Monthly Archives: April 2010

Make A List

Posted on by
1

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something that we
don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
~ Frederick Keonig~

After listening to Ellen (not her real name) talking at length about how unhappy and frustrated she was feeling about her job, her kids, her husband, I asked her what it is she does want.  She looked startled and didn’t know what to say.

There was quite a list of what she did not want, and it seemed that that was all she had.  Hence, her unhappiness.

She had some genuine problems and if she had taken a person-on-the-street survey, almost anyone would agree with her.  Her life sounded like the pits.

If what she had was making her miserable, what was it that she wants?  If her life could be just as she desires, what would it look like?  She seemed uncomfortable with the question and truly stumped.  And so she accepted an assignment to keep asking herself the question, and to make a list of what occurred to her before our next appointment.

True to her word, she came in with the list.  She said it had been a hard thing to complete.  Even so, it was a pretty long and detailed list.  And there were some surprising results.  Turns out that she had not only made the list of what she wants in her life, but she had prioritized them in order of importance to her.  And she discovered that most of what was on her list, she already has!

And a couple of the things on the list she recognized as something she is working on changing within herself.  For instance she is developing some assertive skills that are the building blocks to better relationships with the people who are bugging her.  People who are important to her, by the way.

It is easy to get fixated on those things that are lacking or wrong in life.  What we pay attention to really does get bigger.  Complaining to ourselves or others seems to build and build our dissatisfaction, irritation and unhappiness.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself resistant to changing this.  Our habitual mind can run on and on seeming to wear the groove deeper and deeper.  And it sounds so convincing that we believe it is true.  We don’t recognize that this is just a pattern of thought and feeling that we can change.  In other words, my negative thoughts are just something I’m doing;  they aren’t ME.

Writing a list of what you desire in your life is a way to connect to what is already present.  And even if everything on your list isn’t present right now, it is a way to change your vision so that you can be moving in the right direction.  And you’ll feel better for it.


Want A Brain Boost?

Posted on by
Reply

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.”    ~Henry Ford~

Have you seen ads for video brain games?  Do you play them?  Millions of people are and they are gaining in popularity as a way to increase IQ and improve the memory.

Seems that until recently there has been little research to back up the effectiveness of them. You might be better off playing Sodoku or cross word puzzles.  New York Times anyone?

That is until a study in the UK was recently released.  A group of more than 8,600 people ages 18-60 were recruited to participate in the study in which their reasoning, memory and other skills were measured before and after they played games for 10 minutes, 3 times per week.

The results were compared to a group of 2,700 people who spent a similar amount of time surfing the Internet and answering general information questions.  There were no significant differences between the groups.

The journal Nature published the study.  The lead author, Adrian Owen, states that if you just want to have fun, it’s fine for that, but don’t expect to have better brain functioning from it.  He says that the game skills have little application to real life brain function for ordinary people.

Of course there is some disagreement with this.  Especially from Steve Aldrich CEO of Posit, the maker of some of the games.  He has published research results which indicate improvement in the memory functioning of elderly subjects.

So what should you do if you want to give your brain a boost?  Exercise is the best bet.  It seems that physical fitness increases the activity between neurons and builds new brain cells.  And so does new learning if it is difficult and challenging. Wouldn’t you know that if you are breezing along enjoying yourself, it isn’t doing much to improve your mind?  Learning a new language, or how to play a musical instrument or a new sport are brain boosters.

Seems that having a better brain, like everything else, takes some effort and hard work.

Build Self Confidence

Posted on by
Reply

Black Eyed Susans

What do you suppose is the biggest obstacle to reaching your goals?

I’ll bet it’s fear.  When the part of your brain that stimulates emotion (the amygdala) gets a whiff of a change in the wind, it kicks into high gear to keep you from rocking the boat. Whoa Nelly!  What’s wrong with how things have been?  It’s not so bad!

That is a normal reaction.  No matter how badly you need to meet the goal and no matter how well thought out it is.  The trick is not to take that fear so seriously.  Calm down.  Really.  Sit down, breathe, allow your cooler mind to get a word in.

