2010 April | Coach4LifeChange

Quiet Mind

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, April 30th, 2010 | 2 Comments

Spring blossoms

Spring is the perfect season for finding opportunities to quiet the mind by connecting to nature. Now that I say that, I know that I say that about every season. And it’s true. But after the winter we had, I am truly grateful for this one.

This afternoon I was in my office tying up some loose ends with billing and bookkeeping; making arrangements with my assistant to pick up some paperwork. And I was expecting to have a few more hours of work before calling it a day.

I happened to glance out of the window and some movement in the wooded area across the street from our parking lot caught my eye. So I looked more carefully, and was rewarded with the sight of a white tailed doe eating her way along the edge of the tree line.

What a surprise to find a deer a few feet away from this street in the middle of the afternoon. There are houses only 100 yards or so on the other side of the little woods, and our office complex opposite where she was standing. Very quietly I walked out on the porch to watch her. She was nibbling on the new leaves and small branches that are showing spring growth. I wonder if she had a fawn hidden somewhere nearby.

I stood and watched and felt the spring breeze blowing. The brilliant shades of green were a treat to the eyes. Just a pause in the routine occupations of a work day. Time to just be in that moment, feeding my senses, being quiet.

What are you noticing around you? Can you take the time to disconnect for a few minutes to quiet your busy mind? It is a sort of mini-vacation and will do you good. Leave a comment in the section below and tell us about it.

A Little Perspective

By JanetEisenbise on Thursday, April 29th, 2010 | No Comments

Chicago

“All human beings are interconnected, one with all
other elements in creation.”
~Henry Reed~

If you made a list of what problems you are having in life, you will most likely note that your difficulty involves another person. A boss or co-worker is not pulling his share of the load. Or your sister is driving you crazy. Or you can’t get your child to do his homework. Or your spouse is being surly and won’t talk about it.

Sometimes the people who mean the most to you make decisions that you just don’t agree with. Those decisions might seem really stupid. Or wrong. Or self defeating. Or at the least, misguided.

And you find yourself with a strong emotional reaction and then criticizing, griping and complaining. Maybe even preaching and pointing out the error of their ways.

Feeling alarmed and upset about what could possibly result from their stupidity.

Feeling preoccupied with someone else’s choice and the emotional upset that usually goes with it is the worst part. Too bad you can’t collect rent for the space they are taking up in your head!

The thing is, it’s not really their fault that they are in your head to begin with. What is going on and how do you decide what to do with it? Do you really want to spend your time and energy this way?

And what is the effect that your frustration and judgment is having on the relationship?

Albert Ellis had a list of 9 beliefs that we use to cause our own misery. One of them is a belief that it is awful when people don’t behave as we believe they should. (Read yesterday’s post about “awfulizing.”)

The rational alternative to that belief is that we may feel uncomfortable about someone else’s choices or behavior, but it very rarely is awful. And most of the time it really doesn’t have anything to do with us.

I choose to believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And that the point of it is to learn from our experiences and to develop into better, more conscious human beings.

Some people figure this out, invest in their growth and learn from experience. Some get this earlier on, some later. Some may not get it at all. However we do it, no experiences and consequences are lost. We all have the option to wake up and smell the coffee. But that’s not the same for everyone as it is for you.

What IS in your domain to care for, are the relationships you have. When you get some perspective and set aside your judgments and calm yourself, you can remember that it is the caring for that other person that matters most.

Don’t allow your irritation or fear to get in the way of continuing to relate to your friend or family member. Don’t complain about them to others, especially if there are children involved who are affected. If there are divisions in the family, don’t abandon members who may be on the outs with the majority.

They are fallible and vulnerable human beings with the same range of light and dark possibilities that you have. You are as capable of making errors in judgment. You have blind spots just as they do. Allow them their choices and their consequences, giving feedback if you are asked.

Then you might look to yourself and tend to your own emotional needs and the mysteries of your own growth and choices.

Ain’t It Awful

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 | No Comments

Rocky Maine Shoreline

One of the first self help psychology books that I ever read was Games People Play by Eric Berne, Ph.D. He describes something called Transactional Analysis, which is a description of scripts we learn and live by.

