Just returned from a weekend trip to see a play with some friends. Good theater, good music and good company. Nice break!
Just returned from a weekend t…
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Monthly Archives: May 2010
Stirring the Pot
Sometimes “stirring the pot” has some negative connotations, as in one who is trying to cause trouble by saying or doing provocative things.
But I am thinking of it as a useful way to re-energize yourself and to take a new look at a problem that you may be having trouble solving.
This afternoon I was working with Ann, who is wanting to change direction with her career after feeling dissatisfied for some time. She is fortunate because her job is solid and she is supporting herself comfortably in her profession. Her urgency to change is internally driven and not external to the work situation.
After compiling a list of what she likes and dislikes about her profession and her work experiences so far, she listed her ideal job and a description of her typical day. I asked her what energizes and excites her, and to be sure that she added those elements.
Then she identified a couple of openings that she knew of, and after submitting her resume, arranged to interview and to explore those options further. She started asking people in her network for ideas, even if they weren’t directly involved in her profession.
Then things really started happening. She was concerned that maybe she was “hopping around” too much. She was getting ideas and suggestions from others for job situations that she had never heard of, much less considered. By the time we had our last session, she had done two more interviews and had eliminated a couple and had more lined up.
This is what I call stirring the pot. Anyone who cooks can tell you what happens when you add heat and stir. Things begin moving around in a hurry! Ann’s worry was that somehow she should be expected to know what she wants, but she really doesn’t. Why not add anything related to the question, stir it up and begin sampling?
Instead of feeling negative and discouraged, as she did several months ago, she is encouraged and excited about possibilities. At the end of the session she said that the best part is that she no longer feels trapped in her job. She can still go there every day, providing a valuable service to her clients, and know that she is making headway finding what the next phase of her work life will be.
Where Is Your Tribe?
On a coaching call I was listening to Laura (not her real name) who is working on some new skill sets. She was working at a job which she has had for years, and she was ready for a change. Over a year ago she completed a graduate degree but hasn’t found a job in her new field.
It is the old conundrum: how do you land a job that requires experience when you need the job to gain the experience?
Since finishing her grad program, Laura had lost touch with classmates she used to work with on projects. She was feeling discouraged and was losing her sense of direction. Recently she had been wondering if it’s all a pipe dream. And it didn’t help that she’s is constantly hearing about the tight job market.
I was thinking about how new undertakings are so much more difficult to make when we are isolated. The work and learning of the graduate class was made easier by the collaboration of professor and a group of students.
For good reasons Hillary Clinton said, “It takes a village to raise a child.” For the child to grow into a healthy, functional adult the influences and input of many adults and peers are necessary.
Important social causes are only successful when we find other people who are like minded in sharing the concern and join forces to bring about solutions. We may inform ourselves as individuals and even begin working on answers to the problem at hand, but when we find others who are also involved, then we feel energized, enthusiastic and have renewed hope.
In order to find her tribe, Laura looked for a non-profit organization with a cause that she felt was important, and offered her services as a volunteer. They needed and appreciated her skills and were only too happy to put her to work. Laura benefited by gaining valuable experience that she can later apply to a paid work situation, and the non-profit gained services that they couldn’t afford to pay for.
Where can you find others who are working in the field you may aspire to? It may be a local professional or business organization. You might contact an existing business, arranging to meet with the person who has the sort of job you would like. Most people, if asked, are happy to talk about themselves and answer questions about what they do.
Look online on sites such as Meetup.com or check out the possibilities by putting the key word into the search engines. There is no shortage of people offering their services for coaching about everything imaginable. Of course you will have to be discerning in order to find someone who is credible and will deliver on their promises. Take the time to research, explore, ask questions and look for reviews and recommendations before you make an agreement to work with anyone.
One of the blessings of social networks is that they offer the possibilities for connecting with others who are engaged in doing what you want to do. It may take some persistence to get through the fluff, to find who you are looking for. Maybe walking down some blind alleys, clicking on URL’s that are irrelevant for your purposes. But they are there…both in cyberspace and probably sitting near you in the coffee shop. Be clear with yourself about your intentions of finding them and then be willing to start the conversation.
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Remembering Hank
Over the weekend I attended a memorial service for a classmate and family friend. Hank’s death was one of those sudden, completely unexpected shockers. The collapse of a seemingly healthy, active and fit man was stunning and devastating to his family and friends.
Hearing family members and friends and colleagues remembering their experiences with Hank was both impressive and touching. He was an accomplished person who was a leader in some respect throughout his life. He lived his philosophy and values. He had many long term, close relationships. His work was inspired by his beliefs and as a result was a benefit to many. He loved nature, enjoyed being outdoors biking, camping and hiking. He loved and cared for his family. Although it was too short, anyone would say that his was a good life.
The death of a peer is always sobering, no matter what age it occurs. To the young it brings home the message that this is what mortality means. And that being human means being mortal. The message is a paradox of youth itself and nearly unbelievable.
As we mature we believe this more readily as the “necessary losses” of elderly relatives and parents begins to thin the ranks of the generations before us.
The admonitions to take care of ourselves and to guard our health seem to echo more loudly as we age. And for good reason. The quality of life is largely determined by our health; it serves as the bedrock of everything else.
