About JanetEisenbise

Janet helps people find new direction when facing life transitions with success life coaching. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Central PA, as well as a coaching practice which makes her services available in your location. She is also a writer and workshop presenter.

The Widom to Know the Difference

Posted on February 22, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

There has been a lot of talk lately about the weather. It seems that no matter where you live, the winter weather this year has been just plain weird. In my neck of the woods, it has been very mild with little snow fall. In fact we had the most substantial snow at Halloween! And a couple of small snows that quickly melted.

There seem to be two schools of thought about this. One group is worried that this is the result of global warming, that the atmosphere is heating up from greenhouse gasses and that this mild weather bodes ill. That group is joined by those hearty souls who choose to live in a four season climate for good reason, and they love snow and are missing it because the skiing is lousy and ice skating or cross country skiing or snowshoeing is non-existent.

And then the other group is exclaiming over their good fortune because except for the Halloween snow, there has been little to no shoveling, and frankly they love the mild temperatures. Their lives have been without the usual winter disruptions and they hope this trend lasts. I never hear them mention the specter of polar bears swimming long distances.

This all reminds me that it’s a good thing that human kind has not figured out how to control the weather. And it also reminds me that other than practicing good stewardship of Mother Earth and our natural resources, we don’t have direct control of much at all.

Years ago I was attending a continuing education conference in psychology and addiction, and the presenter began by asking, “Has it occurred to you that you have very little control of anything in your life?” Well actually it had NOT occurred to me at that point, and I remember having an out of body experience, as if someone had hit a big gong right beside my head.

Since the idea was obviously resonating with me in a way that was impossible to ignore, there was no denying that to at least some extent, her statement was true. Very bad news for a young control freak who was in denial.

But in the intervening years, with the benefit of more life experience, therapy and education, I have come to accept the truth of it. We really control very little. Other people’s choices, beliefs and behaviors are outside our domain, regardless of our possibly strong judgments and attempts to gain control. This is why war doesn’t work very well for conflict resolution. The current global financial and political climates seem to follow cycles that are also not in anyone’s direct control. Although if you listen to the news in an election year, there is plenty of finger wagging and blaming going on.

We certainly don’t control our own emotions very well, although we are responsible for the behaviors that we choose to do when we act out on them. And we can learn to understand ourselves and how to manage better. Despite our best attempts to safeguard our health, we all are going to age and eventually die. And the losses that come with a long life span are inevitable and in fact necessary.

So how do we cope with this uncomfortable truth and still be responsible human beings? How do we maintain hope and optimism? How do we dream our dreams and set goals and move toward them if we can’t control what happens? This all seems quite paradoxical.

Personally I believe that we can cope when we take a spiritual perspective. The ego believes that resources are limited and that we are separate from each other and a higher power, and that we need more and more to “get ahead.” On the other hand when we see that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, then we can appreciate that we are all connected to each other, that we’re here to learn from our experiences, and that each one is valuable, even when painful or difficult.

Despite our lack of direct control, we are empowered when we accept responsibility for co-creating the life we lead, developing a vision of a life well lived, act as good stewards of the earth and of each other. We are empowered by careful observation followed by thoughtful and intentional action. We are empowered when our behaviors are aligned with our higher values and vision.

Do we do this perfectly? Not as long as we are human beings. It seems that our path is wobbly and uncertain at times, no matter how well intentioned we are. And every day we wake up, we get to choose all over again. And as we go, we are more accepting that there are lots of things we do not control, but instead we have the ongoing opportunity to choose well, and to do what we can for each other and for the higher quality of life.

Familiar from the 12 Step Traditions, “The Serenity Prayer”

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

Can Hypnosis Help My Self Esteem?

Posted on February 17, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

“No amount of self improvement can make up for a lack of self-acceptance”
~Robert Holden~

Self esteem has been called the psychological “Magic X-Factor.” Why is that? No doubt because the self image we hold in our minds forms the bedrock for almost everything we think and how we feel and behave in all areas of life. This powerful element begins to be formed at a very early age and continues to be affected and shaped by the experiences we have throughout our lifespan.

