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Gobsmacked

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, October 31st, 2008 | No Comments
"Take the first step in faith.  You don't have to see
the whole staircase.
Just take the first step."
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Recently I added a new word to my vocabulary.  It is actually a slang word from Great Britain, "gobsmacked."  It came into usage during the 1980's but actually has older Scottish origins.  Basically it means being stunned speechless. 

Sometimes we are gobsmacked by an event in life.  Some unexpected turn of events that leaves us with our mouths (gob) hanging open.  Unable to collect our wits enough to know what to say or do.  When this happens we need time and tender loving care as we process what happened and what it means.  Only then can we begin to see what it is that we need to do next.

When the familiar landscape of your life has been changed by something outside of your control (and isn't a whole lot of it outside of your control?) or plans that you have made are suddenly scuttled, you really may be at a loss for what to do next.  Here are some suggestions:

  • Accept that you are starting over.  It is our human nature to want the safety of the familiar.  You are feeling lost and the whole host of emotions that comes with it.  Find a way to process it.  This is the time to get some support and help, either from a friend, family member or a professional. 
  • We want to see where it is we are going.  If we are climbing the metaphorical staircase, we want to be able to see the 10th step.  And yet that isn't possible.  Ask yourself on a physical and emotional and intellectual level, what do I need to do NEXT?  You can see that one next step is lit and you can take that.  Alcoholics Anonymous says, "Do the next right thing."
  • Understand that you may feel uncomfortable, but you can feel and release that discomfort.  And when you take that first step, you will begin to feel a little better for accepting responsibility and taking action.

You will see that when you need to take another step, that one will also be lit.  And so it is that we move ahead again.  The change becomes more familiar as we go and we are soon strengthened by the experience.  Take a moment to recognize what you have learned and to appreciate yourself. 

The Magic of Gratitude

By JanetEisenbise on Monday, October 27th, 2008 | No Comments

My weekend reminded me of the magic of gratitude in changing my negative, fearful, scarcity mindset to one of hope, positive expectations and yes, even joy.  Having so much in flux:  my new office space, new business beginnings, a new coaching relationship and approach brings on the excitement of change, and at times fear because so much is up in the air.  My personal changes are of course occurring, like yours, against a backdrop of huge national and global changes.  The fall-out from Wall Street is affecting our quarterly balance reports.  And I don't know about you, but I cannot bear one more campaign ad.  I have high hopes for the outcome of the election.  And I can't wait until it's over!

When I woke up on Saturday morning after a disturbed sleep, feeling rotten, I began my day as I usually do with a cup of Mexican Select coffee and my journal.  After a little grousing, I remembered that making a gratitude list has done wonders for my mood in the past.  So I began writing.  I usually begin with the basics of a warm, snug roof over my head and those other elements of food and clothing and access to medical care that many of us take for granted.  And on to the precious relationships in my life, and so on. 

When you do this, the key is to allow yourself the time to really FEEL the gratitude for each item listed.  It isn't possible to feel scared or deprived and grateful at the same time.  Most of the things we feel fearful of never really occur, if you notice.  And much of what we fear we have no direct control over. 

As I completed my list and had changed my mind and my mood, I began to shift from the awful "what ifs" to some things on which I could take action.  I completed a few of those and by then I was smiling and feeling hopeful again.

The exercise of writing gratitude lists leads to a spiritual discipline of truly giving thanks.  It certainly is good for the mind and body, and no doubt the soul.

Reduce Stress Increase Nurturance

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, October 24th, 2008 | 1 Comment

Stress reduction has always seemed related to good self care or self nurturance.  When I am working with clients who are overstressed I often hear them give a run-down of responsibilities and a schedule that would stagger a horse.  The list usually includes a full time job, caring for children or aging parents, household chores, cooking and shopping for groceries, maintaining friendships, managing finances, yard work, attending kids' school or sports events, getting to the gym, etc etc.

I like to ask them, "Where are you on that list?"  Which often gets an answer, "On the bottom."  or even worse, "I'm not on the list."  When I ask "How do you nurture yourself?"  I usually get a blank stare at first.  "What do you mean?"  Amazing that we are experts at nurturing children, spouses, pets, friends, and our house plants and yet the idea that we could nurture ourselves is a very strange one. 

Here is a place to begin:  Think of your five senses…taste, smell, touch, hearing and sight.  You could also add kinetic (movement).  Write them in columns and then ask yourself "What appeals to this sense?"  Or "what do I listen to that nurtures me?"  Write down as many things that occur to you.  Everyone has different preferences, so this is a time to be picky and list your own. 

