Monthly Archives: June 2010

Coping With Crazy Makers

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Do you have a crazy maker in your life?  By that I mean someone with whom your interactions are always confusing, emotionally draining and usually dramatic?  Someone who may have you questioning your sanity?  Do you sometimes feel that this person is taking up space in your head and ought to be paying rent?

It’s a whole lot easier if the C.M. is not a member of your family because then it’s easier to get some distance.  The closer you are in proximity and emotional bond, the more entangled you may become.

If you want to get disentangled and get your sanity and your life back, then there are some things you need to do.

  • Start with an assessment of yourself.  What is your part in the interaction with this person?  How are you engaging them or being engaged?  Is there a pattern to the “dance” that has become predictable?  Do you keep doing the same thing hoping that it will have a different outcome?
  • Try to assess the person you are dealing with.  Are they dishonest?  Are they exaggerating?  Are they taking advantage of you or other people?  Does what they say align with what they do?  Or do they tell you one thing and then do another?  Are they blaming you or others, avoiding responsibility for their behavior?
  • Have you thought you had agreements with this person that she/he later broke?  Has this happened repeatedly?
  • Set boundaries that are clear and firm.  And the clarity begins with you.  Good boundaries are necessary for the social order, and essential for healthy relationships.  Without them, we don’t know where our interests end and the other begins.  Robert Frost wrote “Good fences make good neighbors,” and he was right.
  • Start small with one limit that you will set and maintain.  It may be that you are not accepting phone calls or contact with this person.  Or maybe that you are not loaning them any more money.  Or that they are not allowed in your house any more.  Tell the person in clear and direct language and a calm manner.  Do not engage in explaining or arguing, or you are sunk!  Simply repeat what you said and then end the interaction.
  • When they push or test to see if you mean it, calmly follow through with what you said you would do.  It may be as simple as a “No.”  Do not complain; do not explain.  Your behavior will speak for you.

This is an area where you will need support and possibly help.  If you have been really involved with this Crazy Maker for a period of time, you may need a reality check just to make sure that your perceptions are clear.  (We don’t call it Crazy Making for nothing!)

You may also need help in devising a plan for moving forward.  And I highly recommend working with a professional therapist or coach to understand how you got here in the first place.  And also to take steps in the right direction so that it doesn’t become a repeated pattern in your life.

There IS life beyond this painful place and you deserve to live it.



A Piece of Peace

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At the end of a very emotionally demanding day, I was more than happy to be headed for my weekly meditation circle.  It is facilitated very skillfully by Martha, and attended by a regular group of about 12-15 people.  I have been a member for the past couple of years, and the group has become one of those mainstays of my life.

Meditation is fascinating to me, and I have practiced on and off for years.  Reading about it, listening to various CD’s of guided imagery or some other approaches expanded my understanding and my experience.  Since joining the group, I practice much more often.  And I have found that like a lot of other things, being in the presence of a group of people takes meditation to a different level.

There are many interesting research studies of the effects of meditation on the brain.  Through meditation you can change the brain waves, or the frequency of them.  And when you do, of course the body relaxes and you definitely feel that changed state in your whole being.

After some months of regular practice, I noticed a marked change in my level of anxiety.  Not that I thought of myself as an anxious person before that, but it was certainly one of the benefits.

The stereotypical notion about meditation is that it is very difficult, complex and only for the very religious and exotic.  There are those to whom meditating is the center of life, and they dedicate their lives to it.  But at its most basic, it is simplicity itself.  You can begin by sitting comfortably, with your spine and head relatively straight.  Close your eyes, breathing several deep breaths, relax your body as you exhale.  Then simply follow your breathing with your attention. When it wanders into thinking about what you have to do next, just gently bring your attention back to your breathing.  Stay with it for 10 minutes or so.  And that’s it.  As you practice, you will extend the time easily.

For that time you will feel peaceful. And if you choose to practice routinely, it will be easier and easier to bring yourself to that state of peacefulness.

Photo by Amy O Rizzo
Copyright 2010  All Rights Reserved


Plan Your Work, Work Your Plan

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“Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act.  There is no other route to success.”     ~Picasso~

It’s hard to believe that we are halfway through the year already.  Those New Years resolutions may seem to be a very distant memory.  If you made them, do you remember what they were?  Did you write them down?

How are you feeling about your progress?  I know that some cynical people don’t believe in making resolutions (“What’s the use?”) and having goals is a foreign concept.  But then I doubt if they are reading this blog.  I may presume that if you are, you have an interest in living intentionally and consciously.  Which involves setting goals and making the plans necessary to meet them.

Yesterday I was writing about my 30 Day Blog Challenge and the power of doing one step consistently for a month.  I suggested that you challenge yourself to do something for the next 30 days.  As Picasso states in the above quote, you need the vehicle of a plan to get you where you intend to go.

The plan does not have to be complex.  Don’t make it so big and complicated that it’s overwhelming or you will end up avoiding the whole thing.  Decide what result you intend to have in 6 months (or 1 month as the case may be) and then break down the steps that will get you there.

Needless to say, it is important to write this down.  Keep a pencil and eraser handy. :-)   One great guide is The One Page Business Plan by Horan.  A small book available in paperback, it is useful even though you may not own a business.  Then choose one step for your 30 day challenge.

Remember that small consistent steps toward an inspiring goal is tremendously powerful.  For intentional living, it is the way to go.