That said, it follows that excellent care or not, we are still mortal beings. Although our defenses deny it, our days are numbered. Even though that sounds pessimistic and morbid, my point is that knowing they are numbered makes them precious. Too precious to be squandered on meaningless activity or being miserable.
Each new day brings an opportunity for starting over. If yesterday was disappointing, what lesson did it bring you? Did you get the message? As the day dawns, what are your intentions for it? Are you taking baby steps toward the life that you have chosen? Are your actions aligned with your beliefs? What inspires you?
This morning remember that this day counts. It is the only day you have and what you do with it matters.
Taming Chaos
It is some complicated mathematical theory that the nature of things is to move from a state of chaos to organization and then back to chaos. My desk top illustrates this concept very well. I can’t do the math, but I can do the chaos.
During the last 24 hours my home office seemingly exploded. My desktop computer, which has been limping along finally turned to toast last night. Just before that I was out shopping for a new printer since the old one was acting up too.
Not being one with a technical bent (just ask my kids whose eyes will roll up in their heads when they read this) I feel especially challenged when the hardware goes awry. Which it routinely does. I usually confer with one of them, then call John, my computer wizard. The trouble is that his wizardry has become well known, so it takes awhile before he can attend to my toasted computer and hopefully retrieve something from the hard drive.
Last night the young salesman was waxing on enthusiastically about the capabilities of the wireless printer I was considering. He said he didn’t know how sophisticated my phone is, but I could actually send a printing command from my phone. I restrained myself from saying that my phone (also new) is way more sophisticated than I am. No point in getting into that.
This morning I am here in the midst of what looks like a hardware morgue, waiting for John the Wizard to call me back. I decided to do one thing that I could accomplish and then I would feel better. Write a post.
All this got me thinking about the general state of my office, which leaves something to be desired on its best day. The connection between work and the place where we do it is an important one that is easy to overlook.
And the connection with chaos and stress is a big one. You can get so used to your chaos that the stress is normalized, but if you pay attention, it is there. Tame the chaos, reduce the stress.
My dad was an accomplished wood worker who built furniture, turned bowls, and made wood sculptures. He owned tools that did everything imaginable and then some. And his workshop was organized with everything in its place.
The mark of a good cook is an organized kitchen with tools that work. And anyone who cooks can tell you that the cleanup and chaos taming after a big baking or cooking project is an essential part of the process.
Take a look around your work space. Does it work? Is it clean and organized in a way that makes your work the focus, and not finding one thing and another that you need? Does it promote your creativity and productivity or hinder it? Do you feel energized when you walk in there, or bewildered and tired? Do you feel stressed after being in the room?
You may have some work ahead of you. I know I do.
Becoming Independent
“The highest quality that a human being can reach is to be independent of the good opinion of others.”
~ Abraham Maslow, Self Actualization Psychology ~
There is a teaching tale of a psychology professor who was teaching his graduate students the above principle. A man who had been invited to a big reception by one of his colleagues, went to the appointed place at the appointed time. He entered the room and discovered that the brown suit and tie that he was wearing was out of place, and that the other guests were all dressed formally in black tie.
The question the professor asked his class was, “What did this man (who had learned to live independent of the good opinion of others) do?” Some guessed that he would leave, go home to change and return. Someone else guessed that he would explain to his host that he had misread the invitation. Another student guessed that he would be mortified and just quietly leave and not return.
All guesses were wrong. The man in the brown suit would simply join the group, make conversation and express no concern about being the only man in the room not in a tuxedo. Indeed, he would feel no concern about it.
Learning to become independent of the good opinion of others is NOT the same as that old defensive “I don’t care what you think!” Without fail when we say that in anger, we care a great deal.
If we have dedicated our lives to pleasing other people and taking care of everyone else’s needs at the expense of our own, becoming emotionally independent is a challenge. The people pleaser’s hidden agenda is to control things so that others will approve of and love them.
There is a sort of unspoken contract: I will sacrifice my own feelings, needs and opinions and do what I think you want, if you will love and approve of me. Of course this gives one person a lot of clout and control while the other is “one down” and left with covert operations to regain any control.
Not a formula for healthy relationships or a happy life.
So throwing over this pattern will be risky if not downright scary. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. It is work well undertaken and will ultimately change your life for the better. How will you know you are working on it?
You may encounter it when you make a decision for your life that your parents disapprove of. Or maybe you tell your friends that you don’t want to go out drinking (or stay in drinking) even though they expect that you will (after all, you always have…). Or maybe you tell someone that you don’t appreciate an off-color or prejudiced joke they told you. Or in a staff meeting you take a position that is clearly not the one the boss wants you to take. Or maybe you break an old, long-standing pattern that your family has done for eons which doesn’t make sense and drives you crazy.
Doing any of these things means that doing what is important to you outweighs the discomfort you will feel at imagining everyone else’s discomfort. Or perhaps someone will tell you loud and clear that they don’t like what you are doing or saying. Most of the time, they don’t. We fill in the blanks, assuming that they are angry or disapproving.
Here is my “Assertive Blessing” that I use on such occasions. You are welcome to borrow it, claim it, use it as your own. “I understand that you are (angry, disappointed, irritated or whatever emotion is appropriate to the occasion), and I am sure that being a strong and resourceful person, you will find a way to work through it.
And you know what? They will. One way or another, they will.