If you run out of ideas, ask your friends or family members what theirs are.  (Prepare for some blank stares).  You may get some ideas of things you hadn't thought of.  And some that you wouldn't include on your list.  Some people love the sound of trickling water in a fountain, but that sound drives my sister to distraction.  My nephew loves to rock in a rocking chair which was a reminder to include it on my list since I like that too.  My girlfriend Linda almost always has candles lit and in cool weather, a fire burning in the fireplace. 

Music is big on my list.  And the kind of music varies widely depending on my mood and what I am doing.  Right now I am big into Nanci Griffith and also Suzy Bogguss.  When I'm writing I like to listen to "The Tao of Cello" by David Darling.  And when I need an energy lift I like to listen to my brother and nephew's band "Along for the Ride."

How do you nurture yourself?  What works for reducing your stress?  Leave your comments here to share with all of us.  Just click on the "Comments" button at the bottom of the page.  I'll be happy to hear from you and maybe get some new ideas to add to my list. 

Positive Psychology for a Change

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008 | No Comments

When you hear the word "psychology" do you think of the disturbed patient being analyzed by the therapist who will dissect her problems and determine the underlying illness that is causing her misery?
This is certainly the image that is projected from movies and television.  Traditionally psychology has been influenced by the medical model of identifying symptoms, diagnosing the "patient" and then working to eradicate or reduce those symptoms.

There is a relative newcomer to the field called Positive Psychology, brought to greater awareness by the work of Bill O'Hanlon andMartin Seligman at University of PA, among others.  Rather than focusing on symptoms and problems, those who practice Positive Psychology help determine what is working in the clients life and help him or her expand the possibilities of life.  This approach often has the effect of increasing the experience of positive emotions and helping the person change their life in the desired direction.

How can you make use of the principles and practices of Positive Psychology to change your life?

  • Quiet your "Inner Critic," that voice inside your head that puts you down, throws cold water on your dreams.  Dont argue or try to out-shout it; just breathe deeply, relax and say "thank you for sharing.  Next?"
  • Shift your focus to what is going right in your life.  Notice the beauty of life as you go through the day:  a smile from someone you know or dont know; a blooming flower; a sunset; a toddler walking in that enthusiastic and tenuous way.
  • At the end of the day write down 5 or 10 things that you are grateful for.  These may be small and simple, or large and awe-inspiring.

These methods seem simple, but have a very powerful effect if you are willing to put them into practice.  And PRACTICE is the operative word.  If this seems like a lot to ask of yourself, remember that you have been already practicing your negative and fear-filled patterns of thinking!  So much so that it now seems like the natural thing for you to do.  A little consistent practice will soon bring about big positive results.

Purge Before You Plan

By JanetEisenbise on Monday, October 20th, 2008 | No Comments

Awhile ago I had begun to work with a coach who was helping me with starting a new business.  I was eager to get started on my project and was just getting to know her.  I had previously done some work developing a business plan and had some clear ideas about what I wanted to do.

Imagine my surprise when, during our phone session, she asked me to look around my home office and to take in what I saw in my surroundings.  I have to confess that I was glad to be on a phone and not a web cam.  My "stacks" approach to organization was getting out of hand.  And some remnants of a sewing project was on the back of my desk.  And part of my music collection graced the top of a file cabinet. 

She wanted me to take inventory and to agree to clear out anything that was not related to doing business.  I would rather have her critique my business plan.  It would have been less overwhelming.  She was patient and non-critical and persisted in suggesting that I could take it one surface, one desk drawer, one file drawer at a time and clear it out.  She told me to purge everything that was not business related and to either toss it or find another place to keep it. 

Despite my wondering when we were really going to get to the business at hand, I agreed to work on this before our next coaching appointment.  And so I began with the desk top.  Purged it, filing what had accumulated or shredding it.  Then the desk drawers, which led to organizing sewing supplies in a closet and art supplies in another.  Only business related items in the desk.  Files were next.  Now there was some life review!  It reminded me of cleaning out my dad's office following his death.  My siblings and I carried out more books, papers, magazines and office supplies than I care to remember.  Amid a lot of questions and speculations about why on earth he was holding onto most of it.  At least my children will have a quicker job of cleaning out my office.  Although they will no doubt have lots to say about my books.

This purging and organizing process took on a life of its own.  When I was finished in the office, I moved onto other rooms and other closets.  It was satisfying in a way that surprised me.  I began telling my family and friends about it.  About how energized I felt by getting rid of stuff and organizing what was left. 