Self-esteem is one of the most important aspects influencing your performance and success in many areas of life. It can help you get a job (and keep on getting promotions!). It can help you make friends and get dates. And people with high self-esteem generally feel happier, healthier, and more stable and secure.

Don Hamachek is a highly respected author and researcher in the field of psychology. He’s had a big influence on studies of self-esteem and interpersonal relationships. His research was published in Encounters with Others (New York: Holt, Rinehart, & Wilson, 1982). Here are some of his and other’s findings on the importance of self-esteem:

People with high self-esteem . . .
* Usually see other people in a better light, too.
* Expect other people to like and accept them.
* Perform better in high pressure situations, and do better work when the standards are high.
* Feel confident and secure enough to shrug off negative comments from others.
* Put good self care on their schedule. Don’t feel “selfish” when they take time for vacation, go to the gym, relax or take a nap.
* Allow themselves to have fun and tend to enjoy their work.
*Are willing to take risks in making changes that will bring them to a higher level of work or relationships.
*Tend to be accepting of themselves without expecting perfection.

On the other hand, people with low self-esteem . . .
* Frequently dislike others.
* Expect that other people will dislike and reject them.
* Have trouble performing under pressure, and find it hard to work in demanding environments.
* Are more vulnerable to negative comments and reactions from others.
* Can’t remember when they last had fun, and if you ask them what fun is, they can’t tell you.
* Often put caring for themselves last on their list. Taking care of kids, spouse, friends or job almost always takes precedence.
* Are more likely to feel unhappy and dissatisfied or victimized at work and in relationships, yet are very reluctant or resistant to changing anything.
* Tend to be very critical of themselves.

These tendencies can spill over into all areas of a person’s life, with big consequences. That’s why self-esteem is the critical factor – it’s one of those make-or-break variables that has the power to transform your life, for good or bad. High self-esteem is a little like a magic spell that works in any number of situations.

If you’re struggling in any area of your life, whether personal or professional, it’s possible that your problems are just symptoms of a bigger problem: low self-esteem. Find a way to improve your self-esteem, and you can expect things to start improving in lots of ways.

Is hypnosis therapy a useful tool in improving your self esteem? Yes, it has been shown to be so. Clinical hypnosis is now recognized by the medical profession to be an effective treatment modality. It is safe when you are following the suggestions of a certified professional, because really all hypnosis is self hypnosis. It is an intense focus of your mind, and you are not going to do anything that would be contrary to your own beliefs and standards. No one can make you do anything against your will.

There are many great applications of hypnosis that are available for helping you improve your health, alter bad habits, eliminate anxiety, and improve your self esteem. If you have been frustrated in the past, I urge you to explore the hypnosis options for resolving those “sticky wickets” that may be plaguing you!

Core Inner Strength, a hypnosis program developed by Dr. Shirley McNeal, is a fun and easy way to improve your self-esteem. In just four hypnotic sessions, you will discover the life-changing secrets behind experiencing comfort and safety in yourself, raising your self-esteem and self-confidence, and finding your inner strength.

To learn more about Dr. McNeals’s program, click here:http://www.hypnosisnetwork.com/hypnosis/self_esteem.php

A Secret to Attraction

Posted on February 6, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people
live in a hostile world. Same world.”
~Wayne Dyer~

Remember that old adage “In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend?” Well, like a lot of those old adages there is a level of truth in it that may not be obvious at first blush.

I was listening to someone telling me yesterday that she didn’t have anyone in her network that she could turn to for support and comfort. She was in dire straits and really needed it too.

Seems that she had some superficial friendships at work, but she didn’t trust anyone enough to tell them what was really going on. She had been burned in the past and wasn’t taking any chances.

Later another person was telling me that she didn’t have a life partner because there aren’t any good men out there. Now I would love to have a dollar for every time I’ve been told that by both women and men!