Berne describes “games” that we play that become a sort of shorthand of interaction. There are games that we use within our own self talk and games that we use to relate to others.

While I don’t think that T.A. is the last word, or the only word in psychological theory, I do think it is useful in understanding and changing what is going on. If you are finding yourself stuck in repeating problems in your life, it’s worth a look.
http://tinyurl.com/23ctyb6

I’ll bet that you can recognize these games and have no doubt played them yourself. One of the most popular is “Ain’t It Awful?”

You might hear versions about how bad the economy is; about young people today; politics; something in the news; the latest office memo; how dumb (or insensitive, or short-sighted or misguided) management is; how your spouse is on your last nerve; how some family member just doesn’t get it, etc. etc.

So what is the pay-off in playing? It is a way of relating to other people in a kind of code that everyone understands. People playing this game also get to feel Right and Righteous, a step above those being “awfulized.” There is also the drama and attention that comes to the one who begins the game or knows one thing more awful than the next player.

What is the cost of playing Ain’t It Awful? For one thing it is stressful. Pay attention to yourself when you are playing, and notice that your blood pressure goes up, your adrenalin is pumping, your stomach gets in a knot, and you get either angry or scared and preoccupied about the topic at hand

The other cost is that while there may be a short-lived pay-off, when we play games, we are lacking in authenticity. There is no real intimacy or genuine connecting going on.

If you want to build relationships, be yourself and avoid the drama of playing Ain’t It Awful. You will find yourself less reactive, and therefore less stressed to boot.

Don’t Take It Personally

By JanetEisenbise on Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 | No Comments

Do you find yourself reacting strongly to someone’s comments or behavior? Do you have a family member who keeps doing something that just drives you crazy? Is there a co-worker who says and does the same thing over and over again that you just can’t stand?

You might spend quite a lot of time complaining to other people about this behavior, and you might use up a lot of time and energy steaming inside your own mind about it.

The other day a client, Robert, was telling me about a situation at work when his boss seemed to ignore his suggestion for solving a problem that had occurred repeatedly in his department.

He tried presenting his idea in a small staff meeting, and again in a one-to-one meeting. He carefully outlined the problem, his idea for the solution and how it would solve the problem.

Despite his carefully thought out presentation, his boss seemed to not even hear his idea. And to make matters worse, the boss kept on talking about the need for solving the problem as if to prove that the idea was worthless.

Needless to say, Robert felt frustrated and angry. And looking a little deeper admitted that his feelings were hurt. As a matter of fact, he was really offended and swore that he wouldn’t contribute another thing to the company. He was just going to put in his 8 hours and go home. That was it!

I expect most of us could relate to his feelings.

But we would be well advised to not take it personally. I don’t know what is going on with the company or the boss. But I do know that his behavior didn’t really have anything to do with Robert or the merits of his ideas. No doubt Robert isn’t the only employee in the company who is treated like this.

The thing is that the boss likely treats almost everyone in his life like this. And we don’t have to take a survey or analyze him to figure it out. Just know this: people do what they do for their own reasons. Likely acting out some old story of their own which they may or may not even be aware of. It really has nothing to do with you.

You won’t have to look far to see that lots of people complain about the same behavior. It isn’t personal to you, so don’t take it personally.

Observe your own reactions, beliefs and behavior. Do some relaxation and release your tension about it. Allow others to be who they are and trust that they are human and are responsible for themselves. You don’t have to straighten them out.

Refocus on your own life direction. Who are you and who do you want to be? How are you treating others? How can you practice this principle of not taking it personally? If you do you will notice that you will feel less stressed, more happy and that your relationships will improve.

Stop Reacting and Lower Stress

By JanetEisenbise on Monday, April 26th, 2010 | No Comments

"The Bean" Chicago

“Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems at the moment.”
~ John F. Kennedy, Jr. ~

It has been said that it isn’t so much what happens to us that causes stress, as it is how we interpret what happens to us. I think this might be one of the most important principles that lead to happiness and good health.

