Have you ever had hurt feelings over not being appreciated?  Most of us have.  Having worked hard on a project and not hearing anything positive after submitting it on time, for instance.  Or getting a new hairstyle or dressing up for a special occasion and hearing no compliment. 

Research shows that the biggest reason people leave jobs is because they don't feel appreciated for the work they do.  Interesting that it's not over money or a title or job duties, but because they never hear that anyone is noticing their efforts and telling them that they matter to the company.

One of the major reasons for breakdown in relationships is a lack of expressed appreciation.  A combination of responsibilities and a full daily and weekly routine often leads to work overload and fatigue.  If what we hear for all our efforts is criticism or nothing, rather than appreciation, we can feel hurt, annoyed, turned off and eventually resentful.

We are talking here about both giving and receiving.

Appreciation is a magic elixir of life change!  Why is this?  Remember these essential principles:

• What you pay attention to gets BIGGER!  Whether you are focused on how people irritate you, or what is wrong with so-and-so, you will feel increasingly preoccupied and irritated.  By the same token, when you pay attention to some positive quality in that person or situation, you will tend to notice MORE positive things and begin to feel kindly toward them and better with yourself.

• When you play "Catch them doing something right," you will change the emotional and energetic tenor of the whole relationship.  This will take some attentiveness on your part.  The compliment needs to be genuine.  When you begin making genuine positive comments, you will instantly begin feeling lighter, brighter and more optimistic.  And the person receiving the appreciation will begin doing more and more positive things as a result.

• Don't wait for someone else to appreciate you!  (Remember who is driving your bus!)  When you are writing your gratitude list (you are writing your gratitude list, aren't you?) include specific examples of what you did right that day.  It certainly does not need to be perfect to qualify!  You may have taken a small step to work on a goal.  You may have practiced a behavior change that you intend.  It may be that you put in a full day's work and need to recognize that accomplishment.

• In organizations, the power of appreciation cannot be denied.  Even when the primary organizational game is "Ain't It Awful?" the influence of ONE person who is offering genuine appreciation of her co-workers or fellow members is truly magical. 

• Other participants in the relationship or the organization or office don't have to be conscious participants in this.  YOU have the power to be the agent of change in your own life and in the lives of others!  They will receive the appreciation, benefit from the positive thoughts and feelings and eventually begin to pass it back to you and on to others.

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It was obvious from the beginning of the session that he was not happy.  Chris sat beside his fiance in the waiting room with his arms folded across his chest, staring at the floor.  As the session began, he deflected her comments with abrupt and sarcastic replies.

The relationship was not going well and the wedding was six months away.  Chris and Jen were arguing a lot and having trouble agreeing on anything.  The atmosphere between them was increasingly tense and negative. 

We had thoroughly discussed their expectations for the relationship, their family histories, their personal histories and the recurrent conflicts that kept coming up.  Jen was thinking of breaking the engagement and ending their relationship because she was feeling increasingly unhappy and she was convinced that Chris was too.

Chris maintained that he loved Jen and insisted that he wanted to resolve their differences and go through with the wedding.  He admitted that he was anxious that Jen was getting more distant and would erupt in anger when she expressed doubts about their relationship.

The previous week I had asked both of them to shift their focus from their problems to thinking about their possibilities.  I asked them them each to make a list of what they really wanted in their lives and to imagine that there were no obstacles in the way of receiving what they want.  The Life List, in short.  I asked them to do this work independently, and to bring them to the session.

Jen had some difficulties with the assignment, but brought her list with her.  She had considered the various aspects of her life:  physical, spiritual, emotional, social. work and financial.  She had made a good beginning and agreed to continue to fill out the outline with more details.

Chris had refused to do the assignment, saying that he couldn't imagine his life without Jen and seemed angry that I had suggested that he think of his life outside of his present circumstances.

I commented on his apparent anger, and he replied that he felt like he was on a long bus ride, and that it was a very bumpy ride and that he was just having trouble staying upright in his seat!

"Who is driving your bus?" I asked.  He replied by pointing a finger at Jen. 

She nodded.  She recognized that she was being held responsible for not only Chris's bumpy bus ride, but also his fear and anger.  It was her fault that he was miserable.