How do you suppose it is that some people have a great network of friends? And some have spouses with reasonably happy relationships? Are they just lucky? Is it because they are beautiful or handsome, have money or drive just the right car?

Ad companies would have us believe that. But it just ain’t so.

No doubt it has something to do with where you go and who you see. After all, no one is going to come knocking on your door and beg you to come out with them.

But I think it has more to do with who you are. This is where attraction comes in. For years the developments in the field of quantum physics has been revealing the principles of attraction that are naturally at work in everyday life. Essentially it means that we are creating the lives we have by attracting the elements to us.

Think of it like a big old magnet inside of you. You are magnetically drawing toward you what you need and desire in your life. But the secret to it is that the magnet matches who you really are. Our thoughts, beliefs and emotions vibrate at a particular frequency. We “broadcast” or emit that frequency and receive at the same frequency. If you have poor self esteem and pity yourself for all you lack, you can’t help but be receiving people into your life who vibrate at that same frequency.

So it does no good to wish for a mate who is reliable and honest if you are flighty and play loose with the truth. Or if you want someone is who trustworthy if you are not. Whatever you have on your list you need to BE. If you want a friend or mate with certain values, you need to live those values yourself.

While opposites in temperament sometimes do attract, generally speaking, successful people are drawn to other successful people. People who are kind and compassionate are generally drawn to similar people.

So after you make that list of qualities you desire in a relationship, check yourself out to see how you would fit the bill. What will it feel like to BE that yourself? When you can own that fully, and feel that fully, you will see that person you attracted coming your way.

Quote to Live By

Posted on February 3, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

“Every morning you are handed twenty-four golden hours. They are one of the few things in this world that you get free of charge. If you had all the money in the world, you couldn’t buy an extra hour. What will you do with this priceless treasure? Remember, you must use it, as it is given only once. Once wasted, you cannot get it back.”

~Source Unknown

A Day of Stinkin’ Thinkin’

Posted on January 30, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

Several folks have told me this week that they woke up feeling awful or anxious or something else negative. And that it was downhill from there for the rest of the day. Not that unusual a conversation starter in my line of work. And then I had a day like that myself…first time in a long time.

By 10AM I was well mired in doom and gloom, and then by 10:15 asked myself what was up with this? Several things occurred to me. Asking that question pushed me into Observer Mode rather than Reactor Mode. One thing was for sure: I was in the midst of doing some stinkin’ thinkin’ which was responsible for my glum mood and low energy.

This is how it works; it’s a big chain reaction in which one event gives rise to the next, and on and on, over and over again throughout the day. Or a few minutes if we are paying attention and intercede. Or a week, month, year or lifetime if we don’t.

The Trigger Event is something that occurs outside of us; something that we generally have no control over.
The Trigger Event in turn brings up a Thought. There are times when an emotion is instantly triggered, but it’s usually a thought.
Emotion is then shaped by the thought. And these two factors, thought and emotion can go back and forth either strengthening the emotion or bringing up different emotions.
Behavior comes next. We choose a behavior and this is the point where we have all the choice in the world, as well as the responsibility for whatever we do.
Consequence is the last link in the chain. There is always some kind of consequence to the behavior that we do, and while we may predict it, the full consequence is out of our hands or control.

Here is an example of how this chain works. Robert is getting ready for work and half watching and listening to a morning television show while he dresses. He hears some bad news about the national economy (Trigger Event). His immediate thought is something like, “Things are just getting worse everywhere! What’s the use?” (Thought). This in turn evokes feelings of fear and helplessness (Emotion). He goes on for awhile thinking more along these lines until his emotions are amplified. By now he is taking this personally and wondering when his own job might be terminated, probably without notice. When his wife comes into the room to ask about when she should ask for time off the vacation they have planned, he curtly replies that she should forgot about a vacation this year; they can’t afford it! (Behavior). His bewildered wife asks why on earth he is saying this since they have saved for the vacation, and all their expenses are already covered. An argument ensues and as they both drive off to work, they both feel angry and frustrated. (Consequence).