Change the focus of your attention from all the chatter of the monkey mind, and take some time to build some self confidence.  It helps immensely to write this part down.  If you are a journal writer, it might be second nature to you by now to grab your journal.  If you aren’t yet (always the optimist, aren’t I?) then take pen in hand and make a list.

Consider the past month of your life, or if you can’t remember that far back, the past week will do.  Make a list of what you accomplished.  Nothing is too small to appreciate.  If you took baby steps toward a goal, write it down.  If you did something for someone else, include it.  If you were kind, acknowledge it.  If you completed something at home or at work that you had been putting off because it was tedious or trying, include it in the list.

As you write, feel grateful to yourself.  Take pride in yourself and really feel the feeling of that.

Often we are waiting and waiting for acknowledgment and appreciation from someone else, and we may be waiting forever or at least for a long time.  It is nice when it comes from other people.  But until or unless appreciation of who we are and what we do genuinely comes from us, it’s a lot like eating simple carbohydrates.  The sugar is sweet, but has no staying power or substance.

In order to be self confident, we really must internalize our own worth.  Yours might begin by making those lists!


Find A Mentor

Posted on by
Reply

Maine shoreline

Working on a big goal can sometimes be a frustrating and lonely business.  It seems like a walk on a long road without a road map.  You may have a sense of direction and an idea of where you are going, but it’s hard to know if you are really going in the right direction.  And it’s hard to find encouragement.

As humans we like and need the companionship of others.  And if you are venturing into new territory in your life, it is really important to have some guidance from someone else who has been down that road before you.  He or she can tell you where the pitfalls are, what you need to succeed, and can offer critical feedback and support when you need it.

Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I had the great good fortune to find an excellent mentor.  Michael was established in the field, well respected and skilled.  And he liked clinical supervision and teaching.  Over the year I worked with him individually and in small groups.  I found him to be reassuring when I needed it and willing to point out alternatives to the way I was seeing things.  He played an essential role in helping me build a viable practice.

Recently I found another mentor for my new ventures in online publishing and information marketing.  Until I became a part of Connie’s coaching group, I was reading everything I could get my hands on, feeling confused and overwhelmed a lot.  I knew where I wanted to go, but there was too much information and I had trouble putting what I was learning in action.

You may find that if you are undertaking a big challenge, you can’t really achieve much progress without such a mentor.  For instance, you may join a gym to get in better shape.  But hiring a trainer to mentor you will make all the difference in the world.  She can show you what you need to do, the proper equipment to use, and make a plan to help you achieve your goals.

Learning to cook, learning how to improve your financial health, planting a garden for the first time, making a job or career change all are new challenges that will profit from having a mentor.

Give yourself the gift of a good road map.  Don’t try to be the Lone Ranger (even he had Tonto).  Working with a mentor will certainly cut your confusion, ease your effort and speed you on your way.

A Little Kvetch

Posted on by
Reply

“Music has charms to soothe the savage breast
To soften rocks, or bend the knotted oak.”
William Congreve (1670-1729)


The concert was heavenly.  The program included  Symphony No.2 by a modern composer, Kevin Puts;l Symphony No.2 in D major by Johannes Brahms (is there anything better than Brahms?); topped off by Cello Concerto No.1 by Saint-Saens, played beautifully by Fiona Thompson.  Great music for a Sunday afternoon.

Before it began the executive director came out to make a few announcements as usual.  He reminds everyone to turn off cell phones, asks the driver of a certain car to move it immediately because it is blocking the handicapped ramp and will be towed.  (Obviously that guy’s handicap is not physical).  And then says that he has gotten some complaints about hand-held electronic devices with lit up screens, and would we turn them off if we brought one.  Someone is playing video games during a concert?

That got me thinking on the way home and hence the subject of this post.  But first, my disclaimer:  I am a dinosaur.  Not a reptile of course, but a dinosaur of the human variety.

