Yesterday I ran into a colleague I haven't seen in over a year at a continuing education conference we were both attending.  After our initial surprise and greeting, she told me that she was getting divorced.  At lunch we ate together and caught up with each other and the events of the past year.

She told me about her decision to divorce and the difficulties she has encountered.  It seems that she is coming to a resolution of the legal end of the process.  And she has made great strides in dealing with the emotional aspects of it.  She is assured that this was the right decision for her.

For Melanie, the hardest part was forging ahead with very little support and a lot of opposition from family and friends who didn't understand.  She was feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of the task ahead and just plain stuck.  Her friend suggested that she begin by making copies of all her financial and legal documents.  One weekend Melanie thought that she could do just that much.

And so she began going through her files and copying everything that she thought she might need to help her lawyer get a financial picture.  As she did that, she thought, "This isn't so bad!"  And like the Little Engine That Could, she began to gain emotional momentum.  The next day she hired an attorney.

She said that taking that small action of copying papers made all the difference.  There have been a lot of obstacles to overcome on the path to her new life.  But she points to that day and a simple choice to begin somewhere with an action as her turning point.

Are you feeling stuck?  Overwhelmed?  Look for one small action that will be a beginning for change.  Don't wait until tomorrow or until you think about it some more.  Just do it.  Do it NOW!

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Have you chosen to make a change that flies in the face not only of your old conditioning, but is contrary to the comfort of those around you?  In the part of the country where I presently live, there are a lot of references made to "the way we've always done things."  I thought that it was peculiar to the Pennsylvania Dutch culture.  But liking things to be familiar seems to be part of the human condition.

Recently I had an experience that brought this to light in my own life.  The search for new office space is ongoing.  Sorting out the varying needs and preferences and life realities of a small group of people brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings.  Especially when these factors are in conflict. 

Like many people I was a well trained "People Pleaser" or "Good Girl."  And while I claim to be in recovery and have made some progress in putting my own needs ahead of what I think would be pleasing to others, I am sometimes surprised at how uncomfortable I can be while doing it.

And certainly many of the people that I work with find it difficult to make decisions for their own good if their family members or friends don't like it.  It is so much easier, at least on the surface, to avoid the conflict and accommodate those people.  And in the short term it is tempting to give up on the path we have chosen because dealing with conflict is so uncomfortable.

• So when you aren't getting acceptance and support for the your life change, what can you do rather than abandon yourself and your dreams?  Do some Inner Work by using your journal to ask yourself what is going on.  Use your Observer which is curious and compassionate, and ask what is evoking the feelings that are troubling you.

• Ask yourself what the interactions mean to you.  Notice that this is not a "why" question.  Avoid getting into endless analyzing and story telling.  What does it mean that so-and-so disapproves of your choice?  What does it mean that she said that you are mean, selfish, etc.?  Do you think this is really true?

• Take some time to "retool" by getting in touch with your vision again.  What motivates you to make this change?  How is it going to benefit your life?

•  Recognize your area of responsibility and allow others to take care of their own.  You are      the one responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, choices and consequences.  But taking on those things for others implies that they are too weak or stupid to do the same.

Here is my "Assertive Blessing" that I offer to others at times.  Keep in mind that like other assertive comments, the person who most needs to hear this is ME.  It's icing on the cake if they can get it too.
"I hear that you are feeling (angry, irritated, sad, etc.) and I acknowledge that.  I am sure that you will be able to work through this, and be able to find the help and support that you might need to do it."

Most of the time this is a silent blessing that reminds me that I don't have to take on caring for the feelings of others, and can refocus on making the changes I need in my own life. 

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How are you doing with taking action toward your goal?  Have you noticed that it takes a lot of consistent effort to gain momentum? 

Following the Action Stage of Change, comes Maintenance.  This occurs when we have been involved in action for at least six months.  For instance if the life change you are working on is to stop smoking, you would be smoke free for six months before you arrive at Maintenance.  At this stage, the new behavior is feeling more natural than in the beginning.  However, overconfidence and life stresses can lead to relapse.

This is the time to avoid perfectionism.  If you get caught up in the struggle with the need to do it perfectly, you are headed for trouble.  Your results can't be perfect since you are a human being and human beings tend to be inconsistent at best.  Can you see the value in failure?  We learn a lot more from failure than we do from success.