 I pointed out that allowing someone else to drive his bus gave that driver a lot of power.  And that it put him in the position of being a victim.  Constantly disappointed over where the bus was going and how it was being driven.  Helpless and hopeless if things weren't going well and his needs weren't being met.

Chis wanted to defend his position.  He said that he had always lived his life pretty much going along with what other people wanted or demanded.  Go along to get along.  And that for the most part this had worked out pretty well for him.  Besides, he believed that what happens is meant to happen.

It seemed that he was used to living his life by reacting and responding to present circumstances, and he had no interest in changing that pattern.

Clearly Chris was making a choice not to get in the driver's seat.  There was no point in developing a vision for his own life.  He wanted nothing to do with the responsibility of designing and implementing it.  Clearly, this is a choice, and he has a right to make it since it is his life.

For me, this was a reminder that the life changes that we choose require our deliberate participation.  We are required to take the steering wheel in our own hands.  To face our fears that new endeavors bring up, and to accept the likelihood of failures along the way.  To deal with the surprise and disappointments of unexpected detours. 

When we take on the challenges of living the life of our deep desires, we can find the support that we need.  And we can learn what we need to learn from all of it.  And we can have the joy and satisfaction of driving toward our destination.  

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Probably because of the way we have been socialized, women in particular seem to have a lot of difficulty being on the receiving end of the game of "Give and Take."  I know some men who also have trouble with this, but they sure have a lot more cultural endorsement to please themselves than women do.

Not that I'm complaining.  We all have the option of growing up and developing new life skills.  And this is an important one.

Good Girls are trained to think of others first.  To take care of the needs of others, and in fact to believe that if they ever put themselves first, they are being selfish!  Egad!  Anything but selfish!  Good girls are also not supposed to make waves by objecting to what they get, or protesting the existing social order.  They are trained to deny themselves and then to minimize the pain of doing without.  Don't expect much.  Settle for what you can get.  Aim low, in short.

You can join me in being in recovery from this club.  It really is the training ground for the adult lifestyle of the co-dependent.  I know that some people are rolling their eyes at this, but it's true.  It's not possible for an addict of either gender to go on their addicted pathway without a good co-dependent in the wings, holding down the fort, cleaning up the messes and making the necessary thin excuses.

Co-dependents are the over-functioning partner of the under-functioning one.  Ever notice the pattern of one person working in the kitchen, putting together or cleaning up after a meal, packing lunches for the next day, arranging the carpool, doing the laundry and cleaning up after the dog, while someone else is sitting on the couch watching television?  This all done without serious or effective objection of course.

If you recognize yourself in this description, seek some help if you are having trouble getting cooperation in changing the pattern.  Call a qualified counselor or psychologist.  Ask your partner to go with you.  And if he or she won't, then go by yourself.  It is amazing how much change can occur in a relationship even when only one person is seeking help.

Good Girls also put their children first, sometimes to an extreme degree.  Over scheduled, running them to every lesson and activity imaginable, often to the exhaustion of everyone involved.  Or straining the budget out of a reluctance to say no to demands for toys, clothes and other extras.  It  might be time to just say no.  Take a breather and teach them to amuse themselves.  Assign some more responsibilities to the kids and require that they take them seriously.

Take some time for yourself.  Create a small, quiet corner of a room of the house that is comfortable, quiet and pleasing to you.  Place a comfy chair and a reading light there.  Maybe a small table to hold flowers or a plant or candle.  Maybe hang a lovely picture of the wall of a scene from nature that is pleasing to you.  Go to this quiet place often.  Maybe early in the morning before the rush of the day.  Or the evening after the household quiets down.

Learn to meditate.  Even 5 or 10 minutes can make a big difference.  Close your eyes and take 4 or 5 deep breaths.  Exhale longer than you inhale, and allow your body to relax.  Then focus your attention on your breathing.  Observe what happens.  Your mind will probably be doing what the mind does… that is to say, jumping around like a squirrel.  That's okay.  Just observe it and then move your attention back to your breathing.  Lower your expectations.  You do not have to have "a blank mind," whatever that is.  Just relax and breathe and observe.  If you practice this, you will notice some wonderful effects eventually.