Why is it that different people experience the same event in so many different ways? A big news story hits the television news and one person feels very upset about it and can’t quit talking about it all day. Another person watching the same news thinks it’s no big deal and forgets about it.

You have no doubt observed this in your family or at work. A memo comes out outlining a new policy. Some people are immediately up in arms and others may have very little to say about it.

To understand how this happens, imagine a sort of chain reaction of thought and emotion that we all experience but are not likely conscious of. Here are the links of the chain:

• A Trigger Event – something happens that we observe but have no control over

• Emotion – we react with anger, fear, sadness, joy, shame, hurt, pain, etc.

• Thought – we have a thought about the event or our emotional response

Note: The thought and emotion links go back and forth with your thoughts influencing further emotional response. For example, when another driver cuts you off on the road, you may first experience fear when it appears he might cause an accident. But afterward, you will likely begin thinking thoughts that will cause you to feel angry. You can keep this angry thinking up until you are really furious. Or not. If you are aware of what you are doing, you could calm yourself with reassuring thoughts.

• Behavior – we do something. And we have complete choice or
control over what that is. We can either honk the horn at the other driver,
flash our lights, give an obscene gesture, etc. Or we could slow down,
breathe deeply, and put on some music.

• Consequence – the result of the behavior we chose. We may want to
blame it on the other driver (“He made me do it!”) but it is our
consequence. Either lower blood pressure and stress, or an accident or
worse, and even higher stress.

Becoming aware of this inner process can be very empowering in your life. You can change what may be a habitual pattern of emotion-thought-behavior in your life. You can begin to consider and respond to situations instead of constantly blaming or reacting to other people and events.

Maybe best of all, you can begin to de-stress at work and at home. And in that process improve your relationships, your happiness and your health.

Tools for Change

By JanetEisenbise on Sunday, April 25th, 2010 | No Comments

Do you sometimes feel stuck in a mood? Feeling irritable or blue? If you are like most of humanity you do. You may be telling yourself to snap out of it. Or maybe someone who has been exposed to your mood and would rather not be has told you to snap out of it.

Sounds good. But sometimes easier said than done.

I have discovered something useful that seems to work like a charm. It has been around for awhile and gaining in popularity. EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique, also called Meridian Tapping, is a method which makes use of the same energy system as acupuncture or acupressure.

You may be aware that your emotional state is bothering you by noticing a physical symptom. A stiff back for instance. Or a lump in your throat or a knot in the stomach. Whether it’s anger, sadness, fear, it will announce itself in the body.

Perhaps you can feel the tightness but can’t really identify what emotion is there. That’s really okay, because this method can bring you relief even as you figure it out. Sometimes just clearing the symptom gives you some relief and ability to recognize what is bothering you.

The best part is that you can practice this EFT yourself. You can learn it and make use of it on your own. Or you can find a practitioner to help you learn it and take it to a deeper level. However you use it, I think you will be pleased. Find out more about it here:

http://tinyurl.com/yeh2fwj

A Secret to Attraction

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 | 3 Comments

Remember that old adage “In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend?” Well, like a lot of those old adages there is a level of truth in it that may not be obvious at first blush.

I was listening to someone telling me yesterday that she didn’t have anyone in her network that she could turn to for support and comfort. She was in dire straits and really needed it too.

Seems that she had some superficial friendships at work, but she didn’t trust anyone enough to tell them what was really going on. She had been burned in the past and wasn’t taking any chances.

Later another person was telling me that she didn’t have a life partner because there aren’t any good men out there. Now I would love to have a dollar for every time I’ve been told that by both women and men!

How do you suppose it is that some people have a great network of friends? And some have spouses with reasonably happy relationships? Are they just lucky? Is it because they are beautiful or handsome, has money or drive just the right car?

Ad companies would have us believe that. But it ain’t so.

No doubt it has something to do with where you go and who you see. No one is going to come knocking on your door and beg you to come out with them.

But I think it has more to do with who you are. This is where attraction comes in. Think of it like a big old magnet inside of you. You are magnetically drawing toward you what you need and desire in your life. But the secret to it is that the magnet matches who you really are.

