Monthly Archives: September 2010

What Do You Value?

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In the five element healing tradition, fall is represented by metal, and the function associated with it is sorting out what is of value and what is not.  We have just passed the vernal equinox, so it’s officially fall now.  Hard to believe that we are down to the last 100 days of the year.

Although there is no bad time to think about your values and how you are using them to build your life, fall seems the perfect time to do this.  If you live in my neck of the woods, you can see that Mother Nature is doing the same; the old leaves, which served an important function during spring and summer, are starting to turn and fall off the trees.

Take a look around you.  Take a peek at your desk top and your inbox.  If you are like me, you may have a stack of papers or emails that you might “get around to” at some point, that are taking up space and providing distraction.  Periodically it helps to turn on the shredder and clear off the desk.  I also recently went through email and unsubscribed to a dozen lists.  There’s nothing wrong with them.  It’s just that I don’t want to spend all that time reading newsletters or wading through an inbox thinking that some day I will take time to read them.  As they age, I probably won’t.

Does the content of your storage spaces, your closets, drawers, book cases and files really reflect what is important to you?  Do those contents serve your creative or your business or family life? Or are they jammed with things that are from your past life or with items that you once thought seemed like a good idea, but that you have never really put to use?

Don’t hang on to them thinking that maybe some day you will use them. if you haven’t used them in the past year, you probably won’t.  Donate them so that someone else will benefit.  Or sell them in a consignment shop and use the money for some constructive purpose.  Recycle the things that don’t fit either category.

In this process, notice that the things you keep and live with reflect what is important to you.  Make sure that those items are truly speaking the truth about what you value.

The Problem with Avoidance

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“Avoidance isn’t all bad,” he said to me.

“No, I don’t suppose it is, especially if you are talking about scorpions or venomous snakes or black widow spiders,” I replied.

But as a life strategy, it leaves something to be desired.  And avoiding “negative” emotions or situations that trigger them doesn’t work in the long run.  I’m not sure how they have come to be called “negative,” because they really aren’t.  Experiencing them sometimes is unpleasant, but like joy, excitement, and pride, they come to tell us something that we need to know.

And here’s the problem with avoidance as a defense against feeling emotion.  We can’t honestly pick and choose which emotions we will allow to register.  When we really block feeling, we cut ourselves off from our essential self.  Our intellect may be great as a problem solver and strategist, but if we are functioning solely in the logical brain, we are missing the “juice” of life.  That which motivates us, rewards us and tells us what we need is missing.

I think it’s important not to mistake the message of Positive Psychology with a love affair with “positive” emotions.  The idea is not to package some positive thoughts and smear them on top of the negative thoughts and feelings that we may in the habit of generating.

As humans we need to accept and allow the full range of emotion:  joy, anger, sorrow, shame, pride, fear, disgust, and excitement or anticipation.  Ironically, we get the opposite effect when we avoid:  the emotion or situation that evokes it gets stronger and more problematic.  I can’t remember what wise person said, “What we resist persists.”

The psychologist Carl Jung said, “Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.  It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.”

When we can accept what we are feeling, and accept ourselves for feeling whatever it is, then the tension goes out and the emotional experience is more short-lived.  When we can get the message that the emotion brings, we can breathe deeply and allow it to pass.

What can you do if the emotion is persisting and interfering with your life?  Perhaps you have an unconscious habit of thought/feeling/behavior that is well practiced and blocking the experiences that you really desire.  The Emotional Freedom Technique also known as Meridian Tapping can be a great help.  Using acupuncture points on the hands and upper body, EFT is a system that helps release beliefs and emotions that are habitual and cause problems.  There is a free e-book available if you click here:

http://tinyurl.com/yfglkjx

Tis the Season

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…for Seasonal Affective Disorder, that is.  Although by now I know this is coming (after all, it is near the vernal equinox and the daylight is getting shorter by the day) I was a bit taken aback when the characteristic “brain fog” descended with a vengeance yesterday.

You may have heard of SAD or be wondering what it is.  Basically, it is a clinical depression which is brought about by too little natural sunlight.  It is probably more common and untreated than we know.

Very frequently when I ask a client who has intermittent problems with depression, whether they notice an onset of it, or worsening of the symptoms in fall and winter, they will often say yes. Here are some common symptoms.  See if you recognize some or all of them.

  • feelings of fatigue or lack of energy
  • lack of motivation
  • irritability
  • problems concentrating
  • forgetfulness
  • feeling blue, sad or discouraged
  • helplessness and hopelessness
  • carbohydrate craving or loss of appetite
  • problems with sleep, either insomnia or wanting to sleep all day
  • loss of interest in things that usually appeal to you

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Dare to Doubt

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“The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth.”    ~Pierre Abelard

It seems to me that being doubtful is generally underrated.  As a matter of fact, being doubtful of what you have been told and generally believed, is mighty uncomfortable.  And there are plenty of people who have been told that doubting is a bad thing.

Avoiding doubt is one way to stay in your comfort zone.  There is no boat rocking if we can hold to the “party line” of what we have been taught.  We can be assured of the approval of others and not have to deal with the discomfort of risking the opposite:  their disapproval.

And what’s so bad about the comfort zone?  We all have them and we all experience a lot of resistance to stepping outside them.  This is what makes change so difficult after all.

You can tell that you are stuck in a comfort zone if you have been unable to change some aspect of your life that you really do want to be different.  For instance if you have been unable to increase your income level, or change careers, or improve or establish an intimate relationship, or change or improve the state of your health.

Getting out of your comfort zone requires that you change the way you are thinking as well as change what you are doing.  This usually requires some doubt about our habitual thought that we believed to be true.

It’s important to recognize that we don’t know what we don’t know. We might be suffering from a “hardening of the attitudes.” What would be the signs that you have fallen prey to such a condition?

