. And since they mark periods of growth and development, we can at least accept that they will occur. And can make the most of them if we choose. The next few blog posts will continue to consider how to use these two approaches.

Taking Care of the Caregiver

By JanetEisenbise on Saturday, May 29th, 2010 | 2 Comments

If you are a member of the Baby Boomer generation, chances are that you have been or are a caretaker. We have also been called “the sandwich generation” because we are living between caring for our children (who are either in college or launching into adult life) and our aging parents who are often becoming more dependent on help to meet their needs.

The greatest challenge in being a caregiver is to meet someone else’s needs and find some balance by taking care of your own. It reminds me of those days when rearing young children was both rewarding and exhausting by turn.

Younger readers will relate to what is sometimes a struggle as they take care of children, forge a career and try to squeeze in some time for relationships and self care.

Whatever your age, becoming a caregiver seems to have some factors in common which complicate the job. And whether you have chosen the job (as in electing to become a parent) or had it foisted upon you (as in an elderly parent becoming injured or sick) dealing with your emotions can be the hard part. Probably the biggest one is guilt. Read the rest of this entry »

Coming Out of the Tunnel

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 | No Comments

"Everything works out in the end.
If it hasn't worked out,
it's not the end."
~Unknown

Perhaps it was driving west on the Pennsylvania Turnpike that inspired the metaphor. There are four tunnels (I was thinking there used to be five) to pass through as you head west through the mountains toward the state line. Traveling with a friend to my son's wedding in Cincinnati, we were commenting on the feat of engineering that the tunnels represent.

On a bright day there is a marked contrast as you go into the dark, dimly lit tunnel and then pass through the other end, back into the bright sunlight.

I am feeling that sort of experience this morning as I am in "wedding recovery mode." For the past two days I have managed to unpack, put things away, do the basic tasks of daily living, get to the office to see my clients, go to meditation circle last night, and that's about it.

For two or three weeks prior to the wedding, I was in preparation mode. Shopping, planning, sewing two dresses, planning some more, emailing and phoning to keep up with details and arrangements, packing and on and on. And dealing with the emotions that came up with it. Anticipation, excitement and anxiety. Would I get everything done? What if I forgot something?

As it turned out, the wedding was beautiful. I did get there with everything I needed and immensely enjoyed the events including the parts that I had planned. Of course there was loads of personal interaction, a reunion with family members, meeting new extended family members, old friends and new. Lots to experience and to process later.

And now, coming out of the wedding tunnel, I am looking around and blinking in the bright light of my life. It seems ages since I attended to my blog, my business building, my writing, tracking my finances, and even tending to my house. There are friends I haven't seen or talked to in weeks. My living space needs some TLC.

What to do when you feel a tad overwhelmed and discombobulated? My life coach (daughter) suggests that I pick one goal and complete it. Keep it simple. As that has the ring of wisdom sounding through it, I agree. The goal was to write this blog post before heading to the office for the afternoon and evening. And then before going to bed, I intend to make a work plan for the rest of the week. It will provide an outline for me to proceed with picking up the various pursuits of my life. Simple baby steps.

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