Make a resolve to see the failures that you encounter along the way as a positive thing.  We can take corrective action after we have learned what we need to from the mistakes that we make.  If you read the biographies of famous inventors, you will discover that the paths that they took were littered with failure.  Thomas Edison, for instance, had hundreds of failed attempts before he succeeded at making a light bulb that was practical for home use.

When I am feeling discouraged after making a mess of things, I find it helpful to ask myself what I am supposed to be learning from this?  What are the gifts in this?  These questions change my focus from feeling irritated or helpless or overwhelmed to being open to the possibilities in the situation.

If you are feeling discouraged it may be helpful to go back to making a list of the pros and cons of making the change you desired in the first place.  You likely have already seen benefit in having progressed as far as you have.  If you have been keeping a journal, read back over the pages and observe how you have progressed and see if you might get some new ideas for how you can proceed.

At this stage of Maintenance we must work to consolidate the gains that we have made along the way.  And we need to gain support to prevent lapses and relapse.  When you fall off the horse, immediately get back on. 

Please leave a comment with suggestions that come from your experiences in any of the stages of change.  We would love to hear them.

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So here we are at the 4th state of change:  Action.  Hopefully you have taken the time and made the effort to develop your plan of change very carefully and written it in detail.  Remember that the more attention you have given to the Contemplation and Preparation stages, the more easily your success will flow.

If the details are not very clear to you, and if you have not implemented the resources that you need, then take some more time to do that.  For instance if you know that you need some good quality walking shoes in order to increase your exercise, then don't take off in your loafers on your first morning walk.  Provide yourself what you need to succeed.

When you have the plan details and resources in place, then you are ready to go!  During this stage, you will make the move for which you have been preparing.  You will overtly change your behavior and your surroundings according to your intentions. 

This is a very busy period requiring the greatest commitment of time and energy.  Think of the space shuttle and how it expends a huge amount of fuel in the first few minutes of flight.  It takes the greatest amount of your energy to overcome the pull and pattern of old habits, just as it does for the rockets to overcome the earth's gravitational pull.  

Here are some tips to support your 4th stage of change:

• Set a consistent time of day or week to implement the change.  Our mammalian brain likes forming patterns and the rhythm and routine will help form new healthy habits.

• Notice and appreciate yourself for even the smallest aspect of taking action.  We need recognition and reward, most importantly from ourselves.

• Be accountable.  Accept full responsibility for your challenges and the successes and failures along the way.  You may want a coach who can help you plan and reach your goals.  A coach will set regular times with you to report on your progress and to make corrections as you need to.

• Get support from others by telling them about your efforts.  If you can, find a group or individual who is engaged in making the same changes.  The 12 Step Meetings are a great source of support for recovery from addictions.  Or find a walking partner or a gym buddy.

• Track your success on a calendar by putting a small sticker on the date every time you take action with the new behavior.  It is encouraging to see the marks or stickers adding up.

• Remember that it takes 30 days to build a new habit.  Persistence and repetition are powerful ways to leverage your efforts. You are making new neural pathways in your brain, and while the beginnings take the most energy and effort, consistent practice will eventually help your change become much easier and familiar as you go.

You may spend quite a long time in this stage of change.  Implementing action for new behaviors requires not only energy, but repetition over time.  Observe and celebrate the small pieces of evidence that you are moving toward your goal.  Share them with the people who care about you, and enjoy the change as it is occurring.

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It has often been said that we teach what we need to learn, and this is certainly true in my experience.  Yesterday in thinking about this series of posts about the stages of change, I decided to use the writing suggestions of listing pros and cons in order to increase my motivation.  A week ago I began following a program by Eban Pagen called Wake Up Productive , and have found myself resistant to changing my morning routine.  He recommends building a new morning ritual as a basis of increasing the productivity of your life.  Makes perfect sense to me.

But I love my morning routine already!  And it does not include the routine exercise needed.  So I wrote a list of pros and cons in my journal and could quickly see that there are a lot of great reasons to do this.  More importantly, I took some time to FEEL how these changes will affect my life.  I know from experience that I feel better, function better when I am exercising.  We were born to move.  And it's also true that habits are a bear to change.

So here I am at Stage 3:  Preparation.  You may be too.  People at this stage are on the verge of action.  They are developing action plans and may even be making small changes.  They are planning on taking action within the next month.  They usually tell someone about their plans, making known their intention to change.  However there may still be some ambivalence, and they need to continue convincing themselves that this action will benefit them. 

Here are some steps that you may take to strengthen yourself in making the change you desire.