Do you observe yourself avoiding discussions of an opposing point of view?  Have you read any books or magazines or online material exploring different possibilities than the ones you hold dear?  Can you hear the creaking of the hinges of your mind as you open it a little?

If you can dare to doubt, it is possible to open up those areas of your life that have been fixed in place by years of habit.  It will require courage on your part because while we are in a state of not knowing, we feel vulnerable.  You must risk some mistake making and a willingness to observe and learn for yourself what is true for you.

Ironic but true, not knowing opens the way to discovering your authentic self.  It will also bring you to the doorway of a truly creative life.

Who Are You, Really?

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“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.  To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits
in  the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.”   ~Helen Keller

The best thing about my work is that I get to assist people in discovering who they really are.  Sometimes it’s like an excavation project to get to our authenticity.  We often unconsciously carry layers of what we think others expect of us.  And sometimes we are aware of these expectations and are too afraid to shrug them off.

Parents in a well-meaning attempt to shape and civilize us often give us messages about our personalities and abilities that begin the formation of a self image.  And often in their fears for our safety and future well-being let us know what they expect in terms of our abilities and what we ought to do.

I grew up in a family of teachers and in an era when women had a few acceptable options for occupations (in addition to being wives and mothers of course).  Nurses, secretaries and teachers.  It was understood that I would go to college and that being able to support myself (in case something happened to my husband) was important.  Teaching was it.  In my meeting with the guidance counselor in my senior year, he noted that my interest in the outdoors was unusually high for a girl, and that I might marry a farmer or a forest ranger.  No I’m not making that up.

Fortunately for the generation that follows me, such restrictions seem impossible and even funny.  But even now adults of every age are still affected by what they perceive to be the opinions and expectations of others.  And in an attempt to comply and please, we sometimes make choices that hide who we really are.

And the effects of those choices are both large and small.  Tom is a cardiac surgeon largely because his mother began a campaign when he was 5 years old telling him he was “the smart one” and should be a doctor.  Susan as a nurse and the eldest daughter is feeling resentful and exhausted in a role of primary caregiver to her aging mother and the “go to” person for the rest of her family.  Marty gave herself permission to pursue her passion for art only after her retirement as the CEO of a large corporation.  Dan has a reputation of being the jokester and life of the party, but really he is happiest when he’s by himself fishing.  Acting happy has become a burden that he doesn’t know how to shed.

If you will allow yourself the time and space for real exploration, you will hear the small, still voice within you.  It is calling you to your authentic life.  It may be speaking through your dreams.  Or as uncomfortable as it may be, you may feel it in your fantasies and yearnings.

If you take courage in hand and follow it, it will bring you to life.  Notice when you take those first steps that you feel more energetic and clear-headed.  You will know that you are on the right path.

A Little Goes a Long Way

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There isn’t any doubt that as human beings, we are wired to be goal setting, achieving human beings.  We need to have choices to make and to take steps toward something in order to be healthy and satisfied.  Being successful requires our mental focus and actions that move us along toward the change we desire.

But did you know that the opposite of all that work is also necessary?  We need time off.  There is a sort of oscillation of work and play or relaxation that is essential.  If you are relying on your will power to push on and on despite fatigue and stress, you are going to either burn out or make yourself sick. Or both.

At one time having the 7th day off was a part of the rhythm of everyone’s work life.  It isn’t anymore, and yet we need the equivalent of that to stay healthy.  And the quality of our work suffers without that break too.

How can you make sure that your own oscillation between work and relaxation or play is in place?  Would you consider learning and using short breaks for a 10 or 15 minute relaxation break?  Walking away from your desk or computer to a quiet place, closing your eyes and taking 5 deep breaths will help.  Relax your body and just pay attention to your breathing.  After doing this for 10 minutes or so, stand up and stretch your entire body.  See if you don’t feel more alert and ready to resume work.

Managing rest and relaxation as one of your priorities will mean writing it into your schedule.  Playing a game, going for a walk in nature, playing some music, planning a weekend trip away are all inexpensive or free ways to oscillate work and rest.  When you feel the benefits, you will see that a little goes a long way.

Play Your Way to Better Health

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This is Labor Day weekend and I have taken several days to get out of town and spend it with family.  A change of scene and routine is good for the psyche and the soul.  And hanging out with people I love is the magic elixir.

When I was a child I used to ask my mother what we were going to do for Labor Day.  Her reply was always, “More labor I suppose.”  I remember feeling disappointed.  I knew that most people would be playing and I wanted to do that too.

Of course I had no perspective that for a woman who was a mother of five and a teacher as well, that there would be no end to the work involved.  And even though my life circumstances are different, nearly constant working is a hard habit to break.

Apparently I am not alone.  Many of the folks I work with describe a similar sort of thing.  Work in the workplace and more work at home.  Even the effort that it takes to get children to seemingly endless organized sports and lessons becomes a part of a work routine that “has to be done.”

When I asked Ellen what she does for fun, she looked startled, fell silent and eventually said, “I have no idea.”  For several weeks we revisited the question and when I last checked, she still had not discovered the answer.

For starters we could consider a definition of play:  an activity that exists solely for its own purposes and has rules that can be spontaneous and flexible.  Of course we could take an activity that COULD be fun and stiffen it up with rules and a big dose of perfectionism and turn it into more work.

So what is the big deal about play?  Well it’s good for your health for one thing.  I would venture to say that a good laugh, “lightening up” with some good humor and imaginative play will energize as it delights you.

This weekend I am playing with my granddaughter.  We are having a pretty hilarious time.  If you have forgotten how to play, hang out with a child.  Borrow one if you must.  They will remind you of how it’s done.

One way or the other, I hope that this weekend you will make it a priority to step out of work mode and spend some time playing.