My coach assures me that this clearing out old stuff is essential before getting down to the brass tacks of starting a new venture.  Before starting a new project or a new phase of life, we have to clear out the old to make way for what we want in its place.  The ancient feng shui principles offer the truth:  clearing out renews us and revitalizes our lives.  My coach would add that it paves the way for change.

Best Made Plans

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, October 17th, 2008 | No Comments

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
-John Lennon

My planning and organizing skills have been hard won parts of my life-living arsenal.  Unlike some members of my family who are organizational whizzes, I seem to have missed out on that gene.  Somewhere on the ADD spectrum, my natural tendency is to have great ideas and then boing all over the place before getting them implemented.  In my more recent adult life I have made a study of planning and organizing and am quite intentional about making changes.  But it takes ongoing practice, and I expect that it always will. 

The small group of psychologists with whom I share office space have decided to leave the building in which we lease offices and to find more suitable space.  As it so often happens in life, once one aspect of change is decided, then it seems that suddenly more of the factors involved begin to shift.  One person's husband retires and wants to move out of state.  But because of the current real estate market and the need to sell their house, they don't really know when they might be going.  And we are proceeding to look for new offices despite the uncertainty.  Having faith that events will continue to move and we will soon have clarity. 

I have a mental picture of what the remaining three of us are looking for.  And as I proceed to plan visits to available buildings I discover that another of us has changing family financial needs and will probably be leaving the group.  Besides my surprise and disappointment that she likely won't be down the hall from me anymore after 15 years of sharing work space, my vision for my office has vaporized.  Now I really don't know what to expect, and this is the part of change that I don't like.

My Higher Self may have some wisdom in knowing that this is a creative opportunity, and that who knows…something even better than I imagined might come out of this.  But right now my Lower Self is just having a hissy fit!  Under it all is fear, I know.  I recognize that deer-in-the-headlights feeling that at least temporarily has me in its grip.

All a part of the change process.  I'm going out for a walk in the autumn leaves.  Nothing like cool breezes and rustling leaves to clear the mind.

 


Day Of Discovery

By JanetEisenbise on Monday, October 13th, 2008 | No Comments

Happy Columbus Day!  Whether you attribute the discovery of America to Christopher Columbus or not, it is a great day for celebrating discovery and initiating some for yourself.

One of the positive aspects of life change is the excitement of discovering new possibilities.  Possibilities within yourself:  abilities, strengths, resources that you hadn’t seen before, or developed fully.  Even life changes that we would never have chosen often show us depths to our character that we were not aware of.  Sometimes our eyes are opened in the realization that the people in our lives have more to them than we had previously seen. 

Such discovery might become a part of your life if you see it as an avenue to a richer and fuller life.  How might you be intentional about this and what steps could you take to nurture the process?  Although your school days may be behind you, formal education can only give you the basic tools to enable you to become a life long learner.  One who embraces the process of discovery throughout your lifespan.

One tool that I routinely use myself and almost always recommend to my clients is the personal journal.  Different than a diary, in which you may note what happened on a particular day, the journal is a more expansive place to explore not only what happens, but your observations of how you feel, what you think about what happens.  A place to note your reactions to the events of your life, and a sort of mirror through which to arrive at a clearer picture of who you are.  Also a receptacle for your dreams of what you might become.

You can start with buying a blank book or notebook; whatever pleases you.  Although some people prefer to write on the computer, there is an advantage I think of the slower hand to brain process of writing by hand.  But do whichever suits you best.  Choose a routine time to write.  Mornings are best for me, but again, pick a quiet time that suits you.  Please don’t be perfectionistic about this!  No one will be editing your work, and hopefully no one else will ever read it, so write to suit yourself.

The journal will become a useful tool for understanding yourself, for decision making and for encouraging ongoing discovery in your world and in your life.

Renewal

By JanetEisenbise on Friday, October 10th, 2008 | No Comments

It seems to me that this past week has brought an unusual bombardment of bad news.  And when I’m not hearing the bad news directly, I am hearing people talking about the bad news.  There’s lots of fear floating around.  My usual intentions not to feed into the fear failed miserably and I found myself waking up for the past three nights around 4AM.  Wide awake and unable to roll over and go back to sleep. 

Has anything awful happened?  Has the sky fallen in?  No, not really.  But that didn’t stop my monkey mind fantasies from running through my head like a grade B movie run amok.  At 4 in the morning there is a general theme of looking for a large cardboard box and a quilt and taking my cats to live with me under a bridge somewhere.  You get the drift.  Maybe you have been playing similar awful mind movies.