If you were to ask Robert what was wrong, he would likely tell you about the news event, how it “made him feel” and go on a rant about how bad things are and how he wouldn’t be at all surprised if his employer would lay him off at any time. As he sees it the bad news is responsible for his bad mood and it doesn’t help that his wife “just doesn’t get it.” Her head is obviously stuck in the sand or she would be ready to cancel their vacation too because it is a frivolous waste of money, in light of how bad things are.

If Robert were aware of his own thought-emotion chain, he could see that he is reacting to the news story and that he has other options. There are no doubt many other people who saw the same news story and had very different reactions to it. It isn’t the trigger event itself that causes Robert’s misery; it is his thoughts about it that are responsible. If he becomes aware and challenges his thoughts, beliefs and assumptions, it is possible to have a perfectly fine day, be in a good mood and continue planning the vacation with his wife.

When you hear yourself make comments such as, “You make me really mad!” or “You make me really happy!” or “So-and-so is driving me crazy!” or “Such and such made me worry all day,” pay attention because you have just zipped down the Trigger Event-Thought-Emotion-Behavior-Consequence chain of events.

The truth is that no one and nothing can “make” you feel anything. Each of us is responsible for the emotions we feel and what we do with them. If the responsibility seems daunting, when you challenge yourself to pay attention and change them, you will feel much more empowered. And isn’t that what we are going for?

Strange Teachers

Posted on January 18, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

” The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called ‘truth’.” ~Dan Rather~

Do you remember a favorite teacher? Or maybe you were fortunate enough to have several. Those gifted women and men who had a mission in life, and were able to connect with you in a way that gave you a mission too, at least for a little while. Even if you don’t remember the facts they taught (I was right when I said I would have no use for algebra!) your mind was expanded and perhaps most importantly because she or he cared about you and the kind of human being you could become.

Fortunately we don’t have to be in a formal education setting to find a teacher with a valuable lesson. They may come in the guise of a boss or a mentor. I have been surprised to find them in the children I have known. Sometimes the most poignant and yes, painful lessons, have come with the experience of being a parent.

The greatest gift of relationships in general is that they hold a mirror up to reflect our own image, and if we are willing students we learn a lot through them. Although we prefer our pleasant and close relationships, the conflicts that inevitably surface are true teaching moments. If we can get out of the angry blaming mode and take a good look in the mirror, we will catch a glimpse of truth about ourselves that we haven’t seen before.

There are patterns in those conflicts that are telling. And because the patterns tend to repeat over the years, we could look at our part in them and learn something valuable. Maybe the strangest teacher of all is that person that you really can’t stand. The one that gets on your last nerve. The one you find yourself ranting about to your friends or in your own head. They have qualities that you reject, even find repellant.

This is dark stuff. Dark in the way that Carl Jung called the shadow. Not necessarily evil, but rather “in the dark.” That stuff we can see readily in other people, but not in ourselves. As a matter of fact, Jung said that true evil was in not facing our own shadow. We tend to defend against looking at that uncomfortable dark stuff by projecting it onto others and getting self-righteous about how we are not like them.

The next time you are poked by this “sharp stick” try this: repeat the phrase “just like me.” For instance I have to confess to some self-righteousness about Hummer owners, and when I saw them on the road, I would mutter to myself about how they are a part-of- the-posterior-that-we-don’t-say-out-loud-in-polite-company, if you get my drift. I started adding “…just like me,” to the end of the name I was calling them, and immediately had to laugh.

The next time you are arguing or complaining, try this. “You are an idiot…just like me.” “You are lazy…just like me.” “Harry is irresponsible…just like me.” “Republicans (or Democrats or Christians or Jews or Europeans are _________ just like me.” The effect of this is immediate in that it releases anger, fear and judgment, at least for the moment. And in that moment a little light will shine into your own shadow. And if you are brave enough to look, you might see something about yourself that on the surface, may seem ugly. But when fully explored may hold the keys to your own emotional freedom.