Make a date with a friend.  Preferably someone with good listening skills or one who is easy to be with.  A low demand friend, as opposed to one who is high maintenance (which would defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?  Go out for breakfast, or coffee, or to the movies. 

When you create some space in your life just for yourself, you will be amazed to see what may come in.  Your own thoughts, needs and desires for instance.  Brainstorms of other great possibilities.  You might use a journal to "catch" these as they come in.   

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The other day I was working with Susan, a client who has been coming to see me for over a year, who has made a lot of progress in dealing with the unexpected departure of her husband of 22 years.

She would tell you that this divorce is the last thing that she wanted, and that she was an emotional mess for months.  I would tell you that while this is true, Susan has a lot going for her.  She is a very capable person. The one who has what my Grandfather would call a lot of "horse sense."  She was the one who took excellent care of the family finances, ran the household very capably, has a solid work history outside the home, and a great social network.

If you were a friend and neighbor or family member and ever had an emergency or needed anything, you would probably dial Susan's number and she would be there to do whatever needed to be done in a flash.

Obviously people love Susan, and she has a solid network of friends who have stood by her, calling her, visiting her and taking her places when she was depressed and feeling not at all herself.

Now a little over a year after her world fell apart, she has turned the corner.  She is now able to see that her picture of her husband was not realistic.  Although painful, her denial that everything was fine and that she was happy, has come to an end.  She no longer is trying to drive her car looking in the rear view mirror, wishing that she could live in the past.  She always accepted responsibility for herself and in fact blamed herself for her husband's drinking and verbally abusive behavior.  She is in a much more realistic place of accepting her responsibility but not his.  And she is now taking much better care of herself.

Last week we were talking about developing a vision for her life.  What does Susan want?  She was able to come up with a list of things after some difficulty.  This is progress because months ago she would have told me that what she wants is for her life to go back to being just the way it was!  Obviously not an option.

What is getting her her way? 

Susan is great at giving and lousy at receiving! 

She loved taking care of her husband and her children and friends.  Susan could anticipate what they needed and she dedicated her life to pleasing them.  Not that they exactly thanked her for her selflessness.  As a matter of fact, she now sees that she was waiting for "that pat on the head" which seldom if ever came.

And now her full recovery requires that she change this!  Healthy relationships are reciprocal; that is to say that they are a two-way street.  We give and we receive.  Both partners have to invest in the relationship and make withdrawals in the form of help, affection and attention.

If the relationship is a one-way street, it will be short lived or miserable or both.  This goes for all types of relationships from family members to friendships to intimate partnerships.

Do you have trouble receiving?

• Do you have trouble accepting a compliment gracefully?  Can you really take one in?

• Do you specialize in conversations in which you ask a line of questions of the other person, but never talk about your own opinions, activities or interests?

• Can you accept a gift and truly feel thankful without saying, "Oh you shouldn't have!" and worrying about getting the giver something bigger and better?

• Could you accept being the guest of honor at a party without squirming and feeling anxious?

• When you are sick or feeling blue do you call someone and ask for a listening ear or help or support and really allow yourself to receive it?

• When you look at your Life List or Vision Board and ask yourself "Could I allow myself to have what I want?  To be a success (whatever that means to me)?  To earn a lot of money?" 

What is your honest answer?

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Have you made your list of what you want to have, do and be in your life?  If you haven't yet written it, review the last post and have a go at it.  Remember when you write it to assume that you can have whatever you want; that anything is possible.

When you finish, read through it and ask yourself if each item could be given to you today, would you accept it?  Is there anything that you have forgotten?  If so, add it to the list.

If you find yourself having difficulty with this, you may be very focused on the problems and limitations of your life.  If all you can think of is what you DON'T want, then try this:  write down what you don't want and then ask yourself what the opposite of that would be?  For instance if you are bogged down about needing more money, then ask yourself how much money do you WANT?  You might write, "I intend to earn an income of ____."  Be specific. 

Don't stop with dwelling on the problem, in other words.  Use it to shift your focus to your desired results and write it in the form on an INTENTION.  One of the best resources I have read on this subject is a book by Wayne Dyer called The Power of Intention.  Intending to create the change you desire in your life is very powerful.  Very different than complaining or worrying or wishing. 