The problem with mind movies is also the key to their magic…if we use them properly.  The unconscious mind can’t tell the difference between whether I am really having to pack up my cats to live under the bridge (they aren’t cut out for it) or not.  The stress that impacts my mind and body is the same as if it were really happening.  And if I am aware and then intentional about those mind movies, then I will also feel the benefit from making up a hopeful and positive one.

So knowing this, here is my plan for the weekend, and I offer it to you.  My intention is to relax and to find some renewal over the next few days. 

  1. I’m going on a news fast.  No TV, radio or newspaper.  If the world is going to hell in a hand basket I don’t need to know it before Monday.
  2. I’m getting away for a change of scene.  Driving to visit my family for some talking, laughing, cooking and maybe movie watching.  I hear that some closet cleaning is on the agenda.
  3. I’m taking a new book to read.  The Tenderness of Wolves by Stef Penney.  It is my choice for my book group selection for November.
  4. I will do some relaxation and creating of positive mind movies of my life and the world as I am hopeful for it.

So there it is.  My plan for a respite from stress.  I hope that you will borrow from it and make a plan of your own.  However you do it, have a relaxing and renewing weekend.

When You Choose Change

By JanetEisenbise on Wednesday, October 8th, 2008 | No Comments

When you choose to change something in your life, you are no doubt looking for positive effects.  Sometimes we get put on notice that we need to change a bad habit or develop a new habit and make a lifestyle change.  Lab results from a doctor’s visit, for instance.  Or being out of breath walking from the office to your car.  Or getting a plea from your anxious child that you quit smoking.  Or needing to pay for new tires or the dryer that finally died and not having enough money in your savings account to cover the expense.

Whatever the wake up call, and however well it may motivate you at the time, your sense of urgency will probably turn into something else.  We have all made New Years resolutions at some point and then felt them fade from awareness by the end of January.  You may be critical and beat yourself up for being undisciplined and lazy and doomed to be stuck in the same rut forever.

What happened to your strong resolve?  What happened to that emotional "juice" that was firing you up to reach all the positive effects that you want in your life?  Something that is an unavoidable part of the process of change!  It is called resistance and is a human reaction that everyone has.

As soon as we choose to change and begin the process, resistance will rear it’s ugly head.  When I decided that I was going to walk for 30 minutes five days a week, I got up the first morning and noticed that the weather had turned cool and misty.  Better wait until tomorrow.  Then I noticed that my walking shoes were old and no doubt needed to be replaced.  Better wait until I could get new ones.  You get the drift.

While it may be true that it is chilly and damp, and that I could use new walking shoes, I need to recognize that my defense system is just trying to keep things comfortable for me.  This is resistance and I can acknowledge it but not take it too seriously.  While I want the positive effects of change, I also want the comfort of doing what I always do.  I decide to put on a sweatshirt and go out.  I can always buy the shoes another day.  And in the meantime, literally put one foot in front of the other in choosing to change.

Fall Cleaning

By JanetEisenbise on Monday, October 6th, 2008 | No Comments

Does it seem to you that the new year really begins in the fall?  It does to me.  Probably because of all the years of starting school in the fall.  New books, new shoes, a new outfit, new teachers, new classes.  All that yet-to-be-written-upon paper, and the year, with its unimagined possibilities stretching out ahead of me.

And then there is that paradoxical seasonal winding down that occurs at the same time.  Tomatoes still hanging on the vines, which are withering before our eyes.  The leaves are beginning to turn color at the tops of the trees and when the breeze blows, they are starting to fall.  What was vital and useful just a few weeks ago isn’t any more. 

In traditional Chinese philosophy, of the five elements which describe interactions in nature and in medicine, metal is the element for fall.  It is a time for discerning what is valuable and useful and for grieving and letting go of what is not.  What may have served our life some time ago might not today.  One of the basic principles of feng shui is a clearing out of remnants of the past from the living space.

In order to be healthy and vital and to have living spaces that breathe and allow free movement, we need to remove the clutter that accumulates over time.  It is easy to grow so accustomed to clutter that we really don’t notice it.  However we are still affected by it.  Look at the surfaces of your furniture.  What do you see?  Open your closets, your drawers and cupboards.  Your refrigerator. Notice anything?      Anything on the floors?  If you are cringing as you finish this little survey, take heart. 

Begin with one action step.  Choose just one area and limit yourself to that.  Get a trash bag and clear it out and head for either the trash can or recycling depending on what it is.  Remember that the clothing or household goods that you no longer use or need may be useful to someone else, so it can be donated.  After finishing, notice  what it looks and feels like to have that little space cleared.  If you have time take on another, or set an intention to do the next one tomorrow.

Clearing out is a powerful aspect of making life change.  We cannot have new beginnings when we are trapped in the clutter of the old life.

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