Adding Value to Life

Posted on January 16, 2012 by JanetEisenbise

The other day someone told me a story about her son, a young adult who was working at a job he was not so crazy about. After graduating from college, he has been unable to land a position in the field for which he prepared. So the job he has is paying the bills, but not as well as he hoped, and he is angry and resentful about it. And he’s complaining a lot.

Of course anyone who listens to the news or talks to their neighbors knows this is unfortunately a common story. Some may even comment that this young man is lucky to have a job at all. No doubt he has already heard that, and I doubt that it cheered him up much.

It made me wonder if he might identify with another young man, whom we’ll call Tim, who was serving tables at a restaurant where a friend and I were eating dinner a couple of weeks ago. It is an upscale place, nice atmosphere, varied menu and good food. What seemed a little discordant was the server’s manner and attitude. Not exactly rude, but too casual and unconcerned. His service was like that too, and it took several requests to get what we wanted and needed. He was slow, and we waited for some time for our coffee refills and checks at the end of the meal.

Luckily, we were enjoying our conversation, so were somewhat distracted. It seemed obvious to me that he was unhappy about his job. I know from personal experiences of my own that waiting tables is hard work, and putting up with some customers makes it difficult at times. I would never leave without tipping because of that, but I can assure you that Tim would have made out a lot better had he added value to our dining experience instead of taking away from it.

Contrast this with another person, a woman who was laid off from her professional job due to funding cut-backs. After weeks of looking, she was able to find a job with a local florist. She liked the company and the people she worked with, but the pay was considerably less than she had been earning. She had to cut back on expenses to make ends meet. She could be upset and complaining about this, but she isn’t.

Instead she is investing her energy and attention in this job, not just showing up and putting in her time. She isn’t treating it like a sort of temporary gig that she is just getting through until something better comes along. She is attentive and eager to learn the new skills in caring for flowers and arranging them. On her own time she looked up more information that added value to her work and to her employer’s business.

She had some ideas about the business end from her past professional experiences, and her boss was happy and appreciative of those ideas and implemented them. I have been impressed with her optimism and cheerfulness as she deals with customers and co-workers. I think that her customers will not only be happy to pay for the arrangements she produces, but will probably tell their friends what a great place that shop is.

When you have a great customer service experience, don’t you recommend that place to your friends? I know I do. And I feel happy about sending them more business.

When you go to work, either paid or volunteer, do you add value to the experiences of other people? When you interact, do you invest your attention and energies to the situation at hand? There are at least three good reasons to do that.

You will be of much greater service to others. Your employer or the organization is going to profit from your focus and positive work ethic. Even if it is not the ultimate goal of your lifetime, it will more likely lead to recognition, good networking and eventually a next step in the right direction for your life.
You are going to benefit because a positive attitude is energizing and promotes good mental and physical health. When you are going out of your way to learn new things, perform more efficiently and support and help others, you are much happier in general. Moving forward is so much easier in this way than when you are resentful or fearful that you aren’t doing what you hoped you would be.
We tend to attract the same qualities that we are “putting out there.” So if you are feeling negative, you convey that to everyone around you whether you try to cover it up or not. Your unconscious mind is communicating with every other unconscious mind around you, and the results or feedback (or paycheck or tip) that you get reflects it. If people are giving you wide berth, you might ask yourself why and listen for an honest answer.

When it comes down to it, today is the day that you have. No matter if you were guaranteed to live to 100, all you really have to work with is the moment you are in. Living in the past, or wishing for the future will not help you live the life of your dreams. If you are waiting around for things to get better, stop it now! No matter what your situation is, you have the power to add value to others and yourself by waking up to the possibilities, taking action and doing whatever you can to make your little part of the world a better place. I urge you to do so.