So it does no good to wish for a mate who is reliable and honest if you are flighty and play loose with the truth. Or if you want someone is who trustworthy if you are not. Whatever you have on your list you need to be. Or a compliment of that quality.

While opposites in temperament sometimes do attract, generally speaking, successful people are drawn to other successful people. People who are kind and compassionate are generally drawn to similar people.

So after you make that list of qualities you desire in a relationship, check yourself out to see how you would fit the bill. What will it feel like to BE that yourself? When you can own that fully, and feel that fully, you will see that person you attracted coming your way.

Make A List

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, April 23rd, 2010 | 1 Comment

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something that we
don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”
~ Frederick Keonig~

After listening to Ellen (not her real name) talking at length about how unhappy and frustrated she was feeling about her job, her kids, her husband, I asked her what it is she does want. She looked startled and didn’t know what to say.

There was quite a list of what she did not want, and it seemed that that was all she had. Hence, her unhappiness.

She had some genuine problems and if she had taken a person-on-the-street survey, almost anyone would agree with her. Her life sounded like the pits.

If what she had was making her miserable, what was it that she wants? If her life could be just as she desires, what would it look like? She seemed uncomfortable with the question and truly stumped. And so she accepted an assignment to keep asking herself the question, and to make a list of what occurred to her before our next appointment.

True to her word, she came in with the list. She said it had been a hard thing to complete. Even so, it was a pretty long and detailed list. And there were some surprising results. Turns out that she had not only made the list of what she wants in her life, but she had prioritized them in order of importance to her. And she discovered that most of what was on her list, she already has!

And a couple of the things on the list she recognized as something she is working on changing within herself. For instance she is developing some assertive skills that are the building blocks to better relationships with the people who are bugging her. People who are important to her, by the way.

It is easy to get fixated on those things that are lacking or wrong in life. What we pay attention to really does get bigger. Complaining to ourselves or others seems to build and build our dissatisfaction, irritation and unhappiness.

Don’t be surprised if you find yourself resistant to changing this. Our habitual mind can run on and on seeming to wear the groove deeper and deeper. And it sounds so convincing that we believe it is true. We don’t recognize that this is just a pattern of thought and feeling that we can change. In other words, my negative thoughts are just something I’m doing; they aren’t ME.

Writing a list of what you desire in your life is a way to connect to what is already present. And even if everything on your list isn’t present right now, it is a way to change your vision so that you can be moving in the right direction. And you’ll feel better for it.

Happy Earth Day everyone! Wha…

By JanetEisenbise on Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 | No Comments

Happy Earth Day everyone! What are you doing to celebrate? Check out http://www.nature.org/ and make a donation.

Want A Brain Boost?

By JanetEisenbise on Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 | No Comments

“Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.” ~Henry Ford~

Have you seen ads for video brain games? Do you play them? Millions of people are and they are gaining in popularity as a way to increase IQ and improve the memory.

Seems that until recently there has been little research to back up the effectiveness of them. You might be better off playing Sodoku or cross word puzzles. New York Times anyone?

That is until a study in the UK was recently released. A group of more than 8,600 people ages 18-60 were recruited to participate in the study in which their reasoning, memory and other skills were measured before and after they played games for 10 minutes, 3 times per week.

The results were compared to a group of 2,700 people who spent a similar amount of time surfing the Internet and answering general information questions. There were no significant differences between the groups.

The journal Nature published the study. The lead author, Adrian Owen, states that if you just want to have fun, it’s fine for that, but don’t expect to have better brain functioning from it. He says that the game skills have little application to real life brain function for ordinary people.

Of course there is some disagreement with this. Especially from Steve Aldrich CEO of Posit, the maker of some of the games. He has published research results which indicate improvement in the memory functioning of elderly subjects.

So what should you do if you want to give your brain a boost? Exercise is the best bet. It seems that physical fitness increases the activity between neurons and builds new brain cells. And so does new learning if it is difficult and challenging. Wouldn’t you know that if you are breezing along enjoying yourself, it isn’t doing much to improve your mind? Learning a new language, or how to play a musical instrument or a new sport are brain boosters.

Seems that having a better brain, like everything else, takes some effort and hard work.

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