Life List

Posted on January 7, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones
you did do. Explore. Dream. Discover."
-Mark Twain

Every day we are in the process of creating the life we live. We do that by the choices that we make, both large and small. As children we learn that our happiness or contentment is dependent on other, more powerful people, or on circumstances outside ourselves. As we grow and mature, our developmental tasks include separating from our parents emotionally and learning skills that support our independence.

We may continue believing and acting as if our lives are determined by other people and outer circumstances, or we may accept responsibility for ourselves and recognize that we can make choices to create the life we desire.

After many years of practicing psychotherapy, I truly enjoy working with people who are in the process of discovering that they are responsible for their old patterns of thought and behavior that don't work, and are ready to be empowered in creating their lives in a conscious and intentional way.

We could get bogged down with asking WHY we behave the way we do. Or analyzing WHY our parents did the things they did. Understanding helps, but insight isn't enough to bring about change. Use it to bring about acceptance and forgiveness for yourself and them. And then focus on what you DO desire in life.

Some years ago I participated in a coaching class and completed an assignment that I would like to suggest to you.

Begin with an assumption that you can have anything that your heart truly desires. Assume that you cannot possibly fail.
Pry your thoughts loose from a belief that your present circumstances determine your future life. They really don't!
Make a "Life List" of everything that you would choose in your life. Write for awhile, then come back later to see if there is anything else you can add.
Read over the list and ask yourself whether you would have or do this item if you could. If the answer is yes, keep it on the list. If not, remove it. (Sometimes we are conditioned to believe that we SHOULD do or have something that is really someone else's agenda. Maybe your mother's or father's.)
Print out the list or put it in your journal and revisit it frequently. How do you feel when you read it? Energized? Excited? A little terrified? All good signs that the list is a stretch from your current life. Good job!

In the next posts we will continue exploring how to put this Life List to good use. It can be fun and stimulating to ask a friend or partner to make a similar list. One important way of learning is to teach what we need to know to someone else. And it can also be a way of gaining support on your journey.

Life Vision

Posted on January 5, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

This morning I was listening to a local broadcast on the NPR radio station about keeping New Years resolutions. Making life changes seems to be a hot topic. Two life coaches were guest speakers and they offered a number of good suggestions, as did listeners who called in.

Over the weekend it occurred to me that perhaps the greatest difficulty we have in making those intentions for change stick is that we may be reacting to something that is pushing us to change and not making that change out of a larger life vision.

For instance, a smoker who comes down with a nasty case of bronchitis may be moved to quit smoking by feeling the pain of his temporary illness. What happens after his fear evaporates along with the bronchitis? He gives up his smoking abstinence and goes back to smoking.

Or the person who resolves to get out of debt because they are fearful of losing a job? When she is assured that her job is safe, she goes back to shopping with her credit card.

Fear can be a motivator, but it is not a very effective one. For one thing, what is scaring us is fortunately usually not long lived. And fear generally does not inspire a positive plan of action, but rather a short-lived effort to avoid pain.

The question is, what do you really want your life to be like? If you were assured that you could have whatever you want, where would you be? What would you be doing? Who would you be with? How would you be feeling?

Write a detailed description of what you see in this vision of your life. Do it quickly without a lot of thinking, and do not allow your Inner Critic to comment. If you do hear yourself making critical comments, say "thank you for sharing," and move on. Continue writing.

Consider all the aspects of your life since we cannot have a condition in one part that does not affect all the others. Look at your physical health, your emotional well being, your spiritual life, financial and work life and the quality of your relationships. What are your strengths and needs in each area?

Use as many vivid descriptive words as you can. Pay attention to what you will feel like when this vision of your life materializes. If you made a vision board as I suggested in an earlier post, make sure that it is up on a wall somewhere and look at it as you write.

In the next post, we will be learning something about some very important choice making that comes from your life vision and will support the changes that you wish to make in your life.

New Year – New Beginnings

Posted on January 1, 2009 by JanetEisenbise

"Keep focusing on the fullness of your life.
Keep remembering your dreams, your strengths,
your unique talents and skills.
Be absolutely, uniquely, fully yourself
and you have everything you need
to create the life of your dreams."

-Marc Allen

Probably most of us think of resolutions for change when the New Year comes along. I have heard on several newscasts that the most commonly made resolutions are for weight loss, to quit smoking and to get out of debt. All worthy changes to be sure.

It also seems that many of these ideas have a great conception and a very short life in terms of real action. We can be highly enthusiastic at the beginning of a plan of change and then when we encounter our discomfort at doing something different, or doing it imperfectly, we get discouraged and quit.

I certainly struggle with this myself and am working to come to terms with developing the vision and then taking action to bring it into being. Being a Recovering Perfectionist I have observed myself being my own harshest critic about falling short. Of course there is no way to do anything perfectly, especially when it is a new behavior.

And rather than making the changes you desire into a grim and unpleasant grind, how about balancing it with a little appreciation for who you are and what you have already accomplished in your life?

Perfectionism casts every aspect of existence into the extremes of black and white thinking. Either it's perfect or it's not good enough. It is the struggle with the need to be perfect that wears us out!

Can you see the beauty in a rose that isn't perfect? Can you smell the wonderful aroma even if the petals are not symmetrical? Can you appreciate the good feeling of accomplishment in a day's work even if the task is far from finished? Can you marvel at the satisfaction of a conversation with someone you love even though it may be too short? Can you genuinely appreciate yourself for taking one small step in the direction you have chosen?

I want to suggest that as you think about what you intend to accomplish in 2009, that you also make a list of those qualities, skills and talents that you posses that make you the unique person that you are. You may need to take the word of someone else who knows you well and add those to the list even if you can't quite believe them. Remember those small and large accomplishments that you have made during the past year or years and add them to the list.

As you resolve to make changes remember that you are NOT just some big project that needs a major overhaul. You are a unique and lovable human being who is already a marvelous creation. Happy New Year!