Proceed with your life list.  Do you truly desire these items on your list?  How would they change your life?  How would you feel when you really accomplish them?  Are you ready to make a true choice about them?  

If you are, really make the choice!  Say the words, "I choose to …" whether aloud or to yourself.  Be aware of being very deliberate in this.  Both Dyer and Robert Fritz say that when you clearly make a choice or intention, that you activate the seeds of germination, as well as the energy that goes with that.  You align all the energies at your disposal and set them in motion toward your choice.

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This morning I was listening to a local broadcast on the NPR radio station about keeping New Years resolutions.  Making life changes seems to be a hot topic.  Two life coaches were guest speakers and they offered a number of good suggestions, as did listeners who called in.

Over the weekend it occurred to me that perhaps the greatest difficulty we have in making those intentions for change stick is that we may be reacting to something that is pushing us to change and not making that change out of a larger life vision.

For instance, a smoker who comes down with a nasty case of bronchitis may be moved to quit smoking by feeling the pain of his temporary illness.  What happens after his fear evaporates along with the bronchitis?  He gives up his smoking abstinence and goes back to smoking.

Or the person who resolves to get out of debt because they are fearful of losing a job?  When she is assured that her job is safe, she goes back to shopping with her credit card.

Fear can be a motivator, but it is not a very effective one.  For one thing, what is scaring us is fortunately usually not long lived.  And fear generally does not inspire a positive plan of action, but rather a short-lived effort to avoid pain.

The question is, what do you really want your life to be like?  If you were assured that you could have whatever you want, where would you be?  What would you be doing?  Who would you be with?  How would you be feeling? 

Write a detailed description of what you see in this vision of your life.  Do it quickly without a lot of thinking, and do not allow your Inner Critic to comment.  If you do hear yourself making critical comments, say "thank you for sharing," and move on.  Continue writing.

Consider all the aspects of your life since we cannot have a condition in one part that does not affect all the others.  Look at your physical health, your emotional well being, your spiritual life, financial and work life and the quality of your relationships.  What are your strengths and needs in each area?

Use as many vivid descriptive words as you can.  Pay attention to what you will feel like when this vision of your life materializes.  If you made a vision board as I suggested in an earlier post, make sure that it is up on a wall somewhere and look at it as you write.

In the next post, we will be learning something about some very important choice making that comes from your life vision and will support the changes that you wish to make in your life.

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Probably most of us think of resolutions for change when the New Year comes along.  I have heard on several newscasts that the most commonly made resolutions are for weight loss, to quit smoking and to get out of debt.  All worthy changes to be sure. 

It also seems that many of these ideas have a great conception and a very short life in terms of real action.  We can be highly enthusiastic at the beginning of a plan of change and then when we encounter our discomfort at doing something different, or doing it imperfectly, we get discouraged and quit.

I certainly struggle with this myself and am working to come to terms with developing the vision and then taking action to bring it into being.  Being a Recovering Perfectionist I have observed myself being my own harshest critic about falling short.  Of course there is no way to do anything perfectly, especially when it is a new behavior.

And rather than making the changes you desire into a grim and unpleasant grind, how about balancing it with a little appreciation for who you are and what you have already accomplished in your life?

Perfectionism casts every aspect of existence into the extremes of black and white thinking.  Either it's perfect or it's not good enough.  It is the struggle with the need to be perfect that wears us out!

Can you see the beauty in a rose that isn't perfect?  Can you smell the wonderful aroma even if the petals are not symmetrical?  Can you appreciate the good feeling of accomplishment in a day's work even if the task is far from finished?  Can you marvel at the satisfaction of a conversation with someone you love even though it may be too short?  Can you genuinely appreciate yourself for taking one small step in the direction you have chosen?

I want to suggest that as you think about what you intend to accomplish in 2009, that you also make a list of those qualities, skills and talents that you posses that make you the unique person that you are.  You may need to take the word of someone else who knows you well and add those to the list even if you can't quite believe them.  Remember those small and large accomplishments that you have made during the past year or years and add them to the list.

As you resolve to make changes remember that you are NOT just some big project that needs a major overhaul.  You are a unique and lovable human being who is already a marvelous creation.  Happy New Year!  

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