"Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies." ~Carter Haywood, Passion for Justice
Some days I just love my job. Today was such a day.
I was meeting with a woman I'll call Mary, who has been coming in to see me for a couple of years. She was once deeply depressed and feeling despairing about her work and her life, but has been doing much better lately.
She told me that she and her husband had celebrated 25 years of married life last weekend. "I can hardly believe that we made it to our 25th anniversary!" More than a few times she was doubtful that they would.
Mary had grown up in a very large, chaotic, impoverished family with an alcoholic parent. So you could say that she did not have the best role models for stable family life. Some would doubt that Mary would amount to much, much less make a successful marriage.
But here she was, commenting that for years she didn't really love and respect her husband the way she knew she should. She said that it took years for her to come around to appreciating him and respecting him.
She went on to say what opposites they are. She is driven, ambitious, assertive, passionate and admittedly at times difficult to live with. He was quiet, passive, kept his feelings to himself and had no interest in "bettering himself" by getting more education and a better job.
She used to be critical of his qualities, and wanted him to be more like her. And of course he persisted in being himself.
So I asked her, "What kind of change have you made within yourself that enables you to value him now?"
Here is what she said:
- She is better able to discern what is important and what is not. Things that used to irritate her she now usually recognizes as no big deal.
- She began to accept him just the way he is. She dropped her agenda for improving him and allowed him to be himself.
- As he matured, she began to recognize that he was becoming more assertive through his job, which required that he work with some pushy and difficult people. She liked his ability to assert himself.
- She began to recognize qualities in him that she now respects and feels grateful for. He is a hard worker; he is observant, caring and thoughtful of her; his behavior is loving toward her; he has proven to be trustworthy; she enjoys his companionship; he has been generous and kind toward her family; he is supportive of her passionate causes and is willing to listen to her.
- She appreciates that he allows her to be herself without criticism or control.
Mary went on to say that she does her part in the relationship by helping and supporting him. Together they have learned to work as a team.
What a great description of a healthy relationship! May this happy anniversary inspire us all!