Happy Anniversary

Posted on August 28, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

"Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies." ~Carter Haywood, Passion for Justice

Some days I just love my job. Today was such a day.

I was meeting with a woman I'll call Mary, who has been coming in to see me for a couple of years. She was once deeply depressed and feeling despairing about her work and her life, but has been doing much better lately.

She told me that she and her husband had celebrated 25 years of married life last weekend. "I can hardly believe that we made it to our 25th anniversary!" More than a few times she was doubtful that they would.

Mary had grown up in a very large, chaotic, impoverished family with an alcoholic parent. So you could say that she did not have the best role models for stable family life. Some would doubt that Mary would amount to much, much less make a successful marriage.

But here she was, commenting that for years she didn't really love and respect her husband the way she knew she should. She said that it took years for her to come around to appreciating him and respecting him.

She went on to say what opposites they are. She is driven, ambitious, assertive, passionate and admittedly at times difficult to live with. He was quiet, passive, kept his feelings to himself and had no interest in "bettering himself" by getting more education and a better job.

She used to be critical of his qualities, and wanted him to be more like her. And of course he persisted in being himself.

So I asked her, "What kind of change have you made within yourself that enables you to value him now?"

Here is what she said:

She is better able to discern what is important and what is not. Things that used to irritate her she now usually recognizes as no big deal.
She began to accept him just the way he is. She dropped her agenda for improving him and allowed him to be himself.
As he matured, she began to recognize that he was becoming more assertive through his job, which required that he work with some pushy and difficult people. She liked his ability to assert himself.
She began to recognize qualities in him that she now respects and feels grateful for. He is a hard worker; he is observant, caring and thoughtful of her; his behavior is loving toward her; he has proven to be trustworthy; she enjoys his companionship; he has been generous and kind toward her family; he is supportive of her passionate causes and is willing to listen to her.
She appreciates that he allows her to be herself without criticism or control.

Mary went on to say that she does her part in the relationship by helping and supporting him. Together they have learned to work as a team.

What a great description of a healthy relationship! May this happy anniversary inspire us all!

The Law of the Garbage Truck

Posted on August 26, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

Today's post features a guest writer, David J. Pollay, who wrote the following article in 2007. I hope that you will find it as interesting and inspiring as I did. You can find out more here.

How often do you let other people’s nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you’re the Terminator, you’re probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of your success is how quickly you can refocus on what’s important in your life.
Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. And I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here’s what happened.

I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, the car skidded, the tires squealed, and at the very last moment our car stopped just one inch from the other car’s back-end.

I couldn’t believe it. But then I couldn’t believe what happened next. The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New York come with a special face. And he even threw in a one finger salute! I couldn’t believe it!

But then here’s what really blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, “Why did you just do that!? This guy could have killed us!” And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck™.” He said:

    "Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they look for a place to dump it. And if you let them, they’ll dump it on you.

    So when someone wants to dump on you, don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Believe me. You’ll be happier."

So I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the street? It was then that I said, “I don’t want their garbage and I’m not going to spread it anymore.”

I began to see Garbage Trucks. Like in the movie “The Sixth Sense,” the little boy said, “I see Dead People.” Well now “I see Garbage Trucks.” I see the load they’re carrying. I see them coming to dump it. And like my taxi driver, I don’t take it personally; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.

One of my favorite football players of all time was Walter Payton. Every day on the football field, after being tackled, he would jump up as quickly as he hit the ground. He never dwelled on a hit. Payton was ready to make the next play his best. Over the years the best players from around the world in every sport have played this way: Tiger Woods, Nadia Comaneci, Muhammad Ali, Bjorn Borg, Chris Evert, Michael Jordan, Jackie Robinson, and Pele are just some of those players. And the most inspiring leaders have lived this way: Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Martin Luther King.

See, Roy Baumeister, a psychology researcher from Florida State University, found in his extensive research that you remember bad things more often than good things in your life. You store the bad memories more easily, and you recall them more frequently.

So the odds are against you when a Garbage Truck comes your way. But when you follow The Law of the Garbage Truck™, you take back control of your life. You make room for the good by letting go of the bad.

The best leaders know that they have to be ready for their next meeting. The best sales people know that they have to be ready for their next client. And the best parents know that they have to be ready to greet their children with hugs and kisses, no matter how many garbage trucks they might have faced that day. All of us know that we have to be fully present, and at our best for the people we care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their lives.

What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here’s my bet: You’ll be happier.

David J. Pollay is the creator of The Law of the Garbage Truck™. He is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program, and an internationally sought after speaker. David’s book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out later this year. You can find out about the The Law of the Garbage Truck at www.thelawofthegarbagetruck.com.