• Write what you desire in the form of an Intention.  There is a huge difference between saying what I want and opposed to what I intend.  If I say to you that I want $1,000 in my savings account, all I am really telling you is that I don't have $1,000.  However if I tell you that I intend to have $1,000 in my savings account, you can believe that I will accomplish that goal.

• Make a specific plan for the first steps that you are going to take.  Write down the details of the new behaviors that are needed.  Think the process through and don't leave anything out.

• Put in place all of the elements that you need.  For instance if your plan includes packing a healthier lunch to take to work, plan appealing lunch menus and go to the store to get food.  Pack the lunch the night before and put it in the fridge so that it's ready.

• Avoid sabotaging yourself by skipping this phase.  You wouldn't likely take a mountain hiking trip without making sure that you had good boots, dry socks and other supplies that would assure your safety and comfort.

Making successful changes is a lot like climbing a mountain.  The ascent, especially at the beginning, is steep.  And a lot of your energy will be expended in the early part of the action stage.  So continue to strengthen your motivation by remembering how this will benefit you, lay careful plans and prepare well.  You are on your way! 

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Making changes in your life involves more than taking action.  As we are learning from the research of James Prochaska and Carlos DiClimente, we need to be aware that there are five stages of change.  The second stage is called contemplation.

These are the indicators of this stage.  See if you recognize yourself.  You may acknowledge that you have a problem and begin to think seriously about solving it.  You may be struggling for understanding and looking for possible solutions.  You may be thinking about taking action in about 6 months or so, but your plans are indefinite.  You have no clear commitment to change primarily because you are not ready to move toward a goal of change.  It is possible to get stuck in this stage indefinitely by endless analyzing and rationalizing. 

Are you a chronic contemplator?  Eternally thinking rather than taking action?  If so, this is how you may help yourself move along to the next stage:

• Begin to focus on the solution and not the problem.  Consider the possibilities that may be a part of finding a real solution.

• Make a list of pros and cons for making steps toward the goal.  How would it benefit you?  How would staying the same as you are benefit you?  You may discover some fears that are holding you back in doing this exercise.

• Ask yourself how do the benefits of making this change compare to the costs involved?  If the benefits outweigh the costs, your motivation is going to increase.  If you decide that the change will not be valuable enough, you can discard it.

• How will this change improve the quality of your life?  Making a list will help you determine whether it will be for you or for someone else.  Even when we are pushed into making change at someone else's behest, we will not succeed unless our own motivations are fueling the work involved.

As you move through the contemplation stage, ready for the third stage of change, you may observe that this is a time of anticipation, increased activity, anxiety and excitement. 

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For the next few posts we are going to be looking more closely at the process of change.  How many times have you made a New Years resolution, begun the to take the first steps of change on January 2, only to be completely off track by January 3?  Whether the change you desire is to stop smoking, lose weight, get a new job or mend an ailing relationship, you may find that despite your best reasons for wanting the change, you have completely derailed.

Wanting to change isn't enough.  You have likely gone off course because you weren't really ready to change.  There is a predictable process of change, and you can use it to support yourself in making those beneficial changes in your life.

This process has been researched by James Prochaska and Carlos DiClimente who originally applied their studies to the field of addictions.  But it applies to change of any kind, as you will see.  Stage 1 is called "Precontemplation."  In this stage you really aren't seriously thinking about making the change.  Other people may be telling you about the need for you to do it, and you may want to be different, but likely feeling doubtful that you could be.

This stage is often marked by feelings of fear of what might be involved in making the change, or by a lack of motivation necessary for taking action.  When we start off trying to change at this stage, we are usually doomed to failure.  If you are in the Precontemplation stage, you might do the following:

• Postpone the change until after you have done some groundwork to better support it.

• Strengthen yourself by gathering information about the matter at hand.  You
  might go to the library or look for information online.  If you have
  been thinking about a new job, take some time to assess your skills and
  interests as well as the current job market.  This might be the time to
  find a career counselor or to hire a coach.  Look for books such as What Color is My Parachute? by Richard Nelson Bolles.

• Make contact with others who have made changes in the areas that you are considering.  Listen for new ideas that may tell you how this change would benefit your life.  Support groups are great for this, and you may find people with more experience in online interest groups.  You may find out some tips that may be useful, and you may also find that there are some obstacles that you are not yet ready to deal with.

Taking these steps will help you be clear in what the benefits and the costs will be in changing your life.  You will strengthen your motivation and have clearer sight as to the steps ahead.

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