Meeting the Challenge

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Black Eyed Susans

Those of us who are a part of Connie Green and Jeanne Cates’ coaching groups are coming near the end of the 30 Day Blog Challenge.  The deal is to post to your blog every day for 30 days, and to comment on someone else’s blog who is a part of the group.

This is the second time I have been a part of the challenge.  It didn’t seem nearly as daunting as the first one did.  In fact, I was pretty scared to step up to accept the challenge the first time.  Connie said that her reason for challenging us was to help us get in the habit of writing every day.  It did that and more.

It must be true that establishing a new habit takes 30 days, because every day I now automatically put blog posting on my schedule.  There really isn’t any doubt in my own mind that I will do it.  Sometimes it takes a little while to decide what I will write about, but as I have said before, inspiration is all around if you are open to it.

This makes me wonder what I might challenge myself with next.  There are so many options to choose from!

What new habit would you like to establish in 30 days?  Or what kind of challenge would you like to give yourself?  Do you have a new skill that you would like to practice?  Is there something daunting that you have been putting off?

Here are some ideas:  eat 5 vegetables a day for 30 days; contact a friend or relative that you have little contact with, every day for 30 days (this could be via email, card, letter or phone call); collect some piece of unused clothing or clutter every day and donate to a charity; keep your checkbook balanced (unless you are already doing that); go for a walk every day or do some other kind of exercise; make a journal entry every day for 30 days; write a gratitude list every day; meditate for 15-20 minutes; do one random act of kindness without mentioning it to anyone; read a book every day.

I hope you will step up to the challenge and that you learn something about yourself and have some fun too.

Good Vibrations

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Do you remember that psychedelic pop song by the Beach Boys called “Good Vibrations?”  It came out in 1966 and was of course a song about a girl.  But the words and tune came to me this morning when I was thinking about how to cope with low vibrations.

Good Vibrations

You know, low vibrations that occur when you are feeling sad or angry or frustrated for a period of time?  Or when you get bad news that affects someone you love and you can’t really do a thing about it except express your concerns and offer support?

It seems to me that helplessness has an especially low vibration. In addition to the song I was thinking of the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?!” and how we affect our bodies and indeed our reality by the vibration of what we think and feel and do.

Can you observe in your own life how you are affected by low vs. high vibrations?  And if you can (hopefully you can), how do you raise them?

Michael Masterson in his newsletter, The Michael Masterson Journal writes that everything we do, whether in playing, working or distracting ourselves, will do one of three things:

  • Improves us somehow
  • Leaves us more or less the same
  • Damages us in some way

He goes on to say that our choices of what we do will directly affect the quality of our lives.

Using your journal would be a good way to take notes of your observations and to help you keep them in the forefront of your mind.  Otherwise, being creatures of habit, we lapse into familiar ruts and aren’t aware of what we are causing until way down the road.

Here are some ways in which I raise my vibrational level:

  • Listening to music; a wide variety of music.  Rock and roll to energize me, jazz when I’m feeling reflective, folk and classical when I’m writing, classical most of the rest of the time.
  • Reading something informative or inspiring.  I’m taking a web page design class and the steep learning curve excites and satisfies me (and I must admit at times frustrates me).  Mary Oliver is my favorite poet and her writing is divinely inspired, I am certain.
  • Looking at art.  Going to a museum or more accessibly, to a local gallery can make my day.
  • There is a local farmers market that I love going to on the weekends.  It may be hard to explain how fresh produce can rev my engines, but it does.  The mix of stands selling fresh fish, meats, baked goods and flowers plus the diversity of the shoppers makes for a stimulating place.
  • Having a conversation with a friend about almost anything.  Just being with certain people has a positive and energizing effect.  No doubt you know what I mean.  Playing with my granddaughter does it every time.  In fact, thinking about her or looking at pictures of her does too.
  • Going for a walk outside and being in the midst of grass, trees and nature in general always lifts my spirits.
  • I am grateful that most of the time my work is positive, interesting and energizing.  Writing, coaching and doing therapy are all very engaging and rewarding to me.  Hopefully your work is too.  If not, maybe that’s a hint that you need to make a plan for a change.

What are those “golden” activities that rev you up or inspire you, or improve your mood?  Please leave them in the comments so that everyone can benefit.

It’s All of a Piece

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In our human way of thinking we sometimes get fixated on one area of our life experiences or history.  In doing that we may also get fixated on one particular aspect of life that we feel is in need of “fixing.”  It is very common in Western culture to think that one thing in our life has nothing to do with the other.

Although the concepts of the body, mind and spirit being one is gaining ground in philosophical and healing circles, it is a surprise sometimes both to discover it and then to remember it.  Because the mind often goes back to old paradigms that are more familiar and comfortable unless the new paradigm is reinforced and supported.

Research supports that our thought patterns affect our emotions which also affect the body.  We know that if we are sick in spirit, that will be reflected in the body and mind.  We know that some trauma or neglected aspect will show up somewhere else.

For instance, did you know that people who accumulate debt tend to have a history of victimization that they have not resolved?  It’s true.  And also true that if they face that, taking responsibility for discharging the debt, that they can heal the wounds of victimization.

Decisions and acts committed years ago come back to haunt us in very unexpected ways.  Our lives are of one piece.  When we avoid, deny or minimize damage we have done to ourselves or someone else, the effects of it are not lost.  Even though we have pushed the memories of it way down beneath the conscious level.

On the other hand, if we face those decisions and the consequences, accept responsibility for them, seek forgiveness of ourselves and the others involved, we can heal those wounds.  And then they will not morph into something else that we will have to contend with.