Today while thinking about the New Year and preparing for bringing our intentions into reality, I was reminded of how important it is to clear out what no longer serves us. This may mean paper and computer files (have you noticed what clutter you are harboring?) or clothing that you haven’t worn in years. It may also be unhealthy habits, be they of thinking or behavior.
Then I came across a post that was originally posted in 2011, and I thought it was worthy of a re-run. And so here it is.
There’s no doubt in my mind that the greatest enemy of good self esteem is perfectionism. And it’s also the greatest enemy of your peace of mind.
It doesn’t take much rational thought to see why this is true. What on earth can you see in your daily life that is perfect? Certainly human beings, as much as we may love them, are never perfect. And so neither are our relationships. And any undertaking we make may be excellent, but never perfect.
Elaine told me that her mother admired tall, thin, blonde girls. She was frequently pointing out one or another girl in Elaine’s class or on the streets of their town, telling Elaine how pretty that girl looked. It wasn’t lost on Elaine that she was athletic, short and stocky with dark brown hair and brown eyes. Quite different than the “perfect picture” that her mother lifted up as the ideal. Clearly, Elaine was never going to make that team!
We get these ideal images from our parents, and also are inundated with them every time we open a magazine, turn on the television or watch a movie. Our bodies, our clothing, our relationships, our jobs, cars and homes are all held up in comparison with perfection. Even our children “should” be in the right sports, schools and activities in order to reach some mythical perfect standards.
For quite a few years I was an ardent fan of a famous Domestic Diva, and bought her magazines, cook books, and watched her television program when I could catch it. I was smitten with the perfect pictures of food, crafts and rooms with their soothing, trademark colors. As her queendom grew, so did the number of her homes (how many homes can one person live in?), the elegant meals and complicated deserts. It occurred to me that these pictures of perfection were only made possible by the work of a gigantic cadre of minions who designed and executed the perfect gardens, recipes and craft projects.
A capable cook (if I do say so myself) I could slave over holiday meals or special deserts captured in the perfect pictures. But what about setting the perfect table with handmade decorations? Well, maybe if I started the month before (which I almost never did). And then what about the perfect room that my guests would eat that meal in? When it came down to it, I was pressed to have everything picked up and cleaned in time. Alas, I am a woman without even one minion to do my bidding.
As I was falling out of love with the Diva, I started to cringe when I heard her use the word, “Perfect!” on the episode I was watching. This was occurring at the same time I was becoming aware that I lived with the dragon Perfectionism myself. And what a misery it is!
You may notice that whatever picture you have in your mind about the perfect body, clothes, job, spouse, meal, etc., that it makes a moving target. There is nothing that escapes the beady eyes of your inner critic! Listen to your inner voice if you don’t believe me. Or listen to how you accept a compliment. You may sweat over finding the perfect dress for that dinner party; spend hours getting yourself put together. And when the first person compliments you, you say something like,
“Thanks but… (insert) I need to lose a few pounds, I was worried that it was too short or too long, I’m not sure it’s my color, or I’m afraid it makes my butt look too big.”
Picking out what doesn’t measure up to that picture of perfection is a great way to undermine self esteem. Struggling to reach some impossible standard is guaranteed to lower your self confidence!
Instead of being the Perfect Mom, could you be a Good Enough Mom? Meaning you can rear a child that is healthy, happy and grows up to be a contributing member of society. Yes, s/he will be another imperfect human. Instead of struggling to be the Perfect Cook/ Home Maker/ Professional What-ever/ Spouse, could you be Good Enough?
Knowing that you are a growing, developing, learning human who enjoys success and learns from failure (and yes, endures it because no one thinks it is fun!) you might loosen up enough to have fun, live in the moment, experiment (more fun), be curious and actually enjoy your life. The pictures may inspire us, but leave it at that. Use them for ideas, admire their beauty, and remember that that is all they do.
Most of all look for the beauty in your own rooms, or your own table in the meal that you serve. Enjoy the charm, warmth and uniqueness of the relationships that are a part of your life. And most of all, feel gratitude and appreciation for you…the lovable human being that you are.