David is the founder and president of the consulting and seminar organization, The Momentum Project. He is also a founding associate executive director of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA). If you want to reprint one of David’s columns, email david@themomentumproject.com.

Are You Hauling Extra Freight?

Posted on August 20, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

"Treasure your relationships, not your possessions.

~Anthony J. D'Angelo~

Have you noticed that your relationships have patterns that keep repeating? Maybe an argument which keeps coming up over and over again and can't seem to get resolved?

Or maybe you find yourself playing the same role over and over again even though you would like to resign from it? For instance maybe you are the "Rescuer," or the "Bad Guy/Girl," or "Victim" or "The One Who Fixes Everything" ?

Or maybe you have recurrent themes that keep coming up? For instance "Something is wrong with me," or "Dad/Mom always did love you best," or "Nobody listens to me," or "I didn't get my share," or "You're not the boss of me!"

In your frustration and fatigue, you may ask What on earth is going on?

First, what NOT to do: get focused on the other person and blame them for their part in it. Our natural human tendency is to do this. In defending the ego, we tend to assign blame and then spend a lot of time and emotional energy taking the other guy's inventory.

When you are aware that the relationships in your life are suffering, and that you are in recurrent conflicts, you will do well to take a good look in the mirror. This takes courage. It is much easier to be a blamer who has no responsibility for the mess. But since we can do nothing to change anyone else, and can be empowered to change ourselves, it will be effort well spent.

So take courage in hand and let's go.

Be aware that we all develop patterns of behavior which often include playing roles, in our early life. And that these roles are played out with other family members who are playing their roles.

The roles are a sort of "shorthand" for relationship functioning that may serve a purpose (for good or ill) for awhile.

These roles are not really who you are although you may develop some skills and characteristics which may serve a useful purpose for awhile.

In order to be healthy and to form healthy relationships, it is your job to discover who you are outside of the roles that you play. And to be aware that there is more to the human you are relating to than the role he/she may be playing.

If you do not explore and expand this awareness, you are hauling old, unnecessary emotional freight that is going to be a burden to you and every relationship in your life. For instance if your dad told you that you would never amount to anything, you will be continually struggling to prove yourself to every partner, boss, family member and friend that you ever have. And likely you will be certain that no one believes in you or your abilities.

What to do if you find yourself in this description? Seek help. Look for a therapist who can help you uncover your beliefs and build new strengths to make the most of your abilities. Start journal writing to note your observations of yourself and to keep your focus on resolving what bugs you. Look for books and resources to increase your understanding of yourself in relation to others.

One of the best books that I recommend is Finding the Love You Want, by Harville Hendricks, Ph.D. It is a guide for couples, and is also a great way to understand the impact of the roles that you play and how to get beyond them.

With some work and continuing observation of yourself, you can begin to "travel lighter," without the old emotional freight of the past. You can update your relationships to here-and-now presence and awareness. And you and your relationships will be happier and healthier.

Blessed Be The Tie

Posted on August 14, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

"We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection."

~The Dalai Lama~

One of the things I like about summer is that it offers opportunities for casual socializing. School is out and we take vacations from work and our usual routines. There is time to reconnect with people who live at a distance. Time to renew the ties that are so important to us.

One of the best experiences of this summer has been a family reunion that included members of my mother's side of the family. My siblings and our children, and my aunt's family who came mostly from the Midwest and Virginia. These cousins, aunt and uncle played an important part in my early life. And until two years ago, I had largely lost touch with them except for the annual Christmas greetings

There was something about seeing these people after all the intervening years that was powerful. I must say that I am at a loss to fully explain it. We are a diverse lot, with varying religious views, politics, occupations and lifestyles. And yet there are certain characteristics that run throughout: independence, humor, a love of music, loyalty, strong ethics and deep affection for each other.

Both are large families, and both had their share of chaos in the way that most large families do. No one would have confused us for the Cleavers. Like all families, we have a mixture of dysfunction as well as strengths and resiliency.

Our elders lived through the Great Depression and WWII with all the difficulties and struggles those times entailed. Yet they established homes, reared their families, became educated, and lived creatively in faith and hope. And we have our challenges and setbacks as well: lost jobs, financial uncertainty, lost relationships and elder care.

My elderly mother, aunt and uncle have a lot of health challenges, and were able to be there only with a lot of support and dedicated help. On Sunday morning we met to hear them share memories of our grandmother and their early lives. And we shared our memories of Grandmother and of my aunt and mother and each other. We laughed a lot and cried too. We sang "Blessed Be the Tie That Binds."

I have been thinking that maybe the best part is remembering where we come from. And that despite our differences and occasional irritations and conflicts, that family is where we can find ourselves; both the separate individual and the connected part of the whole. At its best, it can be a place where we are certain that we are loved, warts and all.

Photo by Steve Tinkler