I was in elementary school when they still gave grades for something called “deportment.”  And if you were a cut-up in class or caused trouble on the playground or disrupted a student assembly, then you got a “U” for Unsatisfactory.  And if you lived in my house, you would be in Big Trouble at home.

My dad was a teacher, so he would have heard about it first in the faculty room.  The Big Trouble would be arriving before the report cards came out, so the bad behavior was nipped in the bud. (Thanks, Mr. Overland).

I know this is a more casual culture than it was, so I can deal with people coming to a concert wearing baseball caps where the performers are dressed in black tie.  It looks peculiar to me, but doesn’t interfere with the music.  Yes, I confess to a little attitude about it.

What does irk me are little behaviors (hence, a little kvetching) that interfere with the sound that I came to hear.  Maybe I should call this post A Concert Guide for Non-Dinosaurs.

I can have empathy for coughers, having been one myself.  Bring a cough drop and a hankie please.  And if you are having a real fit, then head for the nearest exit.

But the impeccably dressed man who sat in front of me eating candy wrapped in what seemed to be a foot of cellophane was another matter.  He must have been fond of the stuff since he ate three pieces before the intermission.

If you must eat candy, then follow the common wisdom about removing old band aids.  Just rip the sucker off all at once rather than doing it slowly.  We will all suffer less.  Or better yet, unwrap them at home and just deal with the furry things stuck on it from your pocket.  If you are a sugar addict then at least plan ahead.

I could hardly believe my ears (my left ear, actually) when during a quiet part of the Brahms the woman sitting behind me decided to use her Emory board on a troublesome nail.  The place has great acoustics, and that apparently applies to the audience whose laps are on the same level as the ears on the row below.

Good grief!  I know that a snagged nail is annoying.  But it doesn’t require the same urgency of attention that a gushing artery would.  Save the sawing and sanding until you are home.  What’s next?  Tooth flossing?  A nice pumice treatment for the feet?

The same goes for a whispered conversation that went on and on during another concert.  I heard all about some family drama as well as the woman’s theological persuasions that I really didn’t want to know.  Especially not then.

I love to see parents bringing children to concerts.  Exposure to good music is great for a number of reasons.  But if they are restless and won’t be quiet, then please take them out rather than allowing them to be disruptive.  You might want to invoke your own brand of Big Trouble…outside.

Love and Marriage: Good for your Health?

Posted on by
Reply

“If you do not change direction,
you may end up where you are heading.”
~Tao Tzu~

The New York Times ran an article about how marriage affects the state of your health.  Conventional wisdom has said that people who marry tend to live longer and to be healthier than those who don’t.  This is based on the earliest research on the subject which was published in 1858 by British William Farr.

The question has been revisited more recently in studies that look at the more varied nuances of modern life and relationships.  Groups of married couples, couples living together, widowed and divorced and never married people were included.

Generally it seems that the key to relationships and health boil down to how conflicted and stressful it is.  Stress has a bad effect on the immune system.  And the more severe and chronic the level of stress, the worse it is for your health.

What factor seems to boost this stress effect?  Conflict of course.  And the nastier and more personal the conflict, the higher the stress and the longer it takes the body to recover from it.  Couples who can have an argument without personal attacks, and can reach some agreement, show a beneficial effect on their general health.

One study shows that men have a negative reaction to arguments which center around control issues, and that women suffer more from a lack of affection or a feeling of positive regard.  In other words, even during or after an argument, if women perceived that their partner still loved them, they tolerated the stress of the conflict remarkably better than if they didn’t.

The bottom line is that married people do generally live longer and healthier lives than those who never marry or are divorced.  But people who had gotten out of a hostile or cold, conflicted relationship are healthier than those who stay in the marital wars.

If you are married and thus inevitably have conflict, then learn how to fight in a constructive and effective way.  And if you have gotten out of a destructive relationship, then learn what you need to learn about yourself and get over your ex and what happened.  Keeping yourself in a toxic stew of anger, resentment and stress is what is most detrimental to your health.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html?pagewanted=1&partner=rss&emc